Bdsm Safe Words
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Bdsm Safe Words
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A safeword is a code word/action or series of code words/actions that are sometimes used in BDSM activities to mean that a bottom or submissive is reaching a limit or to signal that they are in distress and the Top/Dom must stop the scene . Safewords are agreed on by all participants before playing a scene as a part of negotiations . Many organised BDSM groups have standard safewords that all members agree to use to avoid confusion at organised BDSM events .
A safeword is generally used rather than the words "no, stop" so that the bottom can scream "no, stop", etc. as much as s/he wants without really meaning it, and yet still have a way of indicating a serious desire that the scene stops. Further, using a safeword can help from avoiding to disrupt the concentration of the bottom to focus on their feelings of subspace as the top does not need to interrupt their concentration by continuously verbally checking in on their state of being.
Universal safewords are used so that others can easily understand the current ability to process pain by the bottom without having to learn constantly new safewords for every individual, and are very handy for events so that DMs at events can easily spot when someone is calling a safeword.
Universal safewords that are very common are:
Safeword is a very uncommon word to say in the middle of a scene that is going well, but it is limited in scope as it works only as a direct full stop of activities.
Mercy is a common safeword used in M/s dynamics or in other scenes involving negotiated CNC as the safeword is not a command given to the top from the bottom, but instead is a request or plea for mercy, ensuring the that the Master or Mistress is left to decide if they should continue or not, thereby ensuring that they have total control of the slave even when the slave signals that it is in distress.
Sometimes subspace can become a deep, trance like state in which the bottom becomes unable to use speech. In these circumstances it is important to have worked out safe signals if play is to approach this level or to cease play in the event this state occurs if safe signals were not previously defined. Even if a bottom fails to call a safeword the top is still responsible for their well being and thus it is important they keep a constant monitor on the reaction time and reactivity of the bottom. See subspace .
Safe signals are designed to overcome times when speech may not be an option for the bottom. This could be due to loss consciousness, use of a gag, loss of speech or some other reason.
The double tap is a quick rapid succession of two or more taps from the hands of the bottom to indicate activity must stop immediately. The double tap is often used during grappling and choking as it requires the bottom be able to tap the top on their flesh to ensure they are able to notice the signal. Using the double tap on a St. Andrews cross or in bondage is not a good idea as the signal might be easily missed, especially if there is loud music and dim lighting.
Pony signals are called such because of the leg lift used that resembles a horse stomp or count and is often in use during pony play . Pony signals are ideal for use of a St. Andrews Cross or partial suspension that leave the feet firmly on the floor (such as with use of suspension cuffs from a hard point).
Pony Signals follow the Stoplight formula of Red, Yellow and Green , except that they do not require use of words, making them ideal for forms of play that take one into deeper levels of subspace or in play spaces with loud music. Further, the leg lifts associated with pony signals tend to correspond to natural body reactions to painful impact sensations delivered to the back and buttocks, making the signals themselves very easy to communicate even if speech is lost and the bottom is deep into subspace .
The two squeezes test is a great way to check if a bottom is still with you or they are in a very deep, trance like state or completely unconscious and it is time to discontinue play. The top simply places their finger into the hand of the bottom and gently squeezes their hand with the finger, twice. If one or no squeezes occur as a response instead of two or more squeezes then the bottom does not have the composure to follow through with a very simple instruction that requires minimal motor skill and thus they are considered to have failed the two squeeze test. A failure of the two squeeze test is a clear indicator to cease play and move into aftercare. Be sure to explain the two squeeze test to the bottom before play begins.
The brush drop like the two squeeze test is a test of motor functions of the bottom. This signal is great for any very heavy forms of play, especially heavy impact and electricity where loss of speech is likely.
To perform the brush drop signal, a large brush, such as a boot brush or other solid object that will make a decent amount of noise if it drops to the floor that will be easily noticed if it is not in hand is on the floor, is placed in the hand of the bottom. The object is thrown for a sharp call of red. The object is dropped for yellow, and if the object is dropped due to loss of motor skills the two squeeze test can be applied to determine if play needs to cease.
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Trust: You can get more creative than "red."
If I had to guess, I'd assume your idea of what a safe word is comes from that one Fifty Shades of Grey scene. But FWIW, outside of the weird contractual obligation Ana and Christian Grey had, regular normal relationships require safe words too— especially if you're getting kinky with your partner.
Randomly just deciding to use a safe word out of the blue isn't easy—especially when you know literally nothing about when to effectively use one. But we talked to experts to create a guide for literally everything and anything you could possibly want to know about safe words, including a list of some that you and your S.O. can decide on.
"A safe word is a designated word you say when sexual play with a partner becomes too intense, painful, or starts to creep past your boundaries," explains Emily Morse, PhD, host of the SiriusXM radio show and podcast of Sex With Emily . "Once the safe word is said, all sex has to stop—and does not resume until you've checked in with each other about why the safe word was said."
If something has even the potential to push you out of your sexual comfort zone a bit, you *need* to come up with a safe word. "It's necessary whenever you're engaging in play where your boundaries might be crossed if it goes too far," explains Morse. "Usually, this is during BDSM-type play, role-play scenarios, or group sex, but can be used in any sexual situation you find yourself in."
"If you're engaging in role play, the word 'stop' might not always mean 'stop.' For instance, your character might say 'stop' or 'oh, that hurts' when you really want to keep going," explains Gigi Engle , LifeStyles brand ambassador, certified sex coach, and author of All the F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life . “Having a safe word is a no-frills way to indicate you want to take a break from the scene without any confusion.”
Obvi, the first step is to have a convo with your partner. "Talk with your partner, and keep the safe word simple—something you'll both be able to remember," advises Morse. "It can even be something that's personal to your relationship and has meaning and elicits intimate memories."
What are some common ones people usually pick? Morse says people use traffic light colors (green = keep going, yellow = slow down, red = stop) and, interestingly, fruits are also super popular (cue to me never looking at a cantaloupe the same again).
If you're not down for any of the basic words, Engle says pretty much anything works as long as it's totally non-sexual and would never normally be used during sex (i.e. it should completely halt the action because it's so random). If you and your partner are struggling with coming up with a creative one, don't worry, we've come up with a few options:
The minute you're starting to feel uncomfy is the exact moment when you should go ahead and holler whatever safe word you and your partner chose to go with. "Use your safe word at any moment you start to feel anxious, you're in pain, you become triggered by something, or just feel too uncomfortable to continue having sex," says Morse. And don't be afraid of what your partner will think. Engle reassures, "you are entitled to use it, without judgment or anger, any time during any sexual scene."
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The world of BDSM contains not only its own sex acts (Is smelling a foot sex? Sure, if it gets you off!), but its own highly-robust vocabulary, too. Since all that terminology can be intimidating for newcomers, let’s start with the basics: “BDSM” stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism—the core pillars of kinky fun. Beyond that, there’s a whole language to describe the consensual power exchange practices that take place under the BDSM umbrella . Whatever you're into, just make sure to snuggle and practice lots of aftercare when it's all said and done, especially if anyone involved is a painslut and needs ice after some impact play.
At press time, “kink” is not a language you can learn on Duolingo, so here’s a handy glossary of some of the most common BDSM terms, from A to Z.
A is for Aftercare Aftercare is the practice of checking in with one another after a scene (or “play session,” a.k.a., the time in which the BDSM happens) to make sure all parties feel nice and chill about what just went down. The dominant partner may bring the submissive ice for any bruises, but it’s important to know that aftercare involves emotional care as well as physical. BDSM releases endorphins, which can lead to both dominants and submissives experiencing a “drop.” Aftercare can help prevent that. There’s often cuddling and always conversation; kinksters need love too.
B is for Bondage Bondage is the act of tying one another up. In most cases the dominant partner is restraining the submissive using ropes, handcuffs, Velcro, specialty hooks, clasps, or simply a belt if you’re on a budget.
C is for Cuckold We can’t let the alt-right ruin the term “cuck” for us. Traditionally, a cuck is a man who enjoys, often for submissive and erotic humiliation reasons, watching another man have sex with his wife. In a cuckolding scene, the other man invited to have sex with the wife is a “bull.” Female cucks are referred to as “cuck queens,” but people of all genders can be cucks.
D is for D/S D/S refers to dominance and submission, the crux of a BDSM relationship. While kinky people can be on a spectrum (see: “ Switch ”), typically you’re either dominant or submissive. If you take away one fact from this guide, it should be that even though the dominant partner in D/S relationship may be slapping, name-calling, and spitting on the submissive, BDSM and D/S relationships are all about erotic power exchange, not one person having power over another. The submissive gets to set their boundaries, and everything is pre-negotiated. The submissive likes getting slapped (see also: “Painslut”).
E is for Edgeplay Edgeplay refers to the risky shit—the more taboo (or baddest bitch, depending on who you’re talking to) end of the spectrum of BDSM activities. Everyone’s definition of edgeplay is a little different, but blood or knife play is a good example. If there’s actually a chance of real physical harm, it’s likely edgeplay. Only get bloody with a partner who knows what they’re doing without a doubt and has been tested for STIs. You don’t have to get maimed to enjoy BDSM.
F is for Foot Fetish One of the most common fetishes out there, a foot fetish is an attraction—often a need—for feet. Foot fetishists may enjoy worshiping a foot, kissing it, smelling it, massaging it, getting a footjob, licking it, sucking on toes, or ( actually ) getting stepped on.
G is for Golden Showers A golden shower is when you lovingly shower your partner with your piss. It’s high time for the BDSM community to reclaim this word from Donald Trump , who, may I remind you, allegedly paid sex workers to pee on a bed that Obama slept in out of spite. This is not the same thing as a golden shower. Kink is for smart people.
H is for Hard Limits Hard limits are sexual acts that are off-limits. Everyone has their own, and you have to discuss these boundaries before any BDSM play. Use it in a sentence: “Please do not pee on me; golden showers are one of my hard limits.”
I is for Impact Play Impact play refers to any impact on the body, such as spanking , caning, flogging, slapping, etc.
J is for Japanese Bondage The most well-known type of Japanese bondage is Shibari, in which one partner ties up the other in beautiful and intricate patterns using rope. It’s a method of restraint, but also an art form.
K is for Knife Play Knife play is, well, knife sex. It’s considered a form of edgeplay (our parents told us not to play with knives for a reason.) If you do play with knives, do it with someone who truly respects you and whom you trust. Often knife play doesn’t actually involve drawing blood, but is done more for the psychological thrill, such as gliding a knife along a partner’s body to induce an adrenaline rush. Call me a prude, but I wouldn’t advise it on a first Tinder date.
L is for Leather The BDSM community enjoys leather as much as you’d expect. Leather shorts, leather paddles, and leather corsets are popular, although increasingly kinky retailers provide vegan options for their animal-loving geeks.
M is for Masochist A masochist is someone who gets off on receiving sexual pain.
N is for Needle Play Also a form of edgeplay (blood!), needle play means using needles on a partner. Hopefully those needles are sterile and surgical grade. Don’t do this with an idiot, please. Most professional dommes have clients who request or are into needle play. It can involve sticking a needle (temporarily) through an erogenous zone such as the nipple or... BACK AWAY NOW IF YOU'RE QUEASY... the shaft of the penis.
O is for Orgasm Denial You know how sexual anticipation is hot AF? Orgasm denial is next-level sexual anticipation for those who love a throbbing clit or a boner that’s been hard forever just dying to get off—which is to say, almost everyone. The dominant partner will typically bring the submissive close or to the brink of orgasm, then stop. Repeat as necessary.
P is for Painslut A painslut is a dope-ass submissive who knows what they want, and that’s pain, dammit.
Q is for Queening Queening is when a woman, a.k.a. the queen you must worship, sits on your face. It’s just a glam name for face-sitting, often used in D/S play. Sometimes the queen will sit on her submissive’s face for like, hours.
R is for RACK RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, which are the BDSM community guidelines on how to make sure everyone is aware of the dangers they consent to. Another set of guidelines are the “SSC,” which stresses keeping activities “safe, sane, and consensual.” We kinksters want everyone to feel happy and fulfilled, and only experience pain that they desire—without actual harm.
S is for Switch A switch is someone who enjoys both the dominant and submissive role. Get thee a girl who can do both.
T is for Topping From The Bottom Topping from the bottom refers to when a bottom (sub) gets bratty and tries to control the scene even though negotiations state they should submit. For example, a submissive male may start yelping at his domme that she’s not making him smell her feet exactly like he wants. It can be pretty annoying. It can also be part of the scene itself, such as if the submissive is roleplaying as a little girl with her daddy (this is called “age play”).
U is for Urination Urinating means peeing (duh) and aside from pissing on a submissive’s face or in their mouth you can do other cool and consensual things with urine, like fill up an enema and inject it up someone’s butt! I am not a medical doctor.
V is for Voyeurism A voyeur is someone who enjoys watching others have sex, undress, or whatever floats your erection boat. Voyeurs can get a bad name, because we think of peeping Toms, but there are lots of wonderful ways for a voyeur to consensually engage with their kink, such as going to a play (sex) party or kink event. Voyeurs watch the exhibitionists and everyone wins.
W is for Wartenberg Wheel A Wartenberg Wheel is a nifty little metal pinwheel that you can run over your partner’s nipples or other erogenous zones. It looks scary, but in a fun way, like the Addams Family. It can be used as part of medical play (doctor fetish) or just for the hell of i
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