Bi Courious
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Bi Courious
What Does It Mean to Be Bi-curious?
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Brittany is a health and lifestyle writer and former staffer at TODAY on NBC and CBS News. She's also contributed to dozens of magazines.
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If you've heard of someone using the term “bi-curious," it’s completely normal if you’ve found yourself wondering what that term means.
In short, if someone identifies as bi-curious, then they are open to engaging in romantic or sexual relationships with people of varying gender identities. For example, a cisgender woman might be open to dating another cisgender woman, a cisgender man, or someone who is nonbinary.
This article further discusses what the term bi-curious means, how it differs from bisexuality, and what it's like to date as a bi-curious person. It also covers the stigma bi-curious people face and offers ways to provide emotional support to those who identify as bi-curious.
Verywell Mind spoke with Alex S. Keuroghlian, MD, the director of the National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center at The Fenway Institute .
My understanding is that the person is interested in exploring physical, emotional and/or romantic attachments with more than one gender.
He goes on to make an important distinction that “we can’t necessarily know what the person means when they say it.”
According to the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Community Center , considering oneself bi-curious could fall under the Q in the LGBTQIA+ acronym . That's because the "Q" can stand for queer or questioning.
Since someone identifying as bi-curious may be asking some questions of their own, Keuroghlian says the best way to deal with the uncertainty is to clarify the meaning with the person personally.
Some people are a little harsher on the term bi-curious; however, some believe that the "B" in LGBTQIA+ should include those who are bi-curious.
"Some people may take issue with the term bi-curious because they may view it as making light of a more core fundamental sexual orientation identity that bisexual people may have," explains Keuroghlian. "But people may also not take issue with the term bi-curious. It’s important not to make generalizations about what people mean when they use these terms."
There are still professionals who work in academic or medical settings who would consider the term as being distinctly separate from the term bisexual.
"Bi-curious is really just a slang term that some folks use to describe a lack of clarity in understanding their own attraction," says Aron Janssen , MD, Vice Chair, Pritzker Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Health. "Folks will use that term to describe a sense of exploration of sexual identity, which is not the same as bisexual."
Keuroghlian explains that when people refer to themselves as bisexual, it “means that they have physical, emotional and/or romantic attachments to more than one gender.”
That said, the term bi-curious implies more of a sense of exploration. In other words, they're potentially saying that they’re exploring their own thoughts on the subject of sexuality.
“Bi-curious implies more of an exploratory aspect to a person’s experience than the term bisexual might, but there’s going to be a lot of individual variability in that,” says Keuroghlian.
Bi-curious people may find themselves on dates with more than one gender as they're exploring their own feelings. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) even made lots of news headlines when they released a survey in 2010 that revealed that more and more women in early adulthood were experimenting with bisexuality.
The survey found that about 11.5% of women between the ages of 18 and 44 have had at least one experience with another woman in their lifetime. This survey may have had less to say about men since gay and bisexual men are much more likely to face stigma and discrimination.
Unfortunately, as Keuroghlian notes, "anybody who doesn’t identify as straight and cisgender faces stigmas in society." That said, bisexuals are some of the most stigmatized people within the LGBTQIA+ community.
We know that bisexual people experience some of the most stigma within the LGBTQIA+ community, and can experience stigma from both the gay and lesbian communities and the straight communities. I think even expressing that you’re wondering if you’re attracted to more than one gender can lead to experiencing stigma.
If you're from a small town where there aren't many resources for therapists or other professionals you could speak to, reach out to supportive loved ones in your life. That said, here are some tips that will help you find the right therapist if you're in the market.
"I think it's always helpful to have somebody that you can talk to and share your experience with and to do what feels right to you at any given stage in your life," says Keuroghlian. "Your identity exploration—it’s not a race to move toward any particular identity."
If you're looking for a support group or more information, Verywell Mind has compiled an extensive list . There are also some steps that you can take if you're still trying to discern your sexual identity.
If you're wondering how to support someone in your life who is bi-curious, letting them know that you're available if and when they need to talk may be the best bet. Definitely make sure you're not asking pressing questions or rushing them to define things for the sake of your own comfort.
"I would thank the person for sharing that with you and ask how you can support them," says Keuroghlian. "And let them know that you’re always there to talk if that would be helpful."
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Walters, ML, Chen J, Breiding MJ. The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation . National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 2013.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Positive Parenting Practices . Updated August 7, 2018.
Girl’s Best Friend Foundation and Advocates for Youth. Creating Safe Space for GLBTQ Youth: A Toolkit . 2005.
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Jessica Migala has been a health, fitness, and nutrition writer for almost 15 years. She has contributed to more than 40 print and digital publications, including EatingWell, Real Simple, and Runner's World. Jessica had her first editing role at Prevention magazine and, later, Michigan Avenue magazine in Chicago. She currently lives in the suburbs with her husband, two young sons, and beagle. When not reporting, Jessica likes runs, bike rides, and glasses of wine (in moderation, of course). Find her @jlmigala or on LinkedIn.
Bisexuality is a sexual identity most people are at least a little familiar with. But what about the term bi-curious—is this a separate identity as well, or is it part of being bisexual? How do you know if you're bi-curious in the first place? Because the word can be confusing, we asked experts to weigh in and clear up some questions and misconceptions.
Let's say you identify as a heterosexual woman, but you find yourself fantasizing about pursuing a sexual encounter with another woman. Maybe the woman is someone you know or someone you've met very briefly. Either way, the term bi-curious would likely apply to you—whether you have a sexual encounter with that person or not.
"Bi-curious generally means that a person wants to explore sexual activity with a person of a gender identity different than the gender they are usually attracted to," Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist, owner of sexuality education company Velvet Lips, and faculty member at Clayton State University in Georgia, told Health . It could be attraction to a specific person, or the attraction might be to a different gender as a whole.
This attraction might stay in your mind and never turn into a real encounter—or it might make you want to see what it's all about. "You might reflect on your childhood interactions and feelings and realize you didn't get to explore a facet of yourself due to [factors like] social restrictions, religion, [and more]," said Stewart. Ultimately, this "might mean that you are more open-minded than you previously thought, and you might be ready to step into your authenticity," added Stewart.
Being bi-curious also does not set a sexual orientation for you. That will depend on how you eventually feel. If you're a heterosexual man, maybe after some self-reflection and exploration you decide you identify as gay. But you might also call yourself bisexual, heterosexual, or use another sexual identity that speaks more truly to who you are. That's for you to decide.
"The term bi-curious really is designed to help people identify a burgeoning or existing curiosity without really committing to any kind of identity around their sexuality. That's the distinction between being bi-curious and bisexual," Kate Balestrieri, PsyD , licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, PACT-couples therapist, and founder of the mental and sexual health practice Modern Intimacy, told Health . "Bi-curious gives people permission to entertain their arousal and explore how it takes shape without making a commitment."
Furthermore, the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) defines bisexuality as "someone who can be attracted to more than one gender." However, this LGBTQ+ advocacy group said that many adults also use the term bisexual in a broader way, to describe that they have the potential to be romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex or gender. The latter definition allows for more flexibility and fluidity.
If you realize you're bi-curious, it can feel a little scary, acknowledged Balestrieri. "Your likes and arousal can change over time. People often feel like they have to come to some crystalized understanding of their sexuality and that's the pattern they have for the rest of their life," said Balestrieri.
The main thing is that you don't have to rush to figure it out. "You should only act if you have weighed the benefits and consequences and feel that you are ready to step into it," advised Stewart. "Really evaluating your actions and not going into something blindly is the best thing that you could do for yourself."
Those glimmers of attraction to more than one gender or people who are non-binary might represent something that will be more of a constant in your life, but you may or may not be ready to solidify your idea of your sexuality, explained Balestrieri. For more resources on navigating being bi-curious, Stewart recommended visiting bi.org .
A first step, however, might be to check out dating apps for people you might be interested in. If you feel shy or hesitant to point out your intention, it's okay to say that you're bi-curious, exploring, or just aren't sure yet. What's more, you have time to take things slow and get to know someone virtually, taking off the pressure to move forward before you're really ready. You might also know that you're ready; there's no timeline.
It's also worth saying that you may be worried about other people's opinions if bi-curious exploration becomes part of your sexual identity. "You get to define who you are attracted to and love, and no one else's opinion needs to influence your sexuality. That's easier said than done, though," said Balestrieri. Balestrieri also suggested reaching out to others who are sex positive and will support you through this process of investigation.
Finally, the budding discovery of your sexual identity, gender identity, or sexual orientation can be a vulnerable time. You may be susceptible to experiencing abuse, violence, or psychiatric or psychological issues as you navigate your way through how you feel and what you want. You'll also want to be informed of sexually transmitted infections, or STIs—including what they are, how they can be transmitted, and ways to protect yourself (as recommended by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC] ) if you decide to engage in any sexual activity.
"Spend the time thinking about what's emotionally, physically, and sexually safe for you," added Balestrieri. Then, when you're ready, take the steps forward at a pace that feels right.
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8 expert tips for exploring your sexuality.
After years of wondering if I could ever be intimate with another man, I decided to hook up with a dude my freshman year of college. I figured this "bicurious" thing clearly isn't a phase, since I'd been thinking about it for a few years. The only way I could know for sure if I was actually gay or bi was if tested the waters.
So I did. Alas, I got so drunk in order to have the courage to hook up with another man that I ended up puking midway through our encounter. After the experience, I could not tell you if I was gay or bi. Overall, the experience was "meh," like any really sloppy, drunken hookup regardless of gender.
The thing is, I went about hooking up with a guy all wrong. I had expectations about what I should feel, still struggled with internalized homophobia, and didn't realize that sexuality is a spectrum. I think that's why I felt even more confused after hooking up with a guy.
Still, I'm glad I did explore, and it did eventually lead me to embracing my sexuality, though it took another five years. Nevertheless, there were definitely things I could have done to better prepare myself for exploring sexually with other men. Things I learned years after the fact. Now, with the help of two sexuality experts, I'm going to impart what I wish I knew and had done before (and after) hooking up with my first guy.
You don’t need to jump headfirst into penetrative sex with a man. Porn is a great way to explore your desires in a manner that’s accessible and private.
“As a starting point for acting out sexual fantasies, many people turn to pornography because it offers a ‘safe’ way to explore, especially if you’re a little afraid of acting it out or don’t know how to go about it,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller , research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author Tell Me What You Want .
For bicurious men specifically, Lehmiller notes there are plenty of pornos out there which feature bicurious themes. “So that’s probably the easiest starting point for getting a sense of what you do and don’t like,” he says.
"Apps and chat rooms using sexting and video chats are great ways to explore how you feel about engaging sexually with men before jumping into the deep end and scheduling your first hook-up," says Jor-El Caraballo
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