Bdsm Dom

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Bdsm Dom
by Aryelle Siclait and Korin Miller Published: Feb 24, 2021
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Aryelle Siclait is the editor at Women's Health where she writes and edits articles about relationships, sexual health, pop culture, and fashion for verticals across WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She's a Boston College graduate and lives in New York.
Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, sexual health and relationships, and lifestyle trends, with work appearing in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more. She has a master’s degree from American University, lives by the beach, and hopes to own a teacup pig and taco truck one day.
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Who, btw, says it's the safest kind of sex you can have.
Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it's important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.
At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD , a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.
“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it's nice to be let off the hook," Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.
“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner , PhD, author of She Comes First . “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”
If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades ) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna ). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.
Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast . “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”
Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad...extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.
But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond:
P.S. Your experience doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy."
Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.
4. Consider making it a group affair.
If you realize that you're willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.
If they're not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can't get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it's common for couples to agree that "when there's one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon." Again, not as scary as it sounds!
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married.
This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come ).
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.
Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn't anticipate, decide on a word you'll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn't normally say in the bedroom, such as "milkshake" or "turtleneck."
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it's mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it's clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators , paddles, anal beads , and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.
"This is all about pleasure," says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.
The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.
Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out Halloween-style , but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.
"You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point," says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential . You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.
Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know," says Richmond. She assures she's "very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon," but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.
It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”
She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”
"The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves," says Richmond. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.
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Get your FREE "How to Be a Good Dom" quick-start guide!
In BDSM, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot. Being a Dom can seem very appealing. Most are people who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships and personal life. Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake doms out there. How can you make sure you’re not acting like one? Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a partner? Let’s consider what it means to be a real Dom.
To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake dom. If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue. Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish at times, but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.
Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sexually pleased whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships. But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.
A fake dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.” If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it. And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way. Real emotional harm can be done.
The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge. They crave obedience and need to be in control. They tend to be the “Alpha,” and that is why “Dom” is usually spelled with a capital letter while “sub” is usually lowercase. A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:
They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually. This means that they have order in their own personal lives. It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them.
The Dom also takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub. And the Dom maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.
Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it. Doms shouldn’t lose their temper. They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.
Another challenge a male Dom in particular may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women. They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.” Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.
A Dom may feel guilty always taking, but they need to remember that most subs want and need to be used sexually. That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role. Ways a Dom can do this are:
One challenge my Dom said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments. To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far. I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for. If anything, I think in the beginning I got off too easily sometimes.
A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part. They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, trying to be physically above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel .
A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct. They usually wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?” They might say, “I’m taking you out to dinner. Pick a place.”
One of my favorite things my Dom does is tell me to make him coffee. When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?” Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.
Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly. It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves. Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order. A lot of subs thrive on a set routine, and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.
To make this easier for the Dom you can keep track of everything in a downloadable BDSM contract .
The sub can also keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head. Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them. It takes constant effort, but it is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.
To learn more about training for both Doms and subs go here »
True dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s beautiful and willing submission.
Don’t forget to grab your FREE Quick-Start Guide below:
I thank you very much for that knowledge
I really enjoy your informative articles! I am so happy you have included the “signs” for spotting a fake Dom because that is a question I am often asked by people new to the lifestyle in my local BDSM community. Also, many many thanks for pointing out that even us Doms can make mistakes; I tend to be hardest on myself for that. Please keep the articles coming!
Thank you so much, Ken! That means so much to me. Feel free to share the articles with others in your community. ❤️
Years ago I was, in my humble, cough, cough, opinion, a good Dom prior to knowing there was anything called BDSM. I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, AND WE PLAYED THE ROLES WELL. I am a Vietnam veteran, and spent 13 years in the military, until injuries sustained there, eventually prevented me from doing my job in the military. We were together for about two and a half years other than when I was away doing my job, and eventually she needed more, time wise, than I was able to provide due to my job In the military. I miss that fun, and after reading all written here I was good at being a Dom. I guess there are places one could meet other like minded ppl. How could one find like minded people in an area, which sounds like it is more in the open than my days, decades ago?
Thank you for sharing your story, Charles! Fortunately, there are LOTS of online and offline ways to find local, like-minded people now. Be sure to read this article to help you on your journey. ????
I love this site. An abundance of info and focus on this Lifestyle. Thank you.
I started my experience as a bad Dom the last time I got into this life style, and I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole again. I was new and yes i also read your guide to “bad doms” I wasn’ t surprised that I had several signs.
I found someone quite amazing and I want to be the best person I can be. There are multiple points in your article that just made complete sense.
Good evening.
I am new in the BDSM world. I would like to say your site is very informative and I will continue visiting.
Thank you.
Thank
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