Bad Teens Love

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How to Teach Teens About Love, Consent and Emotional Intelligence
Navigating love and relationships can be difficult at any age, but especially so in the angsty teenage years. Budding romances can be fun and exhilarating but also confusing and uncomfortable. In these moments of confusion, teens often turn to friends or the internet for advice. But what if teens were trained with other options? What if lessons in love and romance were taught more explicitly in schools and at home?
It turns out that teens are yearning for these lessons. They're looking for more guidance from parents on emotional aspects of romantic relationships — everything from “how to develop a mature relationship” to “how to deal with breakups,” according to a survey by the Harvard Graduate School of Education’s Making Caring Common project.
“Our data is showing a lot of kids do want to have this conversation,” said Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist who co-authored the study of the 18- to 25-year-olds. He said that teachers and parents should be establishing themselves as experts on mature relationships and, in turn, creating an environment in which teens feel comfortable seeking advice about those experiences.
“There are a huge amount of mistakes and misunderstandings that go on here on a daily basis, and good sex education can really help with that," he said.
The majority of us have experienced lessons on human anatomy and pregnancy prevention in school, but what Weissbourd is referring to when he says “good sex education” goes beyond the basics.
Health educators like Shafia Zaloom are trying to create a more holistic approach to sex ed by teaching lessons in love and intimacy. She teaches a six-week course at the Urban School of San Francisco that follows the lifespan of a romantic relationship. The curriculum she has developed encompasses human sexuality and personal integrity with specific lessons in topics like sexual orientation, consent, good sex and pleasure.
“I teach it because human relationships are one of the most important aspects of our lives. The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives,” she said. “Authentic connection matters and makes a difference. The focus of my work has always been on social justice and equity as well. There’s a lot of work to do with this in the realm of sex education.”
One of Zaloom's students, a 15-year-old boy, says his favorite part has been learning about the nuance of consent. In one class, students watched and analyzed a sex scene from the movie “Super Bad.” He says that activity opened up his eyes to how media can alter our perception of reality.
“When I watch movies, I usually don't think in my head if it's consensual or not, I just go with it, but looking back on it, I'm like, ‘Oh wait, that's not consensual, I don't know why he's doing that,’” he said. “You got to be taught those things, you can't just be influenced by the things you see in the movies, you need to learn about it in real life.”
Zaloom acknowledges that, as an adult, initiating these conversations with teens can be nerve-wracking. Her advice is to: “Pace yourself. Have lots of smaller conversations (vs. the BIG TALK) over time that scaffolds the learning.”
Below are a handful of additional tips from educators and researchers on how to effectively teach about love, consent and emotional intelligence.  
Matthew Lippman is a high school English teacher at Beaver Country Day School in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts. A few years ago, he began teaching a course called MEMOIR: LOVE.
“The first thing is that you want to really set up a space that is safe and that will be, at times, uncomfortable. Super uncomfortable,” said Lippman. “Trust the kids. They know what they are talking about in big and deep and meaningful ways. I think it is very important to let them, in their own way, guide the conversation. This means that ‘getting out of the way’ is really important.”
Talk about your own romantic relationships
Tackling these conversations with teens can be intimidating, especially if you’ve never done it before. For starters, Weissbourd suggests developing go-to language. One way to do this is to talk about your own relationships. Even if they didn’t last forever, there can be value in learning about failed relationships.
Here are some questions to ask yourself as you begin teaching teens about romantic relationships: What was healthy about my relationships? What was unhealthy? If they were troubled in some way, why did they become that way? What attitudes or behaviors would you change if you could? Were there warning signs in your relationship or concerning qualities in your partner that you should have seen or taken more seriously?
“It’s often helpful to discuss these questions with trusted friends or to consult experts. Share with your teens any lessons you’ve learned about the skills, attitudes and sensitivities that it takes to maintain a healthy romantic relationship or any close relationship,” the Harvard study suggests.
Facilitate conversations about ethical decision-making
What do I do if I know my friend is cheating on his girlfriend, who is also my friend? Is infidelity justified under any circumstances? Is it exploitation when a high school senior hooks up with a first-year student? These types of questions can engage teens in lively conversation — and help them formulate their own opinions about how to handle complicated situations. It also helps students gain perspective, especially when they’re dissecting these hypothetical situations with the opposite sex.
One 15-year-old girl who took Zaloom’s class said the course gave her communication tools and helped her establish her own moral compass.
“Knowing my priorities and values before going into situations taught me how to interact with people,” she said. “Not just a value for relationships ... life in general. It’s really applicable to everyday life and how I can go through life with an open mind and always willing to hear from other people.”
Create empathy through perspective exercises
When teaching about consent, building empathy is imperative, says Zaloom.
“The social science shows through research that the only one common piece people who perpetrate assault share is a lack of empathy,” said Zaloom. “Empathy is the foundation of one's capacity to have healthy and caring relationships, to truly respect someone. Needless to say, we talk a ton about empathy.”
One way to do this is to have kids interact, share experiences and listen to each other. For instance, one lesson teaches kids how to ask someone out. Students explain to each other what they're attracted to and how various scenarios make them feel.
“It’s really great advice, actually,” said Zaloom's 15-year-old male student. “It was really interesting hearing about the other gender. … I didn't understand how important confidence is to a girl — being confident but not being too dominant and not being a jerk.”
Teach about different kinds of love 
Infatuation. Romance. Jealousy. Unconditional love. There is nuance in love, and educators say this is important for kids to understand, especially when they’re feeling these emotions for the first time. In Lippman’s course on love, he said students “read and talked and wrote about love in all of its forms and iterations” because “it is one of these topics that lives in everything.”
This is when talking about your own experiences with love and dating can be beneficial. Weissbourd puts it like this: "When I said I love my wife on our wedding day, that was something different than when I say I love her now. The love I have for her now is deeper and more dazzling but it's quieter. it's not intoxication in the same way. We don't talk about these different types of love."
Use pop culture and other forms of media as models
When looking to incorporate forms of media into your own class, Lippman says, “I find that music is a great literature and one that really speaks to the kids. The most important thing is to be relevant.”
Here’s a list of his favorite teaching materials, including books, poetry and music: 
Ultimately, says Zaloom, remember that the majority of sex education is about values. "Many parents are already teaching about values. Now the challenge is to guide kids to understand what those values sound, look and feel like within the context of sexuality."
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'People expect you to have sex at 16. You don't want to be abnormal'
Three teenagers open their hearts about love and sex
A scene from the teen TV drama Skins. Photograph: Channel 4
I don't have a girlfriend. For the moment, it's more about what you do at parties. If you get with a girl at a party, then that gives you more man points, more ego points.
You want people to know what you have done at the weekend – if you've met a girl, if you've kissed – but you want them to know without showing off. With all the communications people use, they will probably find out what you have done without you even having to tell them. For teenage boys, it's all about what girls look like: if I was to kiss a girl who had got a good reputation, someone who does not get around, that would be more highly regarded.
The longest I've been with a girlfriend is two months. I was younger then – it was a year ago. I'd meet her at a park after school, once or twice a week: I wouldn't have said it was love, because we got bored after five or six weeks. I didn't sleep with her – it would probably have to be with someone I actually really like.
I haven't been in love. I think when you are in love, there is a certain feeling that you are not bored seeing someone. I think at our age, people get bored very easily – I don't really want a girlfriend at the moment. Having a girlfriend is more about commitment, and I don't think commitment is widely regarded as a cool thing. Making out with girls at parties is much more what people – boys – aspire to. I don't think it's the same for girls.
In my year group, of my friends who are boys, I'd say about 40% or 50% have had sex. If you get with someone, it means you kissed them, or made out with them – not that you slept with them. Most of the girls I meet are on Facebook, so I wouldn't take her number. I'd find her on Facebook, add her as a friend and contact her like that.
I first started using internet porn a couple of years ago. I'd never buy a porn mag – why would you? It's all free on the computer. It's possible that my parents know I look at it on the computer at home, the one I share with my younger sister. I think they might not want me to look at it, but I'm not sure – we haven't talked about it. They're quite shy about that kind of thing.
When I was 10 and my sister was 11, my mum showed us how to use a condom: she demonstrated using a banana. My parents always wanted to make sure I knew everything I needed to know. They were very open. I remember it being slightly embarrassing, but I'm glad she did it. She wanted to get to us before we refused to listen. It was nice learning slowly – so I didn't panic when I got my first period or started thinking about sex. Last year, a friend of mine didn't know how, so I showed her on a banana.
I've been going out with someone for the past year and eight months – that's a long relationship. I've known him since I was eight and we've been friends for years. He asked me out when I was 16. We'd been on holiday together, and realised that we got on really well.
I had sex for the first time when I was 16. We had been going out for two months and 12 days. I remember it pretty clearly: it was a weird experience, the first time. We'd talked about it first, so I felt I was ready; I felt really comfortable with him. In some ways it was a big deal, in other ways it was not like it changed everything. It was more fun than serious.
I told my friends at school straight away. But people expect you to have sex at 16. I have one friend who has been with someone for a year and not done more than kissed, and people think that's a bit strange. I think most want to get it out of the way when they are 16: you don't want to be abnormal. For guys it matters more – they have to have done it. For girls there is not the same pressure. But on the other hand, people do lie. A lot of people think everyone is having sex and it's not true.
I told my Mum a few months afterwards, when I wanted to go on holiday with my boyfriend. She asked me if I'd had sex with him. She was cool about it, but said she hoped I was using contraceptives. I was like, "Shut up, Mum."
My friends have been panicked a lot about being pregnant. Most are on the pill and they completely freak out if they've forgotten to take it; then they have to buy pregnancy tests. A couple of girls in my sister's year have had children, but none of my friends have.
I know if I had a baby now, it would stop me getting any qualifications and my partner would stop studying and have to go into full-time work. It would stop both of our lives from happening properly. I wouldn't want to have a child at this age. I'd want to wait until I was in my 20s.
I don't want the relationship to end, but if it did, it wouldn't be the end of the world. There are a lot of guys out there. We are still quite young.
I've been going out with my boyfriend for seven months. It's hard to tell if it's love, but I do tell him I love him and he says "I love you" back. I feel different about him from the other boys I've been out with; I see more of a future with him. I think you grow into love. We have similar interests, goals and aims. We are both Christians and like classical music.
He's the third boyfriend I've had and the most serious. I first had a boyfriend when I was 13; we were together for nine or 10 months. I kissed him, but that wasn't very important. It was more about having a buddy at school. We didn't see each other much outside school: he wasn't taking things that seriously and he was annoying me, so I ended it.
I liked it when I began to realise guys found me attractive in that kind of way. That gave me a new kind of confidence. My friends were very impressed. His friends gave him quite a hard time for going out with me, because I wasn't like a lot of the other girls: I wasn't interested in looking super-feminine, like a Wag. In the end I was quite hurt by him. He started going out with someone new two weeks after we split up.
My parents did ask me once if I wanted to talk about sex. I said no. My family takes religion seriously: I think my parents' expectation would be that I wouldn't sleep with a boyfriend before marriage. That was part of the reason why I felt so awful when I did sleep with my boyfriend earlier this year. I told him we shouldn't do it again. I hadn't wanted to sleep with anyone until we were married.
I would call myself a feminist and a progressive, but I feel strongly about this area. I've been brought up to believe that having sex is sacred. I don't know if my parents would feel disappointed; my worry is they might look at my boyfriend differently, like the person who had defiled their daughter – although they wouldn't talk like that. When he stays over, he stays on the sofa downstairs.
The first time it happened, there was a bit of a rush for a morning-after pill. I was staying at his house; his parents are not the kind of people who would bat an eyelid at us sleeping in the same bed. I wasn't expecting it to happen, so we were not prepared. It was surreal. In some ways it was funny, and I was laughing, but I felt pretty horrible about it afterwards. I think for guys it is not the same, but he did feel bad for me. I don't think people will think less of me because of it, but I do wonder.
There have been a couple of slip-ups since then. Our position is that, for the moment, sex should not be part of our relationship, but it has happened occasionally. I did enjoy it subsequent times. There is an extra burden because of my religion but it is my decision. I don't resent it really.
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