Bi Fist

Bi Fist

Dr. Jenn Mann is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the relationship expert behind InStyle's long-running weekly column, Hump Day. She is best known for her hit VH1 show, "Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn," and her popular call-in advice Sirius XM radio show, "The Dr. Jenn Show."

Updated on September 25, 2022 @ 04:39PM

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Recently while we were having sex, my girlfriend asked me to fist her. We've used strap-ons, dildos, and of course, our hands — but never fisted, specifically. She is one of my first girlfriends, and I've never actually experienced this before (I haven't done it, and I haven't had it done to me). I know that we're not talking about a literal fist-in-vagina situation here, but still, I'm nervous because I don't know what to do. What should I keep in mind? —Hands Up

How great that your girlfriend feels so comfortable with you that she can share her desires. Fisting seems pretty intense, and plenty of people get nervous about the idea of it, before they even really know what it entails. Part of that comes from a stigma or judgment toward those who enjoy the activity and what it means about their anatomy.

To begin with, it is important to understand that fisting is not a simple one-two punch to the vagina. It is a kink activity that requires some training and skill. For it to be a pleasurable experience for the receiver, there needs to be an abundance of wetness, and a high level of communication. Getting the vaginal muscles relaxed is a necessity for it to be pleasurable.

What, exactly, feels good about accommodating an entire hand inside of your vaginal canal? The people I have spoken with who enjoy it consistently say the same things. They enjoy the feeling of fullness and pressure. Many say that nothing hits the G-spot quite like a nice hand in the canal, and many claim that after trying it once you will think your previous sex life was quite vanilla and boring. So, high five to leaving that in the past.

Let's get down to brass tacks. Here's what you need to know before trying fisting for the first time.

Making sure you have well-groomed hands before fisting is important for both comfort for the receiver, as well as being sanitary. Make sure your nails are short, rounded, and filed.

If you're doing this outside the bounds of a committed relationship, where you're fully tested and aware of each other's STI status, you'd want to make sure you don't have any cuts or abrasions which can be open to others' bodily fluids. To that end, you could even wear latex gloves (the powder-free kind!), or nitrile gloves . If you've got sharp fingernails, you could top them with gauze or cotton inside the gloves to avoid accidentally scratching your partner.

Whether it's your partner's natural wetness or the store-bought kind, moisture is essential for fisting to go well. I'm a fan of silicone lubes, like Swiss Navy or Sliquid Silver , which are both available on Amazon. If you're an organic kind of gal try BabeLube Natural , Sliquid Organics , or some organic coconut oil . Do not use anything with a numbing agent. It is important to be able to feel all the sensations since pain indicates something is wrong and your partner needs to be aware if she is experiencing a problem. (Side note, anyone who has gynecological problems or is experiencing hormonal changes that lead to thinning of the vaginal walls should consult with a doctor before trying fisting.)

Making sure she is very aroused before entry is a make-or-break behavioral requirement for fisting. (See the aforementioned wetness requirement.) This is a time for slow, patient, drawn-out foreplay. The more aroused she is, the more lubricated and, thus, accommodating her body will be to your hand. The uterus even lifts up into the pelvic cavity, leaving more room in the vaginal canal. In addition to the physiological changes that occur during foreplay, the emotional mindset foreplay provides will help her to be open and relaxed enough to take your fist.

Keeping the communication open throughout the entire experience makes it more likely it will be a positive one. Knowing what kind of talk your partner likes — role play , chit-chat, dirty talk , romantic and loving words — can help her to stay turned on and open to the whole experience. Even more importantly, you need to know if she is in pain or something feels wrong. Just like anytime you try a new activity that can be intimidating, you should have a safe word preplanned before you begin.

Start small and build up. Begin with one finger at a time and work up to four. Once you have accomplished this, you will want to move your hand into "duck position," collapsing your knuckles to be as narrow as possible while joining your thumb closely to your pointer finger. This tapered form should help you to ease your hand all the way into her when she is ready. The most difficult part of entrance is getting past your knuckles. Once you are able to do that, the wrist should move in pretty easily. That said, not everyone can take a whole fist. Make sure that if that is the case with your girlfriend, she isn't left feeling like she has failed somehow, and it remains a positive experience between the two of you.

There is a lot you can do to increase her pleasure once your fist is in. Try finding her G-spot . Your palm should be facing her belly side. Try using your fingers to make a come-hither type motion. Some women like to feel the fist gently move back and forth. Others find the sensation of gently clenching and unclenching your fist like a heartbeat to be very pleasurable. Experiment with what feels good, making sure to keep communication open. In addition to moving your fist, stimulating her on the outside with the tongue, finger or a toy can add to the pleasure .

Don't pull your hand out too fast, especially after an orgasm. This is a common rookie mistake. It can be very painful if you pull out too fast after your partner has had an orgasm. Keep in mind that you are not going to be able to pull out your hand while it is still in a fist. You're going to have to go back to duck position to slide out. She may be sore afterward. But just as importantly, keep in mind that this can be an intense emotional experience. Be available for closeness, connection, and holding afterward.

Fisting is not an activity that is a quickie. As you can see, it takes time, patience, and a willingness to tune in to your partner in order to have a great fisting experience. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have the kind of trusting relationship where this could be a positive new addition to your sexual repertoire.

In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.

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Expert advice: 8 steps for first-time fisters

A big part of fisting is intuition and instinct. But there are a few things you can do to make your fisting experiences more enjoyable.

Dolan Wolf is an adult film star, kink educator, instigator and quiet revolutionary. twitter

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The first time I heard about fisting, I thought: No. No, no, no. Never going to happen.
But ten or so years later I was playing with a really, REALLY hot guy, and he really wanted to fist me. I really wanted to give him what he wanted, so I gave it my best shot, but I just wasn’t ready. I decided I never wanted to be in that situation again—so badly wanting to give a sexual partner something they want me to give them, but absolutely unable to.
So I went on a mission to train my ass to take a fist.
If you’ve never been fisted (or fisted someone) before, you might think it’s not for you. Or that you have to be some sort of superhuman or freak to enjoy it. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
It can be (if done right) utterly mind-blowing.
Like all kinds of sex, it’s partly mental and partly physical. Part of what can make kink so attractive is that you’re deviating from what people think of as “appropriate” or “right.” There’s an exotic and erotic power to it. You’re fueled by a desire to push your desire as far as you can. A huge part of it for me—especially in the beginning—was the mind fuck of “I’ve got someone’s fist in my ass!”
A big part of fisting is intuition and instinct. But there are a few things you can do to make your fisting experiences more enjoyable. Here are my best tips on taking care of your ass if you want to try fisting.
You’re going to need lots of lube. Start trying out different brands of lube with a toy to see which ones you like. A lot of people use J-Lube. J-Lube comes as a concentrated powder that you mix with an amount of water that gives you the consistency you want. It can be a bitch to get the recipe right. You can find advice for how best to mix it if you search online. Look here for more info about lubes .
Very few people are going to be able to take a fist without first training their ass. And unless you’ve got a very patient and enthusiastic partner, you’re probably going to need to invest in a suitable toy.
You have two muscles that need to relax in order for you to take anything up your butt: your internal and external anal sphincters. Using a long, tapered toy (that starts small but increases in width the higher it goes up your butt) will help your butt get used to larger sizes.
To train for my first fist I found a plug-shaped toy that I used every other day (if not every day) to stretch my hole. I didn’t go too fast—you want to feel a stretch, but no pain. Once you work your way up to a size that’s similar to someone’s fist, it’s now time to find yourself a top.
If you’re new to fisting as a bottom, you’re probably going to want to find someone who has experience as a fisting top. Your top needs to know that your muscles need to be relaxed before they can proceed. They should play with you before trying to fist you so that you have time to relax. Pick someone you’re comfortable with, and that you trust. You may need to be patient—use the time to keep stretching your hole, it will pay off when you play.
Any sex comes with the possibility of sexually transmitted infections, and fisting is no exception.
The risk of transmitting or getting HIV from fisting is really low since HIV might only be passed between partners if there is an open wound on the fister’s hand. However, fisting rarely happens in isolation from other sex. Often, even if fucking isn’t part of the scene a top will jerk his cock while fisting his partner, so cum or precum can enter the fray. You should still talk about your HIV status with your partner and what precautions are appropriate to prevent HIV transmission.
Other STIs including hepatitis C might be more likely to be passed between partners in blood or anal mucous on the fist. Unlike HIV, hep C is a hardy virus that can hang around for a long time. That’s why you are cautioned not to share toys or lube between partners. If you give your toys a thoroughly good wash you should be good, but never share lube between bottoms. If you are fisting in groups, keep hold of your own lube for your own ass. In these scenarios it can be a real challenge, particularly when lost in passion, to ensure that lube from one person’s ass doesn’t make it up someone else’s. Other STIs like gonorrhea can also be transmitted through ass play because gonorrhea can be spread through touch.
Some people like to fist with gloves, some don’t. They can help increase smoothness around the fingernail but should never be a substitute for well-trimmed and smoothly filed nails. For some, gloves can heighten the erotic thrill, for others they can reduce the feeling of intimacy. If a top has hairy hands gloves can make entry easier, but if they are ill-fitting they’ll be uncomfortable to whoever is wearing them. Gloves can reduce the risk of transmitting STIs, particularly because it is quite normal for people to have minor cuts on their hands. Find more info about wearing gloves for fisting here .
We already talked about how part of the attraction of fisting and other kinds of kink is the ability to push boundaries. People feel compelled to push themselves as far as they can go. But you might want to moderate how far you push yourself—especially when you are first starting out. You don’t want to break your new toy before you have time to enjoy it!
Get consent from your partner and make sure your partner hears your consent. Communication is important—especially if this is the first time for either of you.
How big is too big you ask? Well there are limits. For one, you’re limited by the size of the opening in the bones surrounding your ass (your pubic bones & coccyx). Listen to your body, and pay attention so that you avoid pain.
Some people choose to douche before getting fucked. Others don’t feel the need to. With the amount of muscle movement that fisting involves, even if you don’t go deep, you’re probably going to need to clean out if you don’t want shit showing up.
Some tops are less tolerant about shit showing up during play than others. And most bottoms are far more worried about shit showing up than they actually need to be.
I think most tops understand that if you stick your hand up a person’s ass, there’s a risk of encountering something coming the other way. And some guys are particularly into that.
There are a few reasons why I prefer not to have shit be part of my fisting experience. For one, it’s not particularly comfortable. It’s grittier than lube and can cause more friction. And each to their own but I don’t know how you play in the mud on purpose without it getting everywhere (although I have heard tarpaulin is the answer).
I’ve found that there aren’t really any tricks that will 100% guarantee cleanliness during fisting. That said, one thing I do is to put in a large butt plug about a half hour before fisting. That sort of “speeds up the conveyor belt”—kind of tricking my body into thinking that it’s time to use the toilet. Pushing everything out before you fist, without having to go crazy with the douching, is a strategy that sometimes works for me.
This rule is for both tops and bottoms.
Tops: You want your bottom to be happy and relaxed. Stressing out over your bottom not being clean enough will ruin the experience for both of you.
Bottoms: Don’t worry if you have to take a quick trip to the bathroom to clean up in the middle of things. Clean yourself up with toilet paper or jump in the shower and squirt a little water up your hole to rinse out. I’m inclined to avoid the shower shot. Most people I’ve played with who use it in the middle of play have brown water leaking out of them for maybe an hour of two afterwards and play has to be aborted. A douche bulb’s worth of water is much less risky.
Fisting with people you have chemistry with can be an incredible experience. Take that fist, listen to your body, and go with it!
Douchie brings butt health & happiness out of the closet so you can care for your butt in the way it deserves. Get info about everything from douching to fissures with this series on all things anal. Visit sfaf.org/butthealth .
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Does one finger feel good? All fingers might feel even better.
Also known as hand sex, handballing, vaginal punching, fist f*cking, and all-finger fingering, vaginal fisting is basically extreme fingering.
And for some people, it feels fantastic. Like, really, really, really fantastic.
“Vaginal fisting is the act of vaginally penetrating someone with your entire hand,” explains Lisa Finn, a sex educator at sex toy mecca Babeland .
But don’t be fooled: While it’s called fisting (and sometimes punching), the “fist” in question is actually more of a duck beak.
“Your hand doesn’t look like it’s punching something when it’s going inside the vagina,” she says. “All the fingers are straight and grouped as close together as possible.”
We never hear about fisting in movies. We definitely never le
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