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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Fifty Shades of Dick : The Best Crotch Shots in Mainstream Film
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The sad news that Fifty Shades of Grey will not feature any full-frontal has left many of us devastated. Fear not, however! Jezebel is here to pick up the rubble and distract you with the 50 best (theme, you see?) peens you can see on-screen. Trust us, these pictures will make your mood rise.
As a former video store clerk (with the smug, "unimpressed by your choices" attitude many have come to love and expect from people working minimum-wage jobs that others aren't cool enough for), I have a great fondness for letting people know all about the accidental and not-so-accidental genitals they may see in a movie of their choice. I was never shy about letting customers know if the movie they were renting had an excellent dick shot of a beloved celebrity or an especially good butt scene. I used to do that with porn, too, but stopped after I noticed that one of my customers became visibly agitated when I started talking about how awesome the camera work was in Trunks 2, an excellent pornographic feature all about dudes who love other dudes who love speedos and also taking them off and fucking butts that have just been in speedos.
This is a compendium of the most important bulges and full-frontal peen that one can see in films that are available on Netflix and at their local Redbox. Some I knew, some my Jezebel colleagues helped me with, and some were complete and delightful surprises.
The biggest surprise was that this took me more than four hours to put together.
Please note that the following are not in particular order (except number one, which is self-explanatory), but the photos do tend to get a little more hot the further down you go. Isn't that always the way?
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46. Llan Mitchell-Smith, Weird Science
39. Steven Weber, Single White Female
34. These Unhappy Strippers, Magic Mike
33. Mark Wahlberg's Prosthesis, Boogie Nights
31. That One Football Player, Any Given Sunday
29. A Whole Nude Beach of Dick, Euro Trip
25. Some Random Dude All Up In John C. Reilly's Face Tyler Nilson , Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
24. Giant Dangling Penis, Hall Pass
22. Viggo Mortensen, The Indian Runner
21. Matthew McConaughey, Magic Mike
13. Edward Norton, American History X
12. Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
11. Whoever This Gentleman Is, Goltzius and the Pelican Company
1. Marco Dapper , Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds ( Call me, Marco! Also: You can see more of his work here .)
Did I miss anything important? Please post photos in the comments.
Image credits in text, top illustration by Jim Cooke.

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Laura Beck
Laura Beck is a Los Angeles-based TV writer and frequent contributor to Cosmopolitan.com — her work has appeared in the New York Times, New Yorker, Jezebel, and the Village Voice.


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For the first time, a group of researchers from UCLA and the University of New Mexico have used 3-D-printed phalluses to ascertain women's penis size preferences. Previous studies on the subject have asked women to state a length in centimeters or to select "small, medium, [or] large," as if they were ordering a side of French fries. Other experiments have presented women with 2-D drawings, but what is a penis, really, without the third dimension?

Men, it's time to chill about worrying that your penis isn't as long as an actual anaconda and as thick as a stack of paperbacks (or whatever). According to a study published today in peer-reviewed science journal PLOS One , women don't really prefer enormous penises. In fact, they like penises that are only slightly larger than average, and that preference can differ slightly depending on relationship context.

In the study, sexual psychophysiologist Dr. Nicole Prause and a team of researchers presented 75 women with pictures of 100 different erect penises (Overwhelming!) and the ladies narrowed their penis preferences to 33 disembodied members. Then, they 3-D-printed out those dongs (on blue plastic to "to minimize racial skin-color cues") and the women then put the penises into two categories: ones they'd prefer on a long-term partner and ones they'd prefer hanging from the bodies of a one-night stand. Man, I love science.
OK, since you are clearly dying for the results, here they are. For a LTR, women ideally want a length of 6.3 inches and circumference of 4.8 inches. For a one-night stand, they want 6.4 inches long and 5 inches around.
The takeaway is interesting, but it's important to keep in mind that (almost) all women prefer all sorts of different penis sizes and also the character of the penis-haver is about 50 million times more important than the width of the wang. 

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You may have never wondered this question, but scientists certainly have

We look through hundreds of studies every week at Men’s Health , and we’re always impressed at some of the strange stuff scientists spend time and money researching. 
For example, Swiss researchers recently wanted to explore whether women think guys with surgically corrected hyposadias—a birth defect in which your meatus, or urethral opening, is on the underside of your penis—have regular-looking rods. 
As part of the study, the scientists asked female participants to rank which factors they considered most important in an attractive penis. File this under “requests that are only acceptable in a lab setting.”
Turns out women don’t love any particular penis trait. They rated overall genital appearance as the most important factor, followed by pubic hair.
Super precise characteristics like penile length, look of the scrotum, and position and shape of the meatus rounded out the least important qualities:
“Women perceive a wide variation of penile appearances as normal or good-looking,” says study author Norma Ruppen-Greeff, M.Sc. 
Nothing mind-blowing, but here’s the nice thing about the results: While you might feel self-conscious about a schlong that comes up short or balls that hang a little low, women don’t focus on any one area when they judge your Johnson—they look at the total package. (To discover what she really cares about in bed, check out How to Pleasure a Woman , the ultimate guide to becoming the best lover she’s ever had!)
So you just need to freshen up. You always look your best after a haircut, right? Researchers from Indiana University found that 75 percent of women say they would like their guy to trim down below, so here are 7 Tricks You Must Follow When Grooming Your Guy Parts . 
Sprucing up your schlong can also make you feel sexier, boosting your confidence both in and out of the sack, the study says. 

Now Reading Men Talk About Their Penises (NSFW)
The penis carries a lot of baggage. In pop culture, it's often depicted as comical (how many comedies are powered by male nudity gags?). Perhaps it's causing its owner grief in some way — by failing to perform sexually, for example — and is a spectacle for onlookers to ridicule. Either that, or it’s shown as threatening, as in some porn: a disembodied symbol of aggression with a mind of its own (consider the term "thinking with his dick"). Rarely is it presented as just another body part — sometimes sexual, yes, but also functional in other ways, and most of the time just there, one among many parts of a body that belongs to a person with a mind that is not, in fact, controlled by genitals. And it's time we looked at it this way.
Outside of porn, or maybe art museums, we have few opportunities to witness penises in this way if we do not either have one or have a partner — at the very least, a sexting partner — who does. The scarcity of explicit representations of male genitalia in mainstream media led to an internet frenzy when Game of Thrones ' latest episode featured a close-up of a penis , held by its owner as he inspects it for warts.
Reactions to the new cast member were mixed. Game of Thrones star Emilia Clarke was delighted, appearing on The Late Show to advocate for "junk equality." Others were disappointed that the penis shot was so aggressively unsexy, particularly in contrast to the frequent and sexualized female nudity on Game of Thrones. One Twitter commenter argued that "a closeup of a flaccid penis being examined for genital warts is not 'equal-opportunity nudity.'"
The argument offers an interesting study in our relationship to nudity — especially male nudity.
"Given how much symbolic baggage these body parts carry, it’s difficult and I think worthwhile to try to have a conversation about the more personal relationships that people have with their bodies," Lisa Wade , PhD, an associate professor of sociology at Occidental College, tells Refinery29. "The symbolism of our sexual body parts is so strongly gendered. It’s not the same in every society, but in contemporary American society, the idea that women’s sexual body parts are desirable, perhaps beautiful, and perhaps fragile and vulnerable, is a really common way of thinking about them."
But penises, she continues, are portrayed as "instruments of power" and "symbols of virility and strength" — and people who have them are left wondering whether they measure up. "They are constantly in a position of wondering, Am I, as represented by this body part, going to be able to live up to these expectations? " Dr. Wade says. "[Penises can] become not instruments of power, but instruments of humiliation."
A respect for individuals' personal relationships with their penises guided Geoffrey Berliner when he shot the 14 following penis portraits, accompanied here by the subjects' thoughts on their genitalia. Berliner — the executive director of the Penumbra Foundation , a nonprofit devoted to photography education, research, and outreach — developed these portraits as tintypes through the Penumbra Tintype Studio , hand-pouring chemicals on thin metal plates to create direct positive images of the penises. It's a technique that was popular during the Civil War, and a far cry from the iPhone dick pics to which some of us may be accustomed.
"I didn’t approach this in any other way than I would approach making portraits," Berliner says. "Each one of the subjects I met, I sat down, I talked to each man, and got to know them a little bit and then worked with how they were interacting with their penis. Each person had a particular attitude toward his penis, moved it a certain way, held it a certain way."
"I could say it’s portraits of penises, but a penis is always attached to a person," he continues. "It’s really a portrait of a person that’s cropped. I don’t see them as just pictures of penises."
Dr. Wade says that depictions of genitalia that fall outside of power-and-humiliation narratives could help people of all gender identities develop better relationships with their bodies. "More diverse representation of anything is almost always better," she says. "When we complain about media images, the answer is we need more diverse images, not less media." And while some argue that sexual anatomy shouldn't be shown in any public context, the reality is that it already is — in porn.
"There’s pornography everywhere," Berliner says. "There is a time to be sexual, but there’s no reason why you have to just look at a person for their penis, or look at a woman because of her breasts. Showing the penises as they were, in an artistic sense, [and] connected to a person is a way of normalizing the way we look at the human body."
"The only reason I can think of to want to minimize representations of sexual body parts is a belief that they are inherently problematic body parts — dangerous, disgusting, immoral, or shameful," Dr. Wade adds. "The only reason to do that would be to say, Well, unlike the elbow, these body parts are X. Maybe we need [more diverse] representation particularly because these body parts are so powerfully symbolic."
Click through for 14 portraits of penises, along with some thoughts from the people to whom they are attached.
This story was made possible in part by LELO HEX, a new generation of condom coming in summer 2016. Click through to LELO's website to find out more about this advance in condom technology.
Creative concept and reporting by Kelly Bourdet .
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