Best Sex Party

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Best Sex Party
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Carina Hsieh
Sex & Relationships Editor
Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals. 

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"It's a big myth that sex parties are a free-for-all."
Woman A: I started about five years ago, when I first started to explore open relationships. The first parties I went to were with my best friend at the time (also a sex worker [like I am]) and a casual partner who was also dating that same friend! Going to parties seemed like a natural extension of testing out the boundaries a bit more in my personal life.
Person B: I attended my first sex party at 18. At the time, I was beginning to explore both non-monogamy and kink. Luckily had some new friends who were enthusiastic about welcoming me into spaces that would further facilitate that exploration. I didn't have a partner at the time and largely went to sex parties with friends.
Woman A: It's a big myth that sex parties are a free-for-all. Most people end up playing with the friends and lovers they arrived with, and that was certainly my experience. It was a bit more fun because of the sexually charged atmosphere, i.e. the attractive people having sex all around us!
Person B: Frankly, complicated. At that point in time I largely had not done enough exploration to feel comfortable as a sexual being, especially as a queer person who could finally be out safely. The parties I was invited to were very much straight-leaning and also had a problematic culture around consent. There were abusive men in positions of power, no infrastructure for dealing with consent violations, as well as an unhealthy drug culture. I never actually played at them, just went to watch and hang out. I still found the experience useful as it normalized alternative relationships and lifestyles for me. More importantly, I collected information over the years on what I think makes a great play party as well as the various issues that arise — as a result I think the play parties I throw are wonderful, safe, and sexy spaces.
Woman A: The atmosphere. I tend to go with a big group of friends now, and it's an opportunity to do big scenes that realistically would never do at home. Big scenes refers to ambitious BDSM fantasies that might require special equipment that one doesn't have at home (like cages) or anything that might involve a bigger group of participants. For example, gang bang fantasies, or a fantasy with a large group of masked voyeurs a la Eyes Wide Shut. Anything like inviting fifteen people into my living room to do something like that is sadly less practical and less likely to happen at home. The exhibitionist/voyeuristic aspect is quite fun as well.
Person B: There are so many elements — group sex, exhibitionism, voyeurism, building community with fellow sexual deviants (I say that fondly). In general being in a space filled with people who are sexually liberated is a wonderful feeling.
Woman A: About once or twice a month, depending on schedule. A lot of kink parties in London [where I live] are essentially club nights where there is also a play room, so my friends and I treat it as a night out.
Person B: Multiple times a month, typically, but that's partially because I throw my own play parties.
Woman A: I think it would have to be part of a larger conversation about non-monogamy, i.e. are you and your partner into having sex with other people? That's a difficult topic to raise, but I think every couple should talk about it, even if the answer is a resounding "no". That said, there are plenty of monogamous people who go to sex parties — they just enjoy having sex with each other with other people around.
Person B: I can see this going a number of different ways, honestly. I've been non-monogamous since I was a teenager and have always pursued similarly minded people. Many non-monogamous folks will be a lot more open to going to a sex party than monogamous folks.
Woman A: If you've decided you do want to go to sex parties and have sex with other people, you should talk about your boundaries. Are you happy for your partner to play with new people, or only with existing partners? What sort of conversation would you like to have with your partner if they think they might get lucky with a new person? Do you have any boundaries about seeing your partner have sex, and what arrangements would you need to make about that? Some couples I know prefer not to go to parties together, because they find it difficult to connect with new people if the other's around, so that's something to talk about as well.
Person B: I think broaching the topic as a shared experience you want to have as well as making sure to thoroughly create boundaries and expectations is a safe bet.
Woman A: Usually I just have sex with my existing friends and partners, though very occasionally I'll meet a new person there. I'm bisexual, but I don't have sex with couples very often. I'm very into exhibitionism though, so I do like to play while others are watching and then talk to the people I'm having sex with about the people watching.
Person B: I think it's a false binary to think of sex parties as couples vs singles. For me, a relationship anarchist, I may have multiple partners at one party and not necessarily play with any or all of them. My night at a play party may include meeting new people, chatting, dancing, sex with multiple people throughout the night (sometimes one on one and sometimes group), and kink scenes. I think exhibitionism and voyeurism are natural but I don't tend to center those experiences.
Woman A: In Britain it's just like at a normal party — small talk, commenting on their outfits. It takes a bit of flirting and sensing the vibe before you directly ask someone about sex. British people are scrupulously polite though, and I've found people can be more direct though!
Person B: As you or I might anywhere else — there's no need to make it weird! I've made wonderful new non-sex friends at many sex parties. When it comes to approaching people for potential play, it's fair game to approach someone and ask if they're interested in get spanked or tying you up or making out — don't expect a yes, though. I ultimately prefer striking up a casual conversation and seeing where that may organically lead though.
Woman A: I'm much less likely to come at sex parties, and often do more kinky play that's less genital focused anyway. Orgasm is kind of less the point; it's more about the overall experience.
Person B: I'm not sure I've noticed any difference, but I generally don't center my sexual experience around orgasm anyways.
Woman A: I usually like to go with a big group of friends, including partners. If I'm feeling particularly outgoing, I go with more casual friends so I'm more free to meet people and do my own thing.
Person B: With friends, overwhelmingly — though keep in mind I have sex with most of my friends. I find sex parties most enjoyable when I'm around at least some people I know and have been intimate with but don't feel committed to sharing the entire experience with one person.
Woman A: Different parties have different rules about this. Some are very strict about staring at people playing, and you can speak to a playroom monitor if someone is making you uncomfortable. Some places even have quite private little cubicles or corners to go with your partners. Other parties are all about the exhibitionism.
Person B: Well, two things: if the sex party is good, there will be enough going on that you'll hardly be the center of attention. Also, it's perfectly acceptable to ask folks not to watch you! I'd also add that finding a more discreet spot at the party is helpful too.
Woman A: The most important thing to know is about the party's consent culture, and how serious the organizers seems about it — there'll be rules posted everywhere, maybe a little talk as you enter the party, people monitoring the play areas, etc. It's usually a good sign if there are at least a few women among the organizers as well. Good parties will often have some system of screening guests (even if it's a short chat with the organizers, or a requirement that people come with a friend).
It's difficult to generalize about finding good parties. Google is your friend. You can also go on Fetlife, the kinky social network, which allows you to look at many of the events in your geographical area. This isn't a guarantee that things will be safe or well-organized though, so follow the guidelines above!
Person B: I started my own [parties] out of frustration as I found there to be a lack of safe and sexy play parties. Ultimately, word of mouth is best — find your most consent oriented sex party going pal and ask them what parties they like! A good party will communicate rules around consent and how they deal with consent violations beforehand as well as having designated folks helping keep the space safe and be there to help if a situation should arise.
Woman A: I'd say check it out, but keep your expectations low. Aiming to have the best sex of your life your first time is unrealistic and will probably lead to disappointment. Go with the expectation of having a good party and meeting some interesting people — people are generally more interesting and open-minded than at a mainstream party.
Person B: Keep an open mind, enter with no expectations, be respectful, and don't take yourself too seriously.

By Zachary Zane Published: Oct 6, 2020
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"Nothing I can say will prepare you properly for it," were the exact words I was told before heading to my first sex party at the ripe young age of 24. While I did feel woefully underprepared at my first official group sex event, that's not because sex parties are mysterious and ineffable. They can indeed be described, and they should be for newbies looking to get into the scene.
The thing is, each sex party is drastically different, and therein lies the problem. I've been to parties where before getting down to business, all the guests sit in a circle, say their names, sexual orientations, pronouns, and what they're hoping to do sexually that evening, even specifying with whom. These parties are typically for people of all genders, and there's an emphasis on consent and creating a warm, welcoming space. They have moderators you can talk to if you feel unsafe or if someone is harassing you. If someone is being a creep, they get kicked out. Period.
Then I've been to sex parties where asking to touch is actually frowned upon, since it "takes people out of the moment." These parties are typically cruisier, black-lit, gay sex parties. I even went to a party at a club in Amsterdam where all the bottoms (receptive anal sex partners) agreed to bend over and be blindfolded. The whole "schtick" of the event was that these men could not see who they were having sex with.
Depending on your sexual interests, this either sounds incredibly hot or downright terrifying.
Obviously, the two sex parties I described above are very different. Being bi, I like to attend numerous sex events that fall on both ends of the spectrum (and everywhere in between). I like the chill, let's get to know everyone first type of sex party, but I also like that bend me over the desk, I don't know who you are, please God take me, Daddy type of sex party.
Recognizing the diversity of the sex party options out there, here's what you should know before attending a sex party, according to a guy who's both hosted and attended more than 100 parties.
If it’s your first time ever attending a sex party, you probably don’t want to go to a party where everyone starts fucking the moment they step through the doors. It might help you ease into things by attending a more social party, so you can talk to folks and get to know them before undressing. Many sex clubs have events such as performances or sexy games before all the actual sex starts.
To find one of those nights, simply Google “sex clubs [in your city].” From there, you’ll likely find a list of sex clubs. Go to each club’s site, see what the deal with membership is, and then head to their events page to see a list of their upcoming parties.
If this is an official play party, there will be clear rules about what you should wear, how you should behave, how to specifically ask for (enthusiastic) consent, and what happens if you violate those rules. ( Spoiler : You'll be kicked out and never be allowed to return, so don't be a jackass and respect people's boundaries.) Familiarize yourself with the rules before attending, so nothing catches you off-guard.
Note: you won’t find a sex party that allows you to take pictures of the folks inside without their consent. Most sex clubs ban photography altogether. If you meet someone and for whatever reason, just need to take a photo with them, go to the bathroom and take a selfie, just the two of you.
A number of mixed-gender play parties won't let single men attend by themselves. You need to have a sexual partner with you. Even if they don't mandate having someone, I highly recommend you attend with a partner. That person can be someone you're sleeping with or simply a friend. It can feel a bit awkward walking around by yourself at these parties, and some folks may unwittingly judge you—assuming you're a creep—if you're out on the prowl by yourself.
Also, sex is not guaranteed at these parties at all. By going with someone you're sexual with, there's a lot better chance you'll get laid, both by your partner but also by others. Most folks at these parties are coupled up and are looking for another pair to swing with . They're not (often) looking for the rogue stallion.
If you want to go to a party and are open to any and everything on your first night there, good for you. To be honest, I was somewhat like that, but I know this isn’t the case for everyone. Some folks don’t feel comfortable having sex their first time. Whatever your decision is, that’s fine, but make it prior to attending. You can easily get “swept up” in the moment, and you may end up doing something that you later regret. This is also why it’s great to have a buddy. You can hold one another accountable.
(I once attended a sex party with a friend of mine who drinks alcohol when she feels uncomfortable in social situations. Alas, she finds she gets sloppy and makes bad sexual decisions when she’s drunk. She made me promise to stop her if she was drinking. So when I saw her taking a shot of tequila, I promptly ran up to her, said “Nope,” and pulled her away from the bar. She thanked me.)
If you’re hitting up a party with an existing sexual partner, then you need to have a conversation about what you’re allowed to do sexually. Are you two allowed to have sex with other people, or only as a unit? Or would you rather not have sex at all, and just take in the scene? There are no wrong answers; it’s simply whatever agreement you and your partner make. Once at the venue, you should stick to whatever you agree to.
If, by chance, an opportunity does come up and you both feel comfortable, you can re-negotiate with your partner at the party. You can tell your partner, “Hey, so now that we’re here, I’m feeling good and would be down to make out with this couple. Would you want to?” Of course, don’t be pushy, and if your partner isn’t interested, then you stick to your original agreement. But if your partner is game, you can switch it up.
Do you know who’s no fun? The guy who goes to a sex party in a frumpy t-shirt and jeans. Whether it's a harness, a collar, or a goddamn jockstrap, wear something that makes you feel empowered and sexy. Additionally, most sex parties have a dress code. If they do, follow it.
You don't need any corny pickup lines at sex parties. (I mean, you really don't ever need pickup lines, but I'll save that for another piece.) You can go up to someone you're attracted to, introduce yourself with a smile, and ask how their night is going. It will become very clear if they're interested in talking to you or not. If they reply, "My night's going better now," or, "I was bored until you came along," it's a good sign they want to bang. If they respond with, "It's going fine," and are looking around the room for someone else, then simply reply, "Same here. Great to meet you," and walk the hell away.
Consent is required for all sexual activity—and yes, that includes at a party where the express purpose is having sex. When you go to a sex party, you need to get a verbal “yes” before engaging in any sexual behavior. Remember, you can ask for consent in sexy ways: “God, I really want to kiss you right now. Can I?”
On the topic of consent, don’t automatically touch or join folks who are mid-coitus. And don't be a weird lurker. I had a guy get really close to me while I was having sex one time. He stood a foot away from me, making aggressive eye contact. It was highly uncomfortable, even though he didn’t touch me or say anything. I would call this a violation of personal space. Like dude, back off.
If you’re interested in joining another couple, just think: Do I know these people? Have I spoken to them? If you haven’t said a word to the couple the entire night, then don’t go up and stop their sexual experience by asking to join them. Watch from afar—like, at least 6 feet away. If they see you and want you to join (which s highly unlikely), they’ll wave you over.
There may be folks who want to have sex with you, and you might not be interested. Totally fine! In my opinion, there’s no easier place to reject someone than at a sex party. You can always say, “I’m not looking to play right now,” or “I just want to have sex with my partner tonight,” or “There’s someone, in particular, I’m hoping to play with tonight.” After rejecting them, just walk away. You can say, “I’m going to find my friend.” If a person begins to harass or follow you, speak to someone working the event. They will help you.
I know it’s tempting to want to drink heavily when you’re nervous and don’t know people, but seriously, lay off the booze. You need to have your wits and be able to consent. You also need to be mindful of other people consenting (or not), which is challenging to do when drunk. Oh, and if someone is drunk, don’t hook up with them, even if they’re the one initiating. They’re not in a place where they’re able to give consent.
I've noticed more and more that play parties hire hosts, rope bondage experts, dominatrices, and other types of performers to do something sexual for the attendees. Watch someone get tied up and flogged. Try sexual electrostimulation if they have it. Or at least watch ot
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