Big Muscle Jock Locker Room
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Big Muscle Jock Locker Room
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If you’d asked me before I read through this list of answers, I would have guessed that most of the memories boys (and men) have from their days using locker rooms aren’t exactly great.
Who likes being naked with a bunch of friends, especially during those awkward high school years?
These 16 guys have more funny memories than anything, though – at least, the ones are funny that didn’t happen to them.
Swimmers can be disgusting as f**k…the change room was the scene of the most f**kery… I once saw a couple guys drag a dude with only his swim suit on face down on across a bathroom floor, but the craziest thing I saw was when a guy came up behind a dude at the urinal and started pissing on him…the pisser then runs away on to the pool deck…
dude who got pissed on comes full speed out of the change room and tackles they guy into the pool…a fight ensues and dude who got pissed on ends up also getting his nose broken…
During high school I tried to make room on the bench for my teammate.
I slid down the wooden bench and got a splinter in my bum.
not an athlete, but our gym hall in school was closed off for 3 months so we went to an actual public gym. some guy in our class (16 years old) thought it was funny to put a plastic bottle in his pants to simulate a massive boner and walk into the female locker room with it.
he got suspended from sports for the 3 months we were there.
Football locker room. Varsity locker room had limited spots, everyone else had to go into the small room that had a 6 ft. ceiling. Summer camp my sophomore year, after coaches left, Varsity guys held wrestling matches to determine who got the remaining lockers in the big varsity room.
Kid got suplexed into the whiteboard, and we all found out that the walls were made of concrete. Blood everywhere. Varsity locker room was closed for the remainder of the year.
Varsity soccer in high school, kid took a ball to his balls. After the game, was in terrible pain. One ball had gone all black and blue and he was taken to the ER. One testicle turned around and the blood supply was cut off.
From the time of impact of the ball to his balls had been too long, and they had to remove it. He was christened Uno from that time on.
One my wrestling teammates tucked his d*%k and balls between his legs and proceeded to chase down kids in his gym class yelling “look at muh poosey.”
I swear being on a wrestling team is the funniest shit you’ll ever witness.
Hs Basketball game at one of the roughest schools we played against. Walked into the locker room and some dude was banging his gf on the sink.
They ran away so fast seeing 15 lanky white dudes storming their moment
Not really a locker room story, but one time I was at a 5 day tournament (nationals) that was rained out for the first three days. Athletes were getting rowdy and going for drinks (behind the coaches back).
Well day 4 it was finally nice enough to play. We noticed on a different field, some police officers were talking to people on the sideline. Apparently, one player didn’t make it back to the hotel the night before.
They found his body at the bottom of an elevator shaft in a building under construction. No one knows how he got there but it seems like he just wandered off and fell. Day 5 was cancelled after that.
I was a member of this family gym. They would have grade school swim teams there in the afternoon. One day, I’m getting changed and I notice this guy in his sixties just sitting butt naked on a bench drinking one of those giant sodas you get from the gas station.
Happy as a clam just slurping his soda.
My first thought was he’s just the naked locker room guy and to let him be. Then all the swim team kids came in after practice and I realized why he was hanging out. He was waiting on them.
I go right to the front desk and they got him out. Never saw him again.
Came into the Locker room after practice and my teammate was riding a hover board butt naked.
One dude, let’s call him Greg, was a crazy motherf**ker. A 200+ lbs linebacker of pimply, red muscle with a goofy smile all the time because he just did something again.
Would go a whole practice with a lighter and spray cologne in his pants to light people on the sidelines, shit like that. The most memorable was after one practice we are all getting changed and, I guess wanting an audience, Greg starts causing a naked ruckus by slapping people with his jock strap then crawling onto a table where he proceeded to drop a deuce on all fours.
His anus was facing the coaches office, I saw an assistant peek through the blinds and decide it wasn’t worth intervening.
My local football club had two long lines of open showers with a three foot wide, slightly raised section you could step out and onto running down the middle of the two shower areas.
Now these showers are nothing more than shower heads poking out of the wall, no privacy at all, just you and eleven other blokes in this old 1970’s designed shower space that is concrete and brick.
My junior team used to train the same nights as the Seconds team so we’d share the change room space, showers etc.
Only the once I’d noticed some of the guys suddenly, mid shower, jump from one side of the showers to the opposite side, and quickly claim a vacant spot to continue showering if someone left etc.
I assumed that maybe the water pressure was better or the water was slightly hotter but the real reason was this…
One bloke in particular always managed to grab the shower furtherest down the line of about six showers.
He’d wait until the showers were full then do a sly piss that would run all the way down the line to the drain.
If you didn’t spot him, you’d literally be standing in his piss while showering, if you saw him you bailed out, across to the other side.
He thought this was hilarious and reckoned he’d done it hundreds of times BUT for the worst instance of his ‘shower shenanigans’ I can gladly say I wasn’t there for thank goodness.
From what I was told, he once again grabbed the last shower at the back and after a couple of mins all Hell breaks loose.
Guys are literally falling over themselves trying to jump out of the showers, bare arses exiting the area like it’s on fire with people screaming and swearing like it is such was the panic.
Turns out he had his back to everyone for a bit and one of the blokes yelled out “that he’d better not be having a piss”
To everyone’s absolute horror he’s been having a wank all this time and is about to blow!
To cap it off, apparently he was doing this high pitched hysterical laughing as it was all happening making the whole thing even more traumatizing.
I don’t ever recall seeing him return to the club after that.
Not an athlete but this was in a locker room in the military. One guy in my unit had massive balls. Like he had a medical condition where something didn’t form right and they grew really big, it even interfered with his run times.
We shared our locker room with another unit and somehow out conversion turned to which unit had the guy with the largest balls (as military conversations tend to do).
They called their guy and he comes running around the corner with his nuts in his hand, so proud of himself. We aren’t impressed. We tell our guy to come show them his balls. The other unit took one look and instantly declared us the winners haha. Score one for Fox Company!
So I was a swimmer in college. Our practices were always pretty fun and social. One of the school photographers/media guys would often come by to watch and chat with our coach.
He was cool and friendly, and we always got along well. One time we were having a conversation and he followed me and my teammate through the locker room (which was on the way to his office so I didn’t think anything of it). He stopped in the doorway of our varsity locker room, which in hindsight should have been a red flag, but again we were in the middle of a conversation so I didn’t think anything of it.
I started changing, which wouldn’t have been awkward except that he just stopped talking when I took off my suit. I figured maybe he wasn’t comfortable with nudity or something not being an athlete or a college guy. Naïve, I know. Anyway, I finished getting changed and then we all left and that was that.
Fast forward six months and he gets busted for leaving his phone on in a locker and recording the shower area. He apparently had hundreds of photos and videos of students. Our university conducted a full investigation of course, and they claimed that all the students who appeared in the photos and videos were contacted, so I guess I wasn’t among them.
I know I should feel violated or something, but I was really just mad that a seemingly good guy could be so terrible.
Was on swim team and they had this ritual where you would take your dick and balls and stuff em behind your legs, and then proceed to whip em back out and see how far you could get your stream.
Was in middle school after P.E. class when another student thought it would be funny to blind side tackle me in the shower while repeatedly yelling “call me daddy”.
Of course we both ended up in the principal’s office after that, but we didn’t get in trouble for fighting… we got in trouble for PDA (personal display of affection)
I’m laughing pretty hard, so maybe there’s something wrong with me, idk.
Do you have a funny memory from your locker room days? Share it with us in the comments!
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The 12 Worst Guys You Encounter in the Gym Locker Room, Ranked
Kyle Scott is the founder and editor of CrossingBroad.com. He has written for CBS Philly and Philly Voice, and been a panelist or contributor on NBC Sports Philly, FOX 29 and SNY TV, as well as a recurring guest on 97.5 The Fanatic, 94 WIP, 106.7 The Fan and other stations. He has more than 10 years experience running digital media properties and in online advertising and marketing.
I like the young I shape kids says:
Adam Josephs Perfectly Shaped Eyebrows says:
The naked guy in the locker room says:
step 3: make her open the box says:
Shut the fuck up men are talking says:
Home » Writer/Editor: Kyle Scott » The 12 Worst Guys You Encounter in the Gym Locker Room, Ranked
I judged a man last night. I judged a man at my suburban gym who was shaving, in a towel, at 7 p.m., on a Tuesday night.
I’ve never been a locker room dweller. I rarely change and never shower in there. Sure, I work from home and can throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, drive over to the gym, and then drive back. I know I’m in the minority. When I worked in an actual office, I of course changed at the gym like a normal person. But I wouldn’t shower. Unless you go to the gym before work or during lunch, you should never shower. You shower when you get home. If you’re thinking, yeah but I go to the gym before dates so I have a little bit of a swell, and therefore I have to shower because I don’t want to smell , I dislike you, partially because you just made a rhyme. Don’t go to the gym before going on a date. You’re an asshole if you prepare for a date in a bacteria-infested sweat box in front of naked old men. Read a book instead, so you actually have something to talk about other than your new egg and mango diet, meathead.
And that brings me back to the shaver.
It was too late for a weekday date. I thought that maybe he was heading into work or to somewhere important. But at 7 p.m. on a Tuesday, the chances of the latter were slim. He was 20 minutes away from getting out of there, factor in a 20-minute to wherever in the suburbs, and you’re looking at an 8 p.m. dinner, at best, on a Tuesday. I just don’t see it. And he didn’t look like someone who worked the night shift. People who work the night shift have a certain look, and this guy’s English soccer player appearance didn’t fit the image. He was probably an art director at a boutique marketing firm. So I judged him. I judged him for preferring to stand barefoot, shirtless, in a tiny towel, whilst enjoying the art of the shave like a 1950s barber talking about the post-war boom to a guy named Henry, instead of doing so in the comfort of his own damn home.
Anyway, as much as I judged the shaver, he doesn’t even make the list of the worst people you encounter in a men’s locker room at the gym. So here they are, ranked:
When I solicited Twitter for help in crafting this list, not-surprisingly I received a bunch of responses about naked old men. We’ve all seen them, seen their wrinkly skin and old balls and had the stark realization that one day we, too, will have the ass skin of a poorly-raised chicken. No one likes the naked old man at the gym, but we’ve come to accept him, almost celebrate him, as an artifact from yesteryear. Back in the day, dudes were cool with being naked around each other. When I imagine old-timey conversations, I picture two guys sippin’ beers and sittin’ with their balls flopped over a stoop, talkin’ ‘bout “the block.” This probably isn’t an accurate view of life in simpler times, but it works for me. The point is, being naked is a generational thing. I used to think it was an age thing, but I’m 30 now, almost 31 – well into being an actual adult – and I still don’t feel even a little bit comfortable having a conversation with a naked man. Unless it’s Henrik Lundqvist or Chase Utley. I’d probably be OK having a naked conversation with Henrik Lundqvist or Chase Utley. But that’s it. No one else. Old people differ on this, and although we don’t have to like it, we’re going to have to put up with it for a few more years. It is what it is.
@CrossingBroad old dudes, fully naked, just hanging out, talking, standing around. So Creepy. I felt violated.
— dewey (@DewDew302) August 13, 2014
Comes into gym impeccably dressed at 6:45 p.m— tailored grey dress pants, tailored shirt, cufflinks, watch, styled but simple hair.
Gets changed, folding each clothing item neatly on BYO hangers and placing gently his watch on the top shelf of the locker with two soft hands as if he’s presenting a rare Earth gem to tribal peoples.
Catches a quick glimpse in the mirror.
Gets dressed in same work clothes for the drive home.
Adjusts cufflinks, re-styles hair, and loads up on cologne.
Walks out carrying his designer gym bag and checking his Galaxy S.
Gets into 1998 Toyota Tercel and calls his mom to tell her he’ll be late for dinner because he had to work late.
I’ve never understood the need to watch TV in the locker room, let alone sit on those Petri dish couches. The only time I ever sat on the couches in a locker room was one time at the Healthplex during the year or two the Sixers practiced there. I’ve written about this before, but I was tying my shoes, probably waiting for my Dad to finish his brief attempt at a racquetball career, and Rex Walters came and sat next to me. REX WALTERS! Allen Iverson stood back in the corner, where there was the entrance to the Sixers’ off-shoot locker room. I figured I had reached peak locker room couch-sitting slash TV-watching, and I was 13. It could only go downhill from there. Now I just walk by the couches and think about Rex Walters. I wonder whatever happened to Rex Walters? [I checked: He’s the head basketball coach at the University of San Francisco.]
Why, man, MUST YOU RUN YOUR VACUUM, REPLACE THE SOAP, AND WINDEX THE MIRRORS AT THE PRECISE MOMENT I REMOVE MY PANTS? I have a wife to do that sort of ill-timed thing.
I don’t see skin color, but I do see things that are a 1:1, to-scale replicas of that giant Foucault pendulum at the Franklin Institute. Thanks, bro, but I know the Earth rotates, I don’t need your swinging dongulum knocking over dominos while I’m deodorizing to prove it. It … makes me feel inferior. Please put it away. It’s huge.
There’s no exact minimum distance how far away you should be when naked in front of other guys in the locker room (it’s situationally dependent), but you know too close when you see it. Or smell it. When one wrong step into your boxers could send you ass-first into a guy digging the socks out of his gym bag, you’re too close. When the guy next to you can feel the displaced air from the removal of your towel, you’re too close. When your cock is spelunking in someone else’s locker, you’re too close. Step away or wait until the area clears, but don’t be:
As frightful as the locker room may be, we all accept that we’re going to see some pretty nasty shit, but usually, the visuals are fleeting moments that come and go quickly. But there’s always someone who feels the need to do just one-too-many things while disrobed. Usually he flings his towel over his shoulder and then checks his phone, digs through his bag, brushes his teeth, looks in the mirror, picks a scab… all things that can be done with his cash and two prizes safely tucked away inside a towel or, preferably, pants.
@CrossingBroad saw a dude pounding a protein shake and eating a pb&j butt ass naked on the bench. Nuts flopped out on the bench and all.
Yours. Thankfully, I’ve never seen one of my bosses naked. The closest I came was sometime in 2008 or 2009 when my boss and I took an out-of-town client out for drinks. Lots of them. Too many of them. My boss offered me to crash in his hotel room at the Ritz (our company hosted an event in the city and hooked him up with the room), where there was a spare bed. We got back at around 3:30 a.m., and the next thing I knew it was 5 a.m. and he’s standing at the foot of my bed wearing nothing but tight black briefs asking if I want to go down to the gym with him. Um, nah, I think I’ll stay here with my pounding headache and seared retinas. But thanks.
Anyway, I’ve never showered with a boss. But I’m one of the lucky ones:
— Diego Ramos (@Diegoinphilly) August 13, 2014
Interestingly, he’s never naked in the locker room, likely because his balls are now the size of organic peas. But you know when he’s in there. He stands in front of the mirror, pre- and post-swell, admiring, flexing, grunting, sipping his gallon container filled with a powdery orange liquid, and sometimes:
https://twitter.com/Gondo09/status/499553485629956096
@CrossingBroad Actually saw 2 guys shooting roids into each other's asses while naked. (No, not a gay gym either).
— Pantsasnapkins (@pantsasnapkins) August 13, 2014
https://twitter.com/paulCHECKSin/status/499544570385166336
I’ll let friend of the site Doug describe this one for you:
Saw your tweet about a gym bathroom/locker room experience… This happened about 2 years ago:
These lockers are NOT personal, nor is the hair dryer, or the friggin counter he planted his foot on. I was in there with about 5-8 other dudes. I left before the situation escalated (as if it could get any worse).
Some things will never leave you… this is my cross to bear.
https://twitter.com/D_Renzi/status/499556560511975424
@CrossingBroad overweight man, 60s, naked in front of the mirror, picking his sack up and inspecting it in the mirror. **
— Jim Nasium (@HayeZ_J) August 13, 2014
Of all the guys I’ve mentioned so far, none of them would really be considered criminals. Weird? Probably. Self-absorbed? You bet. Situationally-unaware? Without question. But The Guy Who Drys Off for Too Long for may be truly nefarious.
It takes me approximately 12 seconds to adequately towel off when I’m at home. Maybe a few more if I really want to dry my
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