Bdsm Diary

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Bdsm Diary
The thoughts and musings of a consensual slave.

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After talking with J, both yesterday and today, I feel much better. I’m still confused on some issues, but I’ve decided to let it go. It’s not worth it for me to try and pursue them. The reason being that it will only hurt me worse. And, I don’t want to be hurt.
So, I’m forgetting it and moving on. Yes, I’ll still wonder why. Yes, I’ll still be angry at the lies that were told. However, I’m not going to let it take up all my energy and time. That’s not worth it.
I have good Masters and good friends. I have a wonderful dog, and God above… What more could a woman want?
I had started to forgive him. I had started to forgive him, and…
On Frriday night, I received a letter from my friend J. J was very freaked out because she had been given conflicting information from us. She wanted to sort it out,that is all. She recommended a conference to “get to the bottom of this”. I felt this was only reasonable, so I offered to conference with him. He did not want to conference with me.
Today, I talked to J. J told me everything that runaway Master told her. She was not happy about being put in the middle, so she told everybody everything. Everybody being myself, Runaway M, S and G, who are people whom J is very close to and who have become friends of mine also. She was very upset when she wrote that letter, and, I don’t blame her.
We talked for a long time today, and J and I feel that my runaway Master is very suspect — that he is making accusations that have no proof, and that is suspicious. According to her, she doesn’t believe him. She says that there are reasons not to believe him, and, we’ve caught him in several lies.
And, when it really matters, I’ve told the truth, where it counts. I apologized to J for what I felt needed an apology. There is one other person I need to talk to, then I’ll leave him behind.
She says that he left because, according to him, I was verbally abusive. Verbally abusive? C’mon, get real! He knows that wasn’t true. An, if it was true, if someone loved someone else and all of a sudden this problem came up, you’d think that the person would tell the one they loved what the problem was and give them a chance to work it out. If runaway M felt I was being this way, and neither I nor my other Masters believe that i was, then he should have brought it to my attention and I would have attempted to work on the problem. I loved him that much. I really did. That still doesn’t tell me why he really left, but it does tell me one thing. It tells me that I do not want him back, and that someone who will toss someone else aside so casually and then not be forthcoming about it, is someone I do not wish to waste my time loving.
Oh, yeah, and he’s hiring a lawyer. For what? We had no money exchanging hands. We had no kids. Nothing exchanged hands between us. What? Is he afraid I’ll sue him? If so, he need not worry. I’d rather spend my time caring about people who really love me. I’d rather spend my time with J, S and G, that is if S and G will have anything to do with me after this. I’d rather spend my time with my wonderful Masters, who have been here for me through the very start of this. And, if he tries to sue me… Well, thinking about that… That’s just a laugh!
I know now that he was planning to leave me for a long time. The last few weeks for him have been an act. All an act. I gotta give him credit, he’s a great actor. To bad he won’t ever win an Academy Award.
Thank you J, for telling me the truth and leveling with me. That means a lot.
Thank you L.SC for listening to me while I talk, for allowing me to tell you things that I have kept inside for years. It is very cathartic.
So, that’s what’s been going on in my world…
Well, just as my runaway Master left me and made me disappear from his world, I am partially doing the same thing.
I am not making him disappear from my world, nor from my heart. He’ll always be with me. This is partly a good thing, and partly bad. He hurt me very deeply, but as Master R said, “In the morning, the sun’s gonna shine because it doesn’t care if your heart is broken.”. Yes, my heart is broken, but runaway Master or not, I’ll piece it back together one day soon.
I changed the passwords on my email accounts and on this blog. I don’t think he’s the type of person to be melicious, but I didn’t think he’d leave me either. I guess I didn’t know him at all.
It’s sad, because the belief system he claims to have, and the things which he practices, do not condone such behaviour as his. So, I’m leaving no stone unturned as I go through and change everything…
Other than that, today was a good day. I slept in, for the first time in a long time,I read a book, talked with Masters and friends, (the real variety), and baked cupcakes with my child. It was, all around, a great day!
Yes, there’s still the sadness, and that’ll be around for a while, but I know that it’ll fade with time.
On Christmas Eve, a day filled with joy, happiness and fun for many around the world, I was crying my eyes out.
One of my Masters left me yesterday.
I wish I could say that he’d died, and in a way, that might have made it easier, but he didn’t. Although, in a way he did, because the man who I knew is dead.
For his privacy, I will not go into the whole story, although God knows my heart needs to tell someone. All I will say is that he was a Master that did not live with us yet, but was planning to move in in February.
I don’t know what drove him away, since he never even bothered to tell me. If I had to guess, I’d say that it had something to do with a lady who is the wife of onf of his superiors. I say this for one reason.
While we were talking last night, this Master and I, either she or her husband, called him Today, once things began to escalate, and I realized that he wouldn’t be getting in touch, I checked a few things out…
This Master called me every morning at a certain time. If he was out, he called me on his cell or left it on, so I could call him upon my waking. I woke at this time every morning. He did not call this morning and his cell phone was off. When I attempted to phone him, I could not get through. I’ll spare areveryone most of the details, accept to say that some of the things that Master and I had shared together had either been deleted, and the email accounts he had to which I knew the passwordswere changed. I moderate a group to which Master had belonged, along with the wife of his superior. He was also a moderator. I checked the membership logs to see if Master was still a member.
I was shocked to find out that Master had been banned. Since I am the only one other than Master himself who could ban him, and I know I didn’t do it, I had to assume that it was done, using my email account, for whatever reason. I also noticed that the lady who I mentioned was no longer a member. I can only postulate that he either banned himself using my email account and then told her he’d been banned, causing her to then remove herself, banned himself and removed her with my email account, or finally, she told him something about me and then removed herself.
Anyway, the long and short of it is, no email, no phone call, no goodbye.
This the very day after we talked about the old love I had who’d ended the relationship via email. This very same master commented just how not fair and cowardly that lover was. Then, he goes and does the same thing to me the very next day!
If, indeed, he heard something about me from someone else, even someone he knew before me, was I so unimportant to him that he could not even confront me with what he’d heard? His decision might have been the same, but at least I would have had a chance to say my piece.
If he no longer wished to remain in a relationship with “The best thing that’s happened to me in a very long time”, yes, it would have made me sad. Very sad. But surely I was owed enough, even if we were merely friends, to be told why he was cutting off the relationship?
I suppse, I was raised with more decency.
I went from being petulent, to worried to a dawning awareness.
I even unknowingly foresaw this in a dream I’d had last night. Some things were different, because in the dream, he at least told me he know longer wished to have the relationship. I told him just before we hung up and he reassured me that it was only a dream and he would never leave me… What does that make him?
What is so bad that we can’t work through?
I told him that if he no longer wished contact with him, I would not contact him again. I’m sorry I said it though, because I promised I would help him with something that he needs that will take about half his savings. I still would send him a check, too, even after his leaving. me. He promised he would never leave me and he did, but I don’t break my promises. I know who his lawyer is, maybe I’ll send his check there.
If I didn’t have my other Masters, I’d be dead by now. Still, I am being surrounded by love and they are helping me through this. Those who knew him, Master O, Master R and the others, are shocked and upset, because he was their friend, too.
After all the things you’d helped me through? After all the times you could have left? After all the times you should have left and you stayed? Now, you leave, and you don’t even tell me why? I will always love you. I will always wish you well. Oh, Master, I wish you no ill. And, if you ever need a shoulder, I’m here.
I’ll never forget you for the kindnesses you showed me.
I hope you have a wonderful life. It’s all out there for you!
I have been *very* reluctant to write this because I don’t want to offend anyone. MASTER R says I should write it anyway, because as he said, “It’s
your damn journal and if people don’t like it, what do you care?”
This has been bothering me for two days now and has got me doing alot of thinking which isn’t necesarily a bad thing… Some of what I write here will be
paraphrased and some will be my own writing. Time to take the plunge… GERONIMO!
I am a member of several online support groups for those who live or want to live BDSM and any combination thereof. A question was posed in one of these
groups… The question was basically [Is the ultimate goal for every sub in a D/s relationship to become a slave? Why or why not?] I had to think about
this before I answered… I wrote:
I think that the relationship should manifest as those in the relationship
wish it to manifest. many claim that ‘slavery’ is the ultimate form of
submission. In my opinion, this is just not so. Slaves are not better than
subs. We should judge people on their actions, not on the title that is
used by them or their doms or masters.
Someone, I shall not use names for privacy sake, responded with something along the lines of saying that slavery was the *ultimate* form of submission and
the question did not have anything to do with one being better than the other… In response, I wrote:
In my opinion, it certainly does. Maybe in your world it doesn’t and that’s cool.
If someone gives their body, heart and mind to another to use as that person sees fit, has no choice in anything and has consented to nonconsent but still
calls himself a sub, is that better or worse than a person who does the same thing and calls himself a slave? No it’s not… People use whatever title
fits them, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, even if we don’t understand it.
I also don’t believe that there is one *ultimate* form of submission. While it is true that many subs do retain some power in their relationships and slaves
do not, one is not better than the other.
For some subs, slavery is the eventual goal. For others, it is not. Yes, their are some differences between the two, consensual nonconsent being one,
but the bottom line is, in my opinion, that sub or slave, it’s just a title. Being true to yourself and to your master, mistress, dom, domme or whatever
else is the most important thing. To much focus is placed on titles.
This was just a fraction of the discussion on this topic… Now, to what I am actually trying to say here, if it is possible for me to make any sense at
all. This person apparently feels differently than I do. Is that wrong? Certainly not. What is wrong in my opinion is the failure to accept that in another
person’s dynamic, things may be done differently.
What works for you and your relationship may not be what works for me and mine… I can have opinions, but those opinions are only important contextually,
in celine’s world… Do others have the right to express opinions that differ with mine? Sure they do and I love hearing them. Gives me alot to think about.
What I hate are the individuals who insist that a differing opinion is *wrong*. it’s not wrong, it’s merely different. My opinions are no less valid because
they pertain to my world, just as the opinions of others pertain to them and their situations. All opinions are valid.
Ok, back to the original question… I think I answered the question pretty thoroughly, so I’ll not repeat myself… As to the feeling that the question
wasn’t about whether one is better than the other, as I said, I can’t agree with that either. Let me try to elucidate.
First, let me start by defining ultimate…
1. last, final.
2. the best
3. the biggest
4. (in consumer goods) the last so far, the best in our opinion, the biggest in its class, etc.
As you can no doubt see, definitions two and four have to do with being the *best* at something. So, saying that ‘slavery’ is the ultimate goal would imply
that it is better than submission. I have trouble accepting this is the case even though I am a slave. Should people be looked down upon because they choose
not to travel down what someone else thinks is the ‘ultimate’ path? I think not. Should people be so overwhelmed by the pressure that is associated with
one title or another and as a result make decisions that are not right for them? The answer is, a resounding no… A title is a title. I call myself a
slave to my MASTERS because we have defined slavery among ourselves. I call them my MASTERS because we have defined mastery among ourselves. And, who’s
opinions matter the most when it comes to *my* relationships? My opinions and those of my partners.
If my definition doesn’t equal your definition, that’s fine, but don’t you dare call mine incorrect because you disagree… I was attempting to explain
this whole thing to a ‘nilla friend of mine… I said, “If you were a jockey, living in Ireland and riding racehorses for a living, what would be the one
thing, careerwise above all others that you would want to do?”
“Ride in the Irish Sweepstakes.” she replied.
“That would be your ultimate goal? Your ultimate dream?”
“Now,” I said, “let’s pretend that Bill is a jockey in Texas. What is the one thing that he would probably consider to be the thing he’d want to do the
most?”
“Ride in the Kentucky Derby,” she replied.
She thought for a minute. “Neither,” she finally said…
Now, suppose we add another person to that who wants to ride racehorses but has never done it before… His biggest dream is to ride in a race, just once.
Is that better or worse than Bill who wants to ride in the Derby? No, it isn’t. Is it less valid? No, not that either.
I think what is important here is defining what your dreams are and then working toward achieving those dreams. If you can’t be true to yourself, you can’t
be true to anyone. Part of defining what those dreams and goals are is, in my opinion, realizing that a title is only a general label. Nothing more. Nothing
less…
My reflection in this matter reminds me of a certain quote:
Most People think, when they’re young, that they’re going to the top of their chosen world. And, that the climb up is only a formality. Without that faith
I suppose they might never start. Somewhere on the way, they lift their eyes to the summit, and know they aren’t going to reach it. And happiness then
is looking down, enjoying the view they’ve got, not envying the one they haven’t.
Dick Francis, Reflex
I hope I have made some sort of sense here, but… I doubt it. If you have read this far, you are truly a saint.
My ultimate goal? To always be true to my MASTERS, slaves and friends. To live a life of service. And, to be true to myself.
I’ve been a bratty little bitch lately.
About five days ago, I was punished for forgetting to take my Morphine on time. This got me a rather mild punishment, but a punishment, nonetheless.
Sunday, I was again punished. Not once, but twice. The first was for being bratty and the second for failing to remember that Master can do whatever he pleases, even if it hurts my feelings. And, this did hurt my feelings.
We were sitting discussing something and Master asked me the answer to a question. I answered him. He, then, Proceeded to look up the answer for himself. Two things flashed through my mind. The first was why the fuck don’t you believe me? The second, was why ask me if you were going to look?
I decided I’d be wise not to bring up the second, but I did ask him why he didn’t believe me. He said that yes, of course he believed me but he learned better by seeing it. So, my response was, of course, “Well then, why didn’t you look instead of asking me?”. I was then told that he learned better when he both heard it and saw it. I thought it odd that Master always seemed to have an excuse. Now, I am not accusing Master of lying, but dammit. It seemed awful fishy to me, that everytime I challenged him, he automatically had an answer.
The aforementioned brattiness came in when he asked me another question and I responded, “Well, why don’t you just look?”.
For both, I got writing assignments. God, how I hate writing assignments.
Maybe it’s just me, but why is it that whenever I seem to need some kind of response from Master L, a kind word, a reassurance, etc, he *needs* to go to bed? Ok, to be fair, I do usually wind up bringing these matters up right before bedtime. So, I can hardly say that it is all L’s fault. Still, telling me “I love you. I need to go to bed.” does not assuage me in the least.
I know he needed to go to bed, and I know I’m loved. Still, I can’t help but feel terribly sad. I needed something, and, I can’t help but feel let down. Maybe it is me, more than L who is doing the letting down, since I can’t tell anyone, least of all myself, what I needed.
This all stems from a deep, profound sense of awfulness I have. a deep sense of loss and foreboding, which won’t go away. I feel that L will leave me — pack up and drift away, just like all the others have. What then? Will I be able to pick up the pieces? I think not. L says that no matter what, he’ll try never to leave me. And, still, I know, in my heart, that day is coming. The day when he says he’s sorry and very sad, but that he really must move on. I cry myself to sleep with the dread of it.
In my post, “An update, and som
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