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BDSM is not about violence, it is about trust and vulnerability.
Many couples come to therapy when things in the bedroom are not as exciting as they used to be. They ask questions like:
People might blush at the mention of whips, binds, and blindfolds but research has shown that the BDSM (Bondage and Discipline/Dominance and Submission/Sadism and Masochism) community is more satisfied in the bedroom.
If we look past the props and sex dungeon imagery usually attributed to the group, we can see that there is much to be learned from BDSM’s core philosophy of unapologetic authenticity, safety, and clear communication.
Here are two pieces of wisdom from the world of kink and fetishism that almost every couple can incorporate into their sex lives.
People usually look at sex as a physical, pleasure-seeking activity that fulfills a need. The BDSM community looks at it like play: something that engages your intellect and creativity along with your body and senses. When you look at sex in all its complexity and potential, communication becomes imperative.
While we mistakenly associate sexual communication to ‘dirty talk’ (which can feel scripted and inauthentic), talking about your likes and dislikes, your boundaries, and your fantasies is an essential part of a healthy sex life.
People who indulge in BDSM, understandably, exhibit a deep knowledge of sex education, empathy, and clear communication compared to people who do not. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine reports that BDSM practitioners were, on the whole, “less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection-sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being.”
Conversations about your deepest desires and secret interests can open a new dimension of your sexual relationship. It could help you create scenes, dabble in roleplay successfully, and establish safe words while having sex. It can also help you experience a higher degree of intimacy and trust with your partner.
Being deliberate and curious in your sex life doesn’t complicate it, it adds new colors to it.
According to an article in The New School Psychology Bulletin , explicit and enthusiastic consent is the central principle of BDSM philosophy, while assumed consent is common in mainstream sexual interactions.
Many BDSM practices use danger and power play as tools to induce excitement. To avoid unintentional harm or displeasure, the BDSM community relies on clear indications of consent — be it verbal or, in certain cases, written consent. It also gives both partners the inviolable right to revoke consent through safe words.
This can be contrasted with many mainstream sexual interactions where consent is actually quite unclear. For example:
Consent is not just about making sex safe, it is also about giving and receiving confirmations of pleasure. Explicit consent opens the floodgates for deeper sexual communication. Considering consent deeply can make you a better listener in bed and it can help you know your partner better while making you more assertive as a sexual partner.
Power play and pain-induced pleasure may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but clear communication, trust, and deep interpersonal intimacy can make any sexual interaction more pleasurable and meaningful.
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Use safer sex practices . It can be easier to relax and enjoy yourself if you feel confident that you are practicing safer sex. With this in mind, make a plan to make your sex life as safe as possible. If you can, before you have sex, get to know your partner, and talk openly about your sexual histories. Use a condom or dental dam every time you have sex, and for the complete act. [1]
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Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419
Only latex and polyurethane condoms protect against STIs and HIV . Polyurethane condoms may break more easily than latex. Use a condom any time you have vaginal, anal, or oral sex . [2]
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A dental dam is a latex barrier that you can use when performing oral sex with a female partner. It can help prevent the spread of STIs and HIV. [3]
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Females should also consider getting the HPV vaccine to help prevent problems like genital warts and cervical cancer . [4]
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HPV vaccines may cause fainting or allergic reactions in some people, so talk with your doctor about whether the vaccine is right for you. [5]
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Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services
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Love the body you're in. Feeling self-conscious or embarrassed of your body can make sex needlessly uncomfortable. If you struggle with body image issues that are negatively affecting your sex life, then make it a priority to rectify what you can and accept what you cannot. Accepting your body is key to a happy self and the first step to better sex life.
Try looking at yourself in the mirror and make it a point to find a new positive about yourself each day. [6]
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You can also make it a point to get to know your own body in a sexual way. People with vaginas who masturbate have significantly more sexual satisfaction than those who do not [7]
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Hurlbert, D. F., & Whittaker, K. E. (1991). The role of masturbation in marital and sexual satisfaction: A comparative study of female masturbators and nonmasturbators. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 17(4), 272-282
Knowing what feels good for yourself will help you communicate your needs to your partner.
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Communicate openly with your partner . Communication with your partner will improve your sexual satisfaction and help with your intimacy. [8]
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Davis, D., Shaver, P. R., Widaman, K. F., Vernon, M. L., Follette, W. C., & Beitz, K. (2006). “I can't get no satisfaction”: Insecure attachment, inhibited sexual communication, and sexual dissatisfaction. Personal Relationships,13(4), 465-483
[9]
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Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self‐disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36(2), 180-189
[10]
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Haavio-Mannila, E., & Kontula, O. (1997). Correlates of increased sexual satisfaction. Archives of sexual behavior, 26(4), 399-419
It can be hard to establish and maintain open communication with your partner, especially if you aren't comfortable with sex and what you want. Think about what you can say and still feel comfortable and safe.
No matter how well you may think you know each other, your partner isn't a mind reader. If there is something you want to change about your sex life, then it's important to talk about it. If your partner is really committed to you, then they will be willing to listen and respect your needs. [11]
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Communicating your sexual needs can even be a good bonding experience for you and your partner. [12]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
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Reveal what you like. You need to be open with your partner about your attitudes and feelings towards having sex. You should also make a point of asking your partner what they want and what they like. Being shy or coy will only make your partner feel self-conscious, which can make the experience worse for both of you. Let yourself enjoy the experience and allow yourself to let your partner see that you're enjoying it too. [13]
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Byers, E. S., & Demmons, S. (1999). Sexual satisfaction and sexual self‐disclosure within dating relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 36(2), 180-189
Don't judge your partner for what they like. It can be scary for both of you to divulge that kind of information, so listen to them without interrupting. If your partner likes something that you are not comfortable with, let them know that you are not interested in it without making them feel weird or bad about their desires. [14]
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Avoid using euphemisms when possible. These are not clear, and can make it harder for your partner to understand you. Use language that you're comfortable with, but remember that sex is not "wrong" or "dirty," and using terminology that is clear and communicative is helpful. [15]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source
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Let your partner know what isn't working. There are times when something you try in the bedroom isn't working. Instead of placing the blame on anyone, use "I" statements to express what is unsatisfying about the experience for you. If you are more honest about the things you don't like, you can fix them. This can only make the sex better.
For example, tell your partner, "I feel as if the sex is too rushed. What can we do to fix this?" This statement communicates the problem you are having with the sex but doesn't place the blame on anyone. Instead, it shows that it is something that you can work on together. [16]
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Frame things positively when possible, such as "I really enjoy when you do ____ and would like that to happen more often" or "Such-and-such really works better for me than so-and-so -- can we try that instead?" [17]
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Pay attention to your partner. See their pleasure as your goal line. Of course, it's important for you to get what you're looking for from a sexual relationship too, but you should start by setting a good example. The better you make them feel, the more they’re going to want to rise to the challenge. The key to good sex is to make sure that you're processing and acknowledging your partner's reactions to the experience.
When you see your partner wince, stop . You might be hurting them. When you hear your partner moan, repeat the motion you just did because it probably feels really good. Most importantly, pay attention throughout sex to make sure that your partner is mutually interested in everything you are doing.
Stop immediately if they say “no.”
Remember that just because your partner doesn't say "no" doesn't mean that they are comfortable with the situation. Consent is an ongoing process. After all, your goal is to get a resounding “yes!” from the both of you.
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Ditch the porn stereotypes. Porn is like all other movies: they do not reflect reality. Porn is shot and set up to look good on camera, but it usually doesn't reflect what actually feels good or what a real sexual encounter looks like.
Try to go in with no expectations. Just let things go naturally. [18]
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Take your time to enjoy it. You want to enjoy every minute of the entire experience. It shouldn't be a "get-in-get-out" operation. Enjoy the whole sexual experience. Pay attention to your partner's erogenous zones and spend time pleasuring them. Slow down and explore your partner's whole body. Don't just go for the clichè parts.
You can also play games with one another to liven up the experience. Always focus on connection and keeping them guessing to make sex interesting.
Make a point to keep kissing . Returning for a sexy make-out every now and again can be a great way to draw out the experience.
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Focus on foreplay. Before jumping right to the main event, spend some time kissing, caressing , and pleasing one another. Foreplay can make sex last longer and feel more sensual and romantic. Many females especially find that foreplay is helpful in getting them in the right mood, whereas male may be more ready to go at any moment.
It's in your best interest to get your lady in the mood. It will increase her natural lubrication and make her enjoy sex more. [19]
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Keep the compliments flowing. You should make sure that your partner never doubts for a moment that you think they are pretty much the hottest thing on the planet, maybe even the hottest thing for the next couple planets. When you see something you like, let your partner know.
You don't always have to say it, but take time to enjoy it. Let your partner see you enjoying their body too.
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