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Home Features BDSM stereotypes perpetuated by media 
Jack Sullivan was 15 years old when she discovered her interest in BDSM. Like many people, she explored that interest through online forums and chat-rooms. It was not difficult for the fourth-year St. Thomas student to find like-minded people who accepted her and shared her curiosity.
Not until one of her friends stopped speaking to her, after she admitted her interest, did she know the full extent of the stigma surrounding BDSM.
“She thought it was strange and wrong,” Sullivan said. “If I thought it was wrong I would have to think that my preference of sexuality is wrong.”
BDSM – bondage, discipline or dominance, submission or sadism, masochism – has been slowly spreading into mainstream media in the last decade. Movies, novels and songs have been including BDSM themes. But often the practice is ridiculed or misunderstood. And the recent firing of Jian Ghomeshi for alleged non-consensual physical assaults on women has put BDSM in the spotlight.
“BDSM paraphernalia seems to be coming more popular now,” said Alicia Smith, the manager of Pleasures and Treasures, a franchised sex shop in Fredericton.
However, she points out that many of the new customers don’t understand the full extent of the lifestyle. She uses the popular book 50 Shades of Grey as an example of how the mainstream side of BDSM doesn’t accurately portray the whole.
“It sparked an interest, a curiosity, in people,” Smith said. “They think it’s light and playful, but when they actually start asking questions… they are scared a little bit.”
Miranda Fudge, a PhD candidate in clinical psychology and a sex researcher at UNB, said BDSM is a role-play activity that is always consensual.
“And there’s two things about the consent that matter: one is that it is explicit so it is verbally stated and agreed upon. And two is that it is in advance of the activity,” Fudge said.
Fudge said 50 Shades of Grey raised people’s curiosity, which is a good thing, but the novel doesn’t represent BDSM as a whole. She said there is more direct consent in BDSM than other sexual acts, because it is so important.
“One thing I hear a lot is ‘That’s sick,’ but it’s not sick. It’s a variation of other healthy sexual behaviours,” she said. “It is not distressing to the people who are practicing it.”
In a Facebook post, Ghomeshi, who had been the host of the CBC Radio show Q, claimed he was fired for his BDSM sexual preference. Fudge draws a clear distinction between sexual assault and BDSM.
“Sexual assault is violence that happens without consent,” she said. “BDSM is very consent-based and rule-bound.”
Regardless of how much people are exposed to BDSM, Sullivan believes the stigma remains. According to Fudge, part of the reason may be that we are too dependent on media for information.
“People go to the media for education, which is problematic in some ways,” said Fudge. “There is good information out there… but it’s probably not trending.”
Smith also prompts customers and potential customers to seek better and more accurate information.
“People should educate themselves more about it before they try it.”
Sullivan eventually reconnected with her friend her who turned her away for her interest in BDSM. The STU student is adamant not to let the stigma limit her.
“We’ve since made up because she realized that not everybody fits into her set idea of what’s normal,” she said. “By letting it get to me, I would be letting outside influences dictate my sexual freedom. That’s not what I’m about.”
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With the trailer of the “50 Shades of Grey” movie being released, my Facebook newsfeed and what I have seen on Fetlife in multiple groups, that’s all anyone seems to be able to talk about. I have managed to not see the trailer because I have no interest, but some of the discussions that have come up, those have been a bit more interesting to read. There’s one in particular that really struck a chord with me more than any of them. The particular article that did this was written by a friend of mine, Kitty Stryker. If the name sounds familiar it’s because she’s done several videos for Kink Academy and does a lot of work on a personal project of hers called Consent Culture, advocating the importance of consent in both the lifestyle and in vanilla settings, as well as many other projects and workshops.
One of her latest articles is titled “50 Shades of Fucked Up: How BDSM in Film Fails Everyone”. I’m not gonna lie, when I first read this article, I got a bit butthurt. I found myself thinking “How in the heck can she bad mouth the movie Secretary? That’s blasphemy!”, but after I got over my initial knee jerk reaction, I re-read the article and found myself thinking “She’s got a point and a very good point”, and a point that doesn’t just stop at movies, this includes all forms of entertainment-porn, books, and TV shows. Yes, I know it seems like I’m getting up on my soapbox again, but sometimes things just need to be said.
With lifestyle events being portrayed in pop culture and for entertainment value, mainstream society is given a lot of misinformation and misgivings in the lifestyle. One thing those misgivings tend to cause is how people outside perceive the lifestyle and think that is how things are done. These people don’t bother to do any kind of actual reading or research outside of said movies or erotica novels(SirRender of Fetlife does an amazing job of adding a little truthful humor to the subject). This tends to be extremely dangerous because as we all know, there are a lot of risks with how we play and unfortunately, there are a lot of people who disguise themselves as dominants to prey on the inexperienced and uneducated.
Another misgiving that these movies and books tend to cause is how the female submissive is portrayed these weak fragile little flowers that need to be saved and this can only happen with a dominant male figure in their lives. Not only that, but these dominants have to be in powerful positions and have more money than one knows what to do with. The Fifty Shades series is a perfect example of these cliches and there’s just too many throughout the books to even begin to list them. Another example of this is in the movie Secretary, where the main character Lee is released from a mental institution at the beginning of the movie and struggles with self-harm throughout the movie until her boss tells her she’s no longer allowed to cut and introduces her to the lifestyle. There have also been countless other books that I have read where the female submissive needs to be saved by the male dominant because she’s unable to function on her own without his guidance and supervision. This particular misconception really bothers me the most because women who are in the lifestyle, they are not weak. They may appear that way to the outsider but it takes so much strength and courage to submit to their partner, , there is no way someone who truly is weak could handle the demands and responsibilities of a submissive or slave.
Even though all these fictional pieces of work can do damage to the lifestyle, there’s another side of the coin. People are reading these books and seeing these movies and creating a dialogue that otherwise might have never happened. Couples are experimenting and also seeking out resources to learn about how to do what it is we do safely. Women are talking more about their sexuality and what turns them on, which is a great thing considering how taboo women’s sexuality tends to be in today’s society. Not only th but people who once thought that BDSM is a terrible thing are realizing that the stereotypes they learned through society aren’t an accurate portrayal of the lifestyle, that what we practice is consensual with all parties involved.
Not only do fictional works get people talking about what BDSM really is, but these pieces of work can also very accurately portray what an s-type feels about their D-type partners. There have been many passages in Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty trilogy that I have found myself passionately moved when Rice describes how one of the slaves feel about their master or other dominants they are involved with. My favorite scene in Secretary is when Lee is walking home from work and we hear her inner voice describing how freed she now feels and I remember the first time I saw this scene, I felt like someone had gotten inside my head and put into words how I was feeling about the dominant I was involved with at the time and now how I feel about Daddy. Feeling moved by a quote from a book or movie, for me anyways, is a great way to be able to express those feelings that you don’t quite know how to put into words and bring inspiration and affirmation to what it is we do. I know there have been various points in my life where I find myself doubting and questioning, but feel so much more reassured after reading or hearing something that speaks to my submissive soul.
There’s always going to be a portrayal of BDSM in popular culture because of the level of taboo the lifestyle seems to radiate and it’s something that will never change. While some of the publicity that may come our way isn’t always going to be good(50 Shades), but a positive outlook can still be found as long as we’re willing to help those who are new and not pass judgment.
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