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For almost 20 years, I have thought that penis-reduction surgery was a real thing, thanks to the Chinese restaurant scene in Waiting for Guffman, but supposedly a Florida teen just had the world's first. What are you going to tell me next? That vagina enlargements aren't real, either?
The Daily Mail reports that a teen complained to his doctor that his penis was too big for him to play sports or have sex (not that teens should be having sex anyway, but that's another matter for another post). It was seven inches long (which is great for him but not surgery-worthy) and ten inches in circumference (enough to make my butt spontaneously seal itself forever). His doctor described compared its shape to a football. You be the judge:
Other things that various Gawker writers thought it looked like: a baked potato and a football player with a broad chest.
This is something I wondered as soon as I set eyes on that thing, so I was happy to see it answered by the Mail:
Though his penis was so large, it did not grow when he had erections - it merely became firmer.
His penis was once a relatively normal size, but became misshapen after several bouts of priapism. From that point on, he woke up like this. His doctor, Rafael Carrion, said he found no medical precedent for treatment, and ended up cutting through the teen's circumcision scar to remove tissue on both sides. "A bit like having two side tummy-tucks," is how the doctor described it.
Carrion reports that the teen is "ecstatic" and "all smiles" over his newly manageable penis that remains above average length and thickness.
The moral of the story is: Have a normal dick.
[Top image via Shutterstock; Dick images via The Journal of Sexual Medicine/Metro]

By Alex Robertson For Mailonline 09:46 BST 12 Feb 2015 , updated 14:06 BST 12 Feb 2015
A 17-year-old boy has undergone the world's first penis reduction surgery, surgeons claim.
The American teen requested the surgery after his penis grew too large, restricting his ability to have sex or play competitive sports.
The boy's surgeons were shocked when he came to them complaining that his penis was too big. 
When flaccid, it measured almost seven inches in length and had a circumference of 10 inches - around the size of a grapefruit.
Surgeons described it as being shaped like an American football. 
The surgeon who treated the teenager, Rafael Carrion, a urologist at the University of South Florida, told MailOnline: 'There comes a time in every urologist's career that a patient makes a request so rare and impossible to comprehend that all training breaks down and leaves the physician speechless.
'That question was "can you make my penis smaller"?'
The teenager had suffered from several bouts of priapism - an unwanted erection, due to having a condition in which abnormally-shaped blood cells block vessels in the penis, causing it to swell.
These episodes had left his penis bloated and misshapen.
He said he was unable to have sex or play competitive sport, had difficulty wearing his pants due to his 'large and heavy phallus', and was embarrassed by how visible it appeared underneath regular clothing.
Though his penis was so large, it did not grow when he had erections - it merely became firmer.
'His penis had inflated like a balloon,' said Dr Carrion. 
'It sounds like a man's dream - a tremendously inflated phallus - but unfortunately although it was a generous length, it's girth was just massive, especially around the middle. 
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'It looked like an American football.'
Dr Carrion and his team looked at the medical literature but couldn't find any precedent for what to do.
'Lord knows there's a global race on how to make it longer and thicker in plastic surgery circles, but very little on how to make it smaller,' he said.
In the end, they decided to embark on a surgical technique normally used to treat Peyronie's disease, a condition where scar tissue develops along the penis, causing it to bend.
The surgeons sliced along an old circumcision scar, unwrapped the skin of the penis, and cut out two segments of tissue from either side.
'It was a bit like having two side tummy-tucks - that's how we explained it to him,' said Dr Carrion.
The doctors were able to bypass the urethra - the tube which carries urine through the penis - and all of the nerves that provide sensation.
The teenager spent just two days in hospital before returning home, apparently 'ecstatic' with his new penis.
The doctors did not take final measurements of the penis, although Dr Carrion told MailOnline the result was 'generous'.
There comes a time in every urologist's career that a patient makes a request that leaves a physician speechless. That question was "can you make my penis smaller"?' Rafael Carrion, urologist at the University of South Florida
'It's slightly longer and slightly thicker than the average male, but now it looks symmetrical, and the patient was very satisfied,' he said.
The teen now has no problem having normal erections and has full sensation.
'It looks cosmetically appealing, and he said it was a life-changing event, he's all smiles,' said Carrion.
Since the paper describing the surgery was published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Dr Carrion has only had one person approach him to request the same surgery.
He said: 'This [second] man seems to have a naturally large penis, because there's nothing unusual in his medical history, so it doesn't seem like there's any real abnormality in this case'.
Whereas the first teenager had an obvious medical condition that needed treating, performing surgery on someone who is completely healthy but having difficulties with the size of his penis is another matter, said Dr Carrion.
'These are controversial waters we're stepping in,' he added. 'Who is to judge what is a legitimate complaint and what isn't? 
'You don't normally have men complaining about this kind of thing. These are very unique cases.'
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