Bdsm Dom
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In the BDSM world of kink, two of the most commonly-used labels are "dom" and "sub" which stand for "dominant" and "submissive." In consensual kink scenarios involving BDSM, it can be common for one partner to play the role of the dominant person while the other plays a more submissive role.
"BDSM is a (consensual) erotic game of power where a dom is the person who commands while a sub is the person who obeys," says Katherin Winnick, sex expert at LetsTalkSex.net. "Although this would make it seem as though the dom is the one in control, on the contrary, in a healthy BDSM relationship, the sub has expressed his/her kinks and the dom is serving the sub and satisfying them," Winnick adds.
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A key note about dom and sub relationships is that in the world of kink and BDSM, these are not just unspoken labels. Having a frank, clear, discussion of the roles you and a partner will be undertaking during kinky sex is a must. Some people even draw up contracts, which sounds v. formal but is actually more common than you'd think.
A dom is short for dominant, aka the more aggressive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A dom might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they are in control of their submissive partner's climax through forced orgasms, ruined orgasms, or orgasm denial. Other common dom activities might include the dominant partner using a remote control sex toy on the submissive partner, or a dom face-sitting (also called queening) on their partner.
A sub is short for submissive, aka the more submissive person during a consensual BDSM scenario. A sub might derive sexual pleasure from activities where they can be disciplined, punished, spanked, or otherwise dominated by their partner. The sub in this dynamic might enjoy their partner controlling a remote control sex toy or panty vibe on them or being tied up during sex.
1. Always discuss limits and expectations beforehand
There should always be an understanding that this is a consensual dynamic and that no matter what role each person is playing, both have the right to stop play at any time if it gets uncomfy. Even if the submissive is playing submissive, they should be able to pull the plug. Likewise for a dom! Just because they've agreed to be a dom in this scenario, if they feel uncomfy going as hard as their sub would like, they can also stop at any time.
Many people use a word for "yellow" which means, "I'm approaching my limit, let's pause and back off a little," and a word for "red" which means hard stop, no questions asked.
3. Practice aftercare when the sex is over
Aftercare is a common BDSM practice where the dom and sub reassure each other that the kink scenario they just played out is not reflective of real life. This can look like a dom reassuring their sub, getting them a glass of water, or cuddling. It's like when the director of a movie yells "Cut!" and things go back to normal.
8 Things to Know About Aftercare for BDSM Sex
As Angela Watson, a clinical social worker and sex therapist who runs DoctorClimax previously explained to Cosmopolitan, "Aftercare is all about re-establishing the dynamic that was [consensually] exploited during [kinky] sex."
Probably the most famous dom and sub relationship would be 50 Shades of Grey, with Christian as the dom and Anastasia as the sub. But — and big but here — it is worth noting that while Christian is a dom in the sense that he's dominant, Anastasia's character isn't quite a sub in the proper, kink-dictionary-level sense.
This is because Anastasia doesn't express equal footing in their relationship and their rough sex is more about Christian onboarding an inexperienced Anastasia into aspects of BDSM rather than two equally enthusiastic partners coming to a mutual dom-sub dynamic for kinky sex.
In a legit dom-sub relationship, the dynamic ends after play, so Anastasia living in Christian's house and having to see doctors that Christian facilitates that put her on birth control is just Christian being controlling, and past the point of what a dom in a kink scene would do.
So, in terms of recognition, 50 Shades did popularize the BDSM aspect of sex superficially with the whips and blindfolds, but their dom sub relationship isn't a healthy example of a dom and sub relationship.
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Carina Hsieh Sex & Relationships Editor Carina Hsieh lives in NYC with her French Bulldog Bao Bao — follow her on Instagram and Twitter • Candace Bushnell once called her the Samantha Jones of Tinder • She enjoys hanging out in the candle aisle of TJ Maxx and getting lost in Amazon spirals.
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BDSM Contract Template For Dom And Sub [Free PDF Template]
Dainis Graveris
Updated: March 31, 2021
If you’ve been experimenting with some BDSM play with your partner, you know that drafting an official BDSM contract might be a good idea.
It is especially important if your kinky playtime is way more than just occasional tying and spanking as it helps to set a common ground and release yourself into your roles fully.
So, let’s look at what exactly a BDSM contract is, why you might want to create one, and also, I’ll be sharing a template you can use.
So, the BDSM contract is a contract that you create with your partner with all of your sub/dom play rules, punishments, and any other details.
It’s part of the whole appeal of the BDSM and can be a great update on your bondage play, having the contract to remind you of your agreement.
Now, you must know that it’s not a legally binding document, even if you sign it!
So, you can’t really take your partner to court if they didn’t obey you and didn’t suck your dick on a Friday night like it was outlined…
It also has to be consensual and signed by both parties agreeing to everything that is outlined inside.
If you’re not sure why you might need to have one, here are a few good reasons to convince you:
#1: This contract will establish clear rules, boundaries, and limits of your BDSM set-up, leaving you both safe to dive into your roles.
#2: It will ensure that both you and your partner are on the same page about what you want from the dynamic/playtime/relationship.
#3: It will guide your relationship and allow you to strengthen your intimate bond.
As with all the other contracts, there are a few key parts you need to know before crafting your own BDSM contract template.
First of all, you should know that there are a few different types of BDSM contracts:
And now, here are the essential parts of every BDSM should have:
And now, let’s get to the actual BDSM contract template:
Submissive – the person that is giving away their power and is absolutely giving into Dominant’s will during the BDSM scene.
Dominant – the person that has all the power over the Submissive and is responsible for all the arrangements during the BDSM scene.
Boundaries – a set of soft and hard limits for the punishments, bondage, and humiliation that are not allowed during the acene.
Punishments and Rewards – a set of actions that are taken in case of Submissive’s bad or good behavior. The Dominant can only use the punishments they agreed on upon signing the contract and can decide when the Submissive deserves to be punished and if they deserve to be rewarded.
Safe Word – the world both parties agree on to be used if any party is feeling uncomfortable, wants to slow down, or is approaching their limits.
This agreement outlines the consensual relationship between the two individuals.
The contract’s purpose is protecting the dominant and submissive parties while they both explore the activities they agreed on.
This agreement is valid only in the bedroom, during the BDSM play scene and does not extend upon the matters of parenting, financial matters, or major life decisions.
The initial contract duration is starting from [date] and is valid until that date or until the contract is terminated by any of the parties.
The contract can also be terminated at any point by either the Dominant or the Submissive if there are any health or safety issues.
Both the Submissive and Dominant parties have equal rights to use any of the safe words agreed upon below at any time during the play.
The “Safe word #1” indicates that the party feels good with the course of the play and should always answer if the other party is asking.
The “Safe word #2” indicates the party’s will to slow the activities down.
The “Safe word #3” is used to show the need to stop any of the activities.
Once any of the agreed safe words are used, the second party must respect the intention behind it and adjust the activities accordingly.
Safe word #1:__________________________________
Safe word #2:__________________________________
Safe word #3:__________________________________
The Dominant and the Submissive will have a set of limitations of activities, punishments, and actions that each party can endure.
These boundaries will be agreed upon before signing the contract, and both parties have to honor them during the duration of the contract.
Each party agrees to obey the limits and to not cross the Hard Limits under no circumstances.
If any party disrespects and pushes the Hard Limits agreed upon above, the scene must be over immediately and the other party has the right to end the relationship and terminate the contract immediately.
Before signing the agreement, both the Dominant and Submissive have to discuss the activities that are safe to perform during the scene.
The Dominant and the Submissive agree that appropriate punishments are needed for the growth of the submissive.
The Submissive will be told when they have been bad, and before they will receive the punishment.
The punishments will be delivered promptly, and they will fit the Submissive’s disobedience.
Punishments are not negotiable and are in the sole power of the Dominant, but the submissive always has the right to use Safe Words to stop or pause the punishments if there are any concerns.
The list of possible punishments is agreed upon by both parties upon the signing of the contract.
The list of punishments that both parties agreed on is:
On the rare occasions that the Dominant feels like the Submissive needs to be rewarded for their good behavior, they can grant them mercy.
The rewards will be rare, and the Submissive should not expect the Dominant to grant them gifts for every good behavior.
The Dominant has the right to decide on when the reward will be given to the Submissive or which reward is appropriate.
The Submissive doesn’t have the right to ask the Dominant for the reward and can be punished for asking.
Both parties agree on the rewards before signing the contract.
The list of rewards both parties agreed on:
The contract between two consensually agreeing parties is active immediately after signing it.
Submissive’s Signature ____________________________Date__________________
Dominant’s Signature _____________________________ Date __________________
So, if you’ve wanted to take your BDSM play with your partner to another level, now you know exactly how to do it!
But seriously, having the contract you both agree on to make your BDSM play more official is great. It’s crucial for BDSM as it can really quickly turn into something traumatizing if both parties are not on the same page.
Feel free to modify this contract to fit your envisioned kind of play.
Have fun, be open with your partner, and it’ll be the best experience in your life!
With over 2 year experience working in a local adult toy store Dainis has gathered quite a bit of experience about helping people find the best for their needs. He's also a top writer on Quora (7M views, 2.3K followers) and has written over 70+ guides on SexualAlpha. Read More
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