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It's the interplay of light domination, submission and high-sensory sex -- all elements of BDSM -- that "nice" couples can use to add zing to vanilla sex and rediscover their sexual bond
Jul 27, 2012, 04:03 PM EDT | Updated Sep 9, 2012
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Ever since reading a recent survey in the UK's Daily Mail , I've had that old Depeche Mode song in my head: " Let's play Master and Servant ." According to the survey, almost 80% of women and 90% of men are excited by the domination and submission theme of the 50 Shades trilogy. Why? Well, kinky sex has inherent appeal, but straight-laced statistics offer another explanation.
If the average couple has sex 2-3 times a week , by their tenth anniversary, they will have had sex over fifteen hundred times. That's not a bad thing, unless fourteen hundred of those have been in the same place, in the same positions and with the same twists, turns and tweaks. When a couple toys with the playful side of domination and submission, they are able to behave -- and have their partners behave -- in a way that is unfamiliar and unexpected. That's when sex is most exciting.
Unfortunately, there is little physical variety or mental arousal in the bedrooms of many long-term couples, and that's my definition of vanilla sex. It has less to do with sexual puritanism and more to do with a bland sexual experience. Despite its innocuous name, vanilla sex can make couples ask serious questions about their relationship. Have we lost our spark? Are we falling out of love? Is my partner bored with me? Such doubts can chip away at solid relationships. For many couples, mainstream BDSM can add flavor to vanilla sex. The novelty of physical sensations, combined with the mental eroticism of sexual power-plays, brings a tantalizingly taboo element to sex. It is that type of eroticism that I discuss in 50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People , a "how-to" book that helps women make the leap from fantasy erotica into real-life sexplay, thereby kick-starting the sexual connection of long-term couples.
Here are 8 BDSM-themed ideas to spice-up sex tonight:
As you can see from these bite-sized suggestions, it is the interplay of light domination, submission and high-sensory sex -- all elements of BDSM -- that "nice" couples can use to add zing to vanilla sex and rediscover their sexual bond. When practiced in a safe, sane, consensual and fun way, BDSM-themed sexplay doesn't just feel good, it does good.

Dainis Graveris November 23, 2021 October 2, 2020
For doms with subs who need a great deal of discipline, this BDSM punishment list has it all.
BDSM relationships always have certain rules in place. But when the submissive breaks one of the rules, there must be consequences.
Let me help you get your sub to behave, by supplying 72 BDSM punishment ideas for submissives who need to learn their lesson.
There’s a mix of punishments that are pleasurable for the dom, productive, and some meaningless tasks that are utterly pointless! But that’s what makes them such a punishment.
This is a more simple form of punishment. Restraint can be fun for the dom while being highly inconvenient for the sub.
I’m sure you’re no stranger to bondage, so break out the handcuffs or ropes and tie up your sub during:
If you want a more annoying form of bondage discipline, get creative. Have the sub:
There are many options with this – use your imagination.
Your Sub is restrained from moving and if the objects fall or the glass leaks, it’s time for a harsher punishment.
Put them in a collar and attach a lead and make them follow you everywhere. Tie their lead to something when you need to go out or do something private.
If you want this to fit in the humiliation category , make them crawl like an animal instead of walk.
Games, reading, masturbation, or even watching TV. Deny your sub the right to engage in their favorite hobby for however many hours, days, or weeks you choose.
Take away their phone, computer, or anything of similar value.
Or, take away their charger. Watch them start to use their phone or laptop less and less as the battery dies.
Does your sub wear a collar they love? Take it away. Or take away their lucky bracelet or ring or something similar.
However, be careful when taking away rings or collars. It’s not fair to take away a wedding band. And in some couples, a collar is likea wedding band so treat that with the same restraint.
Send your sub to bed early, possibly without food first.
No clothes are allowed at home for as long as you decide. If you need to go into the public, limited clothing is allowed – but perhaps with one of these rules:
Disallow speaking. If you’re feeling generous, create a signal so your sub can ask for permission to speak.
Completely ignore your sub . Tell them they’re not allowed to come and visit if you don’t live together. Add extra punishments for every text and call they make to you.
Make them last a little fast for a day. This won’t hurt them or make them ill but will be uncomfortable and annoying.
Denying sleep can be dangerous, so do this in moderation.
So you don’t have to stay awake too, set up a camera. If the sub plugs out the camera, they’re punished. If the camera catches them sleeping, they’re punished too.
Try a cock cage or chastity belt . Make sure you learn about chastity 101 and know how to wear the cock-cage safely .
Oh, and you can top it off by getting him to wear Crotch Rocket Strapon – he will be still with the cock cage, but can still please you 😉
Edging is one of many excellent femdom punishments. Bring him to the brink of orgasm, then walk away and put him in handcuffs so he can’t touch himself. Come back and keep repeating the process.
But edging for women exists too, it’s just not quite as well-known. The easiest way to do it is through stimulating the clitoris but using a toy to hit her G-spot works too.
Try not to do both at the same time though, it may be harder to stop in time for her to be left on the edge.
Women are no stranger to multiple orgasms, so this doesn’t work for them very well. But men need time between sessions to reload and regain energy. And eventually, orgasms become painful – and possibly dry .
Keeping up sexual encounters until your man is dry is the perfect treat for you, and punishment for him.
Let me preface this by saying that you should never expose the public to any kink, fetish, or even Vanilla sexual play . Only do these punishments if you’re certain you can be discreet.
There are lots of Bluetooth and internet controlled long-distance sex toys available today. Some are small and discrete and can be worn in public.
Put one on your sub and make them wear it on a date. Control the intensity with your phone.
If your sub makes even a tiny noise, the punishment gets worse at home – one idea is to leave them without orgasm after hours of toy-play.
Or put a toy on your sub, stay home, and make them do errands. Reward them by finally bringing them to the climax when they come home.
Send your sub on an errand wearing just a long coat, or long coat and pants.
This punishment doubles as a productive activity, so it’s extra impactful if it’s an errand for you , not one of their own.
Ben-Wa balls aren’t as much fun for doms as are controllable sex toys, so they’re not great for the date-night scenario. But making your spouse wear them during an errand can be uncomfortable and embarrassing.
Ben-Wa balls are vaginal exercise weights , usually used for Kegels. For the untrained user, they can be hard to hold in.
For male subs, use a weighted butt plug with too much lube instead.
Make your sub wear something silly in public. Have them wear a costume from a movie, paint their face like a cat or wear ridiculous, knee-high rainbow socks. Whatever you want!
Don’t go overboard with this – you don’t want to humiliate them. You want to make them look slightly unusual.
You can put them in humiliating clothes… but that’s a thought for a different category.
Fill a bath with cold water and ice and make your sub spend a few minutes in it. For a more tame BDSM punishment, a cold shower works too.
If your sub doesn’t enjoy spanking or whipping, then it’s an appropriate punishment – so long as you agreed on that flogger being used sometimes.
Pick how many hits and get beating. You could pair this with other punishments like being bound, or not allowed to speak.
Pinch your sub, or use clothespins/pegs. Perhaps on the nipples, or skin of the scrotum. Putting them on the nose, lips, ears, or loose body skin works too.
Get a glass or stainless steel dildo or butt plug. Soak it in icy water, then use it on the sub. Avoid putting ice inside your sub, as this can cause burns.
Wax your partner’s body hair. The genitals and anus will be especially painful.
Use a variety of waxes and see which hurts more. Pre-made wax strips can often be much more intense than melting and applying the wax yourself, but it depends on the brand.
Be careful not to make the sub bleed, though (unless you’re into that), and use extra caution around sensitive parts.
If you don’t feel you can wax the sub without damaging them, schedule an appointment with a professional.
Gag your sub using a bar of soap, taped/tied into the mouth.
Before you take the soap out, add some water to make it foam and taste worse. Make sure the sub doesn’t accidentally swallow – keep a glass of water for rinsing the soap out nearby.
Find the largest, most uncomfortable ball gag you can. Force it on your sub for a few hours.
Make sure to give them 5-10 minute breaks to relax/flex their jaw every hour, to prevent lockjaw or spasms.
Keep your partner quiet, but open-mouthed with an open mouth gag . Use their open mouth to feed them unpleasant food, or semen, or just use it as a hole you can fuck.
Make your partner drink tons of diuretics (coffee, tea, soda), and don’t let them use the bathroom for an hour or two.
Adjust this time to make it fairer on your partner if you need to – or less fair, if you want the punishment to be severe.
Add weights to any genital or nipple piercings your sub has. Be careful they’re not too heavy, or they’ll rip the piercing out.
Have your sub step or walk over a painful surface. Here are some painful things to walk on:
Kneeling on uncooked rice is painful and annoying. Bonus punishment: cleaning up the rice.
Humiliation punishments often crossover with public punishments. But you can do these BDSM punishments out in the open, or with other BDSM couples visiting.
Again, be sure you cover any suspicious behavior with an excuse so you avoid involving the public in your kink.
Force your sub to masturbate in public, but somewhere nobody can tell. A movie theatre works.
Or, have willing-to-watch guests come and watch at home.
Give your sub temporary tattoos. This could be an embarrassing face tattoo of a naked person, or insults scrawled in sharpie.
“Cum Slut,” “Ass Eater” and “Cock Chomper” are some humiliating phrases you could put on their forehead.
If your sub is not into being nude in public, take them to a nudist beach or gym. Force them to go without clothes.
Be careful to blend in – don’t reveal this is a punishment, pretend the sub is just a naturalist, and only do this around other naturalists.
Make it look like your sub wet their pants by splashing their genital area, or pouring a glass of water down their pants. Make sure they’re wearing clothes you can easily see wet spots on.
To make it worse, walk around in public berating them for what they’ve done.
Record your sub having an orgasm. Use this as their ringtone and call their phone in front of other doms/subs, at a fetish club or at a sex party.
Use the sub as a footrest or chair in public – if anyone asks questions, tell your sub to laugh and say they lost a bet.
Or do this only in fetish clubs instead.
Act like the sub is a badly behaved child, and publicly scold them for their rule-breaking.
Make the sub eat from a pet dish. Bring one to a restaurant, and transfer their food to it. Avoid fancy/expensive restaurants so you don’t get kicked out – fast food places are best.
Or if your sub usually eats from pet dishes at home,make them use a plate. Tell people the sub usually eats from a pet dish. Invite them to watch the sub use real crockery.
Make your sub walk around in cum-soaked underwear all day. Or, climax in their butt, place a butt plug, and make them spend the day like that.
Make your male sub dress in your clothes all day. Go for a walk around your neighborhood, or venture out somewhere more public. And take lots of pictures.
Spank your female sub until she’ll be red for a while. Go to the beach with her in a revealing bikini.
Or spank him and take him out in a bikini…
Tie your sub up, legs spread and high, naked. Place them near a window.
Try to do it with an upstairs window, so it’s not blatantly obvious but it’s still visible. If it’s a downstairs window, place the sub in full view but on the other side of the room.
Make the sub clean the kitchen or bathroom with their tongue. Give them a toothbrush for scrubbing stains. Invite consenting guests over to watch, or film it.
Use your sub as a naked footrest while you watch TV or read.
Have your sub serve you dinner in the nude.
Have the sub write “I must not (broken rule)” 200 times, or until their hand aches too much to continue.
If your sub was excited for an outing or a sexual, kinky, or romantic date, cancel it until they learn to behave.
Cook your sub something unpleasant and make them eat all of it. Don’t go over-the-top, just make it something they dislike.
If you want to make it more unpleasant, make the sub do the cooking.
Put your sub in two pairs of full-back underwear, then fill the outer pair with ice cubes. Make sure the cubes slightly melted, not fresh out of the freezer, or they may burn the skin.
Wait for the ice to melt before letting the sub change.
Depriving someone of their eyesight and/or hearing can be a very uncomfortable experience. Try a blindfold and earplugs/headphones.
Lock your sub in a small room, like a closet, alone for a few hours. Just make sure they don’t have issues with confined spaces first.
Does your sub hate a particular song, genre, TV show, movie, or podcast? Play it. Loudly.
To make things worse, have your sub perform an unpleasant task while it’s on. Maybe chores, or maybe make them do something difficult/pointless.
Perhaps they should learn to fix cars, code websites, or stack cups.
Do you save spare change? Make your sub count it.
Have the sub move rice from one pile to another, then into a pot or bag. One grain at a time.
Do you want to color-code your sock drawer? Create a new organization system for the kitchen? Make your sub do it.
Make the sub stand somewhere as if bound. Don’t provide any entertainment. Don’t let them move for a few hours.
Find software like iTunes. Make the sub read the terms and conditions, making notes/summaries of it.
Make the sub cut the front lawn with scissors, to a specific height.
Rimming is becoming more popular these days, so it’s not as kinky as it used to be. But forcing your sub to rim you, or another dom is pleasureful and naughty.
Make your sub lick your feet clean. Step in something they don’t like first to make it worse – for example, ketchup if they hate it.
Is one of you into golden showers, and the other isn’t? Force the sub to have one if they don’t like it. If they prefer to receive and not give, force them to give you a golden shower.
If they’re the receiver and don’t like the golden shower, don’t let them clean up if you want to be harsher. Only you are allowed to clean them, whenever you have the time.
Force your sub to wear a hollow butt plug, then start pegging. If they’re not trained to wear one large enough yet, finger them with cold hands instead.
To add some humiliation, taunt them for not being able to stretch wide enough for you to use their ass for pleasure.
If you and your sub are in an open relationship, have sex with someone else in front of your sub. For extra humiliation, tell them they’re not as good as your current sexual partner.
This works very well if you have multiple subs, especially if all submissives are usually treated equally. It’ll hurt to be the least favorite.
Make the sub masturbate in panties. For women, put their panties inside the vagina. For men leave the panties on, then cum inside them.
Later, make them keep the panties in their mouth for 30 minutes.
Make the sub consume food with cum in it. Even better if it’s his own cum.
After a period of chastity, let a male sub orgasm over your feet, or on the dirty floor. Have him lick it up.
Make your sub do something they don’t like. For women, she may not like giving blowjobs. For a femdom punishment, try pegging if your sub doesn’t like it.
Never force your partner to violate their limits though. Don’t ignore safewords.
Sit on your sub’s face and force him to pleasure you until you tell him to stop. Or, have him sit on your face while you wear a chin dildo .
Nipples are extremely sensitive, and having something on them is very distracting. Have your sub wear nipple clamps , and if you’re aroused, force them to go topless and tease you.
Do you know another dom with a sub to punish? Or you have multiple submissives? Consider having both subs use a double-ended dildo together.
Invite other doms over to have fun with your sub.
After you take a shower or bath, have the sub lick you dry. Afterwards, make them give you oral and fully clean up any orgasmic fluid/cum with their tongue.
A BDSM punishment can be fun for both the dom and the sub, or just pointless and power-asserting.
Whichever way you choose to do things, make sure you discuss them in advance so you always remain Safe, Sane, and Consensual.
Get creative with your ideas, tailor them to suit your relationship, and there is no way to really go wrong.
Over last 4 years Dainis have helped millions of people through his advice on this site (200+ guides and 1M+ visits/monthly). His work & advice has appeared on sites like: Healthline, Vice, Cosmopolitan, Men's Health, WomensHealthMag, MindBodyGreen & more. Read More
Got Questions? Ping me on Twitter .
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