Bf's Dad Got Lucky After Abusing Himself
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Bf's Dad Got Lucky After Abusing Himself
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We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted January 30, 2011
|
Reviewed by Kaja Perina
Talking about boyhood sexual abuse and its aftermath for men can be difficult, even painful. But such talk is absolutely essential.
By age 16, as many as one in six boys in America has had unwanted sex with an adult or older child. Millions of men, abused as children, continue to live with the debilitating effects of shattered trust.
The media has been of little help deepening the conversation about male sexual victimization. Recent coverage about the sexual abuse of boys has emphasized preventing abuse, making sure sexual predators are sequestered from youthful prey, and "moving on." For example, the crises of a church that harbored predators have gotten far more air time than the harm done to the boys molested by priests.
To be fair, while these boys - and the men they become - have mostly been neglected by the media, at least those scandals brought boyhood abuse into the public discourse. We can talk about it now, and we must do so, no matter how difficult this talk can be.
It's disturbing to think about what it means to a boy when he's sexually abused by someone he trusts. Uncomfortable as we feel, however, we must either talk about the reality of his experience or continue to live in silence, with devastating consequences.
Abusers use their age or authority to satisfy their own needs without regard to those of their victims. Seemingly unbreakable bonds are broken when treachery is introduced into these relationships. Consequently, many sexually abused boys grow up distrustful, considering people dishonest, malevolent, and undependable. They often become frightened of emotional connection and isolate themselves. This may alternate with merging with loved ones so they hardly know where they end and others begin.
Confusing affection with abuse, desire with tenderness, sexually abused boys often become men who have difficulty distinguishing among sex, love, nurturance, affection, and abuse. They may experience friendly interpersonal approaches as seductive and manipulative. On the other hand, they may not notice when exploitative demands are made on them - they've learned to see these as normal and acceptable.
Believing sexual closeness is the way to feel loved but experiencing love as abuse, some of these men solve their dilemma by engaging in frequent, indiscriminate, and compulsive sexual encounters. These are not free, joyous expressions of erotic passion. Sex is pursued incessantly, but with little chance for intimacy . Although strongly desiring love, these men have no sense of feeling loved once the sex act is concluded. They're left feeling empty and lonely , while the idea of fully pursuing relationships fills them with dread. Many believe sexually abused boys almost inevitably become sexually abusive men. But, while a significant proportion of male abusers were victims themselves, there's evidence that relatively few sexually abused boys actually become abusers. Because of the myth, however, many men fear they'll become abusive or worry that if they disclose their history, others will consider them predators.
Sexually abused boys are also troubled if they were aroused while being abused. Teenagers are easily aroused, having little control over the hormones surging through their bodies. But if they're stimulated by aspects of their experience, they may feel they participated in or even invited the abuse. This confuses a boy who also knows he was also repelled by the experience. Feeling guilty about any sexual pleasure he felt during his molestation, he may become ambivalent about all sexual pleasure.
Also, masculine gender expectations teach boys they can't be victims. Boys are supposed to be competitive, resilient , self-reliant, and independent, but certainly not emotionally needy. "Real" men initiate sexual activity and want sex whenever it's offered, especially by women. For many men, these qualities define masculinity.
As a result, boys may not even recognize their sexual victimization. They may assert that they weren't abused, weren't hurt, or were in charge of what happened. For them, acknowledging victimization means admitting they're weak or "not male."
Finally, when the abuser is male (and even sometimes when she is female), many boys - whether straight or gay - develop fears and concerns about sexual orientation . Conventional wisdom says sexual abuse turns boys gay, although there's no persuasive evidence that premature sexual activity fundamentally changes sexual orientation. Nevertheless, a heterosexual boy is likely to doubt himself, wondering why he was chosen by a man for sex. A homosexual boy may feel rushed into considering himself gay, or may hate his homosexuality because he believes it was caused by his abuse. Whether boys are gay or straight, these manipulative introductions to sexuality can set lifetime patterns of exploitation and self-destructive behavior.
These aftereffects are ugly. They're not only painful for victims but also costly to our society. Boys who grow up without coming to terms with their childhood abuse often struggle as men with addictions, anxiety , depression , and thoughts of suicide as well as the inability to develop or maintain relationships.
The good news: healing is possible.
A first step is acknowledging that abuse occurred and articulating what has been silenced. Putting the experience into words is freeing for many men, whether they tell a loved one, a professional, a confidant, or simply write in a journal. Beyond that, there are several options. Knowledgeable professionals can help, as can healing retreats, some 12-Step programs, and men's groups focused on victimization and masculinity. The Internet offers several options, including web sites for sexually abused men such as www.malesurvivor.org , where men can find one another and talk, anonymously if necessary, about their common dilemmas, or 1in6.org , where additional information is available.
------------
About the author:
Richard Gartner, PhD, is Training and Supervising Analyst, faculty and Founding Director of the Sexual Abuse Program at the William Alanson White Institute. He wrote Betrayed as Boys: Psychodynamic Treatment of Sexually Abused Men , for professionals, and Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life after Boyhood Sexual Abuse , for the general public.
© 2011 Richard Gartner, All Rights Reserved
The Psychoanalysis 3.0 Writing Group is a network of forward-thinking psychoanalytic writers organized by Todd Essig, Ph.D. of the William Alanson White Institute.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Dating advice for women and men, plus tips for love relationships.
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Love advice for women and men, couples, and singles looking for love.
Definitions of different types of love, for couples and singles.
How to know what love is, on quips and tips for love and relationships.
Help for healthy relationships for women and men, on a popular love blog.
Relationship advice for women and men on quips and tips for love and relationships.
Signs your relationship is over, plus help deciding how to move on after a breakup.
Help for marriage problems, for couples who are recently or forever married.
How to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, on quips and tips for love and relationships.
How to test a relationship, to see if it’s healthy and strong.
How to identify and fix relationship issues.
Help knowing when to break up, so you can find a healthy relationship.
Tips on how to deal with a break up and move on with your life.
Dating advice for women and men, plus tips for love relationships.
How to love your partner, plus tips for healthy love relationships.
Love advice for women and men, couples, and singles looking for love.
Definitions of different types of love, for couples and singles.
How to know what love is, on quips and tips for love and relationships.
Help for healthy relationships for women and men, on a popular love blog.
Relationship advice for women and men on quips and tips for love and relationships.
Signs your relationship is over, plus help deciding how to move on after a breakup.
Help for marriage problems, for couples who are recently or forever married.
How to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, on quips and tips for love and relationships.
How to test a relationship, to see if it’s healthy and strong.
How to identify and fix relationship issues.
Help knowing when to break up, so you can find a healthy relationship.
Tips on how to deal with a break up and move on with your life.
Relationship Problems > Abusive Relationships Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of an Abusive Man March 19, 2020 37 Comments
37 thoughts on “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Mind of an Abusive Man”
There are no simple answers to the “Why does he do that?” question, but here are some insights into abusive men and why they abuse. I also included links to articles about why women stay with abusers.
I’m getting my Master of Social Work (MSW) at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver, and have encountered one of the most abusive men I’ve ever met. What shocks me is how open and honest he is about his abusive behavior. He doesn’t give a rip how his words and actions affect his wife. In fact, he wants her to leave him – which is probably partly why he’s so emotionally abusive. Why does he do that?
This article is for her – and for all women wondering why abusive men act the way they do. These examples of abusive behavior are to help wives see their relationships more clearly, and to show them they’re not alone.
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” – Harvey Fierstein. Unfortunately, this is easier said than done. But do it we will!
At the end of this article is a link to the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It’ll help you get inside the minds of abusive men, which will help you see your relationship – and yourself – more clearly.
You probably didn’t find this article by searching for “ examples of abusive behavior ”, but that’s how I’m starting this article. Before we delve into why he does that, let’s define what the “that” is.
Often, verbal and emotional abuse is more insidious and difficult to pinpoint. That’s why abusive men are often in long-term relationships with women – their abuse isn’t obvious! Why does he do that? Because he’s slick and unhealthy.
“You make me say these things. It’s not my fault you push me this far. You’re crazy and stupid!” or “You’re upbringing has made you frigid and useless in bed. I’ve been with so many women and I thought they were bad, but you’re the worst. You’re boring and not a turn-on.”
“You’re imagining things – I never said that!” or “Baby, you misunderstood me. I meant I LOVE it when you haven’t showered in two days. Your smell makes realize how different you are from other women.” Or “You’re too sensitive.”
“Whatever, I’m not mad, I don’t care” or “I’m not trying to be mean, but you look ugly in that hairstyle.” Abusive men can be passive aggressive when they’re reluctant to engage in conflict or confrontation, but have negative feelings. If you’re not sure you’re with an abusive man, read Why Do Women Stay in Abusive Relationships? .
There is hope for you if you’re in an abusive or controlling relationship! Here’s what one reader commented:
“I just got out of my abusive relationship and I feel relieved to not have to put up with the emotional and physical
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