Best Sex Of Your

Best Sex Of Your

Now Reading What Does "The Best Sex Of Your Life" Look Like?
We’ve all been there — in a conversation after a few too many cocktails, loudly reminiscing about incredible sex moments with a bunch of friends (or, let’s be honest, some random person in the bathroom). Sex becomes mythological — I saw stars when I orgasmed, their touch felt like fire , we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It’s easy to become disillusioned with your own sex life when you hear about everyone else's. But if we break it down, what does incredible sex actually look like — and does it have anything to do with the act itself?
I have thought a lot about this (can you tell) and have drilled it down to two people I’ve slept with. The first is my current partner. The reasons for this are obvious — we communicate, we care for each other and want pleasure for one another, and we’ve had a lot of practice. It’s actually not really about instant physical chemistry with us. Our compatibility grew as we became closer, and we’ve now been together a year and a half.
But my other “best sex” wasn’t even good sex, from a technical point of view. There was a guy I had been crushing on for months. Oh, my god, the obsession I had with this guy. We ended up hooking up one night — we were drunk, and out with mutual friends. I ended up at his place and we had the hottest, most anticipated kiss. I was sitting on his kitchen counter, he had his hands in my hair. I still think about it sometimes — he carried me to the bedroom, and while the sex was mediocre at best (the clunky, drunk kind; I did not come) the emotional high it gave me was incredible.
So, two very different examples of great sex. But when I think about any of the times I had wildly exciting sex outside of a relationship, there are always other factors at play besides physical pleasure. The thrill of someone new. A lack of inhibition because I’ll never see that person again. The freshness of sex after a long-term relationship breakdown. Make-up sex that means more than the act itself.
I asked other people about the best sex of their lives, and got some interesting responses. “Sex with my partner is amazing,” Hannah (she/her, 33) told me. “But the best sex of my life was probably with this 22-year-old a few years ago.”
Hannah tells me she was on an overseas trip after ending things with an on/off situationship. She was about to turn 30 and the fact that this 22-year-old guy was so keen on her made her feel “alive, just really attractive”.
They did it in hostel showers. In hostel beds when everyone was asleep. All their sex was thrilling in that way only sneaky sex can be. “Honestly, if I think about it now, it was good sex, but I remember it mainly because it was just so exciting. I’d met this guy at the perfect time to have that kind of sex.”
Vivianne (she/her, 33) had gotten a divorce three months before she met a “musician, long hair, tattoos, really fun and unique personality”. She slept with him on the second date and says that her maturity was a major factor in why the sex was so good. “I was confident enough to give in completely and be present,” she explains, saying she came three times really quickly, something that had never happened to her before.
Anna (23, she/her) met a Canadian guy on a dating app, went to his hotel, and they had sex all night. “It was the most connected I’ve ever felt to someone during sex, and he felt the same way,” she says. He left the next morning and they never saw each other again.
Phone sex was the best sex for Kate (35, she/her). She was a teenager in her MSN phase, and had an American online boyfriend. They would come up with fantasies over the phone and always debrief afterwards, so the fantasies just got better and better. They never met up, and things fizzled after a year.
These stories made me realise that the concept of “the best sex of your life” is contextual. Was Kate’s phone sex incredible because she was young, had never met her online boyfriend and got to explore her fantasies anonymously? Would Vivianne have enjoyed her fling with the musician if she hadn’t just exited a marriage? Would Anna’s incredible connection with the Canadian have fizzled out if they got bogged down in the admin of life?
We’ll never know, and while none of this diminishes how hot these experiences were, it’s also worth remembering that those sexscapades live in a bubble — great sex is less about who we are doing it with, and a lot to do with ourselves.
One insecurity I have struggled with (and I’m sure a lot of you have, too) is the idea that maybe we’ll have the best sex of our lives, and then never experience that again. What if we end up with a partner who doesn’t give us that all-consuming chemistry?
A story I’ve loved forever comes from my friend Ella (35, she/her). She has always been honest about the best sex of her life being with this totally terrible guy she was sleeping with casually before she met her now-partner. “I’d just come out of a decade-long relationship,” she explains. That relationship had ended long before the actual end date, so Ella hadn’t really had good sex for years. “I felt really unwanted towards the end, in a sexual sense,” she says.
She met Dom on a night out after the breakup, and there was an instant physical attraction. “I can’t really explain this, but I just knew that he knew what he was doing,” she says. “It was a combination of bedroom skills and him getting off on me having a great time, plus he was seven years older than me and had a lot more experience.”
Because it was a casual hook-up, she just didn’t care if she never saw him again. “I wasn’t self-conscious at all. I didn’t care about what my body looked like, how he saw me, what positions we tried.” They dated casually for almost a year, and it never got old. “It was always 100/10, I don’t even know how to explain it,” she says. She laughs and says it’s not like that with her current partner, but her relationship with Dom wasn’t sustainable.
“With Dom, it was like an intoxicating chemical attraction but I actually think that made for a toxic relationship beyond the bedroom,” she says. “He was really jealous, he was trying to control me to a degree and really lock me down. So it was great, but it wasn’t healthy.”
She says the sex she has with her current partner (they’ve been together ten years and have a child together) is fantastic, just in a different way. “The sex I have now in some ways is the best of my life, but it goes beyond the physical. It’s knowing somebody and having been through ups and downs, it’s more intimate than casual sex was for me. We’re almost ten years into our relationship and it’s not burning passion and desire, ripping each other’s clothes off, it’s love.”
This is the crucial difference between relationship sex versus casual sex. Both can be incredible — I loved my years of hookups and wild flings. But it’s easy to discredit relationship sex because it becomes so comfortable. When you’re scheduling fucks and ensuring you tie your hair up first so you don’t get split ends, it’s natural to compare what often becomes a clinical approach to the free-wheeling chaos of random hookups.
Yes, the hookups probably were more exciting and titillating. But does that make them the best sex of your life? It comes down to what you really want, says Ella.
“Sex now is about connecting with my partner, and that’s what I want these days. I want to feel loved and connected over having the biggest orgasm I’ve ever had.”
For Ella (and for me, and maybe you if you’re in a long-term partnership ) great sex has changed in definition. There is magic in the kind of sex you have with a partner who has seen you at your worst, has been in the valleys and on the mountains with you, has listened to all the little cues — physical and verbal — you’ve given them over the years, so they know exactly what you like and when you like it.
Yes, it can easily become stale which is why it’s always good to communicate and mix things up from time to time, but don’t confuse comfort with boredom, or organisation with the mundane.
There’s a good chance that the incredible sex you had on your Eurotrip years ago was incredible because it was temporary, hot and heavy in a way it wouldn’t be if you saw that person again. Cherish those memories but remember the context of them, too.
“Sex with my partner is a physical expression of love,” says Ella. “It might not blow me away all the time, but it’s magic in its own way.”
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Great, casual sex is often not great sex at all — it’s a great experience .
"Great sex is less about who we are doing it with, and a lot to do with ourselves."

They are the sexual encounters that linger long after the event, the memorable moments of joy when you suddenly see what all the fuss is about – here 10 people share their bliss
Sat 23 Jul 2016 06.00 BST Last modified on Thu 23 Nov 2017 11.11 GMT
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
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I was 26 and a week away from marrying John. We’d been engaged for three years and sex scared me senseless because I was desperate to try it, but I’m from “the good girls don’t” era. I was more worried about being an unmarried mum than dying of flu when it hit our village after the war. My father had done up a tiny cottage for us on his farm and both sets of parents gave us furniture. We went over with big bags of linen and pots and pans to make sure that everything was ready for moving in after our wedding. We were making up our double bed and we fell on each other. It was such a glorious feeling I was nearly crying and so was John – it was the first time for both of us. And we’ve never really stopped since.
Our marriage was falling apart and my wife had an affair. That shocked us both into realising we wanted to be together and we went for counselling because it was something I’d done that pushed her towards the other guy. I knew that but I couldn’t get him out of my head and our sex life was dead – we’d start cuddling and I’d get upset or angry and start dragging up the past. I knew I was doing it but I just couldn’t seem to stop. Then we went to see a comedy one night and laughed so much we were crying and we walked home with our arms round each other, talking about our favourite comedies. We got into the house and it was dark and she went to put the kettle on and I just grabbed her and we made love on the kitchen floor and it was like everything worked again.
Sex never meant that much to me. I’d had a couple of boyfriends and we sort of jogged along – I got engaged to one and we started half-heartedly planning a wedding but neither of us was devastated when I ended it. Then I had a few years just concentrating on my career and friends but when I met Janie at a wedding I was completely swept off my feet. I had never thought I was gay and in a strange way I still don’t – it’s just that Janie is meant for me. There were no nerves or anything and I’ll never forget our first night together because it just confirmed that we were meant to be together. Sometimes I wonder how I ever thought sex didn’t matter because it’s the glue that keeps us together no matter what else happens – and we fight a lot!
I was 16 and at a festival. The first couple of nights had been too much of everything and I was recovering from a blinding hangover when I met Magda. She was a few years older than me and I forgot about my friends and spent the day with her before dragging her back to meet them. I didn’t need any more drink and I was full of myself, convinced I was in love. She took me back to her tent and we spent the night together and I thought we’d at least spend the rest of the weekend together but she moved on to someone else and I was shattered. I still think about her and no sexual experience has ever lived up to that hot sweaty night in her little tent – if I ever meet another woman who makes me feel like that, I’ll marry her.
When I had breast cancer 15 years ago my husband couldn’t cope. He left me for a younger woman a year later and my self-esteem was rock bottom as I’d put on weight and didn’t care how I looked, especially as I retired early due to ill health and just sat around doing nothing. Five years ago, my best friend had had enough and yelled at me to get a grip and get sorted. I was so stunned I obeyed her, losing three stones and taking up jogging in a big way. I started seeing a lovely man and I was so nervous as I’d only ever slept with my husband, but my first sex in 10 years was wonderful and we saw each other for a while. I’ve had a couple of relationships since then and never lost my confidence in sex again.
I was desperate to take my girlfriend on a cycling tour of the Outer Hebrides as I’d done it before and the weather was spectacular. She had to be talked into it and when it started raining and didn’t stop I felt guilty and she was totally fed up. We were pitching our tent in sand dunes in a brief spell of no rain and I was wittering about how beautiful it was with the sun shining when there was a crack of thunder and the heavens opened. She started laughing, stripped off her clothes and boots, threw them into the tent and stood there naked with the rain bouncing off her. My mouth was hanging open in shock until she said “Get your kit off now!” and we didn’t even make the tent. The sand got everywhere and she chucked me when we got back, but that’s still my best sex ever.
I’d known I was gay since I was very young but was paralysed by the thought of telling my parents as they are devout Irish Catholics. For years they actually thought being gay was an illness and I just couldn’t tell them – it made me feel ill when I thought of their reaction. All my friends at university knew I was gay and I was madly promiscuous but always felt so guilty. I was in my late 30s before I finally told my parents and they were amazing, totally accepting. It was like having my whole life smoothed out. The next time I had sex it was with the man who’s still my partner and I’m sure feeling so comfortable with myself at last played a huge part in finally enjoying sex and being ready for a relationship.
Sex was always a performance to me. An interactive, contrived production inspired by women’s magazines that told me to “unleash my inner sex kitten”, learned from porn’s exaggerated movements and sounds, and practised during sex that lacked connection. Until I slept with him. He said, “You don’t have to do that just because I like it. Do what you like.” I realised “what I like” never occurred to me. It only occurred to me to be someone else’s fantasy. To be the hot story they told their friends and the memory they recall when they are alone. At first, his words sounded like just a sweet, gentlemanly gesture designed to make me comfortable. But as he looked at me deeply, I eventually saw that the porn-star persona I’d so carefully constructed had never been necessary. I could be me. Just me. Intimate, imperfect and genuinely present with him.
I’m a travel writer, so spend a lot of time away from home. It’s often hard to keep the romance alive without it involving jet lag, time-delayed Skypes and heavily filtered “wish you were here” photos. I’m also a wheelchair user and it took me a while to accept myself, flaws and all. I’m single now, but whenever I landed back on UK soil was when we’d have our best sex. The anticipation would have me grinning on the flight home, and the long drive back up north from Heathrow would give us time to debrief on our months apart and get to know each other again, almost like it was the first time. There’s nothing quite like “I’ve missed you” sex (as long as you mind the sunburn).
Our teenage daughters are patronisingly rude about how boring we are, especially as I’m a minister. Twenty years ago we were at a church camp in the US and spent our last night with another minister and his wife. Apparently she never drank but we had two bottles of wine between us and she got really amorous with him in front of us and they stripped off and had sex, so we did the same. It wasn’t a foursome, just in the same room. We couldn’t look at them the next morning as they drove us to the airport. But every time the girls go on about how boring we are, Liz and I have a snigger because we both have the same memory and the girls know we’re hiding something. But we’ll never ever share that one with them.

Use a toy that's fun for both of you

Try a variation of your favorite sex position

Keep your feet warm at all times for maximum pleasure

Intercept his drive to the finish line

Slowww it down…and then speed it up

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