Awkward First Dates Now Come With Performance Analytics

Dating app "SparkMetrics" has sparked controversy by introducing real-time performance ratings for first dates, complete with live feedback like "78% match potential - try mentioning dogs less." The app's AI analyzes vocal patterns, eye contact duration, and even calculates "awkward pause density" to generate a compatibility score. Early adopters report receiving push notifications mid-date like "Your joke about astrology landed poorly - pivot to childhood trauma." Critics argue the feature turns romance into a gamified nightmare, while supporters insist knowing your "conversation RPM" helps optimize dating efficiency. The most brutal feature? Post-date "opportunities for improvement" emails that include verbatim playback of your worst lines. Meanwhile, a black market has emerged for "date boosters" who sit nearby and feed you impressive talking points through hidden earpieces.