Being A Dick Porn

Being A Dick Porn
by Eric Spitznagel Published: Nov 17, 2015
Eric Spitznagel is a frequent contributor to magazines like Playboy, Esquire, and the New York Times, and was employed for over two decades by the Second City comedy theater, where Stephen Colbert was his Secret Santa _twice.
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The exact requirements, measured in tablespoons
Guys who think they’re born to be porn stars usually have one thing in common: They have enormous schlongs.
And sure, having a big penis doesn’t hurt. (We mean your chances of getting in the porn biz, not the poor woman who has to endure that Moby dick. That totally hurts.)
Porn director Adam Glasser—who goes by the professional name Seymore Butts—says that the industry penile average is 8 inches. “A few are shorter,” he says, “but many are longer.”
But being hung like you’ve got elephantitis of the junk is not necessarily the main talent you need to become a male porn star.
That’d be like saying the only requirement for becoming the next LeBron James is being really tall. Yeah, sorry, it’s a little more complicated than that.
(Looking for a complete roadmap on How to Pleasure a Woman ? This new guide, by the editors of Men’s Health , will give you the proven secrets to satisfying her every single time.)
So what other skills do you need to have a career in the porn industry? We gathered a roundtable of porn professionals—the aforementioned smut auteur Adam Glasser, as well as actors James Deen and Steve Rodgers (who performs under the name “Dr. D”)—to find out exactly what it takes to become a male star.
Can you instantly get an erection while annoyed strangers are staring impatiently at you?
Whatever your confidence in your erections in the bedroom, it’s a little different on a porn set. For one thing, nobody cares if you’re having a good time.
“You’re a meat puppet,” says Deen. “Your job is to make the female performer look as good as humanly possible and accentuate every piece of beauty about her and be able to draw a performance out of her while delivering the type of scene—whatever it may be—that I ask for.”
Deen sums up the expectations for a male porn actor like this: “He gets his penis hard when he’s told to.”
That means the moment you drop your pants, you should be erect. “Show-ready” erect. The kind of erect you can hang a wet towel on, no problem.
To make matters worse, the conditions on a porn set are not conducive to erections. If you’re lucky, your first shoot will be in a bedroom. But in today’s gonzo porn environment, having sex on a soft bed is a luxury.
“The first scene I ever shot, I was put on a bus with extras that was driven around Los Angeles,” says Rodgers, who works regularly with porn studios like Wicked, Reality Kings, and Babes.com.
“Think porn is easy? Try fucking on a bus in front of 20 people while driving down the 101 and hanging from the handlebars.”
Can you keep that erection for 2 to 7 hours?
Glasser, the man responsible for films like Butt Pirates of the Caribbean and Poetic Just-Ass , claims that filming a typical porn scene can take anywhere between one and a half to two hours.
“The male performer must be hard for a majority of this time, as we do take occasional breaks for a variety of reasons,” he says.
That means you’re erect when they need you, except for occasional 10 minute breaks here or there, in which case you can give your penis a break, until they’re ready to shoot again, and then BE HARD NOW!
Deen—2013’s “Cocksman of the Year”— has a slightly different take on how long you need to remain erect while on the clock. “Forever, is the answer,” he says.
He estimates that he’s performed in over 4,000 scenes since making his porn debut, and in many of those “I had to be up and down and be hard for 6 to 7 hours, maybe more.”
There’s an unpredictability in porn shoots that makes it especially stressful for the male talent.
“The scenes are sometimes shot in pieces,” says Rodgers. “So there can be a lot of starting and stopping, which means you might have to edge back up—either jerk off or have her blow you to get hard again—so you can pick up where you left off.”
Can you ejaculate 4.75 tablespoons of semen at least 6 feet?
Not really. Glasser didn’t hesitate to give us the exact seminal fluid measurements he requires from his male performers.
It should be “Enough to full glaze a face,” he says. “At least 4.75 tablespoons.”
And that “full face glaze”—a colorful way of saying ejaculate that ends up on your female colleague’s face—should be deliverable from any distance.
Well, maybe not from across the room. But she won’t always be waiting helpfully below you, allowing gravity to do most of the work.
“The minimum shooting distance is 6 feet,” Glasser says.
Why 6 feet? “So you can stand at most women’s feet while they are prone and reach their faces,” he explains. “Aim is what separates the good ones from the great ones.”
After your first orgasm, can you be ready for round two almost immediately?
How long can a male performer rest between orgasms? “As long as it takes me to eat my lunch,” says Glasser. And he’s a fast eater.
So let’s say you’ve finally ejaculated after an exhausting 2-to-7 hour shift. You can reward yourself with a 10-minute break before it’s time to go back and do it all over again. But don’t worry, your second scene of the day won’t be quite so intense. You’ll only be expected to remain consistently erect for around 2 hours this time, before you’re asked to ejaculate a second load that reaches distances of at least 2 yards.
Do you lack anything resembling self-respect or dignity?
After nearly giving yourself an aneurysm trying to maintain an erection on demand for 7 hours at a time, and then ejaculating right on cue, at the exact trajectory needed for the perfect cinematic framing, one might expect to be rewarded with praise and respect from your peers and colleagues.
“Guys in porn are very much objectified and not seen as people,” says Deen, the industry’s current king of the meat puppets.
The male performers aren’t verbally degraded, Deen assures us. Nobody is screaming at them, “Go spill your sperm, meat puppet! Do what you’re told!”
They’re just not treated like valuable human beings who’ve provided something worthwhile and should be given even a modicum of respect.
“Guys are props,” Deen says. “They’re just sort of there to do what they’re told. They’re not people.”
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By:

Robert Evans

Lance Hart

June 29, 2014

“Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.”
You got more in common with the old man than you think.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet.
No slasher movie can top the Heffalump song.
Let's take a look at all the crap they now own.
Porn stars have it made. On the surface, "have sex with beautiful people for money" sounds like a no-brainer, but while it can be a "dream," not enough people put emphasis on the "job" part. Cracked sat down with Lance Hart, veteran porn star, pornographer, and all around porn-type guy, to get the lowdown on getting down for a camera.
Normal sex is about two people enjoying each other's bodies. Porn is all about looking right on camera, and that means some auteur is posing you to get the most artistic value out of your thrusting buttocks, even if you end up having doggy sex at an angle no human would ever choose to fuck in. For the woman, this often means that penis is pounding directly into parts of the vagina not meant to be pounded.
But hey, the suck hits both genders. Deep throating is not always awesome. If a girl's going down on you for a scene, she's going to be at it for a long time. We're still filming a movie, and it's a universal rule that nothing worthwhile gets filmed quickly. So she gets tired, and eventually you start feeling molars on the head of your dick. The viewer wants to see you jackhammering her throat with your dick, so you're basically ramming your cock into teeth. Getting paid to receive oral sex is basically like getting your dick chewed on for an hour.
Also, lube gets on everything . I'm talking absolutely every part of your body and beyond. I shoot in my apartment a lot ( phrasing ), and now every doorknob has lube on it. On a hardwood floor, it's like black ice: My cats slip and go flying across the oiled-up wood on an hourly basis. (At least I sure hope that's lube.)
I do gay and straight porn, which makes me a little bit of a unicorn (screwnicorn?). In my industry, I'm what they call a "crossover," which can be a bad thing. Since I'm a crossover, I'm on a "never work with that dude" list for many female porn models. It's all because the straight side and the gay side have different standards of STI testing. Models in straight porn often do not wear condoms, but the STI testing is rigorous and provides a safety net around our genitals. In gay porn, we always wear condoms for anal scenes. Any productions that film anal without condoms are in their own super extra separate world of gay porn with their own extremely rigorous STI testing methods (also very safe, but separate from the rest of the gay porn biz). So the straight side thinks the gay side is weird, and the gay side thinks the straight side is weird, and everybody thinks the vores are weird (because they're weird).
Another thing: The condom law that recently got passed is a hot topic , in exactly the sort of way condoms usually aren't. If you live in California and you voted on it, what you read on the ballet was "Do you think sex workers should have to wear condoms?" It's like "Should kids learn how to read?" Of course! But then there's the reality of it: Say a girl's doing a typical shoot with a guy. It'll wind up as 10 minutes of porn after editing, but it's gonna take four hours to film. And if you've ever had sex with a condom for four hours, congratulations on your nerve-deadened penis! Now apologize to your partner, because condoms are rough. Abrasive. They cause tiny microscopic tears in the vagina. You're running around after your marathon sex-epic high-fiving strangers on the street, but keep in mind that you basically just spent the runtime of Return of the King lightly sanding your partner's genitals.
You might eyeball a guy's dong and think "He's not that big," and then he puts it in your ass and you realize just how large the head is. Here's a bit of folksy wisdom: You never know what something's going to feel like in your butt until it goes in your butt. There you go, kids: That's the new YOLO.
Also, it's like Miss Manners always said: If you're shooting an anal scene, you've got to clean out your butt first. And buttholes can be, well ... buttholes. So after an hour of filming, you've digested your breakfast, and ... long story short, you've got to clean it out again. The best way to do that is with an enema. I was having a lot of anal one day thanks to two girls with strap-ons, and while I was in the bathroom cleaning out my butt, I saw James Franco next to me washing his hands. Apparently he was making some sort of art film in the same building. Someone walked by and said, "Hey, Mr. Franco!" I wanted to shake his hand, but ...
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