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By Gigi Engle Published: Dec 24, 2020
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Gigi Engle is a writer, certified sexologist, sex coach, and sex educator. Her work regularly appears in many publications including Brides, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women's Health.
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When you hear the word “punishment,” sex probably isn't the first thing that comes to mind. But in BDSM —an umbrella term that encompasses bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism—punishment can be a major component of sex. And a pleasurable one, at that.
“Punishment is a behavior modification tool used in some [dominant/submissive] dynamics to train or discipline a submissive when they’ve defied a boundary or disobeyed an order,” explains Charyn Pfeuffer, a sex and relationships writer and author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating . “There’s no one-size-fits-all playbook for punishment, and not every kinky relationship uses it.”
Every couple is free to determine the type and severity of punishments they want to use—and the options are essentially endless. For example, if the submissive partner is a "brat" (a sub who enjoys disobeying their dom’s rules), a dom might give you a spanking as a punishment for being naughty.
“Punishment can include spankings, slapping, choking, use of restraints, or (consensually) forcing your partner into sexual acts," says Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness , a private members Open Love club for the adventurous. "It's really up to you and your partner to set the limits of what's okay for punishment and what's not.”
Like with most deliciously kinky things, punishment is not just about pain, but also pleasure. It’s a dance between the dom and sub that allows them to explore sides of themselves they may not get a chance to express in real life.
“Sexual punishment is when you know there is a part of you that is under-expressed, maybe from shame or fear,” says Kenneth Play , international sex educator and and creator of the Sex Hacker Pro Series . “So, if you feel like you’re being a dirty slut, being punished by your partner allows you to live out that feeling, while also enjoying your 'dirty slut' side.”
IMPORTANT: Before you engage in any BDSM punishments, you and your partner must thoroughly discuss your boundaries and limits beforehand. Despite the connotation of punishing someone, the activity still requires enthusiastic consent from all parties; the punished wants to be punished, and the punisher wants to punish.
This is where you bring someone to the brink of orgasm, only to stop touching them right before orgasm. Oh, the sweet agony.
Put them over your knee and show them what happens to naughty people who break the rules. Just remember to aim for the fleshy parts of the body, such as the butt cheeks and upper thighs.
Or, you could deny them a spanking. “Sometimes a submissive will ‘act out’ to get the punishment that they really enjoy," says Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven , the largest BIPOC-owned online intimacy shop. "One way to punish them is to NOT give them what they enjoy."
Force your sub to agree to keep their pretty little mouth shut. You can go a step further by not allowing your submissive to speak while in a public place without asking permission first.
This would be cruel outside of a consenting dom/sub dynamic, but hot as hell if both parties are into it. “[This entails] getting your submissive dressed up for an event that they really enjoy, but upon arrival making them sit outside on the ground with their hands in their lap and not allow them to come into the event for a specific amount of time,” Sparks says.
Make your submissive walk on all fours with a collar and a leash like a dog. You can incorporate a dog mask designed for kink, like this one , and even take the act outside for the public humiliation factor.
This is a form of public degradation: You make your submissive wear a shirt that literally says "slut" on it.
“Chain your partner to the bed and leave them there to wait for your return,” Saynt says. “Leave your home and decide how long you want to make them wait for you. Come back to them begging you to set them free.” Oh, the fun that can ensue afterward!
This is when you "make" your partner "take" the pleasure, even if it feels like over-stimulation. “Force your partner to have orgasms until they are completely overwhelmed—then keep going,” Play says.
This is when the dom has sex with someone else and forces the sub to watch. Cuckolding is a more advanced activity, and we suggest doing your research before bringing a new person into the bedroom. For a slightly tamer version, the dominant partner can make the submissive watch them get off with a toy.
“Refuse to let your partner pleasure you and make them beg for a taste," Saynt suggests. "Come within a few inches of their mouth, watch their tongue slip out and get just close enough but not quite there. Make your body their prize and make the longing for it the punishment.”
“Grab ice cubes and use them to run along your partner's body while they are restrained,” Saynt says. “Use the ice to stimulate their body and offer a chilling experience.” This can go really well with a blindfold—that way the sub’s other senses, including touch, are heightened.
“What chore(s) does your sub hate doing? Make them do it—meticulously,” Pfeuffer suggests. What better excuse to not have to do the dishes tonight?
If your sub is naughty, take away their table privileges and force them to eat off the floor like a dog.
Tell your sub to get on all fours and act as a stool for you to rest your feet. Dive into a good book and force them to stay still until you’re good and ready to let them get up.
Is your sub being a little brat? “Put your submissive in the corner for a time-out,” Pfeuffer says. “Being ‘grounded’ for a little while can be incredibly effective” in getting them to follow your rules next time.
Dribble hot wax on a naughty sub’s body. Be sure you’re using a body-safe candle (like these from LoveHoney ), unless you really know what you’re doing. You don’t want to cause burns.
“Only allow your sub to pleasure themselves with your permission," Pfeuffer says. "If rules are broken, that permission is revoked." This means you hold the power over whether they experience pleasure or not; their pleasure is a gift you’re allowing them to enjoy in return for good behavior.
Have your sub go to the grocery store, the dry cleaners, or some other ordinary place while wearing a panty vibrator. You can accompany them, if you choose. We love the We-Vibe Moxie , which comes with its own remote for the dom to control.
If your sub breaks the rules, write what they did wrong on their body in permanent marker. Make them wear it around all day so they don’t forget how naughty they were.
Have your sub sit in the shower or bathtub and pee on them. This kind of humiliation play can get messy, so you might want to do it in the nude.
This is a form of “restrictive discipline,” much like giving your sub a “time out” in the corner. If they break the rules, take away something they enjoy as punishment. This could be access to the show they want to watch, their cell phone, or even an orgasm.
This one is taken right out of the old Catholic school playbook. If your sub does something they’re not supposed to, have them write out what they did a hundred times as punishment.
Have your sub wear a collar around. This shows them that they belong to you and you are in control. If you want ideas, we love this one .
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