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Thanks for the Mammaries: The Best Breasts of 2012
From Kate Upton's particularly generous assets to Kristen Stewart's rookie topless performance, this year was all about the fairer sex showing us their lovely breasts. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are our favorites for 2012
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Technically eligible because of Titanic 's 3D re-release, Kate Winslet has to win the award for most pronounced PG-13 breast display ever. And you've got to love a girl who is willing to strip for the scruffy underdog in order to piss off her asshole boyfriend. It's timeless.
Olivia Munn has said in interviews that her topless scene in Magic Mike was no big deal. Tell that to all of the G4 fanboys who nearly suffered pulmonary episodes because of it. Credit to her and Soderbergh though, it was a welcome surprise for all of the unsuspecting men who were dragged to the movie by their wives and girlfriends.
It took 9 episodes for the second season of Homeland to get to the important stuff: Morena Baccarin's boobs. Thankfully though we were finally treated to a topless shot of super-milf Jessica Brody having yet another dalliance with hubby substitute Mike Faber. Here's hoping that season three will do better at cutting to the chase.
There may have been a prohibition on liquor in Lawless but nudity was strictly within the rulebook. Thank God for small favors. Ms. Chastain's pert pair make their appearance courtesy of a love scene with Tom Hardy's gangster moonshiner Forrest Bondurant. A perfect union of lusty and badass if ever there was one.
5. Kaitlyn Leeb (the Three-breasted Woman), Total Recall
It seems pretty safe to say that the only reason this awful remake happened was that some Hollywood producer really wanted to see an updated three-breasted woman. There have been worse reasons to green light a project. And Kaitlyn Leeb is a definite upgrade over the original. Although one can't help but wonder what the lovely Miss Leeb would look like sans prosthetic mutant deformity.
In the world of magazines there are great covers and then there are great covers. Not to toot our own horn but Kate Upton on the cover of our July issue in a bikini top is pretty much legendary . Of course most of the credit has to go to Kate and her spectacular endowments. Here's to the issue voted most likely to reside beneath a teenage boy's mattress for 2012.
7. Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Client List publicity campaign
Last February the streets of New York City became a very dangerous place for its male (and some female) inhabitants. Splashed across buses, posters, and subway platforms were enormous shots of the already ample cleavage of one J. L. Hewitt, courtesy of what can only be called the greatest ad campaign of all time. While many of us may not have actually watched The Client List , we appreciated the fact that our last moments in life before being hit by that cab were spent gazing into the almost mythologically perfect breasts of Jennifer Love Hewitt.
You kind of get the feeling by episode 9 of the 5th season of Californication that the writers aren't even trying to come up with reasons for women to get their kits off. When Sarah Power bursts into Hank Moody's trailer on the set of Santa Monica Cop and whips out her ladies, only the thinnest of plot points is used as an explanation. Fortunately we don't really care. Why bother with all that storytelling when there is a voluminous and very lovely pair of breasts to exhibit? Thank you Sarah Power for taking what is normally the provenance of the casting couch and putting it up on the screen.
8. Camilla Luddington, Californication
Ahh the nanny fantasy. A true classic if ever there was one. Only in the highly fictional TV universe of _Californication _would a woman as beautiful as Camilla Luddington's Lizzie engage in sexual congress with a man as unpleasant to behold as her employer Charlie Runkle. But thankfully she did, and so we the lucky viewers benefit by gazing upon her lovely English globes. And Mary Poppins fantasies everywhere were given a fresh breath of life.
11. Alison Pill of The Newsroom accidentally tweets a topless photo
Well that's a fine how-do-you-do! If only more actresses were this inept at technology, social media would be so much more enjoyable. Although the question is still out on whether this really was an accidental tweet by Alison Pill, no one is going to argue when a perfectly nice pair of breasts pops up on their twitter feed. Better than pics of someone's breakfast.
10. Jamie Lynne Grumet, breastfeeding mom on the cover of Time
If ever a cover inspired some seriously complicated feelings, this was the one. For most of us of the male persuasion, our minds were pinballing between the fact that we were looking at a lovely breast and the fact that there was a 3-year-old kid attached to it. Grumet is a hottie, no doubt about it, and her perkiness is impressive, but there is something just way too Oedipal about this whole operation. Ditch the kid and then we'll talk.
12. Michelle Williams and Sarah Silverman, Take This Waltz
On paper this seems like a great idea: two beautiful women completely naked in the shower? Sign me up. In practice, not so much. Both Silverman and Williams are perfectly fine breast-wise, but there is something so utilitarian about the scene that it is stripped of anything that could be considered sexy. We appreciate the effort, but it's sort of like, oh hey look at that, a couple of lovely ladies in the showe...oh, god no, she's pumicing her bunions.
There is a moment in every young actresses life when she seeks to shed the PG-13 image of her teenage self and embrace her now fully formed womanhood. Some do it by digging deep and pouring themselves into their craft, hoping that through an intense amount of effort they can generate a performance that will be thought of as truly profound. Others just show off their cans. Thank the good Lordy our gloomy little Kristen is the latter as Neal Cassady's girlfriend in this long awaited film version of Kerouac's novel.
When faced with a topless and beautiful but crazy stalker in your home, what do you do? Matt LeBlanc just kicks her out, but I'm sure there are those among us who would think twice before such a hasty action. And did I mention she also bakes cookies? Tough call.
The 2012 award winner for best breasts covered in blood. It's just, you know, vampires and sex and shit. No explanation needed.
17. Ésme Bianco, Natalie Dormer, and Carice van Houten, Game of Thrones
Come on guys, it's Game of Thrones. We'd expect nothing less.
16. Anna Hutchison, The Cabin in the Woods
It just wouldn't be a good year if there wasn't a horror movie where a bunch of young friends go to a house/cabin/Mexican beach/abandoned carnival and sleep with each other and then get slaughtered. Fortunately for us 2012 was a good year. A big shout out to super hot New Zealander Anna Hutchison for unveiling her perfect breasts, mounting a dude in the woods, and then satisfying our latent blood-lust.
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