Been Having Sex

Been Having Sex
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Know that you’re not alone. There are many people who are celibate at some time in their lives. One study found that 14% of men and 10% of women had not had sexual intercourse in the preceding year. There are many changes and transitions in life that can lead to celibacy – involuntary or not. [1]
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Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.

Resist the urge to judge yourself harshly for being celibate. Ignore what you think society says about where you should be in your lifespan and whether you should be having sex, dating, married or with children. Your opinion of yourself is the most important one. The depression that can occur from celibacy can unfortunately prevent you from moving forward. [2]
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Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.

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Build your social skills. If you feel socially awkward or shy, you may have trouble meeting people. The most significant barrier to finding a sexual partner is shyness. [3]
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Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.

A general lack of social skills can also impede you from finding a sexual partner. [4]
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Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.

Work on improving your social skills so that you feel more comfortable meeting new people.

Work on your nonverbal communication. Your body language communicates certain messages to other people. If you stand away from a crowd, or you hunch your shoulders a lot, you may be nonverbally telling others to stay away from you. Try standing up straight with your shoulders back and your head held high. Stand closer to a group of people and listen with interest to their conversation. [5]
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Have a mental list of general conversation topics. If you find that you run out of things to say, you can prepare ahead of time with some general ideas about things to talk about. This can include the weather, your work or school, a recent movie, a hike you went on, and so on. [6]
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Practice your social skills with all kinds of people. You don’t need to save your social skills for potential partners. Try them out on the mail carrier or the grocery store clerk.

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Be proactive about your body image. Making your dive back to sexual activity pleasurable will build your confidence. Feeling self-conscious or embarrassed of your body can make sex needlessly uncomfortable. If you struggle with body image issues that are negatively affecting your sex life, then make it a priority to rectify what you can and accept what you cannot.

Join a gym to get some exercise. You don’t need to have a goal of losing 15 pounds, but the very action of getting some physical exercise can improve your confidence. [7]
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Trustworthy Source

Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source

It can also improve your sex life by boosting your energy.
Treat yourself to a new haircut or new underwear. Feeling sexy will help you remember what you like about sex and get you excited for the activity again.

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Get a private living situation. Address your life circumstances that may be holding you back and reducing your confidence. Whether the obstacle is where you live or other circumstances, take the steps to address that obstacle. [8]
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Research source
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., & Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary celibacy: A life course analysis. Journal of Sex Research, 38(2), 159-169.

You may be in a living situation where you don’t have a lot of privacy. You might live with a roommate or a family member. If you want to pursue a physical relationship with a partner, figure out ways to ensure you get the privacy you need. See if your roommate will go out for one or two evenings every week, for example.
You might consider getting your own place if your living situation isn’t allowing you enough privacy.

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Schedule a checkup with your doctor. Ensure you’re in fine form to have sex. Schedule a physical examination with your doctor. This can be especially helpful if you stopped having sex for health reasons, for example. [9]
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Research source

If you’ve had a baby recently, you will want to see your gynecologist to get a green light for sex. Many women who have given birth find sex to be uncomfortable or painful after childbirth. [10]
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Trustworthy Source

Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source

Your doctor can determine if there are any physical problems resulting from childbirth.

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Address sexual dysfunction. Perhaps you stopped having sex because things weren’t working properly for you. For example, maybe you weren’t having orgasms anymore. This doesn’t mean that you have to stop having sex entirely. There are many options for medications and other treatments for sexual dysfunction, both for men and women.

Be proactive about addressing dysfunction that you’re experiencing. Make an appointment with your doctor. He or she will be able to help you figure out the next step.
You may feel shy or embarrassed when talking to your doctor about issues pertaining to sex. But your doctor is there to help you live your life to the fullest and genuinely wants to help you. It might help talking with a female doctor if you’re a woman, or a male doctor if you’re a man.

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Treat depression or anxiety issues. Your mental health can affect how you respond to sex. If you are depressed, you might have decreased interest in sex. [11]
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Trustworthy Source

American Academy of Family Physicians
Organization devoted to improving the health of patients, families, and communities

Go to source

Address your depression or anxiety by seeing a counselor. This person will be able to help you dig into why you feel depressed or anxious. He or she can also give you strategies for coping with these disorders. Some signs of depression can include:

Significant loss of appetite or loss of weight.
Disrupted sleep (either unable to sleep or sleeping too much).
Fatigue or loss of energy.
Increased agitation or decreased movement noticeable by others.
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive.
Having difficulty concentrating or feeling.
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, attempting suicide or having a plan for suicide.
Talk with your doctor about medication. Depression and anxiety can be caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. Medications help correct those imbalances. Be warned, however, that some medications may reduce sexual interest or pleasure. Talk with your doctor to find the best option for you.

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Try online dating . If you’re having trouble meeting someone that you connect with, you might need to widen your circle of potential partners. Online dating sites are great places to find other people looking for relationships. This type of dating is much more common than it used to be, and chances are you’ll meet a wider range of people than you would in your everyday in-person life. [12]
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Reconnect with your spouse or partner. If you’re in a long-term relationship and the spark has fizzled, you might need to reconnect with your partner so that you start having sex again. Rediscover the affection and attraction that drew you two together in the first place.

Relive good memories. Revisit some of the places you went for dates when your relationship was new. Try some of the old restaurants or visit the beach where you used to have makeout sessions.
Overcome anger in your relationship by talking with each other. The relationship might be suffering because one or both of you are angry or resentful. It might take a while to get back to the good relationship, but talking about your problems is a good first step. You might think about visiting a marriage counselor.
Make sex a priority in your relationship. You might have to schedule time for it, especially if you have kids. Plan a date night, send the kids to the grandparents’ house, and have a fun time together.

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Practice flirting . When it comes to flirting, there are different styles of communication that have varied results. Flirtation styles include physical, sincere, polite, traditional, and playful. [13]
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Research source
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.

You will likely find more success with flirting and dating adopting a physical, sincere, and playful style rather than being especially polite or traditional. Also, the physical and sincere styles are even more conducive specifically for sexual activity. [14]
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Research source
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.

Physical flirting is where individuals show interest through physical touch, like touching someone’s shoulder.
Sincere flirting style is contingent on creating an emotional bond, and involves more self-disclosure than other styles, but also is non-sexual. [15]
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Research source
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.

Polite flirters are not comfortable being overtly sexual, and rigidly follow traditional courtship rules. [16]
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Research source
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.

Traditional flirting styles involve when men take the lead and are the aggressor. [17]
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Research source
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.

Playful flirters treat flirtation like a game, indiscriminately and openly showing their affection and regard for others. [18]
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Research source
Hall, J. A., Carter, S., Cody, M. J., & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 365-393.

If you have a long-term partner with whom you want to re-initiate sex, try flirting with him or her. Ignite the passion in your relationship that you have had in the past.

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Use assertive communication. When speaking with someone you are interested in, use assertive communication. Express your thoughts and feelings directly using "I" messages, such as, "I think you’re really cute." [19]
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Research source
Kubany, E., Bauer, G., Muraoka, M., Richard, D., & Read, P. (1995). Impact of labeled anger and blame in intimate relationships. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 14, 53-60.

If you have hit a "dry spell" in your long-term relationship, you might say to your partner: "I've noticed we haven't had sex in a long time, and I'd like to talk about it."

Even when speaking directly, be sure that both people are taking turns in the conversations. [20]
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Research source
Greene, J. O., & Burleson, B. R. (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychology Press.

Give the person a chance to speak by allowing for brief silences (usually a few seconds). [21]
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Research source
Greene, J. O., & Burleson, B. R. (Eds.). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychology Press.

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