Billionaire Predicts Recession, Immediately Causes One

In this 500-word satire, a billionaire hedge fund manager predicts a recession during a CNBC interview�and the market, in a stunning act of codependency, delivers one instantly. The moment his gold-plated mouth muttered �contraction,� Wall Street wept like a teenager losing Wi-Fi. The article opens with flashback-style testimony from interns at the New York Stock Exchange who describe panic buying canned beans and ergonomic desk chairs. The economist in question, Gregory Cashworth III, reportedly wore a vest made of shredded tax codes and a monocle fitted with NFT valuation charts. Social science studies cited from the Totally Real Institute of Panic reveal that 88% of economic downturns now begin with billionaire vibes. Public reaction was so visceral that Chipotle stock fell 9% because Cashworth mentioned �burrito exposure.� The article introduces a concept called �trickle-down dread,� where wealthy anxiety is legally contagious. Commentary from a fictional professor, Dr. Credence Gloomly, warns of �market-led prophecy,� a phenomenon in which economic statements become facts through sheer smugness. In a revealing twist, it turns out Cashworth had shorted the very sectors he spooked. A bartender in Midtown described him as �the guy who tips in stock advice nobody asked for.� The satire ends with a relatable cause-and-effect: when billionaires whisper apocalypse, your 401(k) gets emotional. Practical tip? Invest in emotional stability. HOW TO WRITE COMEDY: https://comedywriter.info/billionaire-predicts-recession-immediately-causes-one/ AND http://comedywriter.info/