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Watch : "Dating #NoFilter" Goes BDSM With a Spanking Class
Dating #NoFilter returns early 2020, only on E!
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In this clip from Tuesday's new Dating #No Filter , enthusiastic blind dater Abby dabbles in BDSM for the first time. The problem is, Abby isn't totally sure she's into BDSM. In fact, when her match Jewel reveals their debut date activity—a lesson on "how to give a good old-fashioned spanking," proctored by a professional who informs the pair right away that "one's gonna take it and one's gonna receive it" during the course of their rendezvous—she looks downright terrified.
"Poor Abby, get her outside!" shouts comedian Cara Connors , before co-commentator Nina Parker chimes in. "Abby is like, 'I did not know this is what I was gonna do today when I woke up and put on my little purple t-shirt,'" cracks the Nightly Pop co-host.
And pan back to Abby, who's already admitted she's never really done this before but is moseying on over to the "spank bench" nonetheless, where Jewel (a BDSM fan who's loving this right now) is about to show her how it's done.
"You will receive 10 on each cheek and you will endure it," she instructs, to which Abby—bent over the apparatus already, t-shirt, denim jacket and all—solemnly says, "OK." They do agree on a safe word though! Per Abby's suggestion, it's "mercy".
"I'm saying 'mercy' for her," Nina interjects, as Jewel counts, "Three, four, five…"
Cara points out that "they haven't even asked each other their favorite color yet," and her partner agrees this is quite the installation of introductory foreplay. "Like, let me at least get an appetizer first!" Nina exclaims.
Think these two make it to dinner? Evaluate the spanks, uh, sparks, for yourself in the full clip above!
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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
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