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Published May 22, 2012 12:00AM (EDT)
Related Topics ------------------------------------------
Bisexuality
Infidelity
Marriage
Since You Asked
Recently my husband of 18 years has explored his sexuality with other men. He admitted having four sexual encounters with random men he solicited from Craigslist. After a week of hell, and many a shouting match, he begged me to take him back, claiming that his experimentation is not worth losing his family. As in a textbook scenario, he, somehow, convinced himself that I, being very liberal and supportive of gay community, would understand, and maybe even approve, his urges. Having two teenage daughters and being a stay-at-home mom, I have initially agreed to let him back into the family fold, after all his STD tests came back clean.
I have immediately lined up a therapist, not being able to go through the crisis by myself. I have consulted the divorce lawyer as well, but decided that I simply cannot afford to leave him before I can secure some sort of support system, income, job, anything that would assure my landing on solid ground. Now, being middle-aged and with thin résumé, getting a job will be difficult in this economy, and I am more and more inclined to pursue separation, since staying in the marriage is not really emotionally healthy for me. I do give it a try every day, and every day is an effort, but, although he did give up his "encounters," he still maintains virtual presence in the gay community through porn and his private Flickr account(s). Although not a deal breaker, his Internet activity makes me conclude that he is not willing to make an effort toward the true reconciliation of our relationship, and that his real orientation is something he will not be able to deny for much longer. I do realize that his orientation is not a choice, but his behavior is.
My priority is our girls, who are, hopefully, oblivious to the extent of our marital crisis, but I am asking myself lately if it is time to let him go, and hope for the best for all four of us? I do not want to hurt the girls, but I do not want to carry on with this agony for much longer either. This past couple of months have been hardest in my life, just watching everything I ever believed in crumble apart. My self-esteem is still pretty high, but self-pity creeps in every now and then, hurting my ability to think straight. I want out; the question is do I wait until the girls are off to college (another couple of years), or do I seek an exit now.
You need concrete help. For that, you have wisely chosen a therapist and a lawyer.
What I can do is help you form a narrative or map.
Because you are human you will seek meaning in what happened. We seek meaning in misfortune whether we get cancer or have an accident or are bombed out of our houses by unseen jets. It helps. It helps to make a story out of what happens.
Your story will be something like this. You fell in love and got married and had two beautiful children and had always thought there might be unexplored territory between you and your husband. But you did not go there. You may have learned a way of relating that, though intimate, allowed for certain unexplored regions. You may have termed this privacy, or given it some meaning. But you sensed that your husband was not completely transparent to you, that he had secrets or evasions. Having no clear guidelines, you let these areas, and perhaps these doubts, go unexplored. You didn't press the issue. You made small incremental decisions that maintained the relationship and the family.
It may be that at the first you wondered if this was the way it was supposed to be. You may have talked to your friends about it, subtly suggesting that things were "good" but not "great," that you wondered sometimes ...
Maybe. Maybe not. I think it likely, if you are honest, that you had vague suspicions.
At any rate, now it has become clear that your husband has been hiding a great deal from you. So you are incensed, enraged, hurt, betrayed. You've had a terrible shock. Gone are the bedrock vows and beliefs on which your marriage rested. You are now in the sticky muck of uncertainty. It is hard to walk now; everything is harder.
For a while it's going to be one day at a time, slogging through, some days better than others. You will have to decide if you can continue living with him and for how long, and under what circumstances, and for those decisions, you have help through a lawyer and a therapist. One way or another you will arrive in a future that was not the future you imagined.
What do I see for you in the future? I see a wiser woman; I see a woman who finds new strength in herself to protect her daughters and make a new life. I see a woman who now knows you never really know, who learns that when disaster happens you're capable of more than you realized. And maybe there will be some new rules in this story -- rules about hunches and doubts, a rule that says if something doesn't feel right, it isn't.
We are educated to be sensible and quasi-scientific in our decisions. In the conscious realm we operate on what we can see and hear. But in the unconscious realm, the animal realm, the realm of hunches and doubts, we need to listen more carefully to unformed notions we don't fully understand and yet which persist, in their way, in their language of symbols and doubts and strange coincidence.
I wish to leave you with this: You are not alone. This has happened before. You have strength and support to call on. You can get through this and be stronger and wiser. You have help. You have people who love you and are on your side. You are going to be OK.
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My wife and i are young we are only 30 and last weekend we went out to a restaurat / bar and ended up meeting up another couple we got along pretty well fast we were drinking all night and it was all good until the other girl leaned on my wifes shoulder and my wife by couriosity or maybe she liked her kissed her. I saw everything but the other guy didnt i was cool with it i tough it was exciting. about half hour later the apoligized to eachother and it was back to having fun. my wife asked me to go to the bathroom with her and i as a perv decided this is the big move..... i asked the other girl to go with her.... 15 minutes later they come back and is all cool so i asked my wife what happen and she told me that they hooked up kissing and sucking involved. i was very excited i wanted to take the girl home but she was with her man and no other man is touching my wife...lol... well anyhow a couple days later im here feeling jealous now they are friends on facebook and text each other. Me and my wife have been together 13 years and her and her date have been together for 2 months. I just want to know what should do how should i feel??? Helppp im going a little crazy...lol...
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well replace "other girl" with "other guy" and you get how I would feel. IMO this rings alarm bells, just coz it is a girl you seem to not really worry, I am sure you will be raging if it was a guy she is txting etc after kissing.
I think you need to talk to her about it, maybe she is bi or gay and if she is then there is nothing you can do about it, if you have a threesome make it clear that it is a one off and that it is not ok for your wife to go off and see this girl for sex etc without you. Unless of course, youre ok with that?
My GF is bi but she knows that if she goes off with another girl its the same as going off with another guy, the idea of dating a bi chick maybe hot coz of the ideas of threesomes etc but when you fall in love with them, you get a bit funny about it, at least I do; I would only ever agree to a threesome if we agreed to never see the extra girl again and didn't remain in contact.
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If the OP is less jealous about a woman good on him, this is highly individual. I think I know where he's coming from - even if she's completely bi, a woman still can't "replace" him; the wife's relationship with her would always be an addition to her life, whereas another man is perceived as more of a direct threat. It's highly common in couples which are not completely monogamous that the woman is only allowed to hook up with other women but not with other men, it helps the guy deal with his anxieties and doesn't allow such a strong "macho" rivalry to build up. Usually it seems to work fine.
My concern is whether the girl's partner is aware, because I might be non-monogamous but I'm strictly against lying and cheating!!
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^ Totally agree - I would never perceive a woman to be a direct threat, but more someone my woman could have as a side line if she wants a lil extra loving.
As long as I know about every instance of activity so I can have a wank while she tells me about it there's nothing wrong with it - it's hot.
For me - homosexuality is a lust thing, purely animal...a man will always come out on top unless he's a bitch.
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My wife and i are young we are only 30 and last weekend we went out to a restaurat / bar and ended up meeting up another couple we got along pretty well fast we were drinking all night and it was all good until the other girl leaned on my wifes shoulder and my wife by couriosity or maybe she liked her kissed her. I saw everything but the other guy didnt i was cool with it i tough it was exciting. about half hour later the apoligized to eachother and it was back to having fun. my wife asked me to go to the bathroom with her and i as a perv decided this is the big move..... i asked the other girl to go with her.... 15 minutes later they come back and is all cool so i asked my wife what happen and she told me that they hooked up kissing and sucking involved. i was very excited i wanted to take the girl home but she was with her man and no other man is touching my wife...lol... well anyhow a couple days later im here feeling jealous now they are friends on facebook and text each other. Me and my wife have been together 13 years and her and her date have been together for 2 months. I just want to know what should do how should i feel??? Helppp im going a little crazy...lol...
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well its a bit obvious how he feels, he even says so. he feels jealous.
my advice, coming from someone who used to be really jealous, but several years later is rather open in relationships (swinging included) is that what you should do is just talk to your wife. tell her how you feel an ask her about the things you want to know. jealousy is only there because you dont know how she feels about the other person. if she only feels like the girl/guy is a nice distraction (which she presumes you allowed into your life) then you have nothing to worry about.
most likely she is excited about her adventure and the initial curiosity, which you encouraged remember? you also let her know you wanted to bring the other girl home, though i imagine for your own pleasure more than hers.
really, just talk to her. she is your wife and hs been for a long time, better to ask her for advice than us internet folk
best of luck
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OP is being dishonest with himself. He wants to ball the other guy's wife, but nobody's touching his wife.
That's not how it works!!
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what needs to be established first, is how YOU feel.
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I share my nights between my boys, kiss them both when they walk in from work, and sit in the middle on the couch.
My husband is my life. He is my best friend, my rock, my confidant and an absolutey amazing father to our three children. We were high school sweethearts and spent all of our spare time together. We shared every aspect of our life and I could have never imagined my life with anyone else.
Sexually we were very comfortable, and in our younger years dabbled in the world of swinging. The bond we had enabled us to share ourselves and each other, and trust that our emotions and physical fun could be happily kept separate.
Once the kids were a little older and we were comfortable leaving them with a sitter, we started to re-ignite our social life, and began enjoying our weekends out again.
The mention of visiting a swingers club (where couples swap partners for an evening) had come up a few times, and eventually we decided to take the plunge. We set our rules before we headed in, both extremely nervous, neither knowing what to expect.
The night was fabulous, we met amazing people, loved the friendly relaxed atmosphere and felt more than comfortable ending the night with the intentions we had in mind.
That night pretty much determined our social schedule for the next six months, and we didn’t miss a theme night. Our bond became like nothing we had had before, the days following a night out we would chat endlessly about our experiences and opinions on different couples. We were husband and wife, and best friends. Giving each other tips and tricks, giggling about terrible experiences and appreciating even more what we both had at home.
Then everything changed the night I met Sam. He was older and cheeky and I immediately felt drawn to him. We didn’t spend a lot of time chatting that night, but when we returned a couple of weeks later I secretly felt excited to see that Sam and his partner had attended the club again too.
We talked a lot during the night, and at some point a group of us had discussed attending another club close by, so we all exchanged numbers with the intention of making it a group event.
The next morning I awoke to a text message from Sam, telling me that he thought I was the sexiest woman in the club. I had never had anyone so openly compliment me, I felt proud and filled with excitement. I showed my husband, who had a little giggle, but also questioned how Sam had my number.
One of our rules was no number exchanging with the opposite sex and at the time, although Sam’s partner put my number into a phone, I was unaware it was his phone she was using, not hers. It was a non issue between hubby and I, as we were both aware the exchanges were to plan for the following weekend.
The weekend couldn’t come fast enough, I was extremely attracted to Sam, and was hoping that the opportunity would arise for some fun. We all had an amazing night, and although there were no sexual encounters, I think we all realized we had established a pretty good group. Our “pack” so to speak.
Everyone ended up staying back at our place and the next morning while Sam’s partner cooked breakfast and my husband headed off to work, Sam and I chatted on our own. Our first alcohol free, one-on-one chat. The conversation was so natural, we both spoke of our past, and told each other things we wouldn’t often chat about so soon to new friends. I felt extremely comfortable with him, and I knew he felt the same. I was disappointed when they had to leave that day, but looked forward to the many social events to come.
Over the following weeks my husband and Sam became great friends, they would clown around at the club and I loved every minute the three of us were together. I hadn’t seen my husband click with another male like he did with Sam, and the fact that I also enjoyed his company so much meant it was a win for us both.
Sam and I continued to text,
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