Better Anal
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If you've ever asked people how they feel about anal sex, you already know that's a divided topic. It’s either something you like or don’t like, and it’s rare you find those who are somewhere in the middle. Even if a person hasn’t had it, they probably have an opinion about anal sex and sadly, too often, some people are too willing to dismiss it or, even worse talk smack about it. Wild myths and societal taboos tend to do that. But isn't it fun to dispel myths and engage in as many taboos as possible? I think so. Also anal sex feels really good.
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"Despite the climax-centered design of the bum, anal sex continues to retain its taboo status — at least in theory," Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, PhD., host of the SexWithDrJess Podcast, tells Bustle. "In reality, anal sex is quite common... and orgasm rates are actually higher for [people with vulvas] who include anal play in their erotic repertoire."
That may have something to do with the fact that people with vulvas who have anal often and enjoy it, just might be a little bit more open-minded and adventurous.
Anal sex feels different for everyone. Some say it feels really intense, in a good way, while others like Bustle reader Colleen, explained it like this: “You know when you really have to poop, and you're in a public place and there's no place for you to go, so you have to wait, and you're really, really uncomfortable? Like, you almost don't even want to breathe or sneeze because you're afraid of what might happen and you're just this huge ball of unhappiness and tension? You can't enjoy anything in the world and you can't concentrate?”
Yup: that’s what anal feels like to her. But anal sex doesn’t have to feel bad or weird or dirty or gross. Anal can feel pretty awesome, if both you and your partner know what you’re doing. If you’ve yet to have a positive anal experience, then let's turn that around for you. Here are eight hacks to make anal sex better, like way better.
One of the big anal sex anxieties, is whether or not it's going to hurt. And because this is can be a real concern for those on the receiving end, those concerns need to be communicated.
"Anal sex should not be painful," O'Reilly says. "So proceeding gradually in terms of speed, depth, and the size of the inserted object is of paramount importance."
O'Reilly suggests focusing on your breathing and deepening it as you prepare your body and mind.
"Then begin with a very small object like your pinky finger," O'Reilly says, before increasing the size gradually."
If you address your concerns and make your partner aware of everything you're thinking about when it comes to anal, you can have a dialogue that will make the experience all that much better for both of you.
I have always believed that in order to enjoy anything to the fullest degree, you need to have a really good grasp on how it all works. For starters, your butt has a lot of nerves, so there’s that. There’s also the important — and exciting — fact that all genders can enjoy anal because we all have a butt!
"Become acquainted with your bum," O'Reilly says. "Your ass is a thing of wonder, but since you probably don’t know this nether region like the back of our hand, you’ll want to do some exploring before you venture into the exciting land of anal play."
As O'Reilly explains, the anus — that pucker that some might call their bum/ass hole — is highly responsive to physical attention.
"It's rich in nerve endings and responsive to light touch," O'Reilly says. Being aware of just how sensitive this spot is is an important piece of knowledge to have in your pocket when it comes to making anal sex better.
"If you do decide to venture inside, you’ll enter the anal canal, which is less than a few inches long and rich in highly responsive nerve endings," O'Reilly says. "Comprised of soft tissue folds, this area has a good capacity for expansion and is sensitive to touch, pressure, and temperature." Which is why anal feels as good as it does.
According to O'Reilly, inside there are two sphincter muscles, "ring-like oval structures that help to hold the canal in shape." O'Reilly suggests sliding a lubed finger inside during a shower to really see what it feels like in there.
"You’ll feel the external sphincter, which you can contract and release at will (the way you might flex and relax your biceps) less than an inch beyond the opening," O'Reilly says. "The internal sphincter is just a little deeper, but because this smooth muscle ring is controlled by the autonomic nervous system (which manages automatic bodily functions like heartbeat and perspiration), it remains in a state of contraction."
Although you can't exercise complete control over this internal sphincter, as O'Reilly explains, "just as you can slow your heart rate through breathing and mindfulness, so too can you help relax this sensitive muscle through relaxation and deep breaths."
When we know how things work, it helps us be less apprehensive about it — and breathing and relaxing are major hacks when it comes to anal sex.
Once you have a good idea of what's going on in your ass, it's time to experiment with what you like and what you don't like. I mean, masturbation exists for a reason, and one of those reasons, besides feeling amazing, is to learn about your body.
"As a general rule, the best way to venture into unchartered sexual territory is to experiment on your own before bringing a partner into the equation," O'Reilly says. "This is because solo sex helps to detract from performance pressure, and when we’re alone we often allow our natural bodily responses to flow more freely."
As O'Reilly explains, if you're curious about butt play but not sure as to how to even tackle it, start with your own bum. Play with it, tease, include some lube to feel different sensations. It will give you a good idea as to how it might feel when you try it with your partner.
Although for some, anal sex is only penetration, that doesn't have to necessarily be the case. Sex encompasses so many different acts.
"There is nothing in the rule book that says you must include penetration in your anal sex practice," O'Reilly says. "A good exercise for newbies to build trust and become familiar with new sensations is to enjoy anal play."
O'Reilly suggests licking, sucking, kissing, giving massages, and basically seeing what feels good — with the promise of no penetration. Taking anal penetration off the table not only subtracts pressure, but that experimentation makes things a lot better.
And, let's be honest, if there was a rule book that said sex needed to include penetration, well, how boring that would be? There's so much more more to explore.
Similar to when you're giving oral sex to a person with a vulva, you don't need to be completely focused on the clitoris to give your partner pleasure. Same goes for when it comes to anal play.
"Don’t get hung up exclusively on the butt," O'Reilly says. "We all have a tendency to get fixated on a body part or sex act when we’re excited, nervous, or trying something out for the first time. But there is no reason that you have to focus exclusively on the bum during anal play.
Considering you have a spare hand, or maybe even two spare hands if you're giving a rim job, put them to work.
"Double your pleasure and use a spare hand to rub their clitoris or stroke their cock to produce arousal patterns with which your brain and body are already familiar," O'Reilly says.
OK! So you've made it through all these anal sex hacks and you want more. What does that mean? You're ready for anal sex toys!
"If you decide that anal penetration is something you enjoy, you may want to invest in an anal trainer kit, which includes various sizes of toys and plugs with flared bases for safety," O'Reilly says. "Start with the smallest one, holding it completely still at first and notice the way your body responds as you allow your muscles to relax around its girth."
From there, slowly work your way up to different lengths and girths. Let it take days, weeks, or even months — you're not in a rush.
"Sex is not a race to the finish line," O'Reilly says. "And incremental experimentation can lead to mind-blowing results."
Want to really have your mind blown during anal sex? Then hold off as long as you possibly can.
"Shelve penetration until you’re highly aroused," O'Reilly says. "It is often a good idea to hold off on penetration until you’re decidedly excited, as arousal can help you to relax and have a palliative effect on your body."
O'Reilly suggests getting yourself all riled up with other body parts before, well, going for the gold (anal), so to speak.
"Once you’ve incorporated butt-play into the mix, don’t abandon your tried-and-true routines entirely," O'Reilly says. "Instead, start by making backdoor pleasure an addendum to your regular repertoire as opposed to an alternative."
And just like that, your sexual menu gets a new course.
It sometimes feels like anal sex is synonymous with doggy style, but it doesn't have to be. As much as the doggy style position feels great vaginally, during anal sex with a partner with a penis, it’s something you might want to skip, because it gives you less control.
If you have anal in the missionary position, you can communicate better with your partner as to what depth of penetration works for you. If you don’t want that eye contact, the spooning position is also great for anal sex. In spooning during anal, you get to decide just how deep and how fast you want to be penetrated. If you're being pegged or otherwise using a toy, talk to your partner about what position feels best for you.
Anal sex isn't for everyone and that's totally fine! But if it's something you want to try or something you have tried, and want to make it more enjoyable, these eight hacks are exactly what you need.
Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, sexologist and author
This article was originally published on Jan. 28, 2016
2021 Bustle Digital Group. All rights reserved.
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You warm up before you work out, and you do anal foreplay before you go for anal sex.
You might think “anal play” means sticking stuff up your butt, and while that’s certainly part of it, anal play can encompass many a butt-centric sexual activity, like rimming, or anal massage. You can totally engage in anal foreplay without having to have penetration of any kind (be it a toy, a finger, a dildo, a penis) go up you your partner’s bum. Whether you’re just looking to change things up, or just want to take your time with backdoor foreplay before you do dive into penetrative anal sex, anal foreplay can be a super pleasurable addition to anyone’s sex life. The great thing about anuses is everyone’s got one, so you can give and receive to your heart’s content if you so choose.
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Nowadays, anal sex is no longer the ~taboo~ subject it once was, which is a good thing! Lots of women who've been there and done that say it's a welcome addition to their sexual repertoire. But just like you must walk before you can run, you must have some sort of anal foreplay before you go for the full monty of anal sex. Or, you know, you can do butt play and leave it at that forever, because it's your booty and you make the rules.
A Complete Beginner’s Guide to Anal Sex
You (hopefully) already know the basics: ALWAYS use lube, never put something that was in your butt in your mouth or vagina, and butt plugs are your friend. But there's so much more to know about anal play, and so here, several sexperts break down their best anal foreplay tips for both first-timers and experienced butt travelers. Happy butt stuff!
Regardless of if there’s any penetration going on, anything with anal requires lots of trust and relaxation, safety, and comfort, says Tia Evagelou, sex and relationship expert.
“Sometimes people try to [have sex] through it, instead of speaking up, because they don’t want to ruin the moment for the other partner or they don’t know how to formulate their needs and sometimes even override their body’s resistance, potentially adding more discomfort to the experience,” says Evagelou. Having pre-set safe words will make you and your partner feel supported and safer to explore.
“This can’t be emphasized enough,” says Evagelou. “When we are tense, contracting [our muscles], or disconnected from our experience, we are blocking our pathways to pleasure,” she adds. If you relax and breathe, you’ll likely be able to feel more pleasurable sensation.
“Let them know what you are doing and ask for their permission to do so,” says Evagelou. This might take a bit longer, but it’s well worth it, as it establishes trust, safety, and connection for both to have an enjoyable experience. Plus, active consent is sexy, IDC what anyone says.
While you might think the receiver takes a more passive role, have them guide the penetration to their satisfaction. This can feel empowering as they get to control the speed, depth, and angle of penetration in allowing their body to feel good, says Evagelou.
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Vanessa Geffrard, MPH, a sexpert for Lovers, recommends silicone-based lube, like UberLube as it lasts longer compared to water-based lubes and you’ll need less of it. Just keep in mind that not all silicone lubes are safe with silicone toys (some are and some aren’t, so there’s no flat rule for this unfortch.
Your best bet is to google the toy you’re working with and double check as it should be listed in their product info), in which case, water-based lube is safer. And hey, water-based lube is still way better than spit —or at worse, nothing. Eeek!
If trying anal foreplay with a partner is like your olympics, it makes sense that you might want to try it beforehand in a lower stakes environment. Geffrard recommends the Fun Factory Limba M Dildo as the smooth, bendable nature of the toy allows for easy angle changes for what’s comfiest for you, and there’s a suction cup on the bottom allowing you to “practice” anywhere with a flat surface, like your bedroom or the shower.
Of course, having your period shouldn’t make you miss out on sex, but if you’re squeamish about having vaginal sex on your period, anal might be a good substitute in those times. “Many women report feeling more pleasure practicing anal sex during their periods while wearing a menstrual cup inside their vaginas,” says Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy. The menstrual cup is thought to stimulate the internal walls of their vagina, which can be an added plus to the sensation of anal sex.
Foreplay is so important because you have to “ring the doorbell” before entering, explains Isharna Walsh, founder/creator of Coral, a sexual wellness app. “Massage and warm up the anus before entering anything inside,” she says. Be a good guest (even if it’s your own bootyhole), and don’t just Kool-Aid Man yourself through the door.
Some people who use toys learn to have a small handkerchief close by, so they can rest their toy on a “safe” spot when they aren’t using it, explains Angela Watson, of DoctorClimax.com. Having little details like this worked out ahead of time can give you more freedom to enjoy the experience and not stress about little things.
It’s worth it to take 15-20 minutes giving the receiving partner a sacral massage (aka the portion of the lower back just above the butt crack), says Walsh. “The muscles and nerve endings in the sacrum extend to the whole pelvic girdle and can help release tension,” she adds. Plus, massages always feel good and anything relaxing is a bonus, always.
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“Having your back door be a part of sexual play does not mean you need to have anal sex,” says Gigi Engle, sexpert for Womanizer. While internal stimulation can be great too, “you can achieve just as much pleasure without ever putting anything into the anus,” explains Engle. “Massage or lick around the anus,” she adds, as it’s full of nerve endings that can provide pleasure in and of itself.
“Having clitoral stimuation is super important during anal play because it helps a vulva-owner to relax and become fully aroused — both critical steps in enjoying butt stuff,” according to Engle. You can try a traditional vibrator, or go for a suction toy like the Womanizer Liberty, which Engle recommends.
Suction toys simulate oral sex, so while your partner might only be able to give you oral attention to one spot at a time, with a suction toy you can feel like they’re going down on your clit while they rim you.
Warming lube can help heighten pleasure and make you even more comfortable in the moment. “The heat that is created actually helps to bring blood flow to the area and help increase stimulation to the pleasure receptors in the rectum/anus,” explains Dr. Niket Sonpal, MD, of Brookdale Hospital Medical Center. The active ingredient in these heated lubricants is propylene glycol, says Dr. Sonpal, which is the same substance used in Fireball Whiskey. Some other brands use capsaicin, aka the active ingredient found in peppers. In either case, heated lubricants should be fine for both anal and vaginal use (not in the same sex session, just like, you don’t need to buy a separate, dedicated warming lube for your butt ONLY, is what we mean). Just be careful when touching your eyes, Dr. Sonpal warns! K-Y makes a warming lubricant that’s readily available that Dr. Sonpal recommends, or Sliquid Organics' warming formula.
There are a bunch of li'l muscles around your anus that can be pretty tight if you're not relaxed. And as logic follows, if those muscles and your anal sphincter are tight, inserting anything can be painful and difficult rather than pleasurable and easy. Try something like deep breathing or a relaxing massage with your partner to make sure both you and your bum muscles are sufficiently chilled out, pre-anal play.
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Listen... All sex can sometimes be messy, and anal sex and foreplay is no exception. If this is gonna stress you out to the point that you're unable to relax and enjoy yourself, try prepping your space ahead of time. Like, maybe strip the fancy sheets off your bed or cover your comforter with a soft, washable blanket.
The butt is full of nerves (hence, the point of
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