Bdsm Sub

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Bdsm Sub

Megan Harrison Updated: June 23, 2022

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BDSM is a form of erotic role play that often involves domination and submission and specific acts of pain and punishment. Submissives are required to follow several BDSM rules for their dom-sub relationship to run smoothly. If you’re new to the world of BDSM , or just curious about trying it out, you might be wondering what those rules entail.
The rules for a submissive in BDSM are extensive and in many cases, set forth by the dom. However, both parties must agree to the terms. In general, subs must obey their doms’ every command, including how they dress, act, and behave. If they don’t follow orders, they may receive punishment. 
In this article, I’ll go over what a dom-sub relationship entails. Then, I’ll discuss rules for subs to follow in everyday life and during playtime. Lastly, I’ll explain some safety rules both subs and doms need to abide by and a few rules doms should follow to help maintain positive relationships with their subs. 
In BDSM, a dom-sub relationship is when there is a dominant individual and a submissive individual. In the most basic of explanations, the dominant person (AKA dom) is a sadist , which means they enjoy inflicting pain on others. The submissive (AKA sub) is a masochist , which means they enjoy being compliant and receiving pain. 
While many people think that a dom-sub relationship only involves sex, it can actually influence many aspects of the involved parties’ lives. Dominants are supposed to guide their submissives’ everyday behaviors and keep them safe. On the other hand, submissives are required to obey and please their doms by following their every command. 
Before doms and subs establish their relationship, they typically agree on specific rules and discuss what they expect to get out of their roles. While some pairs create a written contract, others will informally discuss their expectations and limitations, verbally agreeing to specifics.
Once the rules are established, subs must obey them. Similarly, doms must honor their subs’ limits and not force them to do things they are uncomfortable with. 
Now that you know what a dom-sub relationship is, I’ll go into detail about submissive rules, including all of the things they need to know to maintain a healthy, happy, and pleasurable relationship with their doms. 
Below, we’ve listed some basic rules for a sub to follow. These are rules that they must abide by all the time, no matter what. 
When a sub enters into a relationship with a dom, they must remain loyal to that dom. This means they can’t contact other doms or have sexual relations with different partners.
Subs must be entirely monogamous, giving their doms complete control over them. The only time it’s acceptable for a submissive to be with another partner is if their dom requests it. 
Subs typically wear collars around their necks or other symbols to signify their loyalty to their doms. They must wear their ownership symbols at all times, even when they are out in public.
Some doms permit their subs to wear different symbols in public and private settings so that they are a little more discreet. 
Dominants typically have specific names that they want their subs to refer to them by. Doms are commonly referred to as “master” or “mistress,” but the exact title they prefer varies depending on the relationship.
Subs should always refer to their doms by their preferred names, even in public, unless their doms request otherwise. 
In typical dom-sub relationships, doms must give the “ok” on their subs’ daily activities, or else the sub may be punished with BDSM devices . This includes asking for permission before eating, drinking, or even going to the bathroom. 
Some subs must also ask for approval before making purchases, selecting outfits, and so on. Some doms even require their subs to keep a daily log of their activities, so they know exactly what they were doing all day. 
When subs are apart from their doms, they must text them frequently and respond to their messages promptly. Some doms request that their subs send them dirty texts or pictures once every hour. Additionally, if the subs and doms have plans to do something, the subs should arrive on time. If they are late, there may be consequences. 
Submissives may have to kneel whenever their doms enter or leave a room. Some subs are also required to crawl whenever their doms are present. When it comes to eye contact, subs should always keep their eyes down and never meet their doms gaze unless requested otherwise. 
There are several essential rules submissives must follow to ensure that their doms remain in complete control during playtime. We’ll discuss these in detail below. 
Many doms and subs agree that the dom can ask for sex whenever they want, and the sub cannot refuse, letting the doms feel powerful since they can interrupt their subs at any time of the day to satisfy their needs. This also allows the subs to please their doms, which is the primary goal of any submissive. 
Some doms ask their subs to shave, wear specific clothes, gag themselves , or alter their appearance in other ways before playtime. Doms may also ask their subs to prepare their bodies for the sexual activities they have planned. 
For example, a dom may request that their sub prepare themselves for anal sex with an enema or douche or lube up before playtime begins. Subs should always follow their doms’ grooming commands to the letter. 
Once they are prepared, the subs should present themselves to their doms. Some doms request that the subs lay in a specific position for inspection before they are intimate. 
Subs should always ask their doms for permission before masturbating or orgasming as it is the dom’s decision as to whether their subs are allowed to achieve sexual release. 
Some doms may make their subs wait until they are begging before they will enable them to orgasm, while others will bring them to the edge of orgasm but deny them from orgasm . Subs must obey their doms’ demands at all costs, no matter how challenging they may be.
Remember, a sub’s primary mission is to please their master. So, if doms make requests during play, the subs must follow them no matter what. Sometimes, doms may command their subs to refer to them by specific names during play.
For example, a dom may request that their sub call themselves “slave” and their dom “master” during certain scenes. Or, the dom may tell the sub they aren’t allowed to speak or make any noises while they are having sex. While the requests may be challenging, subs should do their best to please their masters and follow their every command. 
To maintain a healthy dom-sub relationship, doms and subs need to establish some safety rules that they must abide by. Additionally, dominants should follow a few rules of their own to keep their submissives happy and under their control. 
While subs are supposed to obey their doms, they also need to feel safe. Therefore, doms and subs should follow these safety rules to ensure that everything they do is consensual. 
If the submissives feel happy and safe, it’ll strengthen their relationships with their dominants since they won’t feel like they’re being pressured into doing anything they aren’t comfortable with. 
No matter what type of sub you are , all subs should have safe words that let their doms know how they feel and whether or not they should stop what they’re doing. 
Many doms and subs use traffic light colors as safe words in BDSM. Green typically means “keep going,” yellow means “slow down” or “ease up,” and red means “stop immediately.” However, subs and doms can choose other words that are most fitting for them. 
Doms should always obey their subs’ safe words. If a dom doesn’t abide by these words, that is a reasonable ground for the sub to end the relationship since it is a massive violation of their trust. 
Before entering into a dom-sub relationship and establishing rules, subs should tell their doms if they have physical or emotional limitations. For example, if a sub has a knee injury, then kneeling may not be an option. Or, if a sub has had a traumatic experience with certain sexual activities in the past, they can discuss these with their dom, so they know which acts are off-limits. 
Since subs live to please, they sometimes may not want to use their safe words to stop play, even if it’s what’s best for them. Therefore, doms need to pay attention to their subs’ bodies to make sure they aren’t causing them too much physical pain when using BDSM tools such as spanking paddles .
While a few cuts and scrapes are expected in BDSM, extensive wounds or other serious injuries should be avoided at all costs. Doms need to know when it’s time to let up, even if their subs haven’t told them to stop. 
The dom and sub both need to understand that consent can be revoked at any time. This means subs can tell their doms they aren’t comfortable performing certain sexual acts, even if it’s something they’ve done before. Additionally, both can back out of the relationship whenever it is no longer making them happy or if they feel unsafe. Consent is always required, especially in BDSM.
Besides safety rules, doms have a few fundamental rules they should follow to ensure that their subs remain happy and satisfied with the relationship. 
While it may sound exciting for a dom to command their partner to do hundreds of things immediately, it isn’t realistic, and it can harm the relationship. Instead, doms should make a few requests at a time. Once the sub can meet these demands comfortably, the dom can slowly make more requests. 
Doms need to be patient with their subs and demonstrate that they care. While it is their role to be the commander, they also need to be protectors and make sure that their subs feel safe and cared for.
If a sub isn’t ready to try something, the dom needs to be patient, caring, and communicative. Open communication will ensure that the relationship will last longer. 
To keep subs happy, their doms should reward them for good behavior. Some doms choose to have a points system for their subs where they receive a reward after obtaining a certain number of points. 
The exact reward varies depending on the sub’s preferences. Some subs may enjoy being rewarded with praise, going on a date, relaxing their requirements, offering an erotic massage , permitting them to achieve sexual release, or something else. 
While subs should be rewarded relatively often, it shouldn’t be too frequently, or else the reward may lose its meaning. Doms should only reward their subs when they’ve been outstanding, or they’ve met their point requirements to make the prize more special.
Punishment is a big part of the dom-sub relationship that subs come to expect if they are bad. If doms are negligent and forget to punish their subs, it can ruin the relationship dynamic since the subs will feel as though they can get away with anything. 
Therefore, doms need to be consistent and pay attention to their subs’ behavior. When their subs break a rule, doms should punish them with chores, preventing orgasm , time-outs, wearing uncomfortable clothing, or any other agreed-upon punishment. 
Subs must be obedient to their doms and follow their rules no matter what, like dressing up and behaving according to their doms’ wishes.
During playtime, subs must follow all of their doms’ rules, including asking permission to masturbate and climax, groom themselves based on their dom’s requests, and more. 
While subs’ primary mission in life is to please their doms, they must feel safe doing it. Therefore, having safe words, understanding consent, and knowing when to back off are important features to maintaining a healthy dom-sub relationship. 
Hi, I'm Megan and welcome to Couples Candy. Here you'll find lots of practical information dedicated to enhancing your relationships and boosting your wellbeing.
As a marriage and family therapist, I love helping people reconnect with their partners in order to experience greater satisfaction from their relationships.
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By Gigi Engle Published: Dec 24, 2020
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Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women's Health.
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When you hear the word “punishment,” sex probably isn't the first thing that comes to mind. But in BDSM —an umbrella term that encompasses bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism—punishment can be a major component of sex. And a pleasurable one, at that.
“Punishment is a behavior modification tool used in some [dominant/submissive] dynamics to train or discipline a submissive when they’ve defied a boundary or disobeyed an order,” explains Charyn Pfeuffer, a sex and relationships writer and author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating . “There’s no one-size-fits-all playbook for punishment, and not every kinky relationship uses it.”
Every couple is free to determine the type and severity of punishments they want to use—and the options are essentially endless. For example, if the submissive partner is a "brat" (a sub who enjoys disobeying their dom’s rules), a dom might give you a spanking as a punishment for being naughty.
“Punishment can include spankings, slapping, choking, use of restraints, or (consensually) forcing your partner into sexual acts," says Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness , a private members Open Love club for the adventurous. "It's really up to you and your partner to set the limits of what's okay for punishment and what's not.”
Like with most deliciously kinky things, punishment is not just about pain, but also pleasure. It’s a dance between the dom and sub that allows them to explore sides of themselves they may not get a chance to express in real life.
“Sexual punishment is when you know there is a part of you that is under-expressed, maybe from shame or fear,” says Kenneth Play , international sex educator and and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series . “So, if you feel like you’re being a dirty slut, being punished by your partner allows you to live out that feeling, while also enjoying your 'dirty slut' side.”
IMPORTANT: Before you engage in any BDSM punishments, you and your partner must thoroughly discuss your boundaries and limits beforehand. Despite the connotation of punishing someone, the activity still requires enthusiastic consent from all parties; the punished wants to be punished, and the punisher wants to punish.
This is where you bring someone to the brink of orgasm, only to stop touching them right before orgasm. Oh, the sweet agony.
Put them over your knee and show them what happens to naughty people who break the rules. Just remember to aim for the fleshy parts of the body, such as the butt cheeks and upper thighs.
Or, you could deny them a spanking. “Sometimes a submissive will ‘act out’ to get the punishment that they really enjoy," says Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop. "One way to punish them is to NOT give them what they enjoy."
Force your sub to agree to keep their pretty little mouth shut. You can go a step further by not allowing your submissive to speak while in a public place without asking permission first.
This would be cruel outside of a consenting dom/sub dynamic, but hot as hell if both parties are into it. “[This entails] getting your submissive dressed up for an event that they really enjoy, but upon arrival making them sit outside on the ground with their hands in their lap and not allow them to come into the event for a specific amount of time,” Sparks says.
Make your submissive walk on all fours with a collar and a leash like a dog. You can incorporate a dog mask designed for kink, like this one , and even take the act outside for the public humiliation factor.
This is a form of public degradation: You make your submissive wear a shirt that literally says "slut" on it.
“Chain your partner to the bed and leave them there to wait for your return,” Saynt says. “Leave your home and decide how long you want to make them wait for you. Come back to them begging you to set them free.” Oh, the fun that can ensue afterward!
This is when you "make" your partner "take" the pleasure, even if it feels like over-stimulation. “Force your partner to have orgasms until they are completely overwhelmed—then keep going,” Play says.
This is when the dom has sex with someone else and forces the sub to watch. Cuckolding is a more advanced activity, and we suggest doing your research before bringing a new person into the bedroom. For a slightly tamer version, the dominant partner can make the submissive watch them get off with a toy.
“Refuse to let your partner pleasure you and make them beg for a taste," Saynt suggests. "Come within a few inches of their mouth, watch their tongue slip out and get just close enough but not quite there. Make your body their prize and make the longing for it the punishment.”
“Grab ice cubes and use them to run along your partner's body while they are restrained,” Saynt says. “Use the ice to stimulate their body and offer a chilling experience.” This can go really well with a blindfold—that way the sub’s other senses, including touch, are heightened.
“What chore(s) does your sub hate doing? Make them do it—meticulously,” Pfeuffer suggests. What better excuse to not have to do the dishes tonight?
If your sub is naughty, take away their table privileges and force them to eat off the floor like a dog.
Tell your sub to get on all fours and act as a stool for you to rest your feet. Dive into a good book and force them to stay still until you’re good and ready to let them get up.
Is your sub being a little brat? “Put your submissive in the corner for a time-out,” Pfeuffer says. “Being ‘grounded’ for a little while can be incredibly effective” in getting them to follow your rules next time.
Dribble hot wax on a naughty sub’s body. Be sure you’re using a body-safe candle (like these from LoveHoney ), unless you really know what you’re doing. You don’t want to cause burns.
“Only allow your sub to pleasure themselves with your permission," Pfeuffer says. "If rules are broken, that permission is revok
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