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BDSM is made up of a group of interests, activities and desires or some call kinks and fetishes. Knowing your kinks and fetishes before you ever step into any kind of BDSM play is essential to make sure you avoid activities or fetishes that you do not have an interest in. It will also provide you with a better idea of your current desires, so you can find a potential partner or partners who may have compatible desires to yours and more easily negotiate play scenes.
As humans, our likes and dislikes will change over time, as will our kinks, fetishes and limits of what we will and will not do.
There is nothing wrong with kinks, fetishes and limits changing as W/we change. It is all a part of being human. Coming back revisiting your interests to see how you are evolving and changing is always a good idea.
As Aristotle said “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”
Need to figure out more clearly your desires, kinks, fetishes and limits are? Here is an example BDSM Interest Checklist you can use to get started.
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Training is an element that some couples incorporate into their BDSM relationships. Punishment is used to correct unwanted behavior, and some dominants strive to find the perfect punishment. The following BDSM punishment ideas and advice will help you find what works for you and your relationship.
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An important element of many D/s relationships is discipline ( discover how to have a functional D/s relationship ). What’s another word for discipline? Punishment!
BDSM punishments are a way to help a dominant train their submissive. For the rest of this article, we’ll discuss punishments as if you are the dominant, but you can show this page to your dominant if he is looking for new, cruel and unusual ways to punish you.
Whenever your submissive does something wrong, you punish him to teach a lesson. On the other hand, you provide encouragement and reward for those things that he does right. It means he understands the rules and your expectations – and he provides the right amount of attention to detail when performing those tasks.
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These submissive tasks and their corresponding punishments might be outlined in your BDSM contract (discover more in this post on BDSM contracts ), or they may be more informal. You devise them as the need arises and as you see fit. But if your sub/slave hasn’t agreed to punishment, then you can’t suddenly start punishing him.
Just because you’re in a BDSM relationship doesn’t mean you have to incorporate BDSM punishments. You might not have a training or service relationship at all, instead focusing more on sensation, sadomasochism, or bondage over discipline. Or you might be intent on training your submissive with a focus in positive reinforcement versus negative (punishment).
Psst, does this sound a little too advanced for you? Check out BDSM for Beginners .
Now, there is no actual crime. There might be a bad attitude, a broken rule or some other infraction. But whatever you choose for discipline must be more or less equal to the infraction. A minor mistake, therefore, might warrant a timeout.
You should save harsher BDSM punishments for worse – or repeated – infractions. It’s just like parenting. Consider this: use the least painful punishment to get the message across.
If you have trouble matching the discipline to the error, you might be disciplining your submissive in anger. Again, it’s similar to parenting. Anger can lead to making poor decisions regarding the BDSM punishments you give. It’s often helpful to take a breather to determine what punishment fits the crime and to ensure you’re not overdoing the punishment when it comes time to give it out.
Punishment should never be given when you’re angry because it’s all too easy to be too intense and potentially hurt your sub. You don’t want to go past what your sub can handle, which brings us to our next point.
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BDSM punishments must be practical and possible to complete. You don’t want to assign something that you know your submissive won’t be able to do. Failure is not your objective with BDSM discipline.
You can’t expect someone with arthritis or an injury to hold themselves in place for a prolonged period. Even though this might be a good form of BDSM discipline for an able-bodied person, a slip or fall could lead to further injury.
Furthermore, avoid punishments that could be potentially dangerous, including those that dehydrate someone or cut off their circulation. If your submissive is trying to please you by following instructions, he might not let you know that he cannot perform a certain task to your expectations. It’s up to you to know what he can do safely.
Pay attention to any signs of distress. Stop or adjust the punishment before it becomes a problem.
Similarly, punishments shouldn’t be hard limits. We mentioned a cane above, but if your submissive is terrified of caning, then it’s not a good tool to use – even as a BDSM punishment. If you push a hard limit, you’re violating trust. You might very well hurt someone you’re supposed to care about.
It’s also important to know your own limits. Some people struggling with dishing out discipline because it feels wrong. You can work through this if you choose to because you know you’re trying to teach a lesson and ultimately
By now, you’ve realized that punishment in BDSM is purposeful and thought out. Surprise punishments are out of the question. Why? Your submissive might not even know what he did wrong.
You should give him the opportunity to explain his mistake. This can even be a bit of delicious torment for him as he tries to figure it out. Sometimes he will, and others he won’t. When he’s able to guess, you can have him suggest what an appropriate punishment might be.
If he can’t figure out what his error was, you’ll need to tell him. This is an opportunity to go over expectations. When you’re disciplining, he’ll know exactly why and that the punishment is warranted and fair.
Surprise punishment can be confusing and hurtful, not to mention damaging for the trust that you two share.
Of course, timing does matter, so you don’t want to wait too long to exact punishment. Otherwise, your partner might think he’s escaped punishment or the lesson might not be impactful had you disciplined him sooner.
Finally, once punishment is done, it’s done. The two of you have agreed to X punishment for Y error. You complete punishment and give a lesson; then you move on. There’s no room in any relationship to keep rehashing old arguments or do what is keeping score, where you bring up infractions from your partner in the past. This is true for any romantic relationship, not just BDSM relationships.
Also keep in mind how punishing a submissive brat may be need to be done differently when compared to a different kind of submissive.
We’ve discussed aftercare before. It includes all the activities that help to keep a submissive mentally, emotionally, and physically cared for after a scene. and is an important component of how to do BDSM . If your punishment is a physical one (although, it might not be as you’ll see in just a few!), then your sub might need aftercare.
Aftercare can include balm or ointment for spanking and other impact play , a warm blank
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