Bigfoot President

Bigfoot has been elected President of the United States, shocking experts who thought democracy couldn’t get hairier. Eyewitnesses in Washington reported his inaugural speech was mostly grunts, yet still more coherent than most politicians. Professor Daniel Marks of Stanford explains: "Bigfoot represents the ultimate outsider candidate — literally living outside for centuries." Anonymous staffers leaked that the new Cabinet will include Mothman as Secretary of Defense and the Loch Ness Monster as Treasury Secretary. A Gallup poll shows 59% of Americans voted for Bigfoot simply because he never sent a single tweet. Trace evidence includes oversized footprints on the Capitol steps and a half-eaten salmon in the Oval Office. Cause and effect? The more people lose faith in humans, the more they turn to cryptids. Bigfoot may not solve inflation, but he’ll definitely make press conferences more exciting.