Better Sex With Women

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Better Sex With Women
No matter how much "Karen" squeezed her vagina , she just couldn't get the tightness she once experienced during sex.
"I used to be able to inflict pain on my husband because I was so strong down there," says the 48-year-old teacher from Toronto. Giving birth to two kids, however, changed things. During lovemaking, she would try so hard to get a grip that it killed intimacy and sometimes gave her muscle cramps .
The lackluster sex, Karen says, contributed to the end of her marriage. She suffered for a long time in silence, feeling that something fundamental to her sensuality was ripped away from her.
Then she saw a TV talk show that addressed a surgical procedure involving the "tightening" of loose vaginal muscles. After much consideration, and a consultation with a plastic surgeon that performed the operation, she decided to go for it.
The result: Karen felt so much stronger down there that she cried the first time she had intercourse after surgery. "It restored my happiness, my soul, and my spirit."
Hundreds of women have had their vaginas resculpted in recent years, either to make the opening narrower and stronger, or to improve upon the appearance of the labia.
Some of the surgical procedures are adaptations of medical techniques used for decades to treat women with urinary stress incontinence (urine leakage because of weak muscles), or uterine prolapse (uterus drops toward or beyond the vaginal canal). After those operations were performed, some doctors say many of the women reported better sexual feeling, or greater satisfaction from their husbands.
Word of mouth, marketing efforts, plus a growing awareness of the look and feel of female genitalia has apparently contributed to the popularity of revamping the vagina .
"The little trickle of women that I had been doing for many years has turned into a flood," says Robert Stubbs, MD, the plastic surgeon that handled Karen's vaginal tightening. He estimates that last year, for the first time, the number of women who came to his Toronto clinic for genital enhancement equaled or surpassed the number of men.
Stubbs now performs two genital surgeries for men and women per week. (He cosmetically alters other body parts.) But that pales compared to the traffic that goes through the doors of the Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation Institute of Los Angeles. There, founder and director David Matlock, MD, performs 10 female genital operations a week and boasts a four-to-five month waiting list.
Although centers that perform vaginal enhancement are scattered around the U.S. and Canada, the Institute appears to be one of the most aggressive in marketing the modification of women's privates. Ads featuring a woman in apparent ecstasy -- exclaiming 'You won't believe how good sex can be!' -- have contributed to the growth of a lucrative business.
Compared to all obstetricians and gynecologists, Matlock says that his revenue is in the top one percent. And it's no wonder since each woman that lies on the operating table is asked to shell out $3,800 to $6,000 for a tailor-made vagina. Combination packages for different procedures can reach up to $15,000. (A resculpted labia at Stubbs' clinic goes for $2,300 by U.S. standards.)
The highly profitable venture is the reason, Matlock says, ob-gyn doctors have been flocking to his office for training and support. In the next few weeks alone, he will coach medical professionals from New York, Korea, and Canada, who plan to open their own regional institutes. A satellite office opened up in Atlanta earlier this year.
Matlock makes no excuses for his work. He says he's merely listening to women, who for years have been dismayed when their doctors tell them to accept that loose vaginal muscles are just part of getting older or having children. Other women come in, he says, because they decide on their own that they want more aesthetically-pleasing vaginas, and often ask him to make theirs look like the models in Playboy magazine.
Many experts have frowned upon surgical methods like Matlock's, particularly because there are no recognized scientific or academic studies on the benefits or risks of the procedures.
"Surgery should be the last resort," says Alan Wabrek, MD, PhD, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Syracuse University in New York, who also ran a sexual counseling program at Hartford Hospital in Connecticut for 20 years. "If one person or the other is unhappy with a sexual relationship , it's frankly rare that something surgical is going to solve that."
All types of surgery has its risks, he adds, and any claims otherwise are untrue. Inevitable scarring, for instance, can leave the treated area -- especially the genitals -- very tender and painful.
Wabrek recommends discussing the sexual dilemma first with your partner, noting that perhaps the women may have thought their man was disappointed with their performance in bed when they really weren't.
If that doesn't work, he suggests Kegel exercises, which are scientifically proven to help women increase muscle tone, and to become more aware of the sensations coming from their vagina.
Cindy Pearson, executive director of the National Women's Health Network, agrees with Wabrek, calling marketing claims for better, more sexually sensitive vaginas "a bunch of baloney."
Although Pearson is all for bestowing more attention on women's sexual needs and desires, she says she would prefer to see less invasive and less dangerous methods. She likens some vaginal surgery to the archaic practices of removing ladies' lower ribs to reduce waistline sizes, and having women wear rings around their necks to make them look longer. She says society has always had an official-sounding explanation for the reshaping of women's bodies.
Pearson, however, is not totally opposed to vaginal enhancement procedures, saying that it may work for some women who have a medical condition that could be relieved through surgery.
Yet she says "We [at the National Women's Health Network] always warn people--when they're thinking of trying something where the benefit is not well-proven--that no side effect or complication is worth it."
The American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology has no official position on the subject. Neither do the American Medical Women's Association and the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.
Here's how to avoid the most common mistakes.
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WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.

By Christy Piña and Maria del Russo Updated: Jan 19, 2021
Before any sexual act, always make sure that both parties consent.
Feeding your love languages in the bedroom can make your sex lives substantially better.
Orgasm isn’t the most important part about sex. Pleasure and enjoying yourselves is.
Don’t just talk about fantasies. Talk about what sex means, how important sex is, and what you want from sex.
Bringing yourself to the brink of an orgasm can intensify the anticipation and make sex last longer.
Lube can really help women who may have trouble getting wet and makes sex enjoyable for all parties involved.
Being present during sex makes it more enjoyable.
If you’re someone who gets a release from moaning, don’t silence yourself.
This content is imported from poll. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.
Christy Piña is the digital fellow at WomansDay.com, where she covers women’s issues, lifestyle, and entertainment. When she’s not writing about everything under the sun, she’s probably marathoning her newest streaming obsession, reading fiction, or making brunch plans with her friends. She speaks fluent Spanglish and drinks way too much iced coffee.
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Sex should be enjoyed by everyone involved. Leading experts tell Woman's Day how to make sex better for women.
When you're having sex , it can be easy to focus solely on your partner(s) and forget that you're supposed to be having fun and feeling good, too. Sex is, after all, a two- (or three-, or four-, or more-) person affair. So whether you've been having sex for decades or are new to the game, considering the myriad of ways you can work to make sex better is always beneficial, especially if you're a woman. In other words, there's no bad time to visit or re-visit these handy dandy sex tips for women.
Before you start applying the following sex tips to your bedroom life, it's important to establish what the word "sex" actually means to you. "Historically speaking, sex has primarily been focused on and defined by penetrative sex," Emily Morse , doctor of human sexuality and host of the Sex with Emily podcast, tells Woman's Day. But there are a lot of other definitions for sex. Whether you're in a heterosexual, same-sex, or any other type of relationship, sex is what you make of it. "Rather than allowing other people to tell you what is considered to be sex, define it on your own," Ashley Townes , PhD, MPH, tells Woman's Day.
Once you've established your own definition of sex, you'll have a better grasp on the sexual behaviors you're willing to engage in — and the ones you're not. "Women do not have to accept or allow sex that makes them uncomfortable, sex that hurts , or sex that does not bring them pleasure," Townes explains. If you don't want to do something with your partner(s), that's perfectly OK. You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, and don't let anybody tell you differently.
With that in mind, the following sex tips for women are bound to take your sexual activities to the next level. From ensuring consent before and during sex, to experimenting with sex toys and different lubes , there are countless fun and innovative ways you can make your next sexperience (ha, get it?) better than your last romp in the sheets.
"One of the missing pieces of erotic experiences I hear about frequently from straight and lesbian women is the desire to be seduced by a partner," Sari Cooper, AASECT certified sex therapist and director of Center for Love and Sex , tells Woman's Day. "Whether it's a hookup or a longer term partner , the experience of being emotionally pursued, flirted with, and seduced has become a lost art."
Cooper explains that the reason people may feel more reluctant to text or say something suggestive is because of their fear of coming on "too strong" or making things awkward, embarrassing, creepy, or triggering... and understandably so. You may not know everything about your partner's past sexual experiences, so it can be important to tread carefully. But there are ways to learn about things that may or may not make your partner uncomfortable, like learning if they're turned on by seduction scenes in films, books, or porn.
Ask them "to describe some of these scenes to get a flavor of what it is that is particularly alluring to her," Cooper suggests. "For many women talking about these scenes can be the outercourse that gets their erotic and physical arousal juices simmering." If they do enjoy seductive scenes, it gives you an idea of what they may appreciate from you.
Tailoring to each other's love languages doesn't only apply to the non-sexual aspects of a relationship. "If you are a words of affirmation person, ask your partner to give compliments during your sexual experiences," Townes says. "If you are an act of service person, ask your partner to give you a massage." You can also feed each other's love languages by increasing arousal before sexual activity, she adds, like through sexting or phone/video sex.
"Women should spend time in self-pleasure to make sex more enjoyable," Shannon Chavez Qureshi, PsyD, CST, licensed psychologist, AASECT certified sex therapist, tells Woman's Day. "Spend quality time masturbating so you can be in control of your orgasm and guide your partner towards better pleasure." Megan Fleming , Ph.D. clinical psychologist, AASECT certified diplomate sex therapy, echoes Chavez's sentiment and adds that knowing your pleasure and owning it go hand-in-hand. "It's as much about your pleasure as your partner's pleasure," Fleming tells Woman's Day. "I find a lot of times women are more thinking about sex for their partner versus themselves." But sex can be so much better when all of the parties involved enjoy themselves.
Fleming suggests letting your curiosity take over when you're exploring your body. Do you like external clitoral stimulation? Or do you prefer finding your internal G-spot? How about the different patterns and speeds that can really turn you on? "Once women have a deeper understanding of their bodies and what feels good for them, they can share it with a partner," Morse says. You can even engage in self-pleasure with your partner, if you want to try something new. "Mutual masturbation is one of my favorite sex tips because you get to watch exactly what your partner does to please herself, with the added bonus of it being a huge turn-on to watch," she adds.
Sometimes you can get so in your head about ensuring you and your partner orgasm that you can lose sight of the purpose of sex: pleasure. "Orgasms are fantastic, but they aren’t necessarily the goal," Morse says. "Good sex is about communication and connection. Take some of the pressure off yourselves and make the sexual 'intention' to explore and find all those other erogenous zones ." If you're stressed about one or both (or all) of you climaxing, you may not be able to enjoy what's going on. Take turns massaging each other to release tension and focus more on exploring your bodies and receiving pleasure she suggests.
Another way to get out of your head is to make sex a game, Fleming explains. Sex doesn't have to be limited to the bedroom. You can send flirty texts, put a risqué note in their work or gym bag, or even start a separate email address for all things sex. "Have the idea when you're on that email you're sort of stepping into that erotic, playful persona," she says. "There's no limit to the erotic imagination."
That doesn’t mean that you should just up your dirty talk and call it a day (although that can definitely be fun). You should be talking about sex before, during, and after the deed, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide ’s resident sexologist, tells Woman's Day. “ Research suggests that when you talk about sex during sex, you experience higher levels of self-esteem and satisfaction,” she explains.
These conversations don’t have to simply focus on what feels good, either. You should be talking about sex as a noun instead of a verb, O’Reilly explains. So instead of asking about your partner’s fantasies, ask them questions like this: What does sex mean to you? How important is sex to you? How often do you want to have sex? How do you want to feel before, during, and after sex? And of course, these conversations should also focus on establishing consent before and during sex, especially if you’re interested in trying something new with your partner(s). No one can have a great time if they’re not a completely comfortable, willing participant.
While most people consider anticipation to be the sexy tease that eventually leads to a big climax, O’Reilly says that’s not entirely true. “Anticipation is not the precursor to pleasure. Anticipation is pleasure,” she says. “If you go straight for the goods, you will both miss out on this important stage of pleasure.” In other words, it’s important to take your time.
Instead of going to the spot that you know will drive you and your partner wild first, O’Reilly says to just suggest you’ll get there. “By alluding to what you’re going to do with your words, body language, and teasing touch, you build sexual energy and desire that mounts into a more climatic response.” In fact, research shows that dopamine, a chemical associated with reward and pleasure, is released as soon as we begin to anticipate a reward — not just when you receive it. “This is why planning a vacation is often more exciting and pleasurable than the trip itself, and why dopamine levels can rise dramatically when we dream of future plans like retirement.”
So instead of jumping right into the deed, make sure you spend time teasing. Kiss their thighs before oral, or have your partner undress you very slowly. That anticipation will just make the moment when you do have sex much more satisfying.
“Edging often refers to working yourself up right to the brink of orgasm several times without allowing yourself to go over the edge and actually climax,” O’Reilly says. It’s similar to building anticipation, but on a larger scale.
You can practice this with your partner(s), or on your own by masturbating. “Some people take themselves all the way to the brink of orgasm — so a 9 on a scale from 1 to 10 — and then bring themselves back down to a two,” O’Reilly explains. “You might find that you experience more intense and full-bodied pleasure as you prolong the sexual experience through edging. Orgasms may feel more powerful as you delay their onset.”
In addition to intensifying the anticipation, sex will actually likely last longer if you play with edging. You can even use it as a way to slow down the process to ensure everyone finishes.
“Body image is contagious,” O’Reilly says. “If you’re comfortable in your body, your partner is more likely to enjoy theirs. If you’re self-conscious, it can make them feel self-conscious, too.” While it’s far more easier said than done, taking the first step in cultivating a positive body image can be a revolutionary act of self-love — better sex is just the cherry on top.
According to a study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health, women who feel good about their genitals are more likely to have orgasms and practice sexual health-promoting behaviors, like visiting their OBGYN regularly. So being comfortable in your own skin can improve sex, too. Some ways to cultivate body positivity include posting positive affirmations to your mirror, throwing away your scale, engaging with body positive, inclusive media that shows a wide range of body types, and learning how to accept a compliment.
“Lube makes sex wetter, better, hotter, and more exciting and varied,” O’Reilly says. It also ensures that sex isn’t painful, because it subs in for your natural lubricants, which aren’t always enough to get things going. (And that’s perfectly fine.) “Your options for kissing, rubbing, stroking, twisting, grinding, positioning, and riding are simply far greater when the slippery stuff is involved,” O’Reilly explains. “Research and data confirms that those who use lube report higher levels of arousal, pleasure, and sexual fulfillment.”
What kind of lube you use depends on a lot of things, including allergies and whether you’re using a condom. Water-based lubes are always a safe bet, so reach for one of those if you’re unsure. O’Reilly suggests any of Astroglide’s lubes for some slippery fun.
“If magazine headlines and book sales are any indication, we’ve shifted from a culture of sexual taker to a culture of highly performative givers when it comes to sex,” O’Reilly says. “Giving is great, but when it comes to sex, the performative element of giving can detract from the experience of pleasure.” In other words, we’re so concerned with making sure our partners think we’re having a good time, that we don't actually give ourselves the chance to have a good time, too.
The easiest way to change this dynamic, is to “[by] receiving pleasure without apology,” O’Reilly says. So if something your partner is doing feels really good for you, allow y
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