Bdsm Submission

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Bdsm Submission
by Aryelle Siclait and Korin Miller Published: Feb 24, 2021
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Aryelle Siclait is the editor at Women's Health where she writes and edits articles about relationships, sexual health, pop culture, and fashion for verticals across WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She's a Boston College graduate and lives in New York.
Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, sexual health and relationships, and lifestyle trends, with work appearing in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more. She has a master’s degree from American University, lives by the beach, and hopes to own a teacup pig and taco truck one day.
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Who, btw, says it's the safest kind of sex you can have.
Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it's important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.
At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD , a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.
“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it's nice to be let off the hook," Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.
“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner , PhD, author of She Comes First . “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”
If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades ) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna ). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.
Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast . “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”
Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad...extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.
But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond:
P.S. Your experience doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy."
Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.
4. Consider making it a group affair.
If you realize that you're willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.
If they're not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can't get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it's common for couples to agree that "when there's one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon." Again, not as scary as it sounds!
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married.
This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come ).
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.
Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn't anticipate, decide on a word you'll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn't normally say in the bedroom, such as "milkshake" or "turtleneck."
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it's mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it's clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators , paddles, anal beads , and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.
"This is all about pleasure," says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.
The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.
Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out Halloween-style , but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.
"You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point," says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential . You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.
Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know," says Richmond. She assures she's "very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon," but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.
It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”
She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”
"The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves," says Richmond. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.
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BDSM is a form of erotic role play that often involves domination and submission and specific acts of pain and punishment. Submissives are required to follow several BDSM rules for their dom-sub relationship to run smoothly. If you’re new to the world of BDSM , or just curious about trying it out, you might be wondering what those rules entail.
The rules for a submissive in BDSM are extensive and in many cases, set forth by the dom. However, both parties must agree to the terms. In general, subs must obey their doms’ every command, including how they dress, act, and behave. If they don’t follow orders, they may receive punishment. 
In this article, I’ll go over what a dom-sub relationship entails. Then, I’ll discuss rules for subs to follow in everyday life and during playtime. Lastly, I’ll explain some safety rules both subs and doms need to abide by and a few rules doms should follow to help maintain positive relationships with their subs. 
In BDSM, a dom-sub relationship is when there is a dominant individual and a submissive individual. In the most basic of explanations, the dominant person (AKA dom) is a sadist , which means they enjoy inflicting pain on others. The submissive (AKA sub) is a masochist , which means they enjoy being compliant and receiving pain. 
While many people think that a dom-sub relationship only involves sex, it can actually influence many aspects of the involved parties’ lives. Dominants are supposed to guide their submissives’ everyday behaviors and keep them safe. On the other hand, submissives are required to obey and please their doms by following their every command. 
Before doms and subs establish their relationship, they typically agree on specific rules and discuss what they expect to get out of their roles. While some pairs create a written contract, others will informally discuss their expectations and limitations, verbally agreeing to specifics.
Once the rules are established, subs must obey them. Similarly, doms must honor their subs’ limits and not force them to do things they are uncomfortable with. 
Now that you know what a dom-sub relationship is, I’ll go into detail about submissive rules, including all of the things they need to know to maintain a healthy, happy, and pleasurable relationship with their doms. 
Below, we’ve listed some basic rules for a sub to follow. These are rules that they must abide by all the time, no matter what. 
When a sub enters into a relationship with a dom, they must remain loyal to that dom. This means they can’t contact other doms or have sexual relations with different partners.
Subs must be entirely monogamous, giving their doms complete control over them. The only time it’s acceptable for a submissive to be with another partner is if their dom requests it. 
Subs typically wear collars around their necks or other symbols to signify their loyalty to their doms. They must wear their ownership symbols at all times, even when they are out in public.
Some doms permit their subs to wear different symbols in public and private settings so that they are a little more discreet. 
Dominants typically have specific names that they want their subs to refer to them by. Doms are commonly referred to as “master” or “mistress,” but the exact title they prefer varies depending on the relationship.
Subs should always refer to their doms by their preferred names, even in public, unless their doms request otherwise. 
In typical dom-sub relationships, doms must give the “ok” on their subs’ daily activities, or else the sub may be punished with BDSM devices . This includes asking for permission before eating, drinking, or even going to the bathroom. 
Some subs must also ask for approval before making purchases, selecting outfits, and so on. Some doms even require their subs to keep a daily log of their activities, so they know exactly what they were doing all day. 
When subs are apart from their doms, they must text them frequently and respond to their messages promptly. Some doms request that their subs send them dirty texts or pictures once every hour. Additionally, if the subs and doms have plans to do something, the subs should arrive on time. If they are late, there may be consequences. 
Submissives may have to kneel whenever their doms enter or leave a room. Some subs are also required to crawl whenever their doms are present. When it comes to eye contact, subs should always keep their eyes down and never meet their doms gaze unless requested otherwise. 
There are several essential rules submissives must follow to ensure that their doms remain in complete control during playtime. We’ll discuss these in detail below. 
Many doms and subs agree that the dom can ask for sex whenever they want, and the sub cannot refuse, letting the doms feel powerful since they can interrupt their subs at any time of the day to satisfy their needs. This also allows the subs to please their doms, which is the primary goal of any submissive. 
Some doms ask their subs to shave, wear specific clothes, gag themselves , or alter their appearance in other ways before playtime. Doms may also ask their subs to prepare their bodies for the sexual activities they have planned. 
For example, a dom may request that their sub prepare themselves for anal sex with an enema or douche or lube up before playtime begins. Subs should always follow their doms’ grooming commands to the letter. 
Once they are prepared, the subs should present themselves to their doms. Some doms request that the subs lay in a specific position for inspection before they are intimate. 
Subs should always ask their doms for permission before masturbating or orgasming as it is the dom’s decision as to whether their subs are allowed to achieve sexual release. 
Some doms may make their subs wait until they are begging before they will enable them to orgasm, while others will bring them to the edge of orgasm but deny them from orgasm . Subs must obey their doms’ demands at all costs, no matter how challenging they may be.
Remember, a sub’s primary mission is to please their master. So, if doms make requests during play, the subs must follow them no matter what. Sometimes, doms may command their subs to refer to them by specific names during play.
For example, a dom may request that their sub call themselves “slave” and their dom “master” during certain scenes. O
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