Big Hairy Ball Sack
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Big Hairy Ball Sack
It’s a Whole New Ball Game 01 Download
Hungry for more hilarious ball sack comedy? Download the full PDF now! For only $5.95 you can have the entire 65 page e-book with even more tricks and gut-wrenching jokes. Download it now so you can have these fantastic tricks at your fingertips anytime and anywhere you want!
Plus, all proceeds will go back into the site so we can continue to bring you more mind bending sack magic.
$4.95 – Buy Now Checkout
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Remember that sign in class…”Time will pass, but will you?” Well Ha, Ha! We did pass, and now we’re giving Father Time a whole new make-over. The secret is to show this trick to people who still wear a watch (those numbers are becoming less and less.) Most people check the time by looking at their phones. We highly recommend you DO NOT try to make a Skin Phone…this could result in major injury (but if you do pull this off, let us know.) So, when your buddy asks for the time, give him what he asks for…a Skin Watch. He’ll laugh, you’ll laugh, there will be a moment of uncomfortable silence…but you know it was well worth it!
We all hate flat tires…at least we used to, until now. This move, if performed correctly, can impress even the most skeptical. Take a little time to practice this nifty maneuver before you start bragging to your friends. If done incorrectly, you’re going to put a lot of work into a move only to be shunned by your friends for masturbating in public. The directions say “balls”, as in plural, or having two nuts, though we believe this can still be performed with those “single- nut” owners. Those with three balls, well, this trick should be the least of your worries. I’ve met people with a single nut, but never anyone with three…I wonder what that’s like?
Ball off Battle
The Ball Off Battle is a game us sack tricksters have been playing for years. The battle begins when a group gets together and one by one each baller throws down their best trick. The tricks are viewed by an impartial female who is willing to judge each trick on difficulty, technique, and above all, size. When it boils down to it, there is nothing that beats a huge cobbler. The winner of the battle gets to select one of the losers to shotgun a beer.
Preparation
When performing sack tricks, preparation is key. You never want to be in the middle of a Ball Off Battle only to find out you have the hairiest sack in town. No chick wants to see a gross, hairy sack, you will lose every time. We suggest you keep your sack clean, smooth, and showered. Take care of your sack, so it can take care of you when shit goes down in the Ball Off Battle.
Warnings
Balls are hilarious, but we all know they are not the most pleasant things to look at. We want to send you out into the world with knowledge of ball tricks, but you need to know the rules first. Here are some places where ball tricks might be appropriate; house party, backyard, pool, guest room, Howard Stern show, bathroom, garage, patio, beach, car…etc. Here are some places where ball tricks are inappropriate; school, church, freeways, train station, parks, restaurants, work, any public places, and most of all, never in front of children.
Like so many, we’ve been deprived of seeing the infamous flying squirrels (outside of nature shows that is). So we dedicate this trick to the first squirrel who took it upon himself to change the evolutionary process. Can you imagine the nuts (pun intended) on the first squirrel who took that leap? It’s now time for you to take evolution into your own hands and let your inner-squirrel loose once and for all. You, like the first squirrel, maybe be criticized initially for this feat, but know deep down your motives are far greater than a cheap laugh from your friends. Let’s see who’s laughing in a million years when this trick becomes so passé because everyone’s sack has evolved to perform the Flying Squirrel…even in cold weather! The degree of difficulty for this one is great, but so was that first leap…here’s to you contributing to the evolutionary process! Fly squirrel…fly!
It’s a Whole New Ball Game 01 Download
Hungry for more hilarious ball sack comedy? Download the full PDF now! For only $5.95 you can have the entire 65 page e-book with even more tricks and gut-wrenching jokes. Download it now so you can have these fantastic tricks at your fingertips anytime and anywhere you want!
Plus, all proceeds will go back into the site so we can continue to bring you more mind bending sack magic.
$4.95 – Buy Now Checkout
Added to cart
What do you call eleven naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
Did you hear about the 120-pound guy with the 60-pound testicles?
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch!
Ahhh…Gum Shorts; this should bring some of you back to sipping Kool-Aid and watching “Gleaming the Cube”, while your sack hangs out of your too short JimmyZ shorts. This once accidental maneuver has evolved into a nostalgic oldie but goodie that continues to surprise your friends and keeps them guessing if “it” really is gum or not hanging from your zipper. You’ll find your less intelligent buddies are even willing to help you remove the “gum” so be aware when showing this off post happy hour.
Hands down, this a great trick to begin your “sack trick” (non- paying) career. This is a great maneuver to start with before transitioning into the more complex moves (such as Flat Tire). That said, don’t underestimate the power or complexity of this trick, as it’s not for the timid; you’ll find your greatest amount of exposure when performing this move, both emotionally and physically. After the initial shock, comes “aftershock”, in the form of laughter. The secret is to discern the laughs – are they laughing with you…or at you? Trust us…the harassment will only build your confidence going into the more complex maneuvers as your buddies will grow green with envy (most likely from too much alcohol consumption). Enjoy this recession friendly trick as it costs a hell of a lot less than the actual process of windsurfing.
It’s a Whole New Ball Game 01 Download
Hungry for more hilarious ball sack comedy? Download the full PDF now! For only $5.95 you can have the entire 65 page e-book with even more tricks and gut-wrenching jokes. Download it now so you can have these fantastic tricks at your fingertips anytime and anywhere you want!
Plus, all proceeds will go back into the site so we can continue to bring you more mind bending sack magic.
$4.95 – Buy Now Checkout
Added to cart
We decided to take the whole “this is your brain on drugs” infomercial to the next level; “these are your balls, these are your balls looking like a brain…any questions?” To further damage an already over-played cliché, “don’t judge a book by it’s cover” – so should you not judge those who attempt this amazing feat in front of their peers, or colleagues. C’mon, how many of us have gone out drinking with our associates…there’s always “that guy” – the one who takes it to the next level, even when the executives are around. Well my friends…now’s the time for you to be “that guy.” Executing “The Brain”, like many first impressions, can lead to one of two things: 1) a major promotion within your organization based on your total confidence for performing such a task in front of your boss and co-workers or 2) the likelihood that you will transition from your current position to manager of janitorial services. Nowadays, that may not be such a bad gig.
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Viktor fell back with a cry of alarm as the girl's heeled boot crashed into his face. Landing next to the headless body of one of his dead henchmen, the Crime Boss fell again as he tried desperately to scramble to his feet, this time slipping on the blood still oozing from dead man’s neck.
She knelt next to him, the blonde beauty's blade at his throat to still his struggling.
“You don’t even remember me, do you?” The question held lethal disdain in its tone.
No, Viktor didn’t recall the girl. The first he’d heard of her was about two weeks ago, when his people had started turning up dead. Often headless, as if someone were collecting trophies. Foot soldiers, goons, hit-men, mid-level bosses… someone was rolling up his operation, starting from the ground level and leading towards him.
When the carnage had started, he'd called in more muscle, laid traps, bought information, looked for leverage, put out contracts and even tried to buy his attacker off. All to no avail. The source of his trouble was like a ghost, appearing, killing and disappearing, again. He'd heard rumors it was a young woman, but he hadn't believed it. People were calling her either "Ghost" or "Avenging Angel."
Finally, tonight, he'd entered his bunker with his three remaining men; the rest were either dead or had fled. The bunker was similar to a panic room, but larger and better equipped with all the best technology, defenses and conveniences. Locking himself in, he started to feel better immediately. Let the ghost try to get at him in here!
If he could live through the next 8 hours, his brother would arrive with an army of new muscle to track down and kill his tormenter. It had been humiliating to ask his older brother for help, but it had been unavoidable. Business had ground to a halt, and explanations were starting to be demanded.
Vault-like door closed, bolt locks engaged, he could see his men breathing easier, and he let out a sigh of relief, himself. NOBODY was coming through that door without a large amount of military-grade explosives or a week to drill.
"Get me a drink, I have to call Josef with an update," he'd barked at his security chief. Despite reaching safety, Viktor was feeling testy. If his security team had been better at their jobs, none of this would have happened!
The other two men relaxed warily, just glad they were not the current targets of the Boss' ire. The man had been yelling a lot, lately! One turned on the TV while the other announced, "I'm going to hit the head. Be right back."
It was a mistake. "You do that," the Boss growled from the chair at his desk as he prepared to call his brother. "You worthless punks aren't good for much other than eating my food, watching my TV and pissing in my toilet," he continued, shaking his head. "Oh, and bleeding on my Persian rugs. You're good at that, too."
The guy who'd spoken looked sheepish, glancing at his mate, who just shrugged. No one could really blame the Boss for being pissed. This was a colossal shit-show, and if the Boss' brother did manage to save them, there was no guarantee they'd not all be shot for being incompetent losers, anyway. The Organization didn't tolerate business interruptions.
Viktor watched the two worthless pricks for a moment to see if they had anything to say for themselves. Getting nothing, he turned to his phone, starting a video call to Josef, who was en-route from Russia. The phone rang a couple times, and then his brother's face appeared on screen.
"Viktor," Josef said, sounding smug. "How are you, brother?" His tone carried an amused note.
The Boss had to bite his tongue not to respond in anger. The brothers were close, after a fashion, but they had also become rivals over the years, and Viktor knew Josef intended to press his advantage after saving his brother from ruin. The price for his help would be HIGH. Very HIGH.
"I'm alive, brother, and safe. How is your flight? On-time?"
"We're ahead of schedule, brother, and we're highly motivated to come save your ass. Tell me about this ghost of yours. Who is he?"
Viktor didn't like to admit it, but he had little choice. "We don't know. There has been no contact. No notes left or even threats. Just headless bodies."
Josef laughed. "It sounds like someone is trying hard to send a message, anyway."
The Boss didn't like how flippant his brother sounded. "Be serious. At the money-counting house, this ghost took out eight men. None of the counters were harmed, only our members."
"And the counters could tell you nothing?" Josef sounded skeptical.
"Well..." Viktor said reluctantly. "They claimed it was a girl. One girl, armed with a sword! Of course, they're in shock or something. Those old ladies can't possibly be right," he added with a scoff.
"Your whole operation destroyed by a girl..." his brother responded, then pausing. "With a sword?" He laughed. "Ohhhh, brother, this is getting better by the minute."
Then Josef turned angry. "You realize I'm bringing FIFTY men with me? Do you know how much this is costing? Do you KNOW the favors I had to call in?"
Now it was Viktor's turn to get angry. "EIGHT MEN at once, Josef. Well-armed, some of my best! You're asking the wrong questions. The question is, did you bring ENOUGH muscle!"
"Oh please, brother. I come for a war, and you tell me a scary bedtime story for children. This is a joke."
The two other men in the room, the security chief and the henchman on the couch, listened to this exchange uneasily. Trying to look busy, the security chief said in a low voice, "You two get the external cameras up and running. I want them monitored. They can also tie into our systems in our offices. I want word of any movement you see."
The guy on the couch grumbled. "Fine, fine, we'll do it." Calling back to the bathroom, he called out, "Get out here, you lazy sack. We have work to do. I need your mad tech skillz."
The Boss continued to argue with his brother over the video connection, but no answer came from the back, where the bathroom was. As the henchmen was fiddling with the surveillance control panel, he grew impatient after another minute.
"Don't make me come back there, buddy."
With a frustrated snort, the henchman stood up from the control panel and strode back to the bathroom, big fists balled up. "Get your ass out here, and I mean n...."
The security chief looked up as the henchman's angry demand was cut off suddenly. A low gurgling sound could be heard instead, and then the man came stumbling back from the back, blood spraying out from his throat in a wide jet of arterial flow, getting ALL OVER THE BOSS' PERSIAN RUG!!! MOTHERFUCK!
The bleeding man crashed to the floor on top of the coffee table, making a great noise as glass broke and things turned over, clearly bleeding out fast. And immediately the other henchman's SEVERED HEAD came rolling out from the bathroom area like a bowling ball tossed halfway down the lane, landing and bouncing over towards the Boss' desk.
The chief stared at this scene in horror, mouth agape as their "avenging angel" emerged from the shadows right behind the bouncing, rolling severed head, gleaming blade in hand.
"It IS a girl with a sword," he had time to think as she approached, moving fast. "And she's beautiful." Her long blonde hair flowed out behind her, her breasts straining the semi-sheer material of her dress as they bounced with her fluid movements.
The Organization was a man's world. Women served their purpose in this world. In this world, the gorgeous avenging angel was an incongruous sight, and the security chief struggled for a moment to grasp what he was seeing.
Was she really here to kill them all, he thought as he reached for the gun under his jacket, feeling impossibly slow. Too late. Her blade came around in an effcient, quick arc, and the security chief knew no more as his head was separated from his body, blood spurting out as his heart beat a few more times.
And now Viktor was on his back as Josef yelled over their video phone connection for someone to tell him WHAT WAS HAPPENING!!!
"You don't even remember me, do you," she asked the mighty Crime Boss, her breasts heaving a little with her efforts.
Viktor knew he was going to die. There was no reason to hold back.
"No, I don't remember you," he replied. "Should I?"
The girl's blue eyes glinted as she took in his feigned indifference with a nod that made her long blonde mane move around her shoulders and back a bit. Viktor had a moment to notice that Josef had fallen silent, just listening, now.
"No, why would you remember me? You killed my parents when I was twelve. You killed my little brother in front of them and me. And then you killed my parents in front of me. You let me live and turned me into a sex slave for your business. I TOLD YOU I'd be back, but you just laughed at me."
"And here you are." Viktor wondered at the determination it must have taken. He'd seen the way she moved. Clearly, she'd had years of training to prepare for this personal war of hers. He wondered who had taken her in and provided that sort of education to her.
"You're not laughing, now, are you" she asked him, bitterly.
Viktor shrugged, taking a moment to question WHY he still had NO IDEA who she was, or who her family was, or why they'd been destroyed. Had they insulted the Organization? Were they an obstacle? Had they refused to play the game? He had not a clue. Viktor only knew one thing.
"It was just business, you know. I could apologize to you and beg for my life, but it wouldn't stop what will come next even if you spared me. It's still only business. It's not personal."
"I'll personally enjoy killing every gangster goon you fucks send after me. Before I'm done, your entire family will be gone. How is that for 'business?'"
And she looked like she could do it, too. But he was weary, suddenly, and he shook his head.
The end came more quickly and easily than he deserved, the avenging angel thought as she picked Viktor's severed head up by his hair and laid it on the desk in front of the video phone, where Josef was still on the screen, watching and listening.
"This is what will happen to anyone who comes after me," the girl said.
"I'll see you soon, suka," the man replied. "That's a promise."
"Oh, I'm not telling you to discourage you. I WANT YOU." She smiled at man on the screen, the one who so closely
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