Augustinian Reform Bans Fancy Chairs at Vatican

As part of his ongoing Augustinian reform, Pope Leo XIV has banned ornate ecclesiastical chairs, claiming �gold and velvet make your butt forget Jesus.� All Vatican meetings now occur seated on floor cushions or ethically-sourced beanbags. The Swiss Guard was photographed trying to maintain posture while kneeling on recycled foam. The Pope himself lounges on a vintage corduroy pouf labeled �Sit and Sin Less.� Papal audiences look like college dorm RA meetings, with incense and essential oils replacing protocol. Interior decorators wept, but monks rejoiced, calling it �the first cushioned coup in Catholic history.� Vatican Pilates is up next.