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How To Keep Things Interesting When Taking It Slow
A Guide To BDSM Aftercare, According To An Expert
Aryelle Siclait
Editor
Aryelle Siclait is the editor at Women's Health where she writes and edits articles about relationships, sexual health, pop culture, and fashion for verticals across WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine.

Korin Miller
Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, sexual health and relationships, and lifestyle trends, with work appearing in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more.

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Who, btw, says it's the safest kind of sex you can have.
Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it's important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.
At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD , a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.
“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it's nice to be let off the hook," Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.
“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner , PhD, author of She Comes First . “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”
If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades ) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna ). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.
Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast . “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”
Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad...extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.
But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond:
P.S. Your experience doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy."
Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.
4. Consider making it a group affair.
If you realize that you're willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.
If they're not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can't get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it's common for couples to agree that "when there's one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon." Again, not as scary as it sounds!
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married.
This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come ).
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.
Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn't anticipate, decide on a word you'll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn't normally say in the bedroom, such as "milkshake" or "turtleneck."
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it's mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it's clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators , paddles, anal beads , and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.
"This is all about pleasure," says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.
The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.
Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out Halloween-style , but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.
"You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point," says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential . You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.
Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know," says Richmond. She assures she's "very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon," but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.
It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”
She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”
"The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves," says Richmond. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.

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What Is
and Is Not the BDSMblem?

These are
BDSMblems
All three of these graphics are the Real Thing.
Their details meet all the critical criteria of the
BDSM Emblem design:
1) The rims and spokes are of a color indicating
metal, in this case gold, iron and silver.
2) The rims and spokes are of uniform width with the
arms rotating clockwise.
3) The inner fields are black.
4) The holes in the fields are truly holes and not
dots.

This is not!
This is a basic Celtic Triskele. It is many hundreds
of years old and originally represented the Three
Faces (or phases) of the Goddess in pre-Christian
Celtic culture. Since the coming of Christianity to
the Celtic lands, it's come to symbolize the
Trinity. Modern Pagans continue to use it as a
symbol of balance among many of life's 3-fold
divisions.

This is not!
This symbol, with dots instead of holes, was the
coat of arms of an ancient Okinawan family and has
since become the emblem of a form of Okinawan
martial arts. Reverse the direction of rotation to
get the coat of arms of a rival family.

This is not!
With a red rim, arms, and dots, this triskele is the
emblem of a school of Buddhist Drumming.

This is not!
To the best of my knowledge, this exact symbol
belongs to nobody at the moment. But there are many
oddly colored variants like this out there on BDSM
sites, all making one or more of the design mistakes
here. The arms rotate the wrong way. The rim and
arms are not metal-colored. The inner fields are not
black. It's a Triskele, but it is not the BDSMblem.

This is not!
Again, I am unaware of this variation symbolizing
anything in particular. Many Triskeles similar to it
appear on BDSM Web sites — often with the rim and
arms tubular and the dots appearing as little globes
(a version I'm not a good enough artst to recreate).
A nice design, but the details do not identify it as
the BDSM Emblem.

This is not!
This is another form of Celtic Triskele. It often
appears without the circle, as well. Some believe
this is the design Pauline Reage had in mind when
she described the ring worn in The Story of O ,
so it does have legitimate claim to BDSM
signifiance. It does not, however, belong uniquely
to the BDSM world. Besides its basic Celtic
significance, this Triskele has become a symbol for
Breton Nationalism, a movement for political
independence of the French region of Brittany, which
has a Celtic background and culture.

This is not!
This Triskele is the logo of the United States
Department of Transportation.

This is not!
This is a Taoist symbol, known as a Taegeuk. There
are many variations used by a wide array of
different Taoist groups. The colors, use of dots and
meanings vary. The name comes from the Chinese words
"Tae" (joyfullness) and "Geuk" (eternity). The term
"Taegeuk" is also used to describe forms in Tae Kwon
Do, but that apparently has little or nothing to do
with the design — at least as far as I can tell.
Similar Triskeles are used in various Buddhist
traditions as well.

This is not!
Here we have an old Italian Triskele. It was the
symbol of Trinacria, which is now Sicily. It came
back into use in 1808 when Murat became King of
Naples. A similar Triskele appears on the coats of
arms of the Isle of Man and of Cossa, Italy.

Sortas, Kindas,
and Maybes

Variation 1
This was the first variant to turn up online,
developed by a fellow in England whose name I've
forgotten (if you know, please remind me so I can
give him due credit). From a design details point of
view, it is almost entirely wrong. Only the barest
remnant of the original symbolism remains. On the
other hand, there is no denying that it looks really
cool, so who can help but like it? Part of me wishes
I'd thought of this approach myself, but if I had, I
wouldn't have used it. It is too cool, and
the BDSMblem needed to be of a design subtle enough
not to call attention to itself when worn as
jewelry. This would not do the job. I have seen this
particular shaping, with the blade-like arms
rotating counterclockwise to a minimal rim, cited
from a work on "Masonic and Occult Symbols," but
have seen no reference to colors or dots. And while
this shape is clearly old, my reference source was
one I consider extremely suspect in terms of
ascribing history and meaning. So, since this
depiction appears to be unique and not treading on
any other symbolic toes, I personaly recognize it as
a legitimate alternate symbol for BDSM web sites,
although not actually a BDSMblem.

^sparrow's SSC Variant

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