Being Shy And Dating
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Being Shy And Dating
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Although most people struggle at least a little in the dating world, dating often poses additional challenges for introverts .
Of course, introversion and shyness aren’t the same thing. Being introverted means feeling drained of energy after prolonged social interaction and needing time alone to “recharge.”
Shyness, on the other hand, is anxiety about negative judgment in social situations, ranging from mild nerves to severe anxiety disorders. Some people may be shy extroverts or socially confident introverts.
However, there are plenty of shy introverts . Because of the perceived high potential for social judgment and the need for prolonged social contact, dating can seem daunting for a shy introvert. And when you throw a pandemic into the mix, dating’s been put on hold for some of us, too. (But at least we now have plenty of time to prepare ourselves for when we do date again!)
Here are some tips I’ve used to overcome shyness and get more comfortable in the dating game.
If you’re considering trying out dating but are feeling anxious , it can help to analyze these worries and where they come from. Ask yourself, “What exactly am I scared will happen?”
Thinking back to past stressful social situations and remembering the moments you felt anxious can help you identify what triggers your anxiety. For example, was it the moment of walking into a crowded room and feeling people’s eyes on you? Was it wondering if you said the “wrong” thing in conversation? Was it an “awkward” silence that put you on edge? (If you are anxious that you will run out of conversation topics, you can solve this by preparing in advance and having questions ready to ask your date.)
Making a note of what specific events or thoughts trigger your anxiety — and how you reacted — can help you identify potential problems. Once you’ve identified these obstacles, you may be able to avoid them or even realize they are not so scary after all.
Sometimes, shyness stems from low self-esteem or a fear of judgment by others. If you feel anxiety before walking into a crowded bar, party, or social event — well, in pre-pandemic times — you are probably well aware of how shyness can influence your daily life.
Fear of judgment can come from a low sense of self-worth. If you feel confident and have a positive relationship with yourself, you are less likely to fear others’ judgment. Even confident people can feel a little nervous before certain situations, though, such as meeting new people. However, if this interferes with your ability to live a happy life, it is worth trying to tackle the root cause of the problem.
Experts say that self-love techniques — think mindfulness , positive affirmations (such as “I am a catch that the right person will never let go”), and learning to recognize and challenge negative thought patterns — can help you be at peace with yourself. Knowing that you are worthy of love and affection will help you overcome dating-related shyness and have healthier, more enjoyable relationships.
If you are uncomfortable with unpredictability and prefer some idea of what to expect from a date, online dating may seem less intimidating. There are even two introvert-friendly apps, Birdy and SoSyncd , that match you based on your Myers-Briggs personality type.
You may be thinking, “How could it be less stressful when you’re talking to (and having your online dating profile judged) by complete strangers?”
It’s true — the idea of uploading pictures and descriptions of yourself somewhere they can be seen by a public audience can be nerve-wracking. But there’s also a positive side to online dating: Dating sites and apps allow you to check out a person before you talk to them and get an idea of what they’re like to communicate with before you agree to meet in person. In a way, online dating is perfect for introverts since we get to think (and overthink ) before messaging someone.
Plus, since many of us are stuck at home these days due to Covid-19, online dating is the safest option right now. If messaging does escalate with anyone, you can then determine if you’d like to meet for a safe, socially distanced activity.
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The internet isn’t just useful for meeting people to go on dates with; it can also help you plan out your date’s specifics. If you’ve been messaging with someone but are nervous about going on the first date , choosing a venue you’re comfortable with can help you relax. (Again, with Covid-19, keep safety protocols in mind; there are plenty of outdoor activities you can do, for example, like taking a walk.)
If the other person suggests a location — like an outdoor cafe or coffee shop — you can check it out online and look at pictures and reviews, so you know what to expect (since introverts don’t like surprises!). In addition to choosing venues you’re familiar with, choosing activities you know you’ll enjoy can set your mind at ease, too.
Introverts often struggle with socializing for long periods of time without feeling overstimulated and burnt out . To remedy this, planning your dates to last no more than a couple of hours, for instance, can help you avoid this problem. A standard piece of wisdom is that it is better for a date to be too short than too long — and this is even more important for an introvert.
If you meet someone that you really click with, you may find that your nerves decrease and that you get more comfortable around them. After a few dates, you may be able to spend many hours on end with them without feeling drained, which is definitely a great sign.
Some people try to overcome shyness in social situations by having a drink — or three — for “liquid courage.” This solution may work in the short-term, but relying on alcohol, increased dosages of a medication, or other substances, is likely to lead to future dependence. As well as the health concerns, there is also the danger of getting into unsafe situations around strangers.
In some cases, the consequences are merely embarrassing rather than disastrous. I have a socially anxious friend who swore by a shot of vodka to calm his nerves before a first date — that is, until the night he went for two shots instead. The next morning, he woke up and remembered that he’d had several beers and fell off a chair … all in front of his date.
Dates at bars can be fun, and you don’t have to avoid having a drink, but be careful!
While you don’t want to overshare, dating experts say, being honest about who you are as a person is almost always best.
For example, letting someone know that you are a little shy or anxious before the date is perfectly OK. Most people will be understanding and non-judgmental. After all, it is very common to have at least a few nerves about meeting up with a stranger and going on a date.
If that person is judgmental, rude, or dismissive, you dodged a bullet — you don’t want to date someone like that anyway. Plus, who knows? Maybe your date will be an introvert , too, and completely get where you’re coming from!
Aside from being honest about feeling nervous before or during a date, being honest about who you are — through your actions and conversation — is essential. Sometimes, feeling shy or having low self-esteem can lead us to pretend to be someone we are not. But, ultimately, doing this is not worth it; it’s not fun trying to keep up an act around someone.
Try to remember that dating, despite sometimes being stressful, is supposed to be fun. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect at it or to impress everyone you meet. In the words of Dr. Seuss , “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
Emma enjoys observing and exploring the world around her, and writing about her discoveries. Human relationships is her favorite topic, and she likes to analyze them from a psychological perspective. She is a contributing author at Thought Catalog , GoDates , and several other media outlets.
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Say a girl is shy, and don’t really talk VS an outgoing girl, will it be a disadvantage?
Is being shy a disadvantage when it comes to dating?
I'm so shy whenever I meet people. Like I can have a conversation with people (as long as they instigate it) but I just find it so hard. It definitely feels a lot harder to do things being shy than it would be if I were extroverted. But I have heard that a shy girl is cute, but I don't see how lol.
It might mean you have fewer dates, but it is perfectly normal to be shy. If the girl is shy she needs to work out why - and when the right guy comes along she can be less shy.
For girls it is less a disadvantage because boys are expected to approach girls and not vice versa. Generally speaking, ouotgoing people have an easier time making friends and starting relationships, becuase they appear more confident and that's an attractive trait for any gender.
Yes, you will meet and seduce less men. Giving you a smaller dating pool. I say use the few friend should have to make more friends and keep growing until you have meet someone special
Obviously having issues talking to people is a disadvantage.
for men more than women that's for sure, and I hate it when people disagree with that, I read this response somewhere and it really pissed me off, even though he means well, reason why it pissed me off, is because I know for a fact, that men are expected to accept, take responsibility for their lives far more than women are, here it is: “that’s a huge generalization to make. society certainly has different expectations for men vs. women, but there’s no point in worrying about who it’s “worse” for. A better mindset is to take responsibility for every part of your own life.”
Yes, you should learn to be less shy. Having charisma is a great thing, it raises your status in society which will physically make you feel great, that's a fact. Shyness is something you should start to leave behind you, especially at your age. I know people my age, not that much older obviously, and their shyness makes their lives a lot more difficult. The longer you let it go on he harder it is to break out of.
If girl is doing that I think its disadvantage if she is not showing any interest, so if guy is too pushy it would be out of her comfort zone. As for guys its more of disadvantage so I don't know solution just need to work on that so they dont "sweat" and if girl is shy also then he needs to keep up the conversation or it will be awkward af
Yes, but moreso for guys. As a guys it not only means you engage less often but it's also unattractive, it's a very slippery slope. For girls, shy is fine, often cute. But at the same time it also means you don't approach people and engage with them as often. Guys are still forced into approaching anyway so it's not that much of a downside, it's just that the outgoing girls are going to get there first.
Not at all. I like it better. Nothing wrong in a girl that knows what what she wants, its kinda hot sometimes. But being shy means that she has a personality that few know, and being one of them its kinda rewarding I think. Slowly gaining that trust its nice and more so when you become the one that really knows that girl the most. At that point you have someone to protect. Feels like an oath, a pledge. Its a work that you must and want to do it.
Oh yea I'm shy and I've never dated any girl and its extremly hard for me to ask one out. I tried to ask shy girls too but they are most probable ones that say no or ignore. And keeping a convo going is hard and a shy girl never makes tge first move
Of course. I have three SMOKING girl friends who are shy.. all all-virgins because they’re too shy to walk up to people or too awkward to maintain a conversation with a stranger or someone they like...
For myself, it really is a turnoff if a girl is shy. I'd much rather get with somebody who's charismatic and upfront about what they want than somebody who's too timid to even look me in the eyes while they talk.
Absolutely not. I think it is super cute, fun and makes character so I'd definitely almost say it's a must to have
I think I’m pretty shy and I find it super intimidating talking to tall guys but I’m okay with chatting with girls or guys around my height lol but it will probably be a disadvantage I assume?
Yes for me cause I like to do sexual stuff I'm happy with my size and I like a girl to just be able to comfortably walk around naked or fuck me in public
It is for me because everytime a guy approaches me I find it super hard to keep up with the conversation due to being shy... so I lose a lot of opportunities with guys
For men, it is. A girl wants the man to approach and start a conversation. For women, it doesn't really matter. They just got to sit back and look pretty.
In a way being shy is a disadvantage cause most guys like to see a girl be out going and fun. In my case im more into shy girls cause im a shy guy myself. I think the out going fun girls are kinda begging for attention lol
Initially it's not a disadvantage, but at some point, if a girl doesn't open up herself, guys will be displeased and it's gonna have negative effect.
No not it is all good I'm shy no doubt like severally shy and my boyfriend loves it.. a lot of guys love shy girls.
Only if it is to the point where you require the guy to do way to much work while he is trying to get to know you. there is shy and there is she does just not want to open up.
Its not because in any case guy will have to approach the girl whether she is shy or outgoing. Yeah its a bit easy for outgoing girls but its just because they have more opportunities to interact with guys.
Should men also get promise rings or engagement rings? Or should we just do away with engagement rings all together?
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To me a shy girl is cute with seeing how hard she is trying to fit in... like if someone super shy is coming over and tries to talk to me I feel happy inside because they are making an effort even though they feel super uncomfortable... that's me anyways.
With super outgoing girls it's hard to tell if she actually wants to spend time with you or is waiting for something better
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