Better Sex Tips For Him
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Better Sex Tips For Him
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When it comes to knowing what makes your partner tick in the bedroom, Googling " mind-blowing sex positions (opens in new tab) " only get you so far. Stimulating and gratifying sex is all in the timing, the communication, and the spontaneity, according to Dr. Bea Jaffrey—a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist based in Switzerland—and Mary Jo Rapini, a Houston-based psychiatrist and sex therapist. But what does that mean you should do , exactly? Fortunately, Rapini shared tips with Marie Claire about what actually works in the bedroom (lots of her tips are backed up by research, to boot!), and Jaffrey gave us some pointers from her book on overcoming common sex issues ( 159 Mistakes Couples Make in the Bedroom (opens in new tab) ).
Research suggests that better communication is key to better sex (opens in new tab) —and no, we don't necessarily mean dirty talk. Communicating what you like and don't like can be instructional and informative, no matter how much you think you already know each other's bodies. If they're doing something you like, say so rather than relying on (opens in new tab) ambiguous gestures or noises. And if it's something you're not into, communicate that or guide them in a new direction. Want to try a different angle? Suggest one. If simultaneous orgasm is your goal and you're close to climaxing, don't be mum about it.
In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Sex Research (opens in new tab) , researchers analyzed answers from 39,000 heterosexual couples that were married or cohabiting for over three years. Sexual satisfaction reported to be higher among the couples who revealed that they gave each other positive affirmation during sex and were open enough about embarrassing moments (opens in new tab) during sex to joke about them and move on. Dr. Jaffrey notes that this lighthearted approach to sex is key, saying, "Don't take life too seriously. Happy couples laugh together."
Even great sex can start to feel monotonous over time if it's more or less the same old routine. To mix things up, Marie Claire's guy expert Lodro Rinzler suggests: "If you're in bed with someone and have a sense of something new you or your partner might enjoy, be it some teasing, a change in position, anything…go for it."
Dr. Jaffrey also recommends switching up the time and place to avoid falling into a rut of once-a-week "duty sex." "Try new places to have sex, maybe on the sofa, in the car or on the kitchen countertops? Or how about the back row of a movie theater? Be careful though, because sex is illegal in public places. Try role-playing...take a bath together. Be inventive, have fun."
Long-term desire is built on a foundation of novelty. Otherwise erotic energy will naturally dissipate for most couples. Trying new things is the key to keeping the fire going.
Jaffrey notes that setting the mood for sex is vital, for women especially, and that foreplay should start long before sex even begins: "I am talking here about the mental foreplay that happens days in advance, not the one that you have just before sex. Make sure to be attentive to your partner. Small gestures and nice comments are significant to setting the right mood for sex." She also suggests keeping up communication during the day through texts or emails.
Having good sex requires knowing what you like in bed. The only way to fully understand your pleasure potential is to masturbate and explore your body. Masturbation is a healthy form of self-exploration and should be encouraged for all people, even those in relationships. Studies show (opens in new tab) that masturbation doesn't make you want sex less, it actually has the opposite effect.
Try to spend at least two days a week enjoying your own body. This will improve your sex life, because your partner is not a mind reader. When you know exactly how you like to be touched, you can better communicate your desires to your partner.
Before you put anything inside a vagina, it's important that you're fully, properly aroused. When you're aroused, the vagina expands and gets wet while the genital tissue becomes engorged with blood. This helps intercourse and penetration feel good rather than painful or uncomfortable. Be sure you're giving adequate time and attention to the clitoris. If possible, have an orgasm before penetration. Women and female-bodied people have orgasms most reliably through oral sex or with a sex toy. Make your pleasure a priority.
The power of sexy banter (opens in new tab) in the bedroom gets underplayed, but it can be a serious mood-enhancer when you're trying to liven things up together. Going about that, however, isn't the easiest for people who aren't used to actually vocalizing 50 Shades -esque fantasies (opens in new tab) . "What my [clients] benefit the most from is when they go to a bookstore or they go online and they find an erotic book," says Rapini.
She suggests that couples read from erotic books together, especially if they want to work on developing a "dirty talk" vocabulary that gives them the language cues without feeling self-conscious. Reading off scripts, she says, never works as well as if couples find a book they really like together and can build off of that jargon.
One way that Rapini counsels long-term couples on how to explore the unknown to enhance their sexual experience is to try shopping for products and toys together. That could mean anything from couples' vibrators (she recommends the remote-controlled Fiera (opens in new tab) ) to massage oils to body paint to blindfolds, though Rapini says another way to set the scene is to try adding music as sexy background noise (opens in new tab) . "Make massage part of your routine and start touching each other. Many couples will start feeling their libido rise after they do that," she says.
There is no "right amount" of sex you should be having. This is a myth. As long as both people are satisfied, you're doing great. There isn't one golden rule, but a recent study (opens in new tab) suggested that more sex doesn't mean better sex and that the happiest couples have sex only once a week.
So if you're anxious about you and your partner not screwing like rabbits, there's proof that the more energy you put into making regular weekly sex *better* will pay off in the long run. Focus on how much pleasure you and your partner are experiencing during any one session, not how often you're physically hopping in bed.
It's often underestimated how important empathy is when it comes to sex. Empathy is the care and understanding of a another person's feelings, and this is incredibly important in sex because when you feel that your partner actually cares about your pleasure, you're going to be more into having sex with them. We often come to sex with too much ego, and that's a real shame. We should be understanding and loving towards one another. Sex can be confusing, awkward, weird, and very hot. Make room for your many, many feelings in order to co-create an amazing erotic experience.
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Use safer sex practices . It can be easier to relax and enjoy yourself if you feel confident that you are practicing safer sex. With this in mind, make a plan to make your sex life as safe as possible. If you can, before you have sex, get to know your partner, and talk openly about your sexual histories. Use a condom or dental dam every time you have sex, and for the complete act. [1]
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Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419
Only latex and polyurethane condoms protect against STIs and HIV. Polyurethane condoms may break more easily than latex. Use a condom any time you have vaginal, anal, or oral sex. [2]
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A dental dam is a latex barrier that you can use when performing oral sex with a female partner. It can help prevent the spread of STIs and HIV. [3]
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Females should also consider getting the HPV vaccine to help prevent problems like genital warts and cervical cancer. [4]
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HPV vaccines may cause fainting or allergic reactions in some people, so talk with your doctor about whether the vaccine is right for you. [5]
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Trustworthy Source
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
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Love the body you're in. Feeling self-conscious or embarrassed of your body can make sex needlessly uncomfortable. If you struggle with body image issues that are negatively affecting your sex life, then make it a priority to rectify what you can and accept what you cannot. Accepting your body is key to a happy self and the first step to better sex life.
Try looking at yourself in the mirror and make it a point to find a new positive about yourself each day. [6]
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You can also make it a point to get to know your own body in a sexual way. People with vaginas who masturbate have significantly more sexual satisfaction than those who do not [7]
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Hurlbert, D. F., & Whittaker, K. E. (1991). The role of masturbation in marital and sexual satisfaction: A comparative study of female masturbators and nonmasturbators. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 17(4), 272-282
Knowing what feels good for yourself will help you communicate your needs to your partner.
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Communicate openly with your partner. Communication with your partner will improve your sexual satisfaction and help with your intimacy. [8]
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Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., Widaman, K. F., Vernon, M. L., Follette, W. C., & Beitz, K. (2006). “I can't get no satisfaction”: Insecure attachment, inhibited sexual communication, and sexual dissatisfaction. Personal Relationships,13(4), 465-483
[9]
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Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self‐disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36(2), 180-189
[10]
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Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419
It can be hard to establish and maintain open communication with your partner, especially if you aren't comfortable with sex and what you want. Think about what you can say and still feel comfortable and safe.
No matter how well you may think you know each other, your partner isn't a mind reader. If there is something you want to change about your sex life, then it's important to talk about it. If your partner is really committed to you, then they will be willing to listen and respect your needs. [11]
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Communicating your sexual needs can even be a good bonding experience for you and your partner. [12]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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Reveal what you like. You need to be open with your partner about your attitudes and feelings towards having sex. You should also make a point of asking your partner what they want and what they like. Being shy or coy will only make your partner feel self-conscious, which can make the experience worse for both of you. Let yourself enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let your partner see that you're enjoying it too. [13]
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Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self‐disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36(2), 180-189
Don't judge your partner for what they like. It can be scary for both of you to divulge that kind of information, so listen to them without interrupting. If your partner likes something that you are not comfortable with, let them know that you are not interested in it without making them feel weird or bad about their desires. [14]
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Avoid using euphemisms when possible. These are not clear, and can make it harder for your partner to understand you. Use language that you're comfortable with, but remember that sex is not "wrong" or "dirty," and using terminology that is clear and communicative is helpful. [15]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source
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Let your partner know what isn't working. There are times when something you try in the bedroom isn't working. Instead of placing the blame on anyone, use "I" statements to express what is unsatisfying about the experience for you. If you are more honest about the things you don't like, you can fix them. This can only make the sex better.
For example, tell your partner, "I feel as if the sex is too rushed. What can we do to fix this?" This statement communicates the problem you are having with the sex but doesn't place the blame on anyone. Instead, it shows that it is something that you can work on together. [16]
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Frame things positively when possible, such as "I really enjoy when you do ____ and would like that to happen more often" or "Such-and-such really works better for me than so-and-so -- can we try that instead?" [17]
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Pay attention to your partner. See their pleasure as your goal line. Of course, it's important for you to get what you're looking for from a sexual relationship too, but you should start by setting a good example. The better you make them feel, the more they’re going to want to rise to the challenge. The key to good sex is to make sure that you're processing and acknowledging your partner's reactions to the experience.
When you see your partner wince, stop . You might be hurting them. When you hear your partner moan, repeat the motion you just did because it probably feels really good. Most importantly, pay attention throughout sex to make sure that your partner is mutually interested in everything you are doing.
Stop immediately if they say "no."
Remember that just because your partner doesn't say "no" doesn't mean that they are comfortable with the situation. Consent is an ongoing process. After all, your goal is to get a resounding "yes!" from the both of you.
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