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Despite there being a healthy renaissance for butt play in recent years, backdoor entry is still a deal-breaker for many women — a no-way, no-how, entirely off-limits scenario. Still, more than a third of women (36.3 percent) surveyed in a 2015 study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine reported having tried anal sex ; 13.2 percent reported having had it within the past 12 months.
For some women, like me, anal sex can be a mind-blowing addition to the bedroom . Until recently, I’d never had an orgasm from anal sex alone. Anal sex has always been a welcome precursor to vaginal penetration and other below-the-belt play. The most intense orgasms I’ve had — ever — have involved some combo of simultaneous vaginal penetration, clit stimulation, and ass play.
The key, for me, is to have a patient partner — one whom I trust. Oh, and plenty of lube. The anus isn’t self-lubricating, and the sphincter needs to be relaxed before you insert anything into it. For me to engage in anal sex, I need to be fully relaxed, lubed, and ready. And even then, sometimes the equipment isn’t, umm, compatible. Usually, I’d say you can never have too much of a good thing, but size can be an issue.
Anne Hodder, ACS, a multi-certified sex and relationships educator, says a successful anal experience is most often the result of communication, relaxation, preparation, lubrication, and (at least initially) gentle stimulation. “Anal is something you and your partner should discuss and plan for while sober and clothed,” she says. “Discuss expectations and concerns.”
Here are my top 25 tips on how to enjoy anal sex :
It needs to be a “hell yes.” Like anything in life, if the idea of anal sex doesn’t inspire an enthusiastic “hell yes” you probably shouldn’t do it. If someone has to convince you to do something, say no.
There needs to be a solid level of trust. For me, anal sex requires a higher level of trust than vaginal sex. I’ve rarely had painful vaginal penetration, but there have been a few less-than-memorable mishaps with an overzealous penis and my ass. I’m not letting a penis or strap-on get near my backside unless I trust that you’ll wield it responsibly.
If you “accidentally” slip it in, you’re an asshole. There are these concepts called consent and communication. Accidental anal is not OK.
Let go of any expectations. Instead of immediately focusing on full penetration, try to be as present as possible, and enjoy the buildup and arousal. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to make it happen. And sometimes, anatomy doesn’t fit, or it’s painful for the receiving partner.
Your butt is beautiful. If you’re going to let someone stick their dick or strap-on in your backside, you’re going to have to relax about how it looks. It may not be your most favorite body part, but the reality is that someone will be looking at it, they may be licking it, and if all goes as planned, penetrating it. All butts are beautiful.
Relax. I know, I know — this is easier said than done. If you’re nervous, take a few deep breaths. Like you mean it deep breaths. A calm mind will hopefully set your ass at ease.
Slow and low is the tempo. I cannot emphasize this enough. Go as slow as you need. And if something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s OK to stop and start again. I’ve learned things go more smoothly the slower I go because I’m not triggered to clench or clamp down from worry or discomfort.
Start small. Instead of going for the biggest dildo in your bedside arsenal, start with something small, like a single (lubed) finger, and work your way up.
This bullet vibrator’s small and compact shape makes it a great toy to use as you start out.
Communication is key. Your partner may be fan-freaking-tastic, but they are by no means a mind reader. It helps to have a conversation before you have butt sex for the first time. And if you’re in the throes of it, if you want more or less of something, use your words and speak up.
Use silicone lube (and don’t skimp). The anus is much tighter than the vagina, and it doesn’t naturally self-lubricate like the vagina does — no matter how turned on you are. Thick, silicone lubes tend to be longer-lasting and make for a smoother sailing backdoor situation. The wetter, the better. Always.
Unless you’re using silicone toys… This is a pretty simple rule of thumb: If you’re using silicone toys, use a water-based lube, since silicone-based lubes can break down toys and make them gummy and gross (like material doesn’t like like material).
And definitely, don’t use a numbing lube. Desensitizing lubes aren’t inherently harmful, but the anus consists of thin, sensitive tissues, so tears and irritation are more prevalent. I want my body to be able to signal if something isn’t right.
Go shallow at first. Whether it’s with a toy or finger, go shallow at first when penetrating someone’s anus. I know, the impulse is to get in there — all the way in there — but take it easy, tiger, before you deep dive.
The position can make all the difference. Many positions are anal sex-friendly, and some are better than others. Doggy style, spooning, and the standard missionary position are best.
Don’t make any sudden movements. Sometimes it’s nice to add an element of surprise to your sex life, but not when you’re being penetrated anally. It’s not only painful; someone could legit get hurt.
Invest in a quality butt plug. If you’re brand new to anal play , I strongly suggest playing with a butt plug prior penetrative anal sex with a penis or strap-on dildo. (You can do this by yourself or with a partner.) It will get you used to the sensation of being “filled,” as well as help relax the sphincter.
Hot Octopuss has a ton of innovative sex toys for everyone, like this flexible butt plug that’s remote controlled for hands-free play. For beginners though we recommend this quality butt plug whose miniature size is great for beginners. The smooth, narrow tip along with its stainless steel design allows for easy and controlled penetration.
Avoid ass to mouth play (ATM). If you’re a vulva owner, the potential transfer of bacteria from the anus to the vagina should be a concern. If you are moving from anus to vagina, switch condoms, or be sure to clean your penis or strap-on thoroughly.
Don’t overlook analingus. Before you yuck this popular yum, please know that a lot of people find having their anus licked to be a very pleasurable experience. The anus is full of all sorts of ultra-sensitive nerve endings, especially around the entry, that can get the blood flowing to all the right places.
The prostate is a magical source of pleasure. For the penetrating penis, the anus is very tight, which can feel amazing. There’s a lot of pleasure on the receiving end too, thanks to the prostate. Here’s how to find it, stimulate it, and make it super happy.
Steer clear of comparisons. Anal sex enthusiasts shouldn’t compare themselves to the porn they watch. “Keep in mind, when we make porn, we need to show actual penetration, which means we have to open up for the camera and get fucked with big things. This doesn’t always feel great,” says Lance Hart . Brooklyn Chase adds, “In porn, prep for an anal scene includes a lengthy and unpleasant routine of enemas, very little food, and anti-diarrhea medicines.”
It may be a messy event. If there’s stool in your rectum, there may be some leakage. If you’re worried, you can try to empty the pipes before sex or give yourself an enema. Seriously though, you’re sticking stuff in the superpoop highway, and stray turds are a risk you take. It’s really NBD.
A washable throw is your friend. I hate doing laundry, so if I’m going to have potentially messy sex, I pull out my washable, waterproof throw . It works perfectly on top of sheets, sofas, or any other sex-friendly surface, and can easily be thrown in the washer.
It’s OK to hit stop or pause at any point. Consent can be revoked or renegotiated at any time. A lot of people don’t understand that you can be in the middle of an act with somebody — like anal sex — and can put a full-stop on it, at any time, even if you’ve said, “Yes, I want to do this.”
If at first you don’t love anal, give it a second chance. I had some awful anal sex experiences early in my sexual career. For a while, it was off my between-the-sheets menu, and I’m damn glad I gave it a second chance. Not all penises, strap-ons, and partners are created equal, and it took me some time to find the perfect fit. I’m all for sexual agency, but sometimes, some things are worth a second glance.
A version of this story was published June 2019.
Looking for even more adventurous sex positions. Check out our bucket list for 69 (nice) options:
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by The Editors of Men's Health Published: Jan 22, 2016
The editors of Men's Health are your personal conduit to the top experts in the world on all things important to men: health, fitness, style, sex, and more.
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Plus, a sex researcher explains the four keys to helping her enjoy it as much as you do
More and more ladies are putting a welcome mat by the back door: 36 percent of women and 42 percent of men have tried anal sex , according to a new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Butt play has been around since the dawn of time, but it’s become more common over the last 20 or 30 years as the stigma has disappeared, says Kimberly McBride, Ph.D., a sex researcher at the University of Toledo.
Now that Maya Rudolph has screamed about anal bleaching on Bridesmaids and thousands of free anal clips are available on PornHub, more people are interested in testing the waters, she says.
Still, not everyone who tries it makes it a regular part of their sex lives. Only 8 percent of women have had anal in the last month, according to a study from Indiana University.
“A lot of women say that it’s a special occasion thing,” McBride says. “They’ll only do it on his birthday or Valentine’s Day.”
But here’s a little secret: It doesn’t have to be a favor on her part.
“The anus is rich in nerve endings,” says McBride. “If you do it right, it can be a really pleasurable experience for her.”
Follow these steps, and she may be the one to ask for it next time.
This may seem painfully obvious, but McBride says she constantly hears from women who say their guys just ram it in, or claim that “it slipped.” If she’s not relaxed and ready (see Step 2), it’ll just be painful for her.
Ask her if she’s up for trying anal—and hash out any concerns—before you hop into bed, McBride says. Of course, if she’s not into it, you have to respect that.
If she’s game, don’t take it as a blanket approval to go for it anytime you’re fooling around. Check in with her in the moment to see if she’s in the mood for anal.
The anus can be an uncomfortable place to be touched at first. To help her get used to it, start with light butt play before you try penetration, says McBride.
For example, one night you can try just putting a finger or a vibrator on the outside of her anus. (We recommend one of this rechargable vibrator from the Men's Health store.) Another night, lube up a finger and gently insert it. Or experiment with butt plugs.
When you’re both ready to try the real thing, there are two things you need to know about the booty, says McBride.
Two: It’s very sensitive to tearing.
These two facts make it absolutely essential to use lube, and plenty of it.
This organic lubricant from the Men's Health store is a great all-purpose choice.
Despite what you see in porn , thrusting too deeply, too quickly, or too vigorously will just hurt her.
Your best bet: Let her control the depth and speed of penetration, says McBride. You can let her climb on top for a dirty variation of the cowgirl position, do it missionary with her hands guiding your hips, or doggy style with her in charge of backing it up.
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Anal training is a process that helps make anal sex more pleasurable.
Just like your genitalia, the anus has many sensitive nerve endings that can feel nice when stimulated. Also, the prostate is inside men’s anus, which is an extremely sensitive spot that can give mind-blowing prostate orgasms.
However, anal sex can be pleasurable even without a prostate. For women, the stimulation of their A-spot , which is located on the front wall of the vagina, can result in orgasms during anal sex.
Anal sex has a bad reputation, and many people still think it’s painful and is reserved only for people who enjoy pain. But it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable or painful. That’s why anal training is important if you’re looking to enjoy quality anal sex solo or with your partner.
Naturally, you might have some concerns about your health if that’s your first time considering anal training.
Like all other sexual activities you participate in, anal training is considered safe if you take proper measures.
Your anus isn’t naturally self-lubricating like the vagina is. Add the fact that the skin around the anus is sensitive and thin, which makes it prone to tearing, making for a painful situation.
However, if you use lube and make sure to take it slow and listen to your body, the training doesn’t have to be uncomfortable or painful.
Anal training is not going to make your anus permanently enlarged. Your rectum is very flexible and can fit a whole fist (it’s called fisting, and some people find the activity very enjoyable).
So, even if you stretch your anus during the training to accommodate a butt plug or a dildo, it’s going to come back to its normal state once you’re done.
Anal training is also not going to make you loose down there. Just like the vagina doesn’t get loose after having a lot of penetrative sex, the anus is going to come back to its natural state after you’re done playing.
Are you ready to start experimenting? We have an easy and beginner-friendly 8-step routine that’s going to help you get more comfortable with the idea of anal sex and fully enjoy it:
The easiest and most affordable tool is going to be your fingers. Make sure that you clip your nails and clean your hands before. You don’t want to accidentally scratch yourself and get an infection.
If you want to add something else into the mix, then you have a wide array of tools to help you get started:
When choosing the right toys for your training, it’s also important to pay attention to the materials they’re made out of. The toy you choose must be body-safe and non-porous, which means it doesn’t carry the odor as easily.
You might even want to opt for glass or stainless steel as they’re easiest to maintain and clean. However, silicone is also great because it feels good against your skin and might be more pleasurable for a beginner.
You can choose either to anal train solo or with a partner. There are cons and pros to both.
Some people might feel more comfortable trying anal training alone for the first time. You’ll get to set the pace and see how everything feels for the first time without the pressure to perform or please your partner.
If you choose to go in with a partner, then make sure you both are on the same page, and you’re not afraid to communicate. It might be uncomfortable or painful putting anything inside your anus for the first time, and you have to let your partner know immediately if something doesn’t feel right.
Of course, there will be physical preparation involved fo
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