Bad Dragon Masturbate

Bad Dragon Masturbate
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We previously chronicled how in the Internet age, the whole sex toy thing has gotten completely, terrifyingly out of hand.
Well, there's a whole new generation of devices that will get your blood pumping for all the wrong reasons. So have your nightmares welcome their new guests...
Admit it, every time you visit your local sex store you look up and down the aisles and are secretly ashamed and disgusted that there's not a single toy that can also double as some kind of medieval siege weapon.
Lucky for you, some perverse engineers thought the same thing and nipped that problem in the bud. As with all of the devices on this list, we'll leave it to your imagination as to what the thing looks like in use.
"This machine is so smooth, quiet and easy to use it allows you to focus more on your pleasure and less on your mechanical abilities."
Ah, from medieval weapon to medieval torture device. If you're into that sort of thing, or if you're conducting your own inquisition, then this tiny Iron Maiden for a schlong may be right up your alley.
For those of us who prefer not to have metal spikes jammed in our units, it probably keeps a mean grip on hot dogs when you're cooking over an open fire.
"Imagine the look on your boy toy's face when he wants to feel that pleasure but something else is keeping him from fully realizing his arousal."
It's a sign of our throwaway society that people can't even be bothered to use reusable canned vaginas anymore, but the convenience of a Pepsi sized tube of greased up, squishy polymers just can't be beat. We're guessing on every corner in Japan they've got these in vending machines.
"Complete with lubricant, this disposable pussy will leave you wanting more!"
Two things that any good sex toy should have are the ability to both scratch those super hard-to-reach places and the ability to warp the mind of a child should they ever stumble upon it by accident. This nightmarishly well-endowed bear accomplishes both rather nicely. We wonder if they ever made a tie-in cartoon starring this little guy.
"Your pussy is a play thing and this wireless teddy is the one to play with."
It's a little known fact that not all sex dolls are made for personal enjoyment. Some, like this sagging septuagenarian doll, are just made to haunt the recesses of your psyche for all time. And force you to buy denture cleaner.
"Mature kink love doll comes with her own false teeth."
It's pretty much a given that intimacy can't be achieved very well without making use of the sense of touch. On the other hand, you'd figure it's a given that you shouldn't be trying to get intimate while wearing a poor man's Freddy Krueger hand accessory on each finger, but not everyone rolls the same way. So cram these on your fingers and get the Emergency Room on speed dial.
"Wear all five or just one or two at a time. Even one will get you the respect you deserve."
It's sad that looking at a selection of dildos modeled after animals and mythical beasts is barely shocking in this day and age. But, thankfully, we have innovative devices like the Drippy Dragon to keep us on our toes.
This dildo, modeled somehow after a dragon wang, actually shoots jets of spooge for all those situations in which you need something like that to happen.
"Includes free 8oz / 250ml bottle of Bad Dragon cum-lube."
So you're in a bit of a pickle. That special someone is coming over but you're afraid your sex life is getting boring. What's the best way to combine as many godawful fetishes into one place, preferably a pair of pants, as quickly and efficiently as possible? Here's your answer.
Waiting for us to explain how it works? Figure it out. We're done thinking about it.
You know how mattresses have that tag on them warning you not to remove it, and it's hard to figure out what could be so bad if you removed the tag, but almost nobody ever removes it anyway, just because something awful might happen? If someone wrote on that tag that you should never stick an electrified metal rod in your wang, this product might never have been invented.
"The Electrosex Urethral Sounds is not for beginners."
One of the worst things that can happen to anyone's sex life is the day you wake up and realize your sexuality in no way reflects anything you've witnessed in the Hellraiser series of films. It doesn't have to be that way though. Thanks, Extreme Ass Spreader!
OK, we have to interject here. Why in the hell would you possibly need to stretch your anus four inches wide?
Ah, again we learn why you don't ask the Internet a question you don't want to know the answer to.
Is that a radiation symbol on the side?
"The heft, thickness and range of this butt plug means you'll get a fulfilling stretch."
Well, might as well get the dildos out of the way now.
The thing is, every kind of sex has disadvantages, where you can't reach certain things or perform certain actions, or one partner gets left out of the pleasure. This product seems to perfectly combine all of those downsides into one device.
And are we crazy or is it physically impossible to breathe with that thing on?
"This soft leather strap-on harness makes it easy to strap a dildo to your face."
So... we're not experts on this sort of thing but do people build up like, a tolerance to vibrators? To the point that they need them to vibrate way, way more than even the most powerful internal motor can drive it? To the point that in order to feel anything, you need an industrial power tool spinning your marital aid at several hundred RPMs and creating enough friction to spark spontaneous vaginal combustion in the process?
Aaaaand here's a way to put out the aforementioned vagina-fire.
This actually looks like a fairly standard piece of high-quality plumbing equipment you'd find at the hardware store, until you look closely at the largest black attachment. Then you realize this is for, as the site says, "intimate water play."
For extra fun, try to picture how the other attachments are used.
"6'/ 1.828 meters of non-tarnishing, nickel-free, non-crimping flexible hose."
Remember how, as a teenager, you'd try to dupe members of the opposite sex into a game of Twister in the hopes of one day maybe touching some boob "by accident"? This is what happens when that mischievous childhood memory is taken to Hollywood and gang fucked by men in masks.
"Post Master Kit contains the following: ... 1 Beret protector... "
If the Post Master up there didn't look quite dangerous enough, why not take those same mounted dildos and put them on a spring? And then jump up and down with it inside you? Why, they even added an attachment for a friend so you can stare into each other's eyes as you both come to the realization you're suffering massive genital trauma that you'll likely never recover from.
"This Jack Hammer Johnson come with two cradles, two passion grips ... and all the necessary mounting hardware."
Remember all those times you had sex and thought something was missing? If that something involved being suspended by your ankles in a full-body rubber straight jacket, your life is about to get a whole lot better. If not, things are probably about to get worse.
"The hood is breathable but can restrict some airflow."
This gruesome looking thing may or may not be designed to make the average man look as though his crotch is being attacked by an afro'd manta ray. It's hard to say, really.
"There are 9 different hair colors and 5 different hairstyles to choose from."
Ian is currently recovering from the trauma of researching this article over at www.ScenicAnemia.com .
For further terror from the world of sex, check out 5 Ridiculous (Safe for Work) Fetishes . Or find out about some people who just couldn't find what they needed from the sex toy industry, in The 6 Strangest Objects People Were Caught Having Sex With .
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Humans didn’t invent masturbation. We get the urge because our ancestors did too, even back to the earliest mammals and reptiles. It’s likely that as soon as animals evolved brain circuitry that made stimulating sexual organs rewarding , individuals started taking the opportunity to reward themselves.
The diversity of animals that have been caught taking a bit of alone time goes far, far beyond dogs humping legs. Here’s a sample.
It should be no surprise to anyone that our primate cousins are champion masturbators. They have hands, after all. The art of self-pleasure has been observed in males from about 80 species from ape to monkey to lemur, making it one of the most common and widespread primate sexual behaviors. Females from at least 50 species also get into the act, and they can get creative: for example, female orangutans and capuchin monkeys have both been observed using sticks and other plant parts as makeshift dildos.
They don’t have hands, but male and female cetaceans–at least in the smaller species–manage to masturbate anyway, mostly by rubbing their genitals on things. The sea floor, the walls of tanks (if they’re in captivity), other animals, any firm objects they find in their environment : it’s all fair game, though the male bottlenose who reportedly wrapped a live eel around his penis seems particularly inventive .
Masturbation’s been seen in bottlenose and spinner dolphins, killer whales, and two types of river dolphin. No one knows whether the bigger whales masturbate, or what it’d look like if they did.
A male Asian elephant has a long, hefty penis that he can move around with a set of enlarged muscles at its base. That lets him navigate it into a female’s vagina, or masturbate by repeatedly striking his erect penis against his belly. Elephants are most interested in beating themselves when they’re in the early stages of musth, the season of peak testosterone that leaves them aggressive, dribbling urine, and irresistibly sexy to female elephants. It doesn’t last forever: they lose interest as the musth goes on.
What is it with the big blubbery handless animals? Male walruses will rub their front flippers over the shaft of their alarmingly large penis. Or they’ll auto-fellate, because it’s just that big.
Rodents jack off, too. During the breeding season, both male and female porcupines rub sticks against their genitals. Male Cape ground squirrels masturbate at any time of the year, but dominant males do it most often, paradoxically, right after they’ve copulated. University of Manitoba biologist Jane Waterman, who first quantified this behavior, suggests that because the males and females have many mates over the breeding period, jerking off immediately after sex might keep males from picking up and spreading sexually transmitted infections.
Young male vampire bats and male fruit bats (as in this video) have both been seen pleasuring themselves with their tongues. Typically, an animal will groom and lick his penis, sometimes achieving orgasm. Since they rest hanging upside down by their feet, that can get a bit messy.
Male lizards have a doubled phallus (their hemipenes ) which goes far beyond the fancy glans we see in some marsupials: each one has its own sperm channel, and the animals can use them independently–swapping sides each time they copulate. Many species also rub their hemipenes against the ground regularly, sometimes daily when it’s the breeding season.
These rounds of rubbing may have a purpose — one study of the behavior suggested that pulling off the top layer of hemipenis skin may help remove any bacteria and parasites the male picked up during copulation, or keep the intricate skin frills on the surface of the hemipenes well groomed.
For marine iguanas, masturbation can serve a much more direct reproductive role. All males, large and small, will try their luck at mating. But large males are territorial, and ruthless about shoving small males off of females mid-copulation long before they ejaculate. For the small males, masturbation is a strategy: they finish off on the rocks, ejaculate into their cloacal folds, and store the semen so it’s ready to push inside a female first thing the next time they get a chance to mate. The trick improves their fertilization success by 41%, and passes the behavior to the next generation.
Male turtles start masturbating as soon as they’re sexually mature, pushing their terrifyingly large and ornate organs against hard objects, sometimes squeaking with what sounds like delight. Or maybe they’re confused and think that rocks and porch steps are unusually unresponsive female turtles.
It’s the breeding season, you’re a young male Adélie penguin, and you haven’t been able to find a willing mate? No problem: the bare rock of the rookery will do.
The auto-erotic behavior of Adélie penguins was first observed by G. Murray Levick in 1911 during the Scott Antarctic expedition:
Sometimes we saw these birds, after walking some distance, apparently in the vain search for hens, stand motionless and rigid upon the ground, then stiffening themselves, assume the attitude and go through the motions characteristic of the sexual act, in some cases actually ejecting their semen on to the ground.
He found the behavior (along with the necrophilia, sexual coercion, and chick abuse he observed) so shocking that he simply left it out of his seminal monograph on the species. He wrote up his observations on the sexual habits of the “hooligan cocks” separately, in Greek so that no one other than professional ornithologists would be tainted by the knowledge. The unpublished description was only rediscovered a few years ago.
Top image (primate) by Kevin Botto via Flickr | CC BY-ND 2.0 ; Gibbon by Linda Tanner via Flickr | CC BY 2.0 ; Beluga whales by Brian Gratwicke via Flickr | CC BY 2.0 ; Asian Elephant by Adhi Rachdian via Flickr | CC BY 2.0 ;North American porcupine by Gary Eslinger/USFWS via Flickr | CC BY 2.0 ; Marine iguana by Lieutenant Elizabeth Crapo, NOAA Corps via Flickr | CC BY 2.0 ; Adélie penguin by Liam Quinn via Flickr | CC BY-SA 2.0
Contact the author at diane@io9.com .

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Ass Worship Ft. Bad Dragon Masturbation
(2019 Video)

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