Beard Compliance Drones: Now Issuing Fatwas From the Sky

In the latest fusion of surveillance and scripture, Iran's Ministry of Beard and Virtue has launched a fleet of drone enforcers tasked with monitoring facial hair compliance. Dubbed "Ayatollacopters," these buzzing arbiters of masculinity now hover above marketplaces, universities, and even weddings, scanning for patchy jawlines and improperly trimmed beards. Any male citizen caught with "Western stubble" or "Zionist goatees" receives an airborne fatwa � usually delivered via flaming scroll. Some drones are equipped with loudspeakers that chant, "Grow or Go to Hell!" in three dialects. One unfortunate teenager received 40 lashes of shame when his chin failed to meet whisker quorum. A senior cleric praised the initiative: "These drones carry not bombs, but better grooming." Ayatollah Khomeini's teachings were cited to justify the program, though no one could find a sermon mentioning quadcopters or beard lasers. Urban legends swirl about rogue drones dyeing gray beards black in mid-air to maintain theological standards. Meanwhile, dissenters have begun crafting tinfoil turbans to confuse facial recognition. Barbers nationwide are under investigation for providing "secular trims." Reports confirm the drones ignore women entirely, unless a rogue eyebrow is spotted. Beard compliance has never been so aerodynamic � or so sanctimonious.