Bisexual Love

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Bisexual Love
Medically Reviewed by Dan Brennan, MD on June 28, 2021
Bisexuality is an attraction to more than one gender. Those who identify as bisexual feel a sexual and/or romantic attraction to people of a different gender as well as their own. 
While this offers a basic definition, bisexual people are a diverse group. Each individual perceives their sexual orientation differently. Some may be equally attracted to both men and women, while others have a stronger attraction toward one gender over another. 
A bisexual person may be in a long-term same-sex or heterosexual relationship, or they may alternate between the two.
Bisexuality is often confused with pansexuality, which is when someone is attracted to all genders, including cisgender, transgender, agender, non-binary, and other gender non-conforming individuals. 
These definitions may seem very similar, but there is a distinct difference. Bisexual means attracted to multiple genders, while pansexual means attracted to all genders. 
For many in the LGBTQ community, these terms may overlap. Some people may identify as bisexual but still feel an attraction for all genders. Identifying as bisexual versus pansexual mainly comes down to the preference of the individual. 
Bisexual people often face misconceptions about their identity. These misconceptions can lead to prejudice, known as biphobia. It can happen within or outside the LGBTQ community. 
Myth: Bisexual people date only cisgender men or women.
While the prefix “bi” may literally mean two, bisexuality does not mean attraction to only two genders. For many bisexual people, the “bi” indicates an attraction to their same gender as well as other genders. 
Myth: Bisexual people are confused or in denial.
One pervasive misunderstanding about bisexuality is that it’s a phase — and that bisexual people will eventually come out as gay or lesbian. But bisexuality is not transitional or experimental. It is a valid identity. 
One study found that only 18% of LGBTQ youth who initially came out as bisexual later came out as gay or lesbian. So while some may come out as bisexual first before identifying as gay or lesbian, this doesn’t mean that bisexual identities aren’t valid. 
Myth: Bisexual people are more likely to cheat.
Sexual preference is not linked to promiscuity. There’s no evidence that bisexual people are more likely to cheat on their partners than people of any other sexual orientation. 
Men can be bisexual , too. But they may be less likely to be open about it. In one study, only 12% of bisexual men said they were openly bisexual, compared to 28% of all bisexuals and 77% of gay men. The survey found that this disparity may stem from the fact that 33% of respondents perceived social acceptance of bisexual women, while only 8% said the same for bisexual men. 
While there may appear to be fewer bisexual men than women, this may be due to the social stigma around coming out as a bisexual man. 
Due to some of the myths about bisexuality, it can be challenging to come out to family, friends, or a partner as bisexual. You don’t have to tell anyone about your sexual orientation unless you are ready. But some people find that having a conversation with loved ones about it is helpful. 
If you decide to tell others, your friends and family members may have a lot of questions after you come out to them. It may help to put together a few online resources about bisexuality that you can share. This will help answer their questions, fight any misconceptions they’ve heard about bisexuality, and will take some of the burden of explanation off of you.
Bisexual Resource Center: "Pan and Bi: A Handy Guide."
Journal of Bisexuality : “‘Regardless of Their Gender’: Descriptions of Sexual Identity among Bisexual, Pansexual, and Queer Identified Individuals.”
Journal of Sex Research : "Sexual Identity Development among Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Youths: Consistency and Change Over Time."
Pew Research Center: "Among LGBT Americans, bisexuals stand out when it comes to identity, acceptance."
PLoS One : "Attitudes toward Bisexual Men and Women among a Nationally Representative Probability Sample of Adults in the United States."
UCLA School of Law Williams Institute: "How Many People are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender?"
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Jennifer Wilber is a writer, teacher, and bisexual rights activist from Ohio.
Individuals who identify within the bi spectrum may experience their attractions in very different ways.
The simplest definition of bisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person is attracted to both their own and different genders. Though all bi people are attracted to more than one gender, different bisexual people experience their attractions in different ways and in different intensities. The most commonly agreed upon definition of bisexuality in the bi community is the one written by the prominent bisexual activist Robyn Ochs, who often describes her sexual orientation in this way:
“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge in myself the potential to be attracted, romantically and/or sexually, to people of more than one sex, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
You may identify as bi, even if your attraction patterns to different genders differ considerably from those of someone else who identifies as bisexual. Not everyone who identifies as bisexual experiences their sexuality in the exact same way, however. There are as many different ways to be bisexual as there are bi people. Though sexuality is much too complex to define specific categories that completely encompass every person on the planet, sexuality researchers have proposed several different “types” of bisexual individuals, based on the different ways in which bisexual identified individuals experience their attraction to people of different gender identities.
Some bi people may find that they are more attracted to one gender or another or that they experience attraction to different genders in different ways. The sexuality researchers Martin Weinberg, Colin Williams, and Douglas Pryor identified three different types of bisexuality in their book Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality:
There may also be two other types, which I proposed in an article, How to Know If You Are Bisexual: A Guide for Coming Out to Yourself . These are:
Because sexual orientation is so complex, some bi individuals may find that they relate to more than one of these categories, while others may find that none of these categories completely fit their unique experiences and identity. These categories may be helpful for some people who identify as bi, however, to help them to better understand their own experience of bisexuality.
Some bi people are more inclined toward heterosexual-appearing relationships, but they are still bi.
Bisexual people who consistently experience greater physical and emotional attraction toward people of the other sex can be described as “heterosexual-leaning bisexuals.” These people find themselves closer to the “heterosexual” side of the Kinsey scale, but do still sometimes experience attraction to their own gender.
Heterosexual-leaning bisexuals often feel that they aren’t “bisexual enough” because their main attractions appear to be heterosexual, but the labels “heterosexual” or “straight” don’t feel right for them, as they do still experience same-sex physical and/or emotional attractions. Some may assume they are straight until they realize that they are also attracted to the same sex later on in life.
Bi people are still bi, even when they are in same-gender relationships.
Bisexual people who consistently experience greater physical and emotional attraction toward people of the same sex can be referred to as “homosexual-leaning bisexuals.” These bisexual people identify closer to the “homosexual” end of the Kinsey scale, but still experience heterosexual attraction sometimes.
Some homosexual-leaning bisexuals may feel that it is easier to simply describe themselves as “gay,” while others proudly acknowledge their bisexual identity. Similarly, to heterosexual-leaning bisexuals, some homosexual-leaning bisexuals may think that they are gay before eventually realizing that they are, in fact, bi later on in life.
Varied type bi individuals may find that they are more physically attracted to one gender, and more emotionally attracted to another.
Though it is commonly taken for granted that a person’s sexual and emotional orientations match, it is possible for people to experience sexual attraction to one gender and emotional attraction to another. Bisexual people who consistently experience greater emotional attraction toward one gender, but a greater physical attraction toward the other can be described as “varied type bisexuals.”
People who experience this type of bisexuality may feel be particularly confused about their sexual orientation because there is a cultural expectation that a person’s emotional and physical attraction will always match. It’s not uncommon for varied type bisexuals to be confused about their sexuality and have a difficult time determining if they are gay, straight, bi, or something else entirely. They may place greater emphasis on their sexual or emotional attractions before eventually coming to the conclusion that both are equally valid and that they are bisexual.
A chart showing the Kinsey Scale. Anyone who falls between 1 and 5 on the Kinsey scale can identify as bi. Bi people who are equally attracted to males and females are a Kinsey 3.
There is a common and persisting myth that all bi people experience equal attraction to men and women. While this doesn’t describe the majority of bisexual people, there are some individuals who do experience a nearly even 50/50 split between heterosexual and homosexual attraction.
These bisexual people are nearly equally emotionally and sexually attracted to both their own gender and other genders (e.g., men and women). Some people may find that at some points in their life they are more 50/50 in their attraction, while at other times they may identify more closely with one of the other categories.
Many bi people find a potential partner's gender to be entirely unimportant, and are more interested in a person's personality.
Many people who identify as bi find that a potential partner’s gender expression is unimportant, and more interested in a person for their personality. These individuals can be described as having an “outside the binary” bi orientation. These people are just as likely to be physically and/or emotionally attracted to people who identify outside of the gender binary, in addition to men and women. These people may also identify as "pansexual." Pansexuality is a similar orientation to bisexuality that may have some overlap with bisexuality. Some people may identify more strongly with one label or the other. Others may use both labels interchangeably.
Admittedly, attempts to identify specific types or categories of bisexuality may not be entirely useful to everyone who identifies as bisexual. There are as many different ways to experience bisexual attraction as there are bi individuals. We are all unique, despite having some shared experiences and similar patterns of attraction. The only thing that all bi people really all have in common is being attracted to people of multiple genders.
Question: I am attracted to both males and females (and have had a girlfriend and currently have a boyfriend). I felt like I wanted to have sex with my girlfriend but I don't have the same feeling towards my boyfriend. Am I really bisexual or is there another word to describe what I am?
Answer: You are the only one who can answer that. Maybe you are bi, and just aren't attracted to your current boyfriend. Maybe you are a lesbian, and aren't attracted to any men. This is something you need to find out for yourself. If defining your sexuality is causing you too much distress, don't feel like you need to put a definite label on it. Just do what feels right to you.

Unless you've been avoiding social media like the plague, you've probably gathered that this week is Bi Week! For seven straight days, the bi+ community works diligently to make themselves visble, have their voices heard, and combat bi-erasure. In the spirit of bi week and putting forth additional bi content, I wanted to discuss what it's like dating a bi guy. For the record, I think bi guys are the best to date, but then again, I may be biased.  
In many regards, bisexual men want the same things as everyone else when it comes to relationships. We want an honest partner. We want to be emotionally fulfilled. We want to love and to be loved in return. We want someone who will be there for us when we fall down. And so on and so forth...
But in many ways, dating a bisexual man is somewhat different. I don’t say this to create a further divide between people, but given the society we live in (one that has vicious stereotypes about bisexual men, especially when it comes to having a relationship with one), it’s naive to believe that dating a bi guy is the exact same as dating a straight man or a gay man.
So in honor of #Biweek, here are 10 things you should know before dating a bisexual guy!
Every bi man I know who’s been open about his sexual identity has been rejected because of it. I was ghosted after two dates with this woman because she found my bisexuality "too much." I didn’t see it coming at all, because on the surface level, she seemed completely okay with my bisexuality. She even told me that she had hooked up with women and found herself attracted to women. Nevertheless (I learned from a mutual friend), my sexual orientation was the reason why she ghosted me. When you’re rejected for revealing a part of your identity, it makes it difficult to be 100% open about yourself from the get-go. So just give us some time.
This idea that we don’t miss being intimate with other people when in a monogamous relationship is absolutely ridiculous. But you know what? So do gay men and straight women and everyone else! Of course many gay men miss being with other men when they are in a monogamous relationship from time to time. But that doesn’t mean they want an open-relationship. It doesn’t mean that they’re going out and cheating. It’s human to sometimes miss being with other people. But when we've made a commitment, we’ve made a commitment. You need to trust us.
This isn’t something that necessarily affects your relationship, but it is something to keep in mind, especially if you’re seeing classic signs of undiagnosed depression or anxiety.
Odds are we watch gay porn, lesbian porn, bi porn, straight porn, and every other type of porn. There’s no need to freak out, telling yourself, "Oh shit, that’s not something I can give to him!" Porn is fantasy. It’s fun. None of the guys I've dated gave me a 12-inch rock hard dick, but I sure love watching that in porn. It doesn't mean I was planning on breaking up with my boyfriends because they didn’t have a third leg.
If you’re a woman, you’ll inevitably here at some point, "You know your boyfriend is actually gay right?" If you’re a gay man, you may get some shade from other gays. This is because gay men often think that bi guys are simply not comfortable with their "true" identity of being "full-blown gay."
This is a bizarre and femmephobic statement that I’ve encountered from gay men. Apparently, bi men are "hot" because they sleep with women and that somehow makes us more masculine. This fetishization is somehow homophobic, sexist, and biphobic all in one.
This is something I’ve encountered from certain straight women. They see me as their gay BFF who they can make out with. They don’t see me as a bisexual person who’s actually interesting in dating them. They reduce me to a stereotype and plaything.
In her book, Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men by Women , Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli interviewed dozens of straight women who have dated bisexual men. Her research revealed that bi men (who are out and open with their sexual identity) are often less consumed by traditional notions of gender as well as expected gender roles.
Okay, okay, I know I shouldn’t be saying this, but there’s legitimate research that reveals this. Again, in her book, Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli explains that bi men make the best lovers because they’re more attune to the needs of their partner(s).
We’re humans. If you break up with us, we’ll be hurt. If you say something nasty, we will cry. If you don’t treat us with respect, we will move on. I say this to illustrate that while there are differences between bi guys and other men, the things that matter—the things that make us human—are still very much the same.

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