Bad Parents Mom

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November 5, 20075:57 PMUpdated 14 years ago
LOS ANGELES (Reuters Life!) - It was, when she looks back on it, a fairly routine disaster. Late one Sunday, after a busy weekend with three kids, working mother Romi Lassally was staring down at a pile of her son’s vomit in her hallway.
“I left it there. I hoped the dog would eat it,” she said.
But when the dog failed to oblige, Lassally was left cleaning up and with a feeling that she’d sunk to a new maternal low so she did what she often does when mortified -- picked up the phone and called a girlfriend.
“She was amused and disgusted,” she says. “I felt better right away. At that moment I knew I was on to something.”
That “something” was True Mom Confessions (www.truemomconfessions.com), an online posting board for momsto share their worst mistakes, misdeeds and misgivings.
Since starting in April, more than 100,000 women have contributed confessions, from one-line gripes about in-laws, to intimate accounts of diminished sex lives.
“It turns out we’re all riddled with guilt and ambivalence and regret,” she says. “We’ve bottled this stuff up for too long. Now it’s time to unload.”
Parents are unloading like never before. Whether trading horror stories at birthday parties or penning “momoirs,” more parents are finding comfort in swapping tales of their woes.
Parenting books once dealt primarily in sweet sentiment and motherly resolve. Now they’re filled with tales of supermarket tantrums and strained marriages, each a supposedly more intimate expose of the ugly underbelly of family life.
The titles say it all: “Mommies Who Drink,” “I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids,” “Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay.”
Lately, what began as an all-mom gripe-fest, has grown into an web-accelerated airing of grievances from moms and dads.
“Fathers came late to the party, but I think we’ve finally realized that there’s no real honor in decorum,” says writer Steve Almond, who chronicled his paternal missteps in an essay titled “Ten Ways I Killed My Daughter Within Her First 72 Hours of Life.”
One dad got big laughs recounting how he nearly gave his daughter a concussion carrying her through a doorway. Another confessed leaving his toddler in a car seat for two hours during a school basketball game.
The “new parent” website, Offsprung.com, includes parental tales of dropping children and doping them with Benadryl while on Babble.com, one mom reveals her secret to keeping calm with her irritable toddler -- time-outs to get stoned.
At worst, the warts-and-all disclosure is a self-conscious exercise to make the teller feel better about their failings.
Elisha Cooper, a writer and illustrator who wrote about his first year of fatherhood in the memoir “Crawling,” says he’s an eager player of Bad Dad One-upmanship.
“Sometimes it’s an attempt to gauge other people’s failures so we can say to ourselves, ‘thank God that’s not us,’” he says. “We want to know we’re all in the same boat - but we also want to know we’re on the drier part.”
Still, Cooper welcomes the outpouring, mostly because it affirms a truth he holds as self-evident -- that raising kids is messy, undignified and fraught with disaster.
“So much of parenting has to do with failing. Why not remember the bad things?” he wrote in Crawling.
Lassally of True Mom Confessions adds the current wave of complainers aren’t oblivious to parenting’s joys and hopes.
One mother, who recently confessed to kicking her son out of bed after three years of co-sleeping, wrote: “My confession is I miss my son.”
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Every child deserves to be born into a loving, happy family. But in reality, far too many children grow up with unstable, destructive parents. And to make matters worse, not all types of mistreatment are obvious to outsiders. For instance, many people have grown up with parents who appear outwardly normal, but who are privately cruel and destructive. And, to be blunt, this confusing upbringing can continue to mess with your head for years after you've left the nest. That's why it's a smart idea to know the signs your mom was a toxic parent so you can make peace with your past and avoid replicating this behavior with your own children.
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Part of what makes growing up with a toxic parent so difficult is the secrecy and sense of living a double-life. In many cases, the parent appears to be a normal and productive member of the community to outsiders. But in private, this persona drops and a cruel, cutting person emerges to bully and cut down the child. It doesn't take a doctorate in psychology to see that this kind of an upbringing can do serious damage to a kid. Sure, raising a child is hard work. But taking out old wounds on an impressionable kid is never appropriate. Read on to see whether any of these signs ring true for your own childhood.
Feeling like your mom has your back is crucial. But as noted in the Huffington Post, toxic moms possibly undermined your interests and abilities as a child. This is sick: kids need support and love, not derision.
When you tried to talk to your mom as a chid, did she listen attentively or talk over you? According to Relationship Media, conversations with a toxic parent may feel more like a competition. Basically, trying to talk to your mom might have felt like a tug-of-war game (except far less fun).
3
She Overshared Inappropriate Topics
Every relationship needs healthy boundaries. If your mom regularly discussed finances, addiction issues, or other topics best left to a therapist, then this could be another signs of a toxic relationship. Oversharing private topics with your child is inappropriate: kids aren't equipped to deal with the intricacies of adulthood.
OK, so sometimes it is appropriate for a mother to help steer her child toward appropriate avenues of expressions; perhaps tagging a building at night is not the best way to show off artistic skills. But in more dysfunctional dynamics, a child's expressions of her thoughts and feelings are dismissed or hampered, as noted by Brown University. Did you feel like you were able to express yourself to your mom, or were your feelings swept under the rug?
In a healthy relationship, moms gradually steer their kids toward independence and growth. But unhealthy moms may encourage their kids to remain dependent for far too long. According to Deseret News, more dysfunctional moms may overreact to the usual conflicts that arise when kids start growing up and asserting independence. But in reality, budding independence should be encouraged.
6
She Encouraged You To Keep Secrets
Healthy relationships and secret-keeping usually do not go together. Toxic parents are usually masters at keeping family secrets, as noted in The Brighthill Lantern. If you were asked to keep secrets about addiction, alcohol abuse, or other troubling issues, then it's likely you had some dysfunction in your family.
7
She Prioritized Her Feelings Over Yours
Healthy relationships prioritize the feelings of both people. But if your mom prioritized her feelings over yours — especially if her feelings were grandiose and volatile — then this may be a sign of a toxic relationship, as noted in Thought Catalog. Sharing your feelings shouldn't become a competition.
8
She Demanded Inverse Responsibility
Parents care for children, and if this role gets reversed, it's usually a bad sign. Did it often feel like you were responsible for the well-being of your mother, even when you were still a child? That's a pretty strong indication of a twisted parent-child relationship.
9
She Made You Feel Bad About Yourself
This idea is particularly unsettling. But sometimes, a toxic mother will project her disturbances onto her child. In this case, a kid who is otherwise fine may start to question the sense of herself and even her reading of reality.
Plenty of toxic parents thrive on the idea that they are needed. According to Controlling Parents, toxic moms may take normal acts of growing up as a sort of personal insult. Granted, many parents may feel a bit wistful on the first day of school or other milestones, but healthy moms ultimately encourage this move toward adulthood.
Any bullying is awful, but it's particularly insidious when your own parent is the culprit. According to All About Love Inc., if your mom humiliated or belittled you, especially in front of others, you likely had a toxic parent. Fortunately, if you can recognize these signs now as an adult, you can work toward repairing the damage and making peace with your past.
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