Bdsm Submissive

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Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle. However, many submissive beginners are lost. They don’t know what the BDSM role entails. Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel complete. But being a sub is a lot of work. Physically, mentally, and sexually. How can you successfully meet the challenge? Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.
I have a FREE cheatsheet for you to help put these ideas into practice! Click the button below to get it right now.
First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat. They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly. A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway. They want someone who truly desires to be owned.
Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused. Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords. If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone. True submission has to be earned first. There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.
The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control. They crave being used and need to serve. They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital. A submissive can take on many different roles such as:
They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually. This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.
It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed. Subs aim to conduct themselves in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.
Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children. It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.
Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.
One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom. In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions. I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.” In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.
A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder. Proactively thinking what the Dom needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.
One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must. They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.
Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset. They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom. This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies. Ways they can do this are:
True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval. ♥
It’s hard to find educated people for this topic, however, you seem like you know
what you’re talking about! Thanks
Glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping by!
Thanks for visiting the site! There are lots of online and offline BDSM communities you could check out. I list some of my favorite places in Dom Sub Training, and give my step-by-step tips to find a partner. If you don’t have a Dom yet, you can also help prepare yourself with this article here: https://domsubliving.com/exactly-what-when-you-dont-have-partner/
My Dom found me on a dating site. So was not expecting it. But now I know, he was what I had needed. So thankful that I did not swipe left! Would have missed out on an amazing opportunity!
Don’t have the answer, I want to know too.
Hi Barbara! I know it can be hard to find a Dom. That’s why in Lesson 3 of Dom Sub Training I share the exact process in detail to find a genuine, long-term partner. If you don’t have a Dom yet, you can also help prepare yourself with this article here: https://domsubliving.com/exactly-what-when-you-dont-have-partner/. Take care!
I found mine on a dating app, wasn’t expecting it, we just work
I have to agree. The info I pick up from here has been a huge and comforting help. THANK YOU
Thank you! You’re very sweet, Kimberly. ❤️
Hello, I am a sub and I’ve been with my Dom for 2 years and I will say at the beginning of our relationship I felt like I was a better sub and general life/work did hinder that. But this year I took a secret vow to serve better, I’ve been allowing myself to give in more, to listen better to suggestions and when he’s not around I’ve been challenging myself to see things more his way. It’s honestly helped me more at my job and motivated me to be the best I can be especially since I have a hard time with depression/ptsd. I feel more fulfilled seeing him so pleased with me when I do a good job.
That’s awesome, Elizabeth! Thank you for sharing.
Hello, I was wondering how to became a better sub with detail. I don’t want to lose who I am as a person I’m free and sarcastic. My dom and I don’t want to lose that. So how does it work being who I am along with being a good sub. I’m really trying to make it work but I need help.
Hi Mallory! Be sure to download the free guide above fore more details about how to become a better sub. 😉
Thank you … yes have been in around and deeply involved in the leather/boot/SM/BD scenes, and there is always a craving for more…lots more. submitted to some excellent MASTERS too !!
Thanks for this info. As a sub I struggle with being a sub outside of the bedroom. I’m a confident, independent strong person but I love pleasing Sir in the bedroom. I’ve fought very hard to be the person that I am today. Being completely subservient feels like a betrayal to that battle and the person I’m now proud to be.
Thank you so much for reading! It can be hard to take the submissive personality out of the bedroom and into everyday life. You can still be a confident, independent, and strong individual and still be a sub. Just remember: you are not weak. You are the one choosing this lifestyle for yourself. Your submission is a gift that only you have the power to give. If being completely subservient feels too scary at first, start small. Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Give hime the opportunity to make choices for you. I’m sure you will see how empowering choosing to obey is. It will get easier with time, and soon you will begin to crave more and more. I hope this helps, and thanks again for stopping by!
I would really like to know more if you can tell me more im a beginner sub and I don’t know what im doing I just what to make my master happy
Hi Alora! That’s awesome you’re wanting learn more so you can make your Master happy. Make sure to sign up for the “How to be a Good Sub” cheat sheet in this article. You can also check out the “Dom Sub Training” eCourse to help you be a better sub. Thank you for visiting!
Georgia, I too struggle with this. I’ve been out of the lifestyle for a while, and was much less goal-oriented and successful than I am now. It was easier to be a sub when I was not so confident and independent. I’m trying to remember I do this in order to relinquish control BECAUSE I feel too in control in my work life. I do it to feel owned because it fills a hole in my life, to feel someone depends on me entirely for their pleasure because I feel whole when I please someone. It’s a daily struggle, but that’s part of why I do it as well, because I like a challenge.
I really enjoyed reading this. I was out of the life style for awhile but then met a man with similar desires and much knowledge. I am finding it hard to go back to the role while we are apart but as with anything I know this takes time to accomplish. Thank you for this article..
Angie,
Thank you so much for your comment! It can be very hard to stay in our role as a submissive, and you’re right that it will take time. What matters most is that you don’t give up and that you keep trying to give your Dom your best. I’m happy for you to be back in the lifestyle again. ????
So I have been with my master for six years. We started the Dom/sub lifestyle right before we got married and have been on and off with it for three years which is how long we have been married. I used to love it but since I had out little girl in August of last year the desire has plummeted. My master wants consistency which is understandable but I find it hard to juggle it all. I have tried to talk to Master about it but I feel like I just make him feel like I just don’t want to please him anymore.
As a parent of four myself, I have been where you are.
Your Master is having trouble adapting to the parental role, and isn’t (yet) willing to scale back on the dominance. The fact that he isn’t willing to discuss this with you is a serious red flag. He got used to having your service 24/7 and now has to share you.
One thing I know that parental D/s couples do is schedule weekends where the offspring is cared for while the couple goes away to a “neutral” site to resume their roles.
I would suggest that you consider arranging such a weekend. You go into your roles, let him get back into his comfortably, and then humbly ask to talk to him. If he doesn’t agree to allow this, another red flag.
If he does agree, offer future weekends of this nature. Promise to be the best sub you can be, and then follow through.
Also offer to submit anytime the parental role can be set aside for a few hours. You will have to work out how to communicate this opportunity and how to accept it.
Your skills as a loving sub will be heavily taxed. If you pull it off, the rewards will have been worth the effort.
I wish you all the luck and best wishes in the world.
I am a newb in the D/s world, but have been a mama for 6.5 years to two boys. The year or so after birth, your hormones are still highly changeable and it’s a wild ride without the D/s power exchange. Add in breastfeeding, and for me, a major piece of my being a sub (sexual desire/desire in general) was all but non-existent.
Give yourself time to adjust to what is in reality a new body, a new way of relating to both the world AND yourself. And as was suggested for discussing this with your Dom, if he refuses to see you, hear you, respect you…major red flags. We counterintuitively hold much of the power here. Please make sure you’re actually being taken care of. And congratulations on your babe.
Hi, I’m trying to get into the lifestyle but I don’t know the first steps I should take. Do you have any advice? I’m really interested and have done some research and I feel like it would be the lifestyle for me. Thanks in advanced!
Hi Meghan! Getting started in the lifestyle can be challenging, but you’re not alone! The above article and cheat sheet can help you get into the mindset and help you focus on your new identity. If you want to progress more you can find a partner to start enjoying the lifestyle more fully. I have tips plus step-by-step guides in my structured training program, Dom Sub Training. It can help you find a genuine partner and make BDSM a way of life. Keep working at it, and I can’t wait to hear what progress you make in the future!
I’m enjoying your blog! My Sir and I have been livinga Dom/sub 24/7 lifestyle for three years now and we love it! I have one comment to the other female subs who are worried about losing their strong, independent personality, and that is to know that the sub is the one with the control in these relationships. So although you are doing anything your Dom asks of you within your limits and your goal is to make him happy, you get to determine what your limits are and then let him surprise you from there and satisfy your needs too!
I’m so glad you’re enjoying the blog! Thank you for your kind advice for other subs. You’re definitely right that a submissive has a lot of control in a BDSM relationship.
From a Dom’s point …one of the things that I have found and still working on is my sub is in need of someone that she can talk to..I realize this is a personal decision but the few friends she has trusted enough to tell them who and what she is …seem to snub her . The worse part is she is an ex-mormon and with children..we do not live together but I am with her every day…There use to be a site of like minded people but the sub of that site has died and the site is no longer available…we are constantly looking for local groups but nothing that has come up as of yet…Guess I’m just rambling..Thanks for the listen.
Thank you so much for your insight as a Dom. You’re totally right that a sub needs someone to talk to and feel comfortable with. Hopefully there will be more acceptance of the lifestyle someday.
A sub should always feel comfortable being able to talk to the dom. It shouldn’t ever be a issue. I am a dom with my sub/wife of 30 yrs. she is able to talk to me about anything on her mind. I don’t stop her. Communication between dom/sub is key to succeeding in the lifestyle.
Exactly, Kevin! As long as it is done respectfully, a sub should always feel comfortable talking to their Dom.
I am so happy to find you and your blog.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I want to be a good sub. And I am new to this. However, it’s quite amazing how my personality and lifestyle before finding my Master, so much aligns.
Where do you go to find a Dom what do u ask him so u aren’t with someone that is cruel in punishment
Be sure to check out this article to help you! 😉
So happy to find you and this blog. Great info! I am a new sub and an older sub…just discovering the real me! My Dom is new as well. I want to please him all the time, but he has a stressful job and sometimes like to lash out at me and says hurtful things. When I call him out on it and am honest about how much what he’s said has hurt me, he says I’m not being a good sub and I’m topping from the bottom.
Hi Stacy. Topping from the Bottom is an issue you can read about here. But you’re right that you should be able to talk about your feelings with him when you’re emotionally hurt. It might be that how you’re communicating with him about it can be making him get defensive, so just make sure you are being respectful. Telling a Dom respectfully how you feel hurt when they do something doesn’t mean you’re not being a good sub. A good Dom would understand that.
is he doing it in sex as a degrader or sadist, and it turns him on or in your regular interaction? Topping from the bottom is different than speaking up because someone is hurting you. A good dom is there to better you and please you, not abuse you. Being dominated is not being abused and treated like you’re below him. If anyone is hurting you (as in not giving you pleasure), he isn’t doing it right. A good dom is also humble, generous and kind, wants to know how you feel so he can make you happy, and allows you express yourself without getting emotional. Hope you can express yourself and he strives to become a better dom, good luck!
I’m learning to be master sub very slowly. One of my biggest problems is that I do not like the word no and have trouble obeying when told no. I have the wanting to please and be owned by master qualities but I struggle with giving up complete control as I have always been a control freak which is one of the many reasons my Master and I choose this lifestyle is to help me give up control.
Hi Cristina! I completely understand that it can be hard to give up control. You can read the tips for topping from the bottom to help you. Being comfortable with giving up control will take some time, so try to be patient and focus on how being obedient benefits you and your relationship.
I am not a sub…yet…I would like to….but dont know if i can submit…can you give me some advice?
Sure, Stacey! Make sure you figure out first WHY you want to be a submissive, and what you hope to get out of it. In the beginning, it’s best to focus on the basics, and you can check those out here. Take it very slow, and remember to have fun!
Please help me as clarity. I’m considering entering a Dom/Sub dynamic. I haven’t been offered a collar and I’m not 100% sure I’d accept. Would being used sexually be the acts of a slave? Would something like that be considered for a little? I know it all depends on the contract and understanding.
Hi Danie! Both slaves and littles can be used sexually. It all depends on what you’re comfortable with. Have fun!
Unlike most of the previous replies, i am male with a female dom. She is so special, funny, caring, sexy yet tough and demanding. The intimacy and trust levels we achieve thru her bdsm domination of me are incredible. Unfortunately we live some distance apart, but when we do get together the connection is electric. I am constantly thinking ways to try and please her and show my loyalty.
I respect her and dont want to appear a pest by texting and calling all the time. Any suggestion on how to help maintain a long distance D/s relationship for both our benefit.
Thanks for your comment, Bill! You can check out this article here for tips on how to help maintain a long distance D/s relationship.
No matter how hard I try I’m very self conscious. So when my Dom wants me to do something different that I haven’t done before I shut off and just get very self conscious and embarrassed. I know that confidence comes with time but I don’t want to let him down as a sub. And I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job being a sub either.
A lot of subs feel that way, Erin. The best way to get over being self-conscious is to remember that your #1 job is to focus on your Dom, and not yourself. You can even have a mantra to repeat when you feel your self-esteem dropping. Keep working at it, and I know you’ll get there! ????
Hello, I recently started being a sub. And I have to tell you that….I thought that I was the only one who loved this way of life. Thanks for this article it is really helpful!!
That’s awesome, Melanie! Welcome to the community. ????
Im in a s/D relationship where my Dom is new and I have been in the lifestyle for about 20 years. We’ve been exploring lots of sexual experiences but I crave so much more. I have stated several times that s/D is not only sexual and I am getting frustrated that he does not give me tasks that please him other than simple sexual pleasures or clothing he wants me to wear. I have to continually try and anticipate what
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