Becoming Femme

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Becoming Femme
Le Femme has become a safe haven for transgender women finding their way in the world.
By Olivia Fleming Published: May 15, 2015
"Isn't teaching long-ingrained stereotypes of what society thinks a woman 'should' be a little backward?"
"It's about being comfortable in myself, and just feeling normal."
"Here, we can be who we are without ridicule."
"To do this, to live your life before it's too late, it takes a lot of courage."
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Wearing bright, Crayola-colored dresses and five-inch heels, eight perfectly coiffed women sit across from each other, their legs demurely crossed to the side, and begin debating the merits of diesel fuel over natural gas for 18-gear freightliner trucks—while deciding on the easiest way to get in and out of one in a short skirt. "You step up onto the board runner," says Andrea, 49, a former construction worker and tractor trailer driver. "Then you sit down, knees together, and swing your legs inside the car."
As the women continue to chatter, complimenting each other on their choice of bra ("It's Spanx! So it hooks in the front," comments one), while discussing the differences between designer stilettos ("I prefer Jimmy Choo over Christian Louboutin," says another), their matriarch Ellen Weirich declares that today, they will be learning how to walk gracefully in heels.
This month, the 47-year-old mother-of-three, who goes by Lady Ellen, is celebrating the tenth anniversary of Le Femme Finishing School , where from her house in New Jersey she has taught thousands of transgender women how to be, and act like, "ladies." Her services, priced between $30 and $200, include makeup tutorials, image and style consultations, deportment and etiquette classes, and lessons in "passing" as femme: learning how to prepare, present, and carry oneself in order to blend in with other women in public.
One by one, the women at today's workshop do their best to strut across Lady Ellen's living room as she films them from afar. Later, they are able to evaluate their own movements and decide what they would like to change. "Learning to walk in a new way, a feminine way, takes a lot of practice," Lady Ellen says reassuringly.
During the class, the more experienced women challenge each other aggressively ("Your arms are too far apart," "Stand up straight," "You rise like you're getting off a horse. Don't do that."), and with metaphorically puffed chests, they take the criticisms like men—that is to say, without the clichéd sensitivity society usually reserves for women, and attempt to digest each tip as best they can. For relatively new Le Femme member Charlene, a 52-year-old machinist who makes steel parts for a living, Lady Ellen is going over the basics: put your shoulders back, lead from the hips, walk with your feet close together, brush your hands against your sides, swing your arms, and relax your elbows. "It doesn't feel natural," says Charlene, who came out for the first time last year. "Well, it's not supposed to feel natural," counters Lady Ellen. "You walk like a man; that's natural to you. This is a feminine walk."
As a female spectator, it is hard to watch a group of transgender women trying to live up to such strict ideals of femininity and gender normativity that so many of us have spent years trying to challenge. Isn't teaching long-ingrained stereotypes of what society thinks a woman 'should' be a little backwards? Perhaps. But as Hari Nef, a transgender actress and model, explained in a recent interview for The Coveteur
, society bestows "more rewards and opportunities upon conventionally attractive, 'feminine' trans women." And in order for transgender women to feel safe enough to walk outside, they "are under an immense amount of pressure to 'pass' as cisgender," she said, adding that "every girl should do what she has to do to feel safe, loved, and secure." Still, as a self-described advocate for gender fluidity, Hari believes that the idea of having to "pass" at all is "bullshit": "There are so, so many ways to look like a 'woman'—there are so many different women to be," she said. "When it comes to beauty—trans or otherwise—there are no right answers."
Echoing Hari's response, Andrea, who in the 30 years of being "out" as a woman has had to ward off stalkers, death threats, and public bullying, agrees that many transgender women dress to fit in out of fear. "Sometimes you stand out because your makeup is not quite perfect, so you practice and you practice. Or your walk may not be as eloquent as it's supposed to be, and someone will say, 'Oop there's a tell.' So you're always paranoid, you're always wondering if somebody will notice," she explains. "You're very conscious of what people around you are saying, what they're doing, their gestures, and what they're looking at. Because they will not only judge, but actually attack you with verbal and physical harm."
But the women are also quick to point out how much they love the spectacle of dressing: the clothes, the makeup, the high-fashion accessories; and with it, their ability to construct a vision of themselves they had long kept from the outside world. "We just want to be pretty, inside and out. I think that really sums it up," Veronica, a retired chemical engineer, says to a chorus of curls nodding in agreement. For Reena, who came out nearly ten years ago but continues to work as a male repairing medical machines in hospitals and doctors' offices, it is being able to fall asleep in a pair of high heels that brings her the most joy. "I love shopping for shoes at Nordstrom, Lord & Taylor, and Bloomingdale's," she says, admitting that she has five closets, plus 100-feet of clothes in her basement.
Still, while she delights in the "shi-shi" aspect of dressing, Reena believes there is more to "being a lady" than overly pretty clothes. "It's about being comfortable in myself, and just feeling normal," she says. "I find that going to regular restaurants and regular bars dressed casually, I enjoy that—feeling part of the world—even more than getting glammed up to go someplace that's designed for transgender people." Reena has been married for 30 years and often shops her wife's closet (after a hip replacement and subsequent weight gain, she offered Reena all of her size eight clothes), but she has no intention of coming out at work. So for her, "feeling normal" is being able to come home and put on "a pair of jeans and a blouse, or a sundress in the summertime."
Finding that equilibrium, or inner peace, can take years, if not decades, says 64-year-old Margaux, who began dressing when she was 15 years old. "At the start, I went ultra femme: garter belts, seamed stockings, corsets, full on makeup—they are costumes in a way," she says. "Now I'm looking for something more natural when I dress." Sure, sometimes she wants to look as pretty as possible (don't we all?) and certain garments do make her feel more feminine, like Spanx ("It just pushes everything in and you just feel better! Healthier, and more sexy," she laughs); but the more comfortable she began to feel in her own femininity—which she describes as being "between the ears"—she began to realize she could wear men's clothes and still feel like a woman. "The girls clothes just make it fun!" she says. "Women have so many more options that men. Menswear is boring! Sure you can get a really nice English tailored suit or whatever, but women just have so many more options—it's not fair!"
Lady Ellen, who started her business with enough wigs, shoes, and makeup to fit into a suitcase (she now has hundreds of dresses, including 12 wedding gowns and dozens of heels ranging from size nine to 15 spread throughout her house, garage, and basement), believes that transgender women often "overdo femininity" in the beginning because they are afraid of being "imperfect," and therefore, being "caught out" in public. What she teaches at Le Femme, she says, enables her clients find balance through politeness, courtesy, and "ladylike mannerisms" before they are able to relax into their own skin. "Like a girl growing up in her teen years, these women experiment with different clothes, makeup, and hairstyles to try and find their self image. They may not dress the same now as when they first started dressing, because they realize it didn't suit their personalities. But now they've found what feels good on them, and like the rest of us, that also changes constantly."
But Lady Ellen's clients don't just use her for the vast wardrobe and lessons in etiquette. Unwittingly, years after her first encounter with an underage transgender woman at a New York City drag bar who was in need of some style advice, which would ultimately lead her to open Le Femme, Lady Ellen has built a strong community of transgender women from around the world. Located 30 miles from Newark Airport, Le Femme has hosted people from Switzerland, Belgium, Germany, Iceland, England, and South America, who all say they savor the "safe haven" she has created: "Here, we can be who we are without ridicule," explains Andrea. "It's one of the most important things we need."
After their workshop, Lady Ellen ushers the women around a long dining table set with pink porcelain china and shiny silverware, where they learn Emily Post-style table manners over an elaborate lunch, discussing everything from politics ("Obama has done a lot for the LGBT community, but we still have so far to go," decides one), to the hit Amazon Prime TV show Transparent , which follows a retired college professor grappling with the prospect of coming out to his own family. Not everyone has seen it, but the show's premise causes emotions to bubble over; and tears are delicately wiped away. "So many of us have similar stories," gestures Andrea by way of explanation, before revealing that she was disowned by her own parents. "There are so many lies involved; children don't see their parents, parents don't talk to their children."
For Margaux, who is out to all her friends but has a 26-year-old son who isn't talking to her, Transparent
's educated portrayal of the transgender community and its ability to highlight the courage it takes to face grown children at an older age, is nothing short of admirable. "For all my life I was trying to be a man, trying to please my dad, so I got married… and did all the 'right' things. But it's just horrible, really, to think of this life I tried to pursue. Now I'm trying to be true to who I am, trying to live my life," she says, adding that she wishes for nothing more than to be able to talk to her son about her transition. "To do this, to live your life before it's too late, it takes a lot of courage. Change is painful, change is hard. But once you do it, you get stronger."
Seven heads again nod in agreement. Andrea, who leads the transgender support group Delaware Renaissance , hopes that for those too afraid of being self-identified in public, or for those not yet willing to stand up "and be counted," Le Femme might offer them a new or alternative way of thinking. "Because even as horrifying as your family life is, if you don't choose to come out, or don't grow as the person you're supposed to be, you could be missing out on the most important person you will ever know in your life," she says. "And that's your true self."
Olivia Fleming is the former Features Director at HarpersBAZAAR.com . Born in New Zealand, Olivia was raised with two basic beliefs: That deep respect for the earth is a given, and women are imperative to leading a successful, progressive country (two female prime ministers took office during her childhood). But after moving to New York in 2008, she quickly realized that her status quo was at odds with the rest of the world. In an effort to change that—and to legitimize women's duel interest in fashion, politics, and human rights—Olivia focuses on female storytelling. From long-form features and ambitious packages, to new podcast initiatives that elevate the magazine's content mix across platforms, she champions the stories no-one else is telling.
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Being girly is a lot of work, but if you're determined, you can do it!
Girls are a diverse bunch. We come in all shapes and sizes, and we all have different personalities, hobbies, and likes and dislikes. There is no such thing as a "typical girl."
Almost everything that is traditionally considered to be feminine is taught to us by society from a very young age. You can see it in all the movies, magazines, and TV shows: girls are expected to look, dress, and act a certain way. And, though none of us have to follow these expectations that are set by the media, sometimes we want to paint our nails or wear winged liner, and that's ok!
So, if you'd like to embrace a more typically girly image, this guide will help you navigate the complicated expectations that women are often encouraged to meet. Whether you're preparing for an acting role, exploring gender identities, or just want to portray a certain image to your friends and family, this article will go into the ways you can adopt this image by doing all the "girly" stuff that you possibly can, such as:
From tips on your wardrobe and accessories to tips on how to behave, read on to find out how to be more stereotypically feminine.
For years, caring about your appearance has been traditionally associated with being more feminine. While this isn't necessarily true, you can choose to embrace the stereotype and make a big effort to adjust your appearance. Keep in mind, however, that caring about your appearance can be time-consuming. Choose the steps that give you joy, and skip the parts that seem like a chore!
Call it stereotypical or a result of popular culture, a girly girl never leaves the house without dabbing some makeup on and adjusting her appearance with a cosmetic product. Lip gloss, foundation, eyeliner, mascara, and powder are a few basic makeup items that you might want to carry in your handbag to touch up throughout the day. Wear more—such as eyeshadow, lipstick, foundation, and concealer—if you so wish!
Whether you are stepping out in your leggings to buy groceries at the supermarket or are hanging out with friends at the mall or park, take a quick look in the mirror and dab on a bit of makeup—it's the ultimate girly girl activity!
Remember, however, that you don't have to wear makeup. Make sure you do what you feel comfortable and confident in; if that means going out barefaced, so be it!
Girly girls are expected to put on makeup before leaving the house, no matter where they're going.
Traditionally, facial or body hair is an absolute no-no for girls. It may be impractical to be spotlessly clean every single day, but to embrace the stereotypically feminine image, you have to do everything it takes to mask unwanted facial or body hair.
From your brows to lips to arms to legs, being free of body hair will help you look the part of the traditionally feminine girl. This can include tweezing, epilating, waxing, threading, or shaving—do what you have to do to get the look you want! Or, if you're feeling lazy, just cover up your legs when you don't want to shave. No one will know the difference.
Again, you don't have to shave if you don't want to. It's totally cool if you want to skip the razor and wear shorts. As they say, long hair, don't care!
The most important thing you can do to help your appearance is to take care of yourself. Staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, managing your stress, and wearing sunscreen are everyday things that everybody, men and women, should make a habit of ! Luckily, doing all these things will also positively affect the appearance and strength of your skin, hair, and nails.
However, if you're looking for other ways to tweak your appearance, wearing makeup and removing unwanted body hair aren't the only things girls are expected to make a habit of. The stereotypical girly girl also has to obsess over her nails, hair, skin, lips, and other beauty-related aspects of her body.
To play into this image, you'll have to pay more attention to the nail color you wear, keep your skin moisturized at all times, style your hair, and look at all the other minute details that contribute to your overall look and make you feel sexy. Don't be shy of experimenting with bright and peppy colors for your nails, and don't back away from trying the latest hairstyles or dying your hair a daring color. There are many different ways to subtly change your appearance.
This can be a lot to take care of and can become quite expensive, so if it's not your thing, there's no need to make a habit of it. Do what makes you feel good.
Style is all about the accessories. Don't be afraid to change it up!
From short skirts and tight leggings to skinny jeans and hot pants, from frilly tops to shrugs to frocks, fill your wardrobe with clothes that are stereotypically girly and feminine.
Throw on a pair of skintight leggings for a quick visit to the mall and switch them up for some cute skinny jeans for a preppy, "going to the movies" look. On a sunny day at the beach, you can try wearing a bright-colored bikini, and try incorporating a short skirt into your outfit for a fun date or outing. An oversized shirt is perfect for those lazy Sunday mornings. And, of course, a black dress is a must for formal evenings!
Bright colors like pink, lavender, yellow, lime green, shades of orange, blue, mustard, and red are traditionally considered feminine. Unless you are looking for evening or formal wear, avoid dark shades like navy blue, black, burgundy or brown—since these are stereotypically must-haves in a man's wardrobe. However, if those are the colors you prefer to wear, have at it! You can totally be a girl and wear all black every day. What matters most is what you like!
Regardless of whether you need a bag to carry your books from the dorm to class or you want to take a few things for work, to be more feminine you will have to ditch the backpack for a tote bag or a clutch.
Avoid satchels and briefcases. Unless you are traveling, replace your backpack or duffle bag with a chic tote or handbag. Sometimes briefcases and backpacks are more practical though, so do what makes sense for the load you're carrying.
Heels and bright colors will make any outfit look a little more fancy.
Wearing heels will give your height a boost, lift your torso and accentuate your body lines in all the right places. To look more feminine, heels could possibly be your best friend.
If you can't handle stilettos or are used to wearing flat-soled shoes, start by wearing he
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