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Imagine the horror— You’re having a walk in the park, and a balloon comes flying, hits you across the body, and splashes its white sticky contents on you. You have been hit by a semen-filled balloon! How much more disgusting can things get? Are there no depths to which perverts will sink to harass and humiliate women?
If you believe all the outrage - No.
You may have been hit by dirty water. Hit by sewage in polythene. Hit by a truck. But your were never hit by a semen balloon. No one was ever hit by a semen balloon. All that outrage masquerading as news and reporting and first-hand experiences are bogus.
Why? How? Are you a misogynist? Are you normalising semen-flinging? Are you defending the perverts out there? That they won’t do it?
No. They would do it - If only they could. But, praise be to god - They can’t.
Ok, so here is how it goes. To fill a small balloon, you will need about 100 ml of fluid. A medium sized balloon, 200 ml.
The typical male ejaculate is about 5 ml. No more. The men who produce those bucket loads exist only in PornHub and Xvideos. Let's keep them out of this academic discussion.
This means a pervert needs to masturbate about 19 times to fill a small balloon and twice as much to fill a medium sized balloon.
Is that possible? Yes. Then, it’s a long-term project. You can’t fill a balloon by getting a balloon and unzipping your fly.
Let’s assume the pervert goes at it with great dedication, and collects fluids three times a day - Morning, noon and night. (We are counting only 3 efforts here, because with each ejaculation, the quantity reduces; so, more attempts doesn’t mean more volume). At 5 ml per session, this committed pervert has to work a week produce enough to fill a small balloon, twice as much to fill a medium sized balloon. Are there committed perverts? Of course. Are there perverts committed enough to work a week or two on THIS project? May be not.
Okay, let’s assume there are such men in our midst. (We have seen worse) How does this gentleman get all that stuff into a balloon?
Before that, one must understand the composition of semen. It contains spermatozoa, chemicals, proteins and water. It’s alkaline in nature to neutralise the acidic secretions of the vaginal tract -- Or else they will neutralise the spermatozoa themselves.
Five ml of the semen dries up in a few minutes. At max, an hour. Keep in the open and it will dry up. Keep in a fridge and it will dry faster.
To make it simpler, think of blood. It remains in liquid form in our body. Once you are bleeding, natural coagulants in blood trigger in a complex series of reactions so the liquid blood becomes a dry clot to stop bleeding. (Note: Menstrual blood doesn’t clot - Normally. This is because it contains natural anti-coagulants. Thank me later for the GK)
Seminal fluid in sperm banks are cryo-preserved in liquid nitrogen with so-called semen extenders under lab conditions to keep them for decades. Outside, it has as much longevity as a snowflake in hell. In the dry weather of Delhi where these weirdos are apparently on the prowl, even less.
Well, if something dries up in less than an hour, how can our perv work for a week to produce enough to fill a ballon? Every time he returns to his bottle or whatever, the previous output will be dry! As even perverts know, dry stuff can’t be stuffed into a balloon.
Our perv now has a problem in his hands. Literally. He is never going to complete his dream project.
The other option for him is to vacuum-seal the 5ml every time, and do a diligent transfer. If he is a chemist with a lab and equipment, perhaps he can do it. Most people aren’t chemists and don’t have (such) equipment.
What if a battery of chemists and committed jerks join hands and produce the required 150 ml at one go, together. This is pure PornHub territory. Let’s not go there.
Wait, let’s go there and assume we somehow have this 150 ml to fill a medium sized balloon. What do we do with it?
Have you ever filled a balloon with air? Yes?
Ever filled a balloon with water? Yes?
Air and water are able to inflate the balloon because of the pressure. Air pressure, from a pump or your mouth, or water pressure, from a tap. No pressure, no inflation. You can’t inflate a balloon by holding it against the wind. You can’t fill a balloon by pouring a bucket of water into it.
How does one get 150 ml of semen into a balloon? Is it possible?
For this, you need a compressor. Even a vacuum cleaner can be reversed to use as a jet pipe. With this, you can get the semen into the balloon.
You get how ridiculously impossible this whole project is. Don’t laugh.
So, what exactly happened? Well, I can only speculate.
Possibly, water. If you can get some soap or starch into a balloon and THEN pump water into it, it would possibly resemble what the impossible project above is supposed to produce. “Semen balloons”.
Why do we believe everything we are told, like when we were told idols of Ganpati were drinking milk?
Answer: We are wired to ‘believe’, not question/counter/investigate. It’s this human desire to ‘believe’ that has been exploited by religions, corporations and charlatans from time immemorial. Resist it.
Foot note: Aren’t there perverts around? Of course there are. There are many men who would have made semen balloons and flung them — If it was possible. In fact, they do worse. We have heard of urine flung in polythene. Excreta wrapped in paper. Name it.
Are you a misogynist, James? Patriarchal?Are you normalising flinging things at women? You may be a rank holder in zoology, but you're undermining the larger cause with your logic! How could you?!
Getting society to accord civil treatment to women, the poor and the disenfranchised is a long fight fought the hard way. Hoaxes like semen balloons diminish and set back that serious, long term fight. Fight real enemies. Skip the wind mills.
Remember: When you believe in semen balloons and outrage about it, the guys who came up with this trick are laughing. They wanted to gross you out; they wanted to make you think it's semen. You believed. Mission accomplished.
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