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Andrew Daniels
Andrew Daniels is the Senior Editor for Popular Mechanics.
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Believe it or not, there are downsides to packing a python.
There was Willie Jordan, flanked by a dozen friends and a few curious strangers in the back corner of a dimly lit pub.
“Get it out, get it out!” the rowdy spectators screamed. “Not here, not tonight,” Jordan answered. He liked this bar, and he didn’t want to get banned for performing his party trick.
Nonsense, they said, as they formed an ironclad circle around Jordan to protect him. He had found himself in this situation so many times before, and he knew when it was time to admit defeat.
So Jordan took a breath, carefully unbuttoned his pants, and pulled out his penis.
The audience erupted, delighted to catch a front-row glimpse of the biggest penis in Newcastle. It was a legendary penis in the North East England town, and its owner had become a quasi-celebrity because of it.
In his 20s, Jordan ate up the attention, showing off his super-sized schlong to whoever wanted to see it—and as rumors spread, his crowds ballooned.
“I understand human curiosity,” he says. “If I had a friend who had six or seven fingers on each hand, or two heads, I’d be curious to see them, too.”
But Jordan was now pushing 40, and the novelty of being a carnival attraction had long worn off. Desperate to get on with the night, he instinctively swung his big penis around like a piece of rope—the usual act—and stuffed it back into his briefs. The show was over.
Or so he thought. One inebriated fan—the same man who had repeatedly asked Jordan to sleep with his girlfriend that evening—demanded an encore, asking the performer to “just let it hang.” Fine, Jordan thought. Whatever will shut him up.
But as soon as he brought his prized possession back out, the groupie grabbed it. “He literally tried to pull it off my body,” says Jordan. “Maybe he was on drugs, trying to drag a man’s penis off like that.”
Jordan fell down and sprinted home. Within 10 minutes, his whole shaft—base to tip—was black and bruised, as if it had been through battle.
Flabbergasted, Jordan flocked to Facebook to post about his crazy encounter. Ten thousand miles across the Atlantic, his friend Jonah Falcon —himself the owner of an abnormally big penis, reportedly the biggest in the world—was the first to comment.
“You’re not trying to catch up to me, are you?”
Sometimes you’re left scrambling for the bar exit after a drunken stranger has seized your dick, and other times, you rupture a cyst on your girlfriend’s ovary during intercourse. That’s what happened to Todd—who requested anonymity for this story—back in high school, the first of many sexual mishaps caused by his big penis.
“She was doubled over in pain after we finished,” says Todd, 36. “Looking back, I don’t know how we avoided the emergency room.”
The repercussions of packing a python aren’t always so severe, but they’re endless. “When I tell people that, they kind of laugh,” Jordan says, “as if I don’t have a right to say it.”
You might roll your eyes, too, but Jordan, Falcon, and Todd do have “problematically large” penises, according to Brian Steixner, M.D., Medical Director of Urology at Barton Health . Per data in the Journal of Sexual Medicine , the average flaccid penis is somewhere between 3.5 to 4 inches, while the average erection falls in the 4.5- to 6.5-inch range.
“From what I can determine, if your penis is larger than 8 inches in length when erect, it puts you in the top 2 percent of people in the world,” Dr. Steixner says.
"In my 20s, I was like a kid in a candy store."
Todd measures 10 inches erect, Jordan one-ups him by about an inch, and Falcon boasts a whopping 13.5 inches at full mast. The 44-year-old New Yorker doesn’t officially own the world record, but that’s because there isn’t one.
Falcon’s big penis has been documented on HBO, in Rolling Stone , and on The Howard Stern Show , and he has pledged to donate his massive member to the Icelandic Phallological Museum when he dies.
Being famous for having a big penis sounds pretty great, and to be fair, all of the guys we interviewed for this story have used their good fortune to their sexual advantage. Falcon, for example, became a fixture in the horny NYC underground club scene thanks to his hog.
“If a guy could have sex with almost anyone he wanted to,” Falcon says, “he most certainly would. In my 20s, I was like a kid in a candy store.”
But eventually, the burdens start to overshadow the blessing.
“When guys tell me they wish they had my penis, they look up to me from a sexual, alpha-male point of view,” says Jordan. “But what percentage of your life do you spend actually using your penis for sex? Compare that number to how much you have to carry the burdens of it around, and the sexual ratio is quite the minority.”
Take something as simple as riding a bike. “It’s a nightmare,” Jordan says. “Where do I put my penis when I’m on a bike seat? I have to keep my legs closed, but they’re constantly rubbing. I end up just sitting on the thing. If I want to go for a nice ride in the country, the pain distracts from the euphoria of the journey itself.”
Using the restroom is an equally dicey proposition. “In a public urinal, if I’m not careful, my penis will hang down and touch the edge of the urinal—or the water,” Todd says. “Unfortunately, I’m a germaphobe.” (To avoid the same issue, Falcon has resigned to a life of peeing sitting down.)
Then there’s the condom conundrum. “I use the largest size possible—around 7.5 inches—and it only covers half my cock,” says Falcon.
When you constantly have to keep one hand on your rubber to make sure it doesn’t slip off during sex, as Todd does, it sucks some fun out of the process. “Even then, a lot of times the condoms end up either breaking or slipping inside of her when it’s all said and done,” he says.
As for other roadblocks in the bedroom, oral sex is often a nuisance. “My penis is thicker than my wrist, so girls have to adjust to the girth,” Falcon says. “But I’ve met very few people who can handle the width—and as a result, there’s a lot of teeth scraping. So I don’t really get off on getting sucked.”
Sometimes the trickiest part of sex is addressing the elephant in the room.
“Telling a woman about your penis size is just awkward in itself,” says Jordan. “A girl doesn’t want to feel like she has to have sex any differently with you. She wants to go with the flow, and not have to stop and slow things down if she’s in pain.”
For Jordan, the threat of these clumsy conversations looms heavy in his head. “It’s a shame when you’ve got a really intimate mental connection with someone and you feel like, ‘Do I want to tell this person, or just let it happen? It’s gotten to the point now where I avoid it.”
Recently, Jordan has instituted a 3-month, no-sex rule. “I’ll tell girls that I want to wait quite a few months before we do it.” His mission: to weed out the women who are interested in him primarily for his penis.
“I feel like I’ve been used for my penis in the past,” he says, “and now I just want to find my soul mate. I want a chick who wants to be with me for the right reasons.”
While Jordan is looking for love, the newly unemployed Falcon is looking for work—but his manhood is getting in the way.
Falcon is a budding actor who wades through desk jobs to pay the bills. He isn’t optimistic about his current search.
“Notoriety has robbed me of work,” he says. “When employers do a background check on me, they see that I’m famous for having a huge penis—and for whatever reason, that means I can’t do the job.”
Such discrimination shouldn’t happen, says Falcon, but it does. “I don’t get hired for one of two reasons: Either people are going to find out about my penis and hound me at work, or I’m going to walk around wearing bike shorts and hit on all the women there. But no one ever tells me that stuff when they don’t hire me, because then I could sue them.”
"I'm an actor, and I want to do real stuff. If I do porn, that's the end."
You’re probably thinking that an actor with a boner the size of a wine bottle could easily make a killing doing porn. Falcon has certainly been approached by producers, but he has rebuffed their offers every time.
“I’m an actor, and I want to do real stuff,” he insists. “If I do porn, that’s the end. I’ll never get another job besides porn . And men are just dildos as far as porn companies are concerned. How many rich male porn stars do you know aside from Ron Jeremy?”
Falcon’s job stress comes with side effects. “I’m always looking for steady work, so I don’t have the energy to find someone to be with,” he says.
“And when you’re constantly concerned about finding money and not being homeless, that tends to make you stressed out all the time. I’m not able to get it up for anybody.”
Many of Falcon’s life problems seem to trace back to those 13.5 inches. Which ultimately begs the question: Does he wish he was smaller?
“No,” he answers emphatically. “Would things be different if I had a 4-inch cock? I think so. I’d probably get more work, and I think I would’ve accomplished a lot more with my life. But I don’t like to be anything other than me.”
Todd, despite a long sexual history of “inserting my penis and feeling like I just killed somebody,” wouldn’t shrink down either.
“When I’m with a girl and pull down my pants, and then I see the look on her face, it’s a huge confidence builder in every regard,” says Todd.
And what about Jordan, the poor victim of an unfortunate sneak penis attack?
“If I had a graph that showed how many people on Earth would give anything to have my penis, for that reason alone, I should appreciate everything I have,” he says.
Call it pecker perspective. “It comes back to human nature. We have this great ability to adapt to our surroundings. Riding a bike is uncomfortable as hell, but I found the way to ride differently than anybody else. I’ve adapted.”
Including one big tweak to his behavior at the bar.
“Now I don’t pull out my penis for a crowd anymore.”
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"He was a big penis with a big penis."
I dated a dude who was packing a footlong. T he sex was uncomfortable, at best, and he refused to go down on me. I dumped him after a year of making up excuses to not have sex. The crazy part was that he had no clue that he was big — every time we talked about his size, he couldn't believe he was anything more than average.
As a gay lady, I haven’t seen many penises since I lost my virginity at 17. But my first experience with someone of the opposite sex was with a guy who, to date, has the biggest penis I have ever seen. We were camping with a large group, tents and horses, down by the Suwannee River in Florida. My high school boyfriend and I retired early to my tent where we commenced a hot and heavy petting session. After attaining my permission, he whipped out a very long, rock-solid, and extremely girthy penis.
We spent the next 10 minutes simply working on getting the tip in. It was exhausting and painful, but he was determined and I was battling “I don’t want to be gay” syndrome so I was patient, despite the agony of having my lady bits spread beyond their expectations. It didn’t take long once he was finally in, much to my relief. But sometimes when I dredge up this memory I can still feel the force of that massive appendage pressing its way into tender flesh. I won’t say the experience turned me off men completely — I think that was already a done deal — but it definitely made me appreciate the wonders of lube.
A little while ago I was pretty much IN LOVE with this guy that appeared on my favorite reality TV show. I was a fan and would watch his Instagram live every chance I got. One day he noticed me from a comment I made and sent me a DM. We exchanged numbers and ended up developing a long-distance relationship, and he sent me a dick pic that pretty much made me choke on my coffee. I thought he'd be average size judging by his height but he was PACKING. I was sure he'd break me in half. Unfortunately we broke things off before I was set to fly to see him for a weekend. That was the dick that got away.
I was grabbing drinks with my best mate and he brought along a buddy. We had to use the restroom around the same time, and long story short it was big enough that he had to use two hands to pee. I wasn't even jealous at that point, just afraid.
I met a guy on Tinder, and after one of our dates we ended up back at his place. I honestly went in trying to resist, but I couldn’t help myself and clothes went flying. My go-to move is to hang my head off the edge of the bed and undo their pants while they stand over me before I give them head. When I pulled his boxers down his dick hit my forehead and I fucking almost choked on the thought of that thing in my throat. I don’t think I got more than an inch of that sucker in my mouth, and the sex was almost unenjoyable. ALMOST, because the girth on that log cock was nuts. Needless to say, sometimes when I’m feeling brave, I’ll hit him up.
When I was in school there was this guy that tried to get with me for months. He kept telling me "my dick is the size of a keyboard" and I continuously ignored him. Eventually I changed my mind I guess and I was in his bedroom and when he pulled it out, my first thought was "Oh my god, it really is the size of a child's toy keyboard." I was ready to take on the challenge but quickly realized it was too big for me. He could barely get the tip in without me whining about it hurting and it basically slipping out. One time it slipped out and in between my thighs, I just squeezed my thighs super, super tight and let him fuck that thinking that was my vagina 'cause there was no way his dick was fitting in me.
Ex-boyfriend was around 11 inches. He was a giant penis, so I guess it stood to reason he had one too.
It was my sophomore year of college and I was a virgin. This guy in one of my classes and I had been flirting and one night he invited me over. Of course at the time when I first saw it I thought it was regular because I hadn’t seen many penises before, but I could barely get my mouth around it. When he tried to put it in only the tip fit. I was so embarrassed because I thought it was my fault. He was a good sport about it, though. I found out later that he had been doing adult movies on the side to make some extra cash.
I met a dude while I was working at a shoe store. He was embarrassed about his large shoe size, to which I said saucily, “Well, you know what they say about big feet” with a wink. Fast forward. We start dating, and, man, did I find out how appropriate that joke was. Dude was HUGE! It was at least 11 inches. Sex was...difficult. I can remember him saying, “Yeah, guys always want a big dick, but it’s actually really annoying.”
I used to have an FWB situation with this guy and I shit you not, his dick was like a fucking can of Monster energy drink. I'm talking length and girth. The first time I saw it I honest to god gasped out loud. To this day the best sex I've ever had was with him. Sex with him had me feeling so full and it rode that fine and sweet line between pleasure and pain. Now I shed a tear for that glorious dick I lost when he moved across the country.
I hung out on a nude beach in Hawaii for a few months. One guy had the biggest penis on the beach — this huge, footlong, uncircumcised, monstrous-looking dong. He was so proud! He’d strut up and down the beach grinning about it.
My first one-night stand when I was 17. It was dark, I reached out to jerk him off, and thought I’d grabbed his forearm. He was so big he nearly broke me.
My ex's dick was like a baseball bat. Seriously — in length, girth, and shape. I mean, not seriously, but it was AT LEAST 10 inches. It had a larger head than shaft so it felt amaaaazing when he took his time and pulled all the way out and back in. But heaven help me when he got to pounding away, I could feel my cervix wincing.
Ten inches and as thick as my wrist. The problem? He thought his 10 inches was all he needed to bring to the bedroom to make the sex good. He just laid there like the physical incarnation of a yawn. Best sex I ever had? Five inches with a "throw me up against a wall" attitude that did. not. quit.
I went to a tiny Christian university and was dating a boy who grew up very religious. He's 6’5" and has a dick to match. Because we were both religious at the time we were not having penetrative sex. Boys and girls were not allowed in each other’s rooms, so we were always jerking each other off in closets, empty classrooms, and his RA office at night. I had never seen a penis in real life so when we first started messing around I didn’t think too much of the fact that he was at least 10 inches long when hard and that my hand couldn’t fit around the shaft. I just assumed this was normal. After a year and a half of dating we never had penetrating sex. I still wonder sometimes what it would have felt like, and feel a little relieved that the first dick inside of me wasn’t 10 inches long.
I was 18, and the guy I was seeing was this 6'7" football player, and when the time came to get naked, it was so big, I li
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