Beta Male Dating
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Beta Male Dating
I’m Dating A Passive Man with Beta Male Traits. Is His Behavior Normal?
Alpha Males vs. Beta Males , Understanding Men
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I love your blog and Why He Disappeared. It can be a tough pill to swallow at times, but I appreciate your no-nonsense advice. I’ve had to learn the hard way, that my “go-getter” attitude does not translate well in the dating world. Not doing anything in the beginning stages of dating tends to drive me crazy.
I’ve been dating a beta-male for about a month and a half. He’s a total sweetheart and for the first time in a long time, I feel very safe. He’s kind, attentive and affectionate- when we’re together. He communicates with me daily, mostly through text message, to which I always respond warmly.
Here’s where I’m struggling: I find myself wanting to take over and take control with him sometimes (planning things mostly). I am resisting this urge as I’m trying out your mirroring concept.
My question: We’re texting everyday, but he’ll wait FOREVER, (in actuality, 5-7 days) before asking to see me again. What gives? Is this a downside of dating a typical beta (i.e., no initiative) or is he just not that interested in me? Do I continue to utilize patience or should I move on?
Thanks for reading “Why He Disappeared — The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever” . Glad it turned on a few light bulbs in helping you realize how a few of your behaviors have been ineffective in forging a relationship with a man.
But I have to say that if I had to write the whole thing again, I would have taken a few pages to put in a caveat:
This advice doesn’t work for every single woman in every single situation with every single guy. Basically, WHD was written for alpha females who want to date alpha males. It was a way to open your eyes about how the men you’re the MOST attracted to don’t necessarily want to date you in return.
And in the absence of giving yourself an entire personality-ectomy, the smartest thing you can do is a) be aware of some of your tendencies to dominate and b) find a partner who is cool with them.
You, apparently, have done both of those things, Michelle. But while you’ve adjusted your take-charge attitude, you haven’t adjusted for the fact that you’re NOT dating a take-charge guy.
While you’ve adjusted your take-charge attitude, you haven’t adjusted for the fact that you’re NOT dating a take-charge guy.
Take charge guys are the ones who will always follow up quickly, make plans, make the first move, and claim you as their girlfriends.
Beta males are the ones who have more kindness than confidence. They’re not nearly as assertive. They’re so passive as to be, well, almost feminine in nature. They are not going to put themselves on the line for rejection until it’s 100% clear that you like them. They would sooner wait to get a written notice in the mail that you’re really, truly interested in them than to follow up too much and potentially make you uncomfortable.
So you’re not wrong to curb a little bit of that domineering side. Where you’ve gone astray is that when you’re with a man with beta male traits , you’re ALLOWED to be more alpha. “Doing nothing,” as I describe in Why He Disappeared, works with take-charge guys because those guys don’t need you to take charge
So instead of extrapolating my advice to apply to every man, make an adjustment based on the man you’re actually dating. The good news is that, if he’s a true beta, he’ll be THRILLED that you’re taking control.
The good news is that, if he’s a true beta, he’ll be THRILLED that you’re taking control.
When you’re done reading this, give him a call to find out if he’s around this weekend. You’d like to cook him dinner. I suspect that’s all you’ll need to seduce him into becoming your boyfriend. And if, in fact, he’s just not that into you, you’ll figure that out quickly, too.
For all of the women who are reading this who would not be able to tolerate such behavior from your guy and prefer a take-charge man, do yourself a favor and pick up a copy of “Why He Disappeared” . You’ll be very glad you did.
I wish I read this 6 months ago when I was dating a beta male cause I thought he just wasnt into me and we had many conversations about that. He accepted me planning everything and anything but I am a beta female and there was 18 years age difference so I think that was what bothered me too. He was not bothered by the age difference but could easily go 2-3 weeks without seeing me….but would call me every day and text every day. I just couldn’t keep it up after 9 months that he would never make a plan or cancel due to work. I got the vibe he just wasn’t that interested in me and broke up with him. He was a great guy too but figured he would eventually want to get married and have kids with someone. I’m typically attracted to alpha males so I was very confused by his behavior. After 6 months I asked him what we were and he said “you want me to be your boyfriend” then we are boyfriend/girlfriend! Never took initiative to plan anything fun and when he did something would always come up and we had to go to Plan B. Interested to hear from other ladies on here….
I think the main issue here and the part left out of EMK’s advice is that just because a man is more beta, that doesn’t mean he is head over heels for any woman he might have some degree of interest in. He might be shy, might tend toward passivity, might need a woman to take more of the initiative. But he could be all of these things and also think she’s fun but not “the one.” So even if she has correctly pegged him as a beta, due to his wishy washy behavior, that woman still does not know what his actual level of interest in her is.
Women are *assuming* that the hesitance of certain men is due to their personalities when in reality, they don’t know whether such men are hesitant for the same reason a lukewarm alpha might be hesitant–he’s just not that into her–or whether they are super into these women but just don’t have the wherewithal to pursue more assertively. She just doesn’t know.
A man who cancels dates and doesn’t make places and is not internally motivated to move things forward should be treated according to his actions. Instead of trying to get inside his head and decide what he must really be thinking or feeling, the much superior path is the one where a woman simply moves on to a man who can communicate clearly in word and deed that she is a priority to him.
Maybe you shall focus more on what?YOU want instead.
Yeah, I think this is pretty awesome advice, Evan. I used to date Alpha males but have moved on to sweeter, more gentle Omegas (I prefer to think of them as not Betas, which to me implies one step Lower than Alphas, but rather just miles away in terms of personality, behaviours and goals). I’d wait for them to take action and would feel confused and unsure of their intentions when they seemed passive.
I think you ought to write another book, Evan, on how to attract, keep and be happy with wonderful Beta/Omega men. Even how to figure out if a guy is an Alpha or not; it can be hard to tell with some of these successful, nerdy, techie-types.
Communicate but, never try to control or change someone.
Beta is one thing but Omeg??? yikes why would you want that ? A beta 2nd in command and omega is literately the scape goat bottom of the pecking order.
have we learned nothing from Jurassic world?
the omega is the proper term for the lowest in rank, and usually hangs out with the alpha for protection and the alphas normally like this as an omega unlike a beta, is not perceived as a threat
its quite common to see this in wolf packs, and i think its sweet
A mixture of both would be ideal 🙂
I think of myself as both. More alpha then beta but go beta once in awhile
Hooray for beta males…Alpha males can be annoying anyway…
“When you’re done reading this, give him a call to find out if he’s around this weekend. You’d like to cook him dinner.”
So … dude gets dinner and the company of his lovely gf. She has to call him up & invite him, make the plans, buy the groceries, plan the meal, make the whole thing (three courses at least, I’m sure), find the time to decorate both the house and herself, and charm him all evening …?
I hope dude brings at minimum his best behavior, some thanks for the excellent meal, and two bottles of her favorite wine. Oh – and an oxygen mask.
It wouldn’t hurt if he threw something into the $$ pot for the groceries either. It’s not just working men who are feeling the effects of the recession. Working women feel it too.
Anybody else feel like emotional, not to mention concrete, reciprocity in relationships is not just slipping, but being actively shoved, through the cracks of what we continue to call modern society …?
P.S. EMK – nice, nice job on Marni’s panel the other evening. It’s good to know that sometimes it’s not so much some of your concepts I take issue with as it is said concepts’ written delivery (which — as speech and written language come from two different brain centers — I at times suspected, but couldn’t actually verify without having had the privilege of listening to that silky baritone 🙂 ).
Further, on the blog, there are a lot of topics where men are actively encouraged to use their relationship-relevant leverage, and women are exhorted to just work around it (I know “men won’t change, so women have to” is a pretty fundamental tenet to the work so it’s never going away, but at least the fundamental inequity & imbalance therein is at least apparent when it’s set up like that – and of course women “get” to choose whether or not to work with it) … whereas the talk seemed much more focused on finding, and communicating around, the Venn diagrammed points in relationship where men’s and women’s interests do in fact intersect. (See, I paid really close attention. 🙂 )
So, in short, thank you so much for doing that. You were great.
Any compliment coming from you, m, is a meaningful one. You’re a tough audience. Thanks for the shout-out.
M does seem to have understood this stuff at an advanced level…
Ugh, I can’t stand people like this, whether it’s a romantic, professional, or platonic situation. I have a lot of courage and confidence and reciprocity is very important to me — I want someone who can engage on an equal level. Somebody this slow would be a poor match for me.
“reciprocity is very important to me – I want someone who can engage on an equal level. ” I agree with u Jenna -100 percent. I prefer a guy who will definitely take the initiative. Yep. U see as the first poster basically said, if u make all the plans, one might get the impression that the man is not all that into u. Based on all that I have learnt from the three coaches I follow up, especially the very first one who I followed up really closely, when I was making all the plans, calling him and taking the initiative to do a lot of stuff, I was CHASING HIM. That’s right. And that DRIVES MEN AWAY. I am not going to chase any man again. I want a man who will take the initiative to call, make plans for dinner and so on. You must take the lead for me. I am not going to take the masculine role. Nope. Evan, if you are reading this, I will definitely have to invest in “why he disappeared”, as that is exactly what happened to me in my last relationship. I have to buy this book between now and my birthday (end of November).
Actually Karen, it was a good thing YOU were the one doing the CHASING, because chasing is what the woman does. Chasing exhibits feminine energy. You’re supposed to be chase him because it lets him know you’re into him. However it’s his, ‘the man’s’, job to simply set dates with you, hang out, and hook up. It’s all about having fun together. Dating and love is supposed to be playful and fun, not serious.
Here’s my constructive criticism part, I think your definition of a beta male, and probably of an alpha male, is messed up, because you are probably one of the 97% of the population out there who buys into the media, film, movies, TV shows, and other junk that rots your brain and makes you stupid.
Second, and this is IMPORTANT, just because you were making plans and calling him and stuff, doesn’t necessarily mean you were chasing him.
You’re confused believing that taking charge and chasing are the same thing, when it’s NOT.
I’m probably not the best person to be telling you something like this, especially since you didn’t ask for it, so I apologize in advance if I offended you. Have a good day. God bless Karen 🙂
“Second, and this is IMPORTANT, just because you were making plans and calling him and stuff, doesn’t necessarily mean you were chasing him.
You’re confused believing that taking charge and chasing are the same thing, when it’s NOT.”. Something to think about. I hope Evan sees what u said Tim. I would love to hear his imput. Its a good thing I stopped and glanced at the email when it came in as I am super busy. This is definitely something to think about and I would love to have Evan as the coach give his expert advice on this. Thanks for your comments and may God bless u too Tim.
There’s another dating coach, who hasn’t posted on here in a while that says the exact opposite. So who do we believe? Your life coach or the other one?
Sorry, bud. Women shouldn’t chase men. They shouldn’t have to. If a guy is into her, he’ll make plans with her. If he’s not, he won’t.
You’re simply saying that women should chase YOU because YOU won’t show genuine interest because your life coach points out (accurately) that women often respond to mixed messages. I come from a different point of view.
If you’re a REALLY confident guy, you can do whatever you want and women will respond. If she likes you, she’ll be THRILLED that you were consistent and kind, rather than aloof and mysterious.
You are entitled to live your life as if your paradigm is a healthy one, but for women who are looking for husbands? Your advice of chasing men down as “feminine” behavior is all sorts of wrong.
Chasing is 100% MASCULINE ENERGY behaviour. You sound like one of those silly coaches like wayne or other PUA’s. Sorry man but this is a serious blog with serious people. Through your PUA ill reasoning somewhere else.
So I guess this makes everything a bit more vague for me. If he’s not asking you out is it because he’s not interested or because he’s beta? My default stance is to believe its because he’s not interested and move on. The only truly beta men I’ve gone out with have followed up right away, were very interested but put me on a pedestal and made me feel uncomfortable with the enthusiasm they have towards me that I didn’t really earn.
That’s because you and other self entitled alpha wannabes think respect should be earned.respect should be automatically given until you find out the person doesn’t deserve it.backwards alpha wannabes while your think ing your the greatest I’ll be working to self improve on things that will make me an all around better person.
Did I turn you down for a second date Andre?
As a follow up, my partner now is a bit more beta, he’s quiet, shy, very romantic. He never has held back in stepping up the relationship. He was never so beta that he didn’t ask for everything he wanted, from second dates, to exclusivity, to moving in. So I still believe my original statement that men not asking you out again means they are disinterested.
Because it bothers me that you say in your first comment, that when men put you on a pedestal, especially when you didn’t do anything to deserve it, makes you feel uncomfortable, which I agree with because my life coach says often in his videos that kind of sh*t turns women off, and it does, and your comment even PROVES it.
HOWEVER, I’m replying to your statement, ‘that men not asking you out again means they are disinterested’. Let’s break this down, you said the word, ‘AGAIN’, which implies, and how I see it, some guy asked you out, you said no, he walks and never looks back, end of story, but YOUR problem is, he DOESN’T ask you out again…WHY would he come back to you after you rejected him? WHY would he CHASE you?
Men should NEVER EVER chase women, because that ALWAYS exhibits needy, desperate, and feminine energy, and that’s a HUGE turn off for women, despite all the bullsh*t you see on tv and in movies and media and film and all that other stuff, because in those romantic comedies, instead of restraining orders that should be given to those stupid clingy beta men, they get the girl, but that’s not how REAL LIFE works.
Or you could just be a b*tch and like that kind of masochistic behavior, and if that’s the case, you need to see a shrink.
I apologize if I offended you, I’m only trying to help, as I asked my life coach for help, but of course you didn’t ask for my opinion on here, so, sorry anyways I guess lol 🙂
That was as subtle as a flying mallet. Put some insults in the response, then cover it with “oh, sorry to offend”, and “God bless”. Methinks “the life coach” is a PUA guy.
some men wownt ask you out because they think you will say no, also some men are too nervous to ask you out. In fact in my case, the more I liked someone the less likely id be to ask them out because I know id look nervous and if I screwed it up itd be over for good ! beta men will always be very nervous asking women out, because of this the woman says no, beause of this the man loses more confidence and inds it harder to ask the next one out, who inevitably says no because your nervous ! Its the nervs that mean they are really really keen !
So, Peter, ask out women who you’re less keen on and just like a little bit.
If you ask out a 10 as a nervous beta, then, ya, she’ll likely say no.
If you ask out a girl in your league (assuming you know what that is) or below it, then you wouldn’t be as nervous.
Unless you’re saying you’re nervous asking out any girls, even those you consider average or below average.
Ask out the nicest girl you know instead of the prettiest. You might find that
Shy Dating
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