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Published May 22, 2012 12:00AM (EDT)

Related Topics ------------------------------------------
Bisexuality
Infidelity
Marriage
Since You Asked

Recently my husband of 18 years has explored his sexuality with other men. He admitted having four sexual encounters with random men he solicited from Craigslist. After a week of hell, and many a shouting match, he begged me to take him back, claiming that his experimentation is not worth losing his family. As in a textbook scenario, he, somehow, convinced himself that I, being very liberal and supportive of gay community, would understand, and maybe even approve, his urges. Having two teenage daughters and being a stay-at-home mom, I have initially agreed to let him back into the family fold, after all his STD tests came back clean.
I have immediately lined up a therapist, not being able to go through the crisis by myself. I have consulted the divorce lawyer as well, but decided that I simply cannot afford to leave him before I can secure some sort of support system, income, job, anything that would assure my landing on solid ground. Now, being middle-aged and with thin résumé, getting a job will be difficult in this economy, and I am more and more inclined to pursue separation, since staying in the marriage is not really emotionally healthy for me. I do give it a try every day, and every day is an effort, but, although he did give up his "encounters," he still maintains virtual presence in the gay community through porn and his private Flickr account(s). Although not a deal breaker, his Internet activity makes me conclude that he is not willing to make an effort toward the true reconciliation of our relationship, and that his real orientation is something he will not be able to deny for much longer. I do realize that his orientation is not a choice, but his behavior is.
My priority is our girls, who are, hopefully, oblivious to the extent of our marital crisis, but I am asking myself lately if it is time to let him go, and hope for the best for all four of us? I do not want to hurt the girls, but I do not want to carry on with this agony for much longer either. This past couple of months have been hardest in my life, just watching everything I ever believed in crumble apart. My self-esteem is still pretty high, but self-pity creeps in every now and then, hurting my ability to think straight. I want out; the question is do I wait until the girls are off to college (another couple of years), or do I seek an exit now.
You need concrete help. For that, you have wisely chosen a therapist and a lawyer.
What I can do is help you form a narrative or map.
Because you are human you will seek meaning in what happened. We seek meaning in misfortune whether we get cancer or have an accident or are bombed out of our houses by unseen jets. It helps. It helps to make a story out of what happens.
Your story will be something like this. You fell in love and got married and had two beautiful children and had always thought there might be unexplored territory between you and your husband. But you did not go there. You may have learned a way of relating that, though intimate, allowed for certain unexplored regions. You may have termed this privacy, or given it some meaning. But you sensed that your husband was not completely transparent to you, that he had secrets or evasions. Having no clear guidelines, you let these areas, and perhaps these doubts, go unexplored. You didn't press the issue. You made small incremental decisions that maintained the relationship and the family.
It may be that at the first you wondered if this was the way it was supposed to be. You may have talked to your friends about it, subtly suggesting that things were "good" but not "great," that you wondered sometimes ...
Maybe. Maybe not. I think it likely, if you are honest, that you had vague suspicions.
At any rate, now it has become clear that your husband has been hiding a great deal from you. So you are incensed, enraged, hurt, betrayed. You've had a terrible shock. Gone are the bedrock vows and beliefs on which your marriage rested. You are now in the sticky muck of uncertainty. It is hard to walk now; everything is harder.
For a while it's going to be one day at a time, slogging through, some days better than others. You will have to decide if you can continue living with him and for how long, and under what circumstances, and for those decisions, you have help through a lawyer and a therapist. One way or another you will arrive in a future that was not the future you imagined.
What do I see for you in the future? I see a wiser woman; I see a woman who finds new strength in herself to protect her daughters and make a new life. I see a woman who now knows you never really know, who learns that when disaster happens you're capable of more than you realized. And maybe there will be some new rules in this story -- rules about hunches and doubts, a rule that says if something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
We are educated to be sensible and quasi-scientific in our decisions. In the conscious realm we operate on what we can see and hear. But in the unconscious realm, the animal realm, the realm of hunches and doubts, we need to listen more carefully to unformed notions we don't fully understand and yet which persist, in their way, in their language of symbols and doubts and strange coincidence.
I wish to leave you with this: You are not alone. This has happened before. You have strength and support to call on. You can get through this and be stronger and wiser. You have help. You have people who love you and are on your side. You are going to be OK.
Copyright © 2022 Salon.com, LLC. Reproduction of material from any Salon pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. SALON ® is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office as a trademark of Salon.com, LLC. Associated Press articles: Copyright © 2016 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

I kept waiting, expecting it to happen at the exact right moment. In the end, maybe it did happen at the right moment...but it was so different than what I had always imagined.

I expected to be with a guy. I expected to live a heterosexual life because that's what would work. It would work for my family's sake, for my public image, for my religion, for so many things.

Nadine entered my life in an unmiraculous way, but later I would consider this event as life-changing and a miracle by definition. Her name literally means hope. I didn't know this. I didn't know God's plans either, but I knew he was concocting something. I always knew that much.

I can't say her yoga pants, adorable laugh, and kind personality didn't attract me instantly. The thought actually crossed my mind that she might be the most beautiful woman I'd ever met. Not just for her outer appearance - which was beautiful, but flawed like the rest of us - but for her mind and her heart, which she made evidently transparent.

Her humility shocked me. Her intelligence and self-confidence drew me in. When she sat next to me, after my friends introduced us and they sat nearby, I could not stop glancing her way. It was like I was trying to capture a mental picture.

I dreamt about her that night. Dreampt about her long dark hair. Dreampt about her gentleness. The effect she had on me was frightening.

I had a plan. But one night of meeting her had changed everything.

It wasn't that I was never attracted to women. I was, in fact. This wasn't new. What was new was her . I was fine with being with a man. I expected it.

Yet, Nadine saught me out when I ran in the opposite direction. We encountered moments of sheer mystery, where God or the universe shoved us together in the same space. I couldn't ignore her.

In my dream, my brain couldn't conjure her face, like my dream self was refusing to look her in the eye. But in reality, when we grew closer and spent one evening in the back of her parent's van, I saw her face.

I saw her dark eyelashes flutter against her cheeks shyly as I felt her fingers touch my arm. In that moment, nothing mattered. No rules, no doubts, no other people in the world mattered.

She inched closer. I remained as still and silent as a fearful mouse. My heart thudded in my chest and yet, I could hardly breathe.

The hand on my arm moved to my face and she leaned in. It was remarkable - the feeling of her lips on mine. Her hair tumbled over us and tickled my neck. Her hand was hot, overheated. Then she moved on top of me and I was lost to the world. Her university hoodie was in my view - the bold red lettering came closer as I sat up to meet her.

I can't say how long we remained like that. How long we kissed, exploring, lovingly tender with one another, her sitting in my lap with her legs on either side of me.

It doesn't matter how the story ended. What matters is that it happened. She happened. She changed everything.

Inspired by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPVhs8jIZ8s
Heard this song and was instantly inspired. © 3 years ago , Holly  lesbian • bisexual • love • hope • romance
Like ( 2 ) 1 Nicely written Keep writing Clever write Like ( 2 )
I kept waiting, expecting it to happen at the exact right moment. In the end, maybe it did happen at the right moment...but it was so different than what I had always imagined.

I expected to be with a guy. I expected to live a heterosexual life because that's what would work. It would work for my family's sake, for my public image, for my religion, for so many things.

Nadine entered my life in an unmiraculous way, but later I would consider this event as life-changing and a miracle by definition. Her name literally means hope. I didn't know this. I didn't know God's plans either, but I knew he was concocting something. I always knew that much.

I can't say her yoga pants, adorable laugh, and kind personality didn't attract me instantly. The thought actually crossed my mind that she might be the most beautiful woman I'd ever met. Not just for her outer appearance - which was beautiful, but flawed like the rest of us - but for her mind and her heart, which she made evidently transparent.

Her humility shocked me. Her intelligence and self-confidence drew me in. When she sat next to me, after my friends introduced us and they sat nearby, I could not stop glancing her way. It was like I was trying to capture a mental picture.

I dreamt about her that night. Dreampt about her long dark hair. Dreampt about her gentleness. The effect she had on me was frightening.

I had a plan. But one night of meeting her had changed everything.

It wasn't that I was never attracted to women. I was, in fact. This wasn't new. What was new was her . I was fine with being with a man. I expected it.

Yet, Nadine saught me out when I ran in the opposite direction. We encountered moments of sheer mystery, where God or the universe shoved us together in the same space. I couldn't ignore her.

In my dream, my brain couldn't conjure her face, like my dream self was refusing to look her in the eye. But in reality, when we grew closer and spent one evening in the back of her parent's van, I saw her face.

I saw her dark eyelashes flutter against her cheeks shyly as I felt her fingers touch my arm. In that moment, nothing mattered. No rules, no doubts, no other people in the world mattered.

She inched closer. I remained as still and silent as a fearful mouse. My heart thudded in my chest and yet, I could hardly breathe.

The hand on my arm moved to my face and she leaned in. It was remarkable - the feeling of her lips on mine. Her hair tumbled over us and tickled my neck. Her hand was hot, overheated. Then she moved on top of me and I was lost to the world. Her university hoodie was in my view - the bold red lettering came closer as I sat up to meet her.

I can't say how long we remained like that. How long we kissed, exploring, lovingly tender with one another, her sitting in my lap with her legs on either side of me.

It doesn't matter how the story ended. What matters is that it happened. She happened. She changed everything.

Inspired by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPVhs8jIZ8s
Heard this song and was instantly inspired. © 3 years ago , Holly  lesbian • bisexual • love • hope • romance
Like ( 2 ) 1 Nicely written Keep writing Clever write Like ( 2 )
She came out from behind her mother’s skirt, that she was grabbing so tightly. Julia was the most beautiful kid I’d ever seen. Black locks falling down her forehead, half hiding her dark piercing eyes on her angel face. I moved closer and she flinched like a scared rabbit. Her black gaze staring at me, franctically trying to figure me out. Her mother smiled.

-Julia was born deaf. She doesn’t trust anybody. If you want to play with her, you gotta kiss her. If you kiss her she will trust you.

I glanced at the group of kids right behind me. Boys and girls, fascinated by the strange creature, adrenaline pumping, mouth watering picturing the hunt. I was charmed. I motioned my arm toward her to touch her and she ran off. That was it. I jumped to the chase, followed by the others. She was fast. She threw herself down the grass hill, crouching and sliding to move faster. I was right behind her. My hand almost gripping her t-shirt and my fingers clawing into the air. My legs were almost giving out for the effort, I shut my mind and kept running. She will get tired, I was thinking, she will have to regain her breath sooner or later. I am going to catch her. The other kids were running too. I heard the sounds of steps and giggles all around me. It was a game to them. Julia dodged every one of them, at one point she started running back uphill. Damnit. I was already exausted, but she should have been too. It was over, all I had to do was covering that final distance, and all for a kiss. Three or four kids followed me up the hill, I paced up, I wasn’t going to lose to any of them. Maybe it was because my desire was stronger. Desire of what, I couldn’t really say. At that point the adrenaline pumping in my brain was the only drug keeping me going. My heart rose up to my throat, it was beating like a freight train. We reached to the top late. She disappeared somewhere.

While the other kids stood there looking around, breathing hard, I got a glimpse of a lock of black hair, flowing with the wind, behind one of the porch post columns. I had to be careful. My thoughts were focused on the challenge. She didn’t see me coming. I grabbed her by the shoulder, slamming her back on the cement wall and pinned her there. She was trapped, shut her eyes hard. Her chest expanding and retreating under my possessive hand, as I leaned over and touched her lips with mine. Light and gentle as the breeze blowing between our bodies drenched in sweat, but strong enough to send a shiver of pleasure running down my back. I won.

I moved back from her. Surprisingly she was smiling. I had her. We laughed. I turned to the other kids that were looking at us.

"I won !" – I cried out so that no one missed it. –"She is mine, y'all got it ?!"

And we were friends. That was the start.

This was when I met her. The girl that would be haunting my dreams in ten years time. © 6 years ago  love • bisexual • first-kiss
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All my preparations and quivering anticipation was to have ended in bliss, the kind only my father could give me… I was my father’s lover and he was mine. Everything was perfect.
I didn’t cry. It was painful what he did, but I didn’t cry. He said it was ok.
I didn’t cry the second time either. I liked it. He was gentler. He told me it was our secret, our special thing, and no one should know about it.
I went to him the third time it happened, it was raining and the thunders scared me. We did it again, I enjoyed it. We began to do it more often, and each time I enjoyed it more.
I was twelve that first time, and a happy child, happier than any other child I knew. I doubt if any other child had so much love. I was my father’s lover and he was mine. Everything was perfect.
And then, on my twentieth birthday, the unthinkable happened.
My father broke up with me. Just like that. He said it wasn’t right, what we do, and that we must stop. End of matter. It felt like a full stop at the end of an epitaph. It was too sudden.
I had no warning, no premonition. The break up was like death. I had taken the week off from school just to be with the only man in my life, the best man I ever knew, or so I thought. I thought my birthday would have ended sensually, like all the others. It was usually the best birthday present he gives me, a passionate night of love making right out of a romance novel.
It had been a while. My higher education had taken me away. And I sorely missed my beloved father. I went home that day with thoughts of my father obscuring all other thoughts. I arrived late in the evening. He wasn’t home yet. I made myself as adorable as he liked. It was not hard. My allure had never needed much artificial furnishings; a touch here and a touch there, and I would be set to win any beauty contest. That evening I was at my best.
All my preparations and quivering anticipation was to have ended in bliss, the kind only my father could give me.
Instead, I got the shock of my life. That terrible day, I knew exactly how the deer must feel when the hunter’s bullet crashes through its heart. I learnt how it must feel to be shot out of the sky.
I had hoped he didn’t mean it, that this was just another punishment, but the way he said it convinced me it was final. I knew my father; I knew the look on his face. It was the same look he had when he shot Dragon our Alsatian. This was not like before when he would refuse to touch me because I misbehaved. My father had never hit me or scolded me; his punishments were usually more severe and silent. He would simply refuse to touch me for days on end. Such days were hell for me. I could barely survive without him. When he was pleased with me, he really would take his time and give me much pleasure that I never knew was possible.
I was a very well behaved child; I had all the proper manners for a proper lady. Thanks to my father.
But this was no punishment. Th
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