Best Masturbation Stories

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Paisley Gilmour
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Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ.

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If there's one thing we've learned from this it's: lock the damn door.
Unfortunately, masturbation stories aren't always suuuper erotic and sexy. Sometimes, they're cringe and awkward as hell. Here's 11 that'll make sure you never forget to lock your bedroom door again...
"I was relatively young. I was in my parents' bathroom playing with one of those play-vet-kit-things (the ones that came with a play-syringe) I thought it was a great idea to shove the play syringe way far into myself. In the midst of me freaking out, wondering how I was going to get this motherfucker out of me, my father walks in. I screamed at the top of my lungs, he did likewise . My father ran out of the room. He never said a word to me about it, and I could not be more grateful for that." [via]
"I was 13. Dad stormed into my room to tell me that he hit two lotto numbers. When he saw me, he looked me dead in the eye and said, 'Come downstairs when you're finished,' with a completely straight face.
"We ate Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches after"
"I went downstairs expecting him to beat me down; instead, he told me about how his father caught him when he was 12 . We ate Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches after that." [via]
"Mum caught me watching porn and jacking off when I was like 13. Thankfully my back was turned and she didn't see my dick, but she saw the shitty late night TV softcore porn that I was watching . The worst part was next morning when my grandma called me and told me to, 'stop watching those evil women' or else." [via]
"When I was about 14 I would use my shower head to masturbate... I did it every day, every time I showered. One day I was apparently taking too long in the shower and my mother let herself into my bathroom (was not allowed to lock doors), pulled open the shower curtain while I was mid orgasm.
"The most embarrassing part of this was that I didn't even notice my mother staring at me because my eyes were rolled back from the pleasure . Finally, after I came, I opened my eyes and instantaneously locked eyes with my mother." [via]
"My best friend walked in on me masturbating to Justin Timberlake when he was on SNL last year... she walked in, and apparently didn't know what I was doing (I was under the blankets). I thought my guilty face said it all so I blurted out, 'I'M MASTURBATING!' She looked me dead in the eye, shrugged, and said, 'let me know when you've finished' then walked out of my room and closed the door. She got me a Justin Timberlake calendar for Christmas." [via]
"My brother walked in on me once. And by that I mean he went and found my parents' emergency spare key to my room and barged in demanding his turn with the modem.
"I spun around, cock in hand, and said, 'Fuck off, I'm having a wank', and my dad shouted up the stairs, 'Leave your brother alone when he's floggin' it'. He never barged in on me again." [via]
"My extremely religious older sister walked in on me once, I was mortified. I was lying on my back spread eagle under a blanket having a grand old time, and right before I can finish she walks in and is asking a question but when she sees me she actually screams and slams the door. Her boyfriend was in the living room so I'm guessing she told him what happened. I couldn't look at either of them for a while after that but she never came into my room uninvited ever again." [via]
"When I was 16, my mum caught me masturbating on the family computer. She walked in to let me know that my friend showed up and wanted to play Xbox. So, inadvertently, I was caught by both of them. I had just got my drivers license so my mum just said to my friend, 'he's probably just excited that he got his license... '" [via]
"I'm in the military and had just moved into a dorm. I didn't really know anyone so I was bored in my bedroom. I started drifting off and my thoughts led to sex so I eventually was horny and started rubbing one out. My fingers weren't doing enough so luckily I managed to find my vibrator and started going to town. I was really getting into it. I was about to come when I hear a gasp and an 'oh' and I see my (who I presume to be) roommate standing looking unsure what to do. She mumbles an apology and runs back into the bathroom and into her room. It took us about two weeks to actually talk to each other after that." [via]
"My dad was always nosy. One night, around 2am, he knocked on my door. My door was locked, and being the type of parent that had a good kid that never got in trouble, he assumed I was up to something.
"He called my name. I feigned sleep. He comes back with a lockpick, and the door busts open. He said, 'For God sakes, on the night of your grandmother's funeral? Show some damn respect."' [via]
"When I was a younger lass I would print out these naughty pictures so that I could fold them up and keep them as secret material for my solo lady time at night. This is like, at 11 or 12 years old. So yeah. One night I was fondling my lady bits and having a grand ol' time and my mum walks in! Naturally I tried to act like nothing was happening, shrugged it off like I was scratching my very upper thigh ... She didn't believe that crap and asked me right away to come have a chat. We sat out in the [garage] for about an hour, side by side, talking about how what I was doing was natural and understandable and it was ok to explore, etc. Mortifying!" [via]

I want to hear masturbation stories. The best, the worst, the most awkward. Have you ever been walked in on? Have you ever walked in on someone else I'll tell you mine. A couple of years ago I was at my guy friend's house. His parents were out and he was watching some crappy horror movie in the living room. The only other TV was in his room, so I went up and started watching some crappy show. After a while I got bored and turned it off. I sat there for a while thinking, and it hit me that he must have jerked off hundreds of times in that very spot. That turned me on. I can't believe I did this, but I started to rub myself. IN HIS ROOM. Obviously, it escalated and before long I was half naked, rapidly shoving my fingers in and out, in and out, while rubbing at the same time. I was carried away with fantasies, and didn't hear him coming up the stairs. He opened the door, saw me on his bed, I had curled up into a ball out of embarrassment, my panties were strewn across the floor. He handled it amazingly and said "oh shit, sorry... Tell me when you're done, I need my phone". Then he was about to close the door, when he said the best 6 words I've ever heard in my life (I should probably mention that these words started a relationship that lasted for two years). He was about to close the door, when he stopped and said, "wait... Do you need any help?" In a few seconds, the most awkward moment in my life, became the best.
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Hell, I've got lots of masturbation stories, lol (I'm not sure if I should be proud of that ). One time, I was at home, and my (female) roommate had gone to work early, so I knew that I was home alone. I was feeling pretty horny when I woke up, and decided to relieve some pressure. So I popped some porn on my computer and started going to town. I'm at it for about 30-45 minutes at this point, and I've got a pretty powerful orgasm stored up and ready to go. I decide that it's about time to finish things off, so I start going a little faster, getting myself really, really close. I like to hold it back for a minute, to make the ultimate release that much stronger. Anyway, I'm past the point where I could stop myself, so it's going to happen any second. That's when the door opens and I hear someone come in. I spun in the chair, and locked eyes with my roommate's BFF, who stayed the night (of which I was totally unaware). She stopped in shock, and couldn't resist staring at my crotch. Well, like I said, there was no way I could stop at this point, so about a half second later, I exploded. Incidentally, because I spun the chair towards her, and I am a VERY strong shooter, the next thing we both realized was that several long, powerful jets of semen were arcing through the air, directly towards her. It was one of those things that happens almost in slow motion, and my load ended up hitting her in the face, chest, and stomach (she was just wearing a bra/panties). After I regained control of myself, I knew that she was about to kill me, as she didn't say anything for a second. The very first words out of her mouth were, "Holy shit, I've never seen anyone cum like that! Can you do that everytime?" Needless to say, the rest of my day got much, much better.
When I was like 14/15 I was turned on by the Sims Woohooing, so I was playing they game in my room, turned on it was a warm day so was wearing less clothes any way, strip off start to wank get into it stand up really into it, I turn around and realise the curtains are open there this women watching me and cum right there on the window That one of my stories
I don't know why but to me that is just sweet as fuck and kinda funny... if you two have kids and tell them how you started dated that will be the funniest moment you two will every have lmao but yea that was a good and sweet story ^-^
My cousin walked into me when I was 12. She stood there shocked for her life... I don't think she'd ever masturbated before LOL
Alright. Not embarassing. But different. And all true I swear. When just starting puberty my cock grew to adult size (only average, 6.5 in. but get hard easily and often through the day). I was small in stature and had read about sucking one's own cock. (Precocious reader and very curious about sex). I tried and was able to bend over sitting on the edge of my bed and take my erect penis in my mouth. I'd give myself a blowjob and can remember the intense feeling as I climaxed inside my mouth. I swallowed most every time. And liked the sweet taste. Once I came home early on the winter. Snd my Mom hadn't gotten hime before me as was usual. I got out of the biting wind in our shed I was enjoying a candy cane when I got urge to cum in my mouth. Enjoyed familiar pleasure... but ehrn I finished and swallowed and went to zip up... I noticed green and red colours on my cock. Not traumatic but a funny byproduct of a fun endeavour. Lost ability soon after with growth spurt
It was a nice afternoon and I was at my room. It was summer, so I was wearing shorts. I usually get horny a lot in the afternoon and everybody was outside, so I looked for a good porn and started masturbating. When I was close to my best (I like to prolongue it) suddenly my grandpa walked in my room and wanted something. Then, you know, what to do first? Cover dick, minimalize porn (because closing takes more time) turning off sound etc. so I somehow managed to do it in half a second, but it raised my adrenaline so much that I started to ejaculate. He was in my room and wanted to talk about something. I was in orgasm and my semen was pouring down my leg, I just tried to hold it somehow in the shorts. I usually have a lot of semen, so it was not easy. Luckily, he went outside after a minute or two... But talking to somebody and pretending that nothing happens when you are having orgasm and it shoots out is really weird.
I can't even imagine what that's like. I feel for you.
After reading that I wish I had a good one for you my grandma walked in on me watching porn and jurking off if I remember right she smiled looked at me for a moment and walked out no big deal at all. Of course my girlfriend did a few times she was always posses witch I don't get lol.
That was supposed to say my girlfriend got pissed sorry other then that what is wrong with what I said?
Classic... My only story is that my sister walked in on me watching hardcore porn with the sound on (I went home from a neighborhood party early and forgot that my sister did the same earlier because she wasn't feeling well). She couldn't believe what she saw and we just sat in silence (me on a cleaner site, her sitting on a couch). Most embarrassing time in my life.
Ooh, I'd hate to be in your position. It's not quite the same but growing up, I remember my little sister asking me why she heard banging in my room at night, that was hard to explain...
if u pay me 50 bucks i'll tell u... it's a deal basically
Pm. me and I'll tell u mine it was in a public swimming pool changing room I was alone
Oh I've been caught lol.. very funny and embarassing story...
What a great story! Thanks for sharing.
Oh brother.. im not telling a complete stranger a sex story.. weirdo
Lol still im not telling u.. lol.. its all goid though. . I dont judge
That... was beautiful. *tear drops*
And I'm best friends with Scooby-Doo

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This post is part of Mashable's Masturbation Week . May is National Masturbation Month, so we're celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.
Look, we've all been there. Sometimes, the need to pleasure yourself overrides all common sense and you're left with an incredibly embarrassing — though hopefully very entertaining -- story to share to millions of strangers on the internet.
Here are our ten favorite stories of masturbation gone wrong from the depths of Reddit. Hopefully you can't relate to any of the horrors below.
"This story isn't quite as funny as some of yours, but... One time, when I was about 12 or 13, I had the sweet idea of taking the seeds out of a cucumber, putting it in the microwave, and humping it. I was super excited about my new cucumber fleshlight. I start humping, but instead of pleasure, I felt burning. I put the cucumber in the microwave for too long. I had blisters on my shaft for several days. They were excruciating. Let me tell ya.. Gym class was a new level of hell for me."
Reddit user pizz901 shared the horrific tale:
I have epilepsy. One night I was going at it in my bed and lo and behold I have a seizure. So naturally my parents hear something and have to come in to me seizing on the bed dick out porn on the computer. Very embarrassing to have to find out from them (since I lose a bit of memory of the event and am unconscious during it). All I can say is it must have been one hell of an orgasm to make me seize (more than the usual jerky cumming movements anyway).
This story comes from Reddit user funny-chubby-awesome :
"My high school best friend, let's call her Hillary, approached me about masturbation. I was the expert on sex, as I had a bf and had gone down on him 1.5 times. I told her my technique (rub it 'til it feels good, don't stop) and she showed me that month's Cosmo. Find your best O ever - the G-spot. We read the article and she tells me she had tried with her fingers to no avail. We decide it needs to be stimulated with something more penis-like. We (mind you, we are VERY experimental 16 year old girls) decide to try it with hot-dogs that night at my house.
She comes over, I go to the fridge and find we only have SPICY KIELBASA! I show her and we decide to still try but cover them in condoms. We sit on my futon, slide our pants/undies down, throw a blanket over our laps... I remember thinking, "Am I sure I want to do this?", but I hear her, like, moaning so I....plunge ahead. IT HURTS! And it's like burning and I feel weird. At that moment my mother BURSTS in (drunk) and starts screaming at us! She insists we're doing drugs and questions the blanket over us. I finally convince her to leave and remove the sausage. Hillary hands me hers and I go to throw them in the wastebasket. That's the last thing I remember.
Hillary says I passed out and she got my mother. They called an ambulance and the EMT was grilling Hillary about what we were doing. I wasn't breathing. My mom started ranting about drugs and Hillary panicked and told them what was going on.... I wake up in the hospital to: my father (can't look at me),
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