Bdsm Trust

Bdsm Trust
What Is the Importance of Trust In BDSM?
The idea of good and bad when it comes to sex is entirely subjective, but it’s largely true to say that if ‘good’ sex is of the body, then ‘good’ BDSM is of the mind. That is to say, if sex is the physical act of love, then BDSM is the psychological act of love. And yet, sex and BDSM are not necessarily different things, nor are they the same. They can be part of each other, and they can be the opposites of each other. They can exist together or independently, and in both cases they are equally strong and equally satisfying. Together, they are more than the sum of their parts.
Does that sound confusing? It should, because the relationship between sex and BDSM is a complex one, especially if you’re a bondage beginner . That means that there’s one element of the participants’ relationship that’s more important than any other: trust.
Let’s define a couple of terms, starting with BDSM itself. There are several different interpretations of this acronym and none of them are set in stone. A good way to think about it is not as a single acronym, but a blend. It looks something like this:
We’re talking more about the domination/submission elements of BDSM here, with some reference to restraints and impact play, although the concept of trust really underpins any healthy BDSM activity or relationship.
Offering your submission to someone requires an extraordinary amount of trust, not to mention bravery and confidence too. In doing so, you are making a very bold statement, and the implication of it is that you expect that trust not to be abused by the receiver. Accepting someone’s submission is similarly an exercise in trust: you have to acknowledge that they’ve put a lot of faith in you and respect it, because the moment this trust is damaged for any reason or withdrawn, as is the right of the giver. You must also recognize it might be impossible to earn it back.
That is the truth of sexual dominance: it’s not about demanding submission, but earning it. Being a trustworthy person is absolutely fundamental to that.
When you’re on the outside of such a relationship, you might be tempted to think the participants are unequal, particularly in a D/s relationship. But the truth is quite the opposite. Dom and sub are two sides of the same coin, both equally dependent on each other.
And it’s the trust between the partners on which everything hinges. Trust is the pivot that keeps them equally aligned and perfectly weighted. Whenever a BDSM relationship is abusive, it’s because of the absence of trust, and by extension the absence of respect.
(This, incidentally, is the essential reason why Christian Grey is the subject of so much criticism: disregarding all the arguments about poor writing and characterization, at the most fundamental level Christian Grey is simply not a trustworthy person. As such the intimacy between him and Ana Steele feels dangerously out of synch with the real life tenets of positive BDSM. It is purely because more experienced readers of 50 Shades don’t see anything to trust about him, and therefore struggle to relate to him as a ‘good’ Dom.)
Depending on the dynamics of the relationship, the enactment of any kind of BDSM activity is essentially a continuous dialogue between the participants, both verbal and non-verbal, and the better the communication, the better the sex . This dialogue is incredibly important because, at the risk of over generalizing here, the emotions wrapped up in a BDSM relationship are more intense and than those of a non-kink relationship.
The emotions of participants in D/s relationships often need more support, more analysis and more understanding than other types of relationships, and as such there needs to be constant communication. The trust required to bare your most honest feelings is profound and unquestionable.
There are many excellent guides and resources for those looking to add a BDSM element to their existing relationship, or embark on a new one. The key thing to remember is that at all points, your ability to have your needs heard, respected, and met (within reason), should never be questionable.
Donna is a Volonté contributor and freelancer who lives in San Francisco with her understanding husband and not-so-understanding teenage sons. Her work has been published in The Journal of Sexology and she is currently writing a book on love languages.
Very insightful article that should be read by anyone whose education about D/s relationships comes from “50 Shades,” as well as by all of the 20-year-old “Domly Doms” on FetLife who think it’s as easy as ordering a self-identified sub online to drop to her knees & suck his cock.
Thank you for the comments! I like to call those online doms ‘bulldoms’ because all they understand is blunt force. But every Dom has to start somewhere, right?
How to fulfill my bdsm desire of sex in a very cultural state of living with full of spiritual icons?
My story is very complex. We are full BDSM, however he was diagnosed with epilepsy and now because of medical and how much he’s changed my trust is gone. He can no longer read my body and I’m a masochist that needs release from emotional and mental pain that’s not always sex. When I try he goes too hard too fast and stops thinking. I don’t trust him or that I would even safeword. I’ve let him beyond my hard limits to try to please him but it’s like I’m not there. He loves me very much and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me but we are at a breaking point. I don’t know how to learn to trust him again.
Wow. I don’t know your history with this person but that is just NOT okay.
Play is a two way street.. the Dom should be connected to you at every moment of the journey. They are there to give you exactly what you need and desire, taking you on an exilerating journey of emotions and endorphins.
I take it he’s a genuine Sadist right ? Sadism requires a lot of empathy.. so it always concerns me when people are pushed to far into real pain and fear and panic. Sometimes I can’t help but think the top knows this and loves making you kiss a state of suffering. NOT COOL EVER.
BDSM should never hurt the person emotionally.. it can be painful, intense, a cathartic journey or sometimes just light and playful but never should the sub enter a state of suffering.
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what it all means for a new submissive
White Lesson 8/30 Trust in BDSM What you will need to complete today’s lesson : 1X Ice cream stick painted white. Today we are going to learn about TRUST in the BDSM community.
Last lesson we discussed Honesty, and Trust goes with Honesty, they work together, but how do we build up the Trust ? The answer is time. According to most vanilla people BDSM is about the pain, and the sex. But it’s not about the pain, and sex, it’s about Trust and Honesty. The first thing I want to say about Trust is the Trust comes from yourself. No one can make you Trust them. We Trust others to the extent that we Trust ourselves, we Trust ourselves to make good decisions. When Trust is broken or betrayed, you might feel that it has been so damaged you can never Trust again. It destroys D/s and relationships and hobbles one”s ability to relate to others because Trust is one of the key foundations in a BDSM relationship. What does Trust mean in a D/s relationship ? Trust is one of the four basic building blocks to any Dominant submissive or BDSM relationship. A successful BDSM relationship is built on this concept of Trust. Trust is difficult to define because it means different things to different people. And ut us one if the key foundations in a BDSM relationship. Whether it is Trusting limits that will be respected, Trusting of judgment in making decisions, or Trusting in aftercare and follow through, there are a wide and diverse range of issues to be considered. If we look at Webster and his dictionary, we find Trust is defined as “Confidence” in the integrity, ability, character, and Trust of a person or thing. One in which confidence is placed. Custody, care. Something committed into the care of another, charge. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence place in one. Reliance on something in the future, hope. Reading that definition makes a few people I know wonder if perhaps Mr. Webster was a participant in this lifestyle. Read through the definition a second time, look to see how many of those words are key elements of a Dominant/submissive or BDSM relationship?
In finding your Dominant, aren’t you looking for someone that fits this description refectly ? As a submissive, you are getting ready to turn your whole life over to Him, you’re expecting Him to have the ability to care for you, and you’re expecting He’s been honest and forthright with you. It doesn’t end that simply, it’s not just a matter of the Dominant being open and honest with the submissive, the submissive also has a responsibility to be just as open with the Dominant. Regardless of the role in this lifestyle, misleading your partner can only end up backfiring on you. Whatever the cost, whatever the effort involved, both the Dominant and the submissive must make every effort to always be open, Honest and Trustworthy. If issues are approached in the initial stage of a relationship that you’re not quite ready to reveal to your partner, then that should be stated. Don’t try to skirt the issue; don’t try telling a “white lie” to get around it. Be open and Honest; tell your partner you are not ready to discuss that issue. Given time, and a bit of patience, as you begin to truly Trust your partner you’ll find yourself beginning to open up.
Trust, like love doesn’t happen instantly. Yes we have all learned to develop a bit of an instinct or inner feeling, and for most of us, more often than not, if we follow those feelings we’ll find we’re right. But true unquestioned Trust will take time to establish. Trust like love, is a verb. When we Trust we rely on something or someone we are trusting. When we can be relied upon we are being Trustworthy. Even though this word is only five letters, it is very big in its meaning and in its function. In the world of D/s Trust is the foundation upon which everything else is built. Before a submissive can give herself completely to her Dominant she must know that she can TRUST Him. The submissive must be able to Trust the Dominant to respect the submissive’s limits, and that He will not hurt the submissive, the submissive must know that the Dominant will always have safety first on His mind, and will not leave the submissive without the basic necessities of life. The Dominant must be able to Trust the submissive to carry out the needed tasks, obey, please, and to be fully faithful and safe in the same way that He, as a Dominant, is expected to do. Always remember that full and complete Trust in your partner will be the difference between a successful D/s relationship and a relationship filled with hurt, fear and danger. You’re not going to just let someone tie you up if you don’t Trust them are you ? So without Trust in a BDSM relationship you don’t have one of the main building blocks of the very foundation that you D/s relationship is built on. Be Predictable —– predictability builds Trust. Be Reliable — Trust is just another way of saying you can rely on someone. You Trust your Dominant/submissive to do certain things no matter what at all times. This Trust builds security in a Dominant/submissive relationship. The same thing is true when you are able to depend on all the other things that happen in a relationship to be just as reliable.
Mean what you say — Your partner can read your face better than anyone else. If you are lying, or trying to hide some true feeling by not quite saying all that is on your mind, they will be able to tell. They might even think you are cheating, which can tear down the Trust in your relationship. When they know they can Trust whatever comes out of your mouth without hesitation, then you are building a bond that can be unshakable. Have faith in your Dominant/submissive capabilities. In other words, if you believe at all that they are not competent in some things, or all things they do, your Trust in them will not be solid. If this is the case, you need to be up front with them on the issues in an Honest and loving manner. This will allow you to work through this and keep the Trust with each other. Be up front with each other — Don’t keep anything hidden, nothing should be privileged and kept from the other. You have to know that sooner or later all things come to light, and the consequences of not being completely Truthful, will kill the Trust, and ruin your relationship, Trust your Dominant — How can your Dominant Trust you when you don’t Trust Him ? Having Trust takes two people, and without one person building Trust too, it’s like a fish without water.
What happens when you in an online Dominant/submissive relationship ? Because then Trust is the only answer because in most relationships, the Dominant provides a formal structure that the submissive must adhere to. If the relationship is long distance, the Dominant only has the submissive’s word that they are adhering to boundaries, and truly performing tasks established by the Dominant. The Dominant must Trust in the submissive’s word that they are doing as they are directed. Sometimes, it is so tempting to merely say, “Yes, I did or didn’t do something,” when in reality you are telling a lie to make your life a little easier. The submissive also has to Trust that the Dominant will fulfil their responsibilities to the submissive. If the Dominant does not fulfil these responsibilities, the submissive may slowly start to rebel, often not realizing what they are doing until it is too late. The decisions and choices you make with respect to unsupervised obedience will be your own.
TRUST means that you as a submissive know that your Dominant will do the following : 1) Can I as a submissive Trust you as my Dominant not to harm me ? 2) Can I as a submissive Trust you as my Dominant to keep me safe ? 3) Do I as a submissive behave in ways that are Trustworthy toward my Dominant ? 4) Will I as the submissive promise to always be Trustworthy toward my Dominant ? 5) A question for the Dominant partner. Will you as my Dominant always be Trustworthy toward me ? 6) Can you think of a few more questions, if yes write them down, and ask you Dominant ? Today’s to do list : 1) After reading everything today spend a few moments thinking about Trust, and then please answer all the above questions in your discussion section of your file, and send the answers you came up with to your Dominant. 2) Write about Trust in your discussion section of your file and send a photo of it to your Dominant. 3) Write Trust on your Ice cream stick and keep it.
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BDSM in the Relationship August 17, 2020 In "BDSM"
What is a Fetish May 11, 2022 In "BDSM"

I love to read, walking along beaches, hiking in the mountains. I'm a little shy at first and I have a Daddy Dom, he is always away, in the Military US.
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Would you let someone you don’t trust spank you, tie you up, and call you names? Probably not. Trust is integral to a BDSM relationship and is ultimately what makes any kind of power exchange so hot. Taking another person’s control away or letting them take it from you is thrilling, risky, and raw. Without trust, neither partner can completely let go and enjoy the moment. But with trust, BDSM and power exchange can bring partners closer together and eventually pave the way to rougher or riskier play.
Building trust in a BDSM relationship—or any relationship, for that matter—is impossible without communication. And the more openly and honestly you communicate with your partner, the more you’ll trust each other. Obviously you need to discuss hard and soft limits, but it’s equally important to talk about each other’s desires and fantasies and listen non-judgmentally. It’s also crucial to be able to truthfully debrief after scenes and go over what worked or didn’t work and why. If you know you can communicate your feelings and ideas without fear of criticism or rejection, you’re more likely to keep doing so throughout your relationship. Conversely, if you get into the habit of hiding how you really feel about various aspects of your dynamic or reacting negatively when your partner tries to communicate, trust will erode. Good communication fosters trust, and trust, in turn, fosters more and better communication.
One of the most basic tests of trust in a BDSM relationship is honoring limits and safewords. But to respect limits, one must be able to communicate them first. Years ago, during a negotiation, Vagabond asked a sub what she was into, and she replied, “you know, the usual.” Due to her inability to communicate what she wanted, the resulting “scene” was borderline vanilla since Vagabond had no information with which to construct an actual scene. On the other hand, when Vagabond and I first started dating, even though I didn’t have as much experience as he did, I was very clear about what I liked and didn’t like and what I wasn’t sure about but was willing to try. Right off the bat, my transparency and honesty allowed him to trust me.
Once you’ve established a level of trust where you know you and your partner will respect each other’s limits and communicate openly, the real fun can begin be
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