Big Dick Daddy

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Big Dick Daddy
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A bollard that kind of looks like a big dick? Photo: VICE
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This article originally appeared on VICE UK .
Everyone is currently talking about "big dick energy." Ariana Grande quite possibly tweeted about Pete Davidson having a ten-inch dick, someone else said he had "big dick energy," and now it’s a thing. These are the times we live in. But what, really, is it?
For someone reading the words for the first time, it may seem confusing. But understanding BDE is actually very simple and intuitive.
Big dick energy is not mere confidence—though, a true big dick energy-haver is usually quietly confident—nor is it overcompensating. It's a self-assurance that radiates from deep within and can be felt for miles. It's an energy that immediately shifts the dynamic of a room. It is not actively seeking out debauchery or pleasure, but having it gravitate toward you. Big dick energy, as the best sexter I know put it to me last night, is inadvertently seeing yourself in the front-facing camera on your phone and not immediately wanting to die.
Crucially, the dick itself is completely meaningless to big dick energy. It's absolutely nothing to do with dicks or their size. People with big dicks can often be totally devoid of big dick energy (in fact, the owner of the Biggest Dick I've Ever Seen™ has less big dick energy than my dead grandmother, RIP). Conversely, I have slept with people without dicks who have more big dick energy than a million sad boys with "I Should Live in Salt" as their Tinder profile songs put together. Big dick energy does not care for your pathetic gender binary and will not pander to it.
Many names have been thrown around in an attempt to qualify BDE: Crash Bandicoot (true); Damon Albarn (extremely false); Waluigi (false, but he does fuck). It's carnage. Nobody knows what’s going on, and it is clear we need a taxonomy of big dick energy.
Fortunately, I am a tireless big dick energy campaigner who lives to serve. So without further ado, let us identify the big dick energy havers and havers-not.
'Avengers: Infinity War'/ Marvel Studios
Every single character from the MCU, except for the sexy villain in Ant Man who I really want to fuck.
I know you're all thinking it: Captain America fucks . Iron Man has big dick energy . And, on paper, it makes sense. They are large boys. They are handsome boys. They take part in extended fight scenes in which they throw themselves and others around with a high level of enthusiasm.
Unfortunately, none of these people have big dick energy because all traditional forms of hyper-masculinity and bravado belie an underlying sense of insecurity that is inherently antithetic to BDE. Chris Hemsworth wielding a ludicrously big hammer with arms the size of cows and yelling a lot? Feeble big dick energy. Cate Blanchett simply standing there smirking, but, like, only using her eyes somehow? Powerful, powerful big dick energy.
In the pub the other day, I tried to explain to a group of straight men exactly who is and isn’t "daddy," and all they could do was list reams and reams of men with a classic case of the good looks. Ronaldo. Brad Pitt. George Clooney. David Beckham. Men who have done campaigns for underwear and appeared on the cover of GQ alongside words like "Swagger" and "King."
Not only are these men definitively not daddy, they also do not have big dick energy. They are too smooth. They are too clean. They do not possess the swirling fuck chaos of the real big dick energy-haver. They look like they smell of Davidoff Cool Water. Nobody with big dick energy would ever smell like Davidoff Cool Water.
Incredibly beautiful Hollywood stars who attempt to appear quirky, but are stage-managed to within an inch of their lives
Indulging in medium to large behavior at awards ceremonies may, to the untrained eye, appear to be something that someone with big dick energy might do. Pranks. Jokes. Stupid answers to serious interview questions. Failing to treat the confines of the entertainment industry with the respect expected of a Hollywood star. Again, on paper: big dick behavior.
Sadly, Jennifer Lawrence, pretending you really love pizza and falling up some stairs does not a big dick energy make.
Wrestlers? Unhinged. Ludicrous. Big dick energy all over the shop. Anyone who watches wrestling and then tweets about it as if they too possess this power? They have no energy whatsoever; they are devoid of dick.
Any member of the Conservative Party
In fact, I think we can just go ahead and confirm that zero politicians have big dick energy.
The Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes
Look, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry to have to do this. But the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes absolutely has big dick energy, and there is nothing you can say to me to change my mind.
If we’re defining big dick energy as essentially a chaotic whirlwind of fuck-energy—which we are—then Taz is fucking nailing it. He literally moves from place to place via a tornado of his own making. He destroys rocks and walls by ploughing straight through them . Yes, he has that weird slobbery laugh that somehow evokes a man who’s never gone down on a woman before, but still you cannot deny his big dick power.
Photo courtesy of Allstar Picture Library/Alamy Stock Photo
Lindsay Lohan looking Oprah in the eye and saying she "only did cocaine ten to 15 times:" big, big dick energy. Lindsay Lohan writing "fuck you" on her nails in court? Bigger, bigger dick energy. Lindsay Lohan calling Paris Hilton a cunt to paparazzi and then *immediately* denying she ever said it? HUGE. BULGING. DICK ENERGY.
Bob Ross does not have the fierce magnetism of many big dick energy havers. But you cannot deny that the man has a gentle confidence that speaks to the largest kind of dick.
That voice! The way he pats the brush on the palette to make sure the paint is evenly distributed throughout the bristles! Bob Ross's big dick energy is tender and rare and precious. It is the ideological inverse of short man syndrome. It doesn't assert or draw attention to itself, it simply: is.
Various video game women, including Bella Goth from The Sims and Carmen Sandiego from Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego
Early prototypes of the "big-titty goth girlfriend" category, every single member of which has big dick energy.
Big dick energy, though largely objective, does have subjective elements. For one of my friends—a woman far more adult than me—big dick energy is "someone who can confidently draw a map on the back of a napkin." I, on the other hand, do not care about either napkins or maps, and the biggest, daddiest dick-haver could not touch me with even the most exquisitely drawn directions. It's why Citymapper exists, idiot. Another friend (male, bisexual), says that—for him—big dick energy is personified by someone "quiet" who would "still happily and enjoyably turn my spine into pâté"— life’s rich tapestry.
So it may say speak to my own personal taste in men, rather than a universal principle, that Oscar the Grouch, a creature who lives in a garbage bin, exudes big dick energy. Is this why my type seems to be "people who change their sheets once every two months?" Who could say? Other than me, the person who keeps doing it.
Rihanna has the biggest dick in the world. Goodbye.
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Jezebel's Crush of the Week: Jennette McCurdy
Chanté Adams Did 'as Much Research as Possible' for 'A League of Their Own'
Jezebel's Crush of the Week: Jennette McCurdy
Chanté Adams Did 'as Much Research as Possible' for 'A League of Their Own'
We're not size queens or anything but the HBO comedy Hung —about a man (Thomas Jane) with a large penis—premieres in June, and it got us thinking about big penises, the ultimate status symbol for men*. After the jump, a list of famous ones.
1.) Rasputin** The Russian mystic's disembodied penis is on display at the Russian museum of erotica in Saint Petersburg, in a tall jar, measuring 11 inches—flaccid.
2.) Liam Neeson In her autobiography No Lifeguard on Duty , Janice Dickinson wrote of her ex-boyfriend Liam Neeson, saying he had "the biggest penis of any man alive. He unzipped his pants and an Evian bottle fell out."
3.) Jay-Z Accounts from several different groupies say that Jigga is well endowed, "The biggest dick you will ever see in your life, but boring. Huge. Like a one-liter Pepsi bottle. What do you call those things? The 20-ounce bottle. It's beyond huge. It could block the sun."
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4.) John Holmes Even though he had one of the most celebrated dicks in porn history, due to its size, there's no real documentation of his measurement. His manager claimed he was 13.5 inches, but Holmes' first wife said he measured it in front of her, before he started doing adult films, and it was 10 inches.
5.) Vincent Gallo Have you ever seen Brown Bunny ? (Link NSFW)
This rumor about how large his dick was has been around for a while, and at his Friars Club memorial in 2002, his friends joked about his size.
7.) Wilt Chamberlain His nickname was "Big Dipper." He claims to have gotten a lot of use out of it.
8.) Tommy Lee Thanks to the sex tape with then-wife Pamela Anderson, everyone has seen Tommy's peen . It's guesstimated to be about 8 inches, erect. (Link NSFW)
9.) Frank Sinatra Ava Gardner once said of her ex-husband, "He only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock."
10.) Alexis Arquette Some years before her sex reassignment surgery, Alexis had a lot of taping to do. (Link NSFW)
10.) President Johnson "He was a lifelong exhibitionist who in college had dubbed his penis ‘ Jumbo .'"
11.) Errol Flynn He was notorious for his cock, which he once used to play the piano . A classical pianist!
12.) James Woods That's the rumor, anyway, but we don't really care to find out definitively.
13.) Colin Farrell It looks like a baby's arm . (Link NSFW)
Glamor model Jordan aka Katie Price says that her husband's penis is the size of a large television remote control.
15.) Anthony Keides The girls on Metal Sludge —a site where groupies compare notes on the rock stars they've fucked—say the Red Hot Chili Peppers front man is a "very large" penis that is "beyond gorgeous."
16.) Tony Kanal The girls on Metal Sludge also say that the No Doubt bassist—who is Gwen Stefani's ex—measures about 10 inches.
17.) Tony Danza He's uncut and long. (Link NSFW)
18.) Ray J Don't all guys with sex tapes that "leak" have big dicks? (Link NSFW)
19.) Dan Rather The report on Rather is that "he is as hung as he is handsome and intelligent."
20.) Simon Rex It's no wonder why he used to do porno.
*It is the personal opinion of the writer that big penises hurt. **This list is not compiled by size order.

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Big Dick Pussy is a short, voyeuristic look at the street where the filmmaker lived at the time of the filming; the focus is on neighborhood pre-teens and teenagers playing football in the street.

Visually, the piece is largely obscured; the viewer is situated as a hidden observer and can see only bits and pieces of what's going on out in the street. The audio of the piece is clear, though – for three minutes, the film taps into the interaction between kids left to their own devices. It's unadulterated and uncensored, and the language is almost comically coarse.

On the surface it's a mere documentation of foul-mouthed kids fending for themselves, but underneath there's also a level upon which we see evidence of a social order that exists among them. A small number of older teens are clearly in charge and have their own way of “coaching” their younger peers (“Don't play back because then they're gonna pass short, ya dick!”). The younger kids emulate the older as best they can.

The hands-off approach – the kids at no point realize they're being watched – lends realism as they're not putting on airs for the camera or for adults (only for one another). The experience of being an unseen observer from within a building ends up a secondary focus, on top of the central subject.

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"My ex and I were having sex, missionary. I went to shift the angle of my hips at the exact moment he broke rhythm and give me a surprise, extra hard and fast thrust. This completely destroyed my perineum. I lived with my grandma at the time, and I couldn't get the tear to stop bleeding. We were freaking out, so I went into the living room, holding the bloody towel over my crotch, and asked grandma what to do . She was more concerned that I had stained one of the good hands towels."
"My friend was hooking up with a guy who was so big that while she was blowing him, she literally threw up every drink she had had that night on him . It also triggered a chain reaction, and they both spent the rest of the night in the bathroom."
"Years ago I met up with a guy in an empty cornfield. His dick was almost 9 inches and thick. Neither of us had condoms or lube, so we foolishly just used spit. A few minutes later, he finished and pulled out. That's when I noticed the bloody, shitty jizz that was dripping off his dick and down my legs . We didn't bring anything to clean up with, so we used my underwear. He thanked me and took off. I went to Walmart a few blocks away, bought new shorts and underwear, and changed in the restroom. When I got home, my mom complimented me on my new shorts."
"I hooked up with a guy who had the most enormous penis I'd ever seen. Rather than chickening out, I grabbed the lube and attempted to make it fit. I have dyspareunia, a condition that makes sex very painful, and his dick ended up ripping the lower part of my vagina, à la giving-birth-style. I had to have an episiotomy, which meant stitches from my vagina to my ass ."
"I dislocated my jaw trying to give a blow job once."
“I met up with a guy from Grindr, and he had the biggest penis I’d ever seen. He took his dick out of my ass because it was hurting me too much, and he said, ‘Damn, you made a mess.’ I saw what looked like a gallon of beef stew, and the smell soon followed. He started puking all down my back, and it ran into my hair, eyes, his bed, and the floor . His sister knocked on the door to see what was going on. He ran into the bathroom while I, still covered in poop and puke, tried to put on my clothes. It was impossible to leave with any dignity.”
"I was dating a guy with a very long, very girthy penis. I was too scared to have penetrative sex with him, so we always stuck to oral. One night, I was going down on him and decided I wanted to try to deep-throat. His penis jerked and I got scared and bit him really hard. His dick started bleeding and he got really freaked out and made me bring him to the hospital . Everything turned out fine. The doctor just bandaged it and gave him some antibiotics, but we stopped dating soon after."
"I was really horny so I drove 45 minutes to my ex's house to have sex. The next morning I realized I never took out my tampon . His penis was so big that it pushed the tampon up too far, and I couldn't get it out. After 30 minutes I gave up and called the guy, asking for a favor. I went to his work, locked the door, pulled out some medical gloves and a towel, and spread my legs on his desk so he could pull out the tampon. He fished around for 15 minutes and finally got it out."
"I was with my crush, and we thought we were home alone. His dick was giant, but I was being a trouper. Just as we were finishing the deed, his dad arrived and started a conversation with my parents in the next room. They called for us to come out, so we scrambled to look presentable and not guilty, only to realize that there was a bloody handprint on his shirt and my face ."
"I went on a few dates with a guy in college. We knew that neither of us liked to bottom, so I proposed a bet of whoever had the bigger penis got to top. I was obviously pretty cocky and sure that I would win. I was speechless when he pulled out a throbbing Pringles can . Never one to back out of a bet, I powered through, and it was incredibly unpleasant. I was late to class the next day because it took me an extra long time to walk up the stairs."
"The first guy I ever gave a blow job to was huge, both in length and in girth. I had braces at the time and was hesitant, but he assured me it would be OK. We took it slowly, but he ended up with two bloody lines down his penis where some inside wires were protruding. To this day, I still wonder if he has the scars."
"I occasionally get lockjaw. One time I was giving my boyfriend a blow job – he's quite big and girthy – and my jaw started to hurt. I thought, fuck it , and kept going, which was a big mistake. It got to the point where I couldn’t open my mouth wide enough to get his dick out , so I had to pry my mouth open with my fingers. Whoops."
"I was a senior in high school, and the popular, hot guy on my bus asked me to his house. As soon as his pants came off, my eyes widened. I asked him how big he was... 12 inches. I was all in, though! I gave him a few hours of mind-blowing sex. After it was over, I experienced my first walk of shame through my ENTIRE neighborhood and could literally barely walk. I had to pretend I started my period early because of it, and I bled for almost three days . Totally worth it, though."
"I was hooking up with my crush in my car. It was dark outside, so I couldn’t see how HUGE his dong was. He started putting it in, and I swear it felt like he was trying to shove a fist in there. A few minutes later I looked down and saw something on his white shirt. He turned the overhead light on and saw his shirt was covered in blood . There was also a huge, bloody handprint on the back of the driver's seat. He gasped and ran out of the car and I drove to the nearest gas station and scrubbed the seats like crazy. My vagina was sore for days."
"I invited a guy over for a blow job. He whipped it out, and that man was packing what I was craving: thicker than the circumference of my wrist and at least eight inches! I was doing the deed, and he began face-fucking me. He pulled his cock out of my mouth, and it was covered in my blood . He literally destroyed my throat! But I ain't no bitch."
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.

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