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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Fifty Shades of Dick : The Best Crotch Shots in Mainstream Film
Keke Palmer is World's Most Charming Person
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Keke Palmer is World's Most Charming Person
The sad news that Fifty Shades of Grey will not feature any full-frontal has left many of us devastated. Fear not, however! Jezebel is here to pick up the rubble and distract you with the 50 best (theme, you see?) peens you can see on-screen. Trust us, these pictures will make your mood rise.
As a former video store clerk (with the smug, "unimpressed by your choices" attitude many have come to love and expect from people working minimum-wage jobs that others aren't cool enough for), I have a great fondness for letting people know all about the accidental and not-so-accidental genitals they may see in a movie of their choice. I was never shy about letting customers know if the movie they were renting had an excellent dick shot of a beloved celebrity or an especially good butt scene. I used to do that with porn, too, but stopped after I noticed that one of my customers became visibly agitated when I started talking about how awesome the camera work was in Trunks 2, an excellent pornographic feature all about dudes who love other dudes who love speedos and also taking them off and fucking butts that have just been in speedos.
This is a compendium of the most important bulges and full-frontal peen that one can see in films that are available on Netflix and at their local Redbox. Some I knew, some my Jezebel colleagues helped me with, and some were complete and delightful surprises.
The biggest surprise was that this took me more than four hours to put together.
Please note that the following are not in particular order (except number one, which is self-explanatory), but the photos do tend to get a little more hot the further down you go. Isn't that always the way?
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46. Llan Mitchell-Smith, Weird Science
39. Steven Weber, Single White Female
34. These Unhappy Strippers, Magic Mike
33. Mark Wahlberg's Prosthesis, Boogie Nights
31. That One Football Player, Any Given Sunday
29. A Whole Nude Beach of Dick, Euro Trip
25. Some Random Dude All Up In John C. Reilly's Face Tyler Nilson , Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
24. Giant Dangling Penis, Hall Pass
22. Viggo Mortensen, The Indian Runner
21. Matthew McConaughey, Magic Mike
13. Edward Norton, American History X
12. Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
11. Whoever This Gentleman Is, Goltzius and the Pelican Company
1. Marco Dapper , Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds ( Call me, Marco! Also: You can see more of his work here .)
Did I miss anything important? Please post photos in the comments.
Image credits in text, top illustration by Jim Cooke.
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Fun facts about the human penis that you may not know.
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i see what you mean by 'poop comments'...this frasier guy is pretty good at 'em!
I just literally googled "clown wars of 1987"
my gallery was cooler. didn't have to look at a buncha pp's
Someone call the chief of police! Puddle isn't logged on. He must be in need!
I can literally play the banjo with my own dingus
ebaumsworld has turned into crap. Who writes this shit, 12 year olds?
hello Fraiser shit boy ass fuck. did you kunt state?
they apparently aren't aware of my 16" monster p-blonster.
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Random sex has been temporarily suspended (more or less), but the mighty dick pic is on the rise…pun intended. Whether or not that’s a good thing probably depends on the execution, whereas dick pictures aren’t exactly erotic. In fact, some might say that nude dicks are conspicuously ugly or at the very least funny looking. It’s then kind of odd that so many men are willing to expose themselves and often without encouragement. On the other hand, men do a lot of dumb crap without encouragement.
A few decades ago, dick pics were unimaginable, now they’re basically par for the course. Should you be an active bachelor, there’s a good chance you’ll be compelled to take one sooner than later. Obtain consent and snap a good dick pic and you’ll get something sweet in return. Botch the execution and you’ll be hastily ghosted, only to find your junk on some third-party website. Like we said: times have changed.
That brings us to the subject at hand (or in hand, if you will): how to take a dick pic. By that, we mean: how to take a good dick pic. You know, the kind that women will actually like. Don’t disrobe and engage until you’ve read every last pointer. It could very well be the key to your ongoing romantic success in this crazy world. Ahhh, the wonders of modern dating!
A nude dick pic is a crude dick pic if you throw caution to the wind when sexting. After all, have you ever objectively looked at a nude dick? It’s like a fleshy sandworm and that’s before we even bring your disgusting balls into the equation.
What we’re trying to say here is that you need to work every detail to your advantage. For starters, that means taking a little time to uncover the strongest possible angle. To do so is to bring out the true aesthetic glory of your proud little soldier.
Let’s hear from professional photographer Soraya Doolbaz, who’s made a career out of dressing up nude dicks for pics. In an interview with Elite Daily, she gave the following advice: “If you’re taking your own dick pic, Point of View is the classic one. The balls aren’t in there, it gets the point across, and you know, that’s the standard dick pic. If you wanted to do more of like a body shot—let’s say you have a full-length mirror and you want to do a sideways shot with a little of your body in there—that’s awesome, too. Another that’s great is (putting) a reverse camera on a table. Lean over it, but still keep the balls out of it. And when you hit focus on the camera, your dick is front and centre in the shot while your body is blurred in the background. That’s a really artistic shot.”
It’s hard for us to think of anything that’s attractive about the scrotum, which looks like something you might get if you crossbred peanut shells with prunes. Accordingly, a number of experts recommend leaving the balls out of your dick pictures altogether. We can heartily back up this suggestion.
The truth is, a nude dick can actually take on pleasing dimensions when captured the right way. However, its potential allure gets compromised as soon as your shrivelled balls enter the frame. They’re just plain gross.
You asked how to take a good dick pic and here’s your most vital answer: proper lighting. We’ve all seen the kind of poorly lit garbage that most smartphone users send into the world and with little hesitation. Don’t be an amateur and don’t settle for anything less than a perfectly lit nude dick. It presents you as a man of patience and taste (relatively speaking). More importantly, it makes your dick look better.
You have plenty of choices when it comes to lighting. One method at your disposal is spotlighting, where you shine a light right on your dick and leave no detail to the imagination. Or you can infuse a little style into the process by lighting the penis from one side so that it casts a shadow of sorts on the other. We’re picking up some noirish vibes from that one!
Along similar lines, don’t be afraid to experiment with filters and other advents of modern technology. The more mood and aesthetic you put into the dick pic, the more likely she’ll be to actually respect both the content and its provider.
To present your face or not to present your face? That is the question. The answer boils down to a number of variables. For instance, are you better looking than most men? If so, your face will help drive home your sexual appeal. On the other hand, do you trust the person you’re sexting? If not, your nude dick pictures could end up plastered across the Internet.
Presuming you do in fact trust the recipient, we would suggest including your face in at least one of the pics. It instils a sense of approachability, trust, and confidence. The underlying message might be sexual in nature, but most women are also looking for things like charm and personality as well. A face will do a much better job at conveying those signals than a penis will.
If you want to render the right impression, you can’t just scurry off to the bathroom during work (or your Zoom meeting), snap a quick dick pic, and then return to your desk. That much should be obvious by now.
Instead, figure out the right time and place to put together a solid dick picture and one that doesn’t look grainy, rushed, or unflattering. It’s just common sense.
While on the subject, take her whereabouts into consideration as well. If you think she’s at work or hanging out with friends, then the last thing she needs is a nude dick popping up on her smartphone screen. Again: common sense.
Remember, the theme of this article is how to take a good dick pic that women will actually like . Well, most women don’t actually like it when you send them unsolicited pictures of your dick. Shocker!
Now more than ever, it’s important to obtain consent before invading her eyeballs with your nude dick pic. To do anything otherwise isn’t just in (really, really) poor taste, but it’s downright dangerous this day in age. Don’t be a dick.
Here’s a bonus pointer for all the savvy dick pic takers out there. If you want to truly stand out from the herd, don’t be afraid to get creative. Remember Soraya Doolbaz, the photographer we quoted above? Well, she dresses up penises with wigs and costumes and it’s kind of adorable. Meanwhile, we all know what women think about a man with a great sense of humour. Do the math.
Some say the best angle for a great dick pic is from the underside, meaning the side facing away from you. Be sure to leave your balls out of the frame.
Since the dawn of catcalling, men have operated on the delusion that aggressive and unsolicited advances are somehow desirable, despite drastically low success rates. Perhaps unsolicited dick pics fall into this general category of too much confidence and too little awareness. In short: get consent!
When you're engaging in consensual sexting, dick pics can work. Use proper lighting, capture the best angles, and leave your balls out of the frame to render the right impression.
Jacob Osborn is an accomplished author and journalist with over 10 years of experience in the media industry. Jacob holds a Bachelor's degree in English and Communication Arts from the University of Wisconsin--Madison and has previously written for Stacker alongside co-authoring a Young Adult novel through Simon & Schuster. Now based in Portland, Oregon, Jacob specialises in entertainment, technology and alcohol reporting. You might find him crate-digging at the nearest record store or sampling whisky at the nearest bar. He daydreams of travelling around the world, but for now, the world will have to come to him by way of lifestyle products, gear, gadgetry, and entertainment. Let's call it a happy compromise while he saves up for the next big trip.
Man of Many provides content of a general nature that is designed for informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment or for professional financial advice. Click here for additional information .
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